Sonny was numb all over.
He glanced at his arms. The cuts were nearly healed. Some of them were pink scars. He traced the lines with his cold fingers. He winced at the sharp pain. They looked nearly healed. But if he leaned a little closer, he could see that they could easily open up again.
How long had he been asleep?
And something was wrong, because he distinctly remembered cutting his left arm four times and now he counted five scars. Which ones were old ones from another time? And his chest felt like it was full of water, like maybe he was drowning right there in the fluorescent hallway of the hospital.
He wanted to throw up. This time, he didn't want the vanity or the relief of pain. He felt sick.
"Here's your new room, Sonny." The nurse wasn't even pretty this time. It disappointed Sonny. Her brown eyes were too dark, nearly black. The prettier nurses were usually nicer, anyways, and why couldn't he have some color in this place, some blue or green eyes? Why couldn't he have one pretty little thing to torment?
"What?" Sonny blinked, mindlessly. He couldn't wrap his head around anything anymore. He was just so confused.
His eyes were burning from the light. He wanted to shut them, to curl up in a crying ball and sleep again.
"I hate this." Sonny whispered, his eyes full of tears again and he was so angry at himself for letting this all happen. He'd never felt this angry before. Ever. Not even when he found out Katherine was the whore that she was, or when he'd found her with that idiot guy.
This new feeling didn't even compare.
It was anger, but at the same time it was similar to the feelings of Matt tracing Sonny's scars, it was close to the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Maybe it was just emotion in the rawest, purest form; no specific emotion, just feelings.
He looked around at the white room. White walls. Four of them. Nothing else. No, wait, there was a crack in the wall to his right. Sonny frowned at it, as if it might fix itself if he glared at it. How did no one else notice that giant black slash on the wall?
It was so annoying.
And then he remembered he was upset and stopped staring at the wall and sat down in the white chair when the nurse told him to.
He tried hard to make the burning feelings go away. But they stayed, deep in his blood, his bones. And they burned him up from the deepest parts of his insides.
"You will stay here from now on." She told him. Her voice was bland, plain. How did she feel no remorse for leaving Sonny- just nineteen years old, a baby- all alone in a cold dark room?
And as Sonny looked around the room, he realized it was empty. Not because the walls were bare or because the single white chair was the only object in it, but because Matt was gone. Sonny felt empty. He glared up at the nurse hatefully.
What right did she have to laugh at Sonny's comments? Why should he be so funny to her, anyways?
Sonny also realized something else.
"What hospital is this?" Sonny asked for the sixth time. He'd been counting. One, two, three, four, five six. And not one answer.
"Honey, please sit still."
No more needles, Sonny thought as he watched her tap at the liquid inside the syringe. Please. But he couldn't find the words to protest as she slowly injected the fluid into Sonny's arm.
And God, he was tired. And sad. Really, horribly, painfully sad. Maybe he was upset, but then again he was way too sleepy to do anything about it. For once, he didn't even have the energy to cry.
It was so pathetic, Sonny couldn't even believe it. If he was good for anything, it was crying his sorry little eyes out. Now he couldn't' even do that?
The nurse heaved him up out of the chair and he shut his eyes. She was a tiny thing. She'd drop Sonny in about five seconds, he was sure of it. He weighed way too much for her.
But he wasn't awake for five more seconds anyways.
"What the hell is this?" Sonny said to no one.
He woke up alone. In a new white room. In a white bed, in white clothes. And somehow, it all seemed brighter and cleaner than before. Like opening new eyes to everything.
No one was there.
Not a nurse. Not even the sound of a beeping machine, keeping his heart beat. Nothing. Silence. Sonny started to choke after ten minutes of staring at the wall and only breathing a couple times. He was going crazy, he was sure of it.
Where was he?
He didn't get out of the bed. His mind was too foggy. He was too cold and still too tired to move.
He didn't have big glass windows to see Matt through anymore. He had a solitary window on his thick white door to his brand new, shiny white room. It was hell in its purest, whitest form, Sonny was sure of it. All he wanted was relief. But he didn't even deserve the sharp beauty of a knife.
He didn't bother talking to himself. Why? He didn't like his own voice enough to sing, either. He tried humming, but then he just wanted to scream the most painful lyrics that he knew, and he knew screaming was not allowed in hospitals.
It upset some people.
Unstable, scared, fragile people. Sonny wasn't one of those anymore. He was numb all over and mute and there was a burning anger in his veins that refused to go away. He wasn't one of those people.
Sonny shut his eyes and smiled at the way the dreams had changed again.
Matt was so beautiful. Sonny realized that all this time, he'd been stalling himself on stupid, pretty things like Katherine, when the real substance was here all along, locked within these cruel white walls and kept secret behind heavy white doors.
Kept hidden and away from him in this white hell. For so, so long.
Matt kissed him softly in his head, but somewhere in the middle one of them whispered horrible things, and then there was blood.
Sonny grimaced at all the blood.
He forced himself to stop, to breathe, to make the mixing feelings in his center go away. Now wasn't the time for these feelings.
But the nightmares just went on anyways, sweet things and then horrible things and all of the in between. Sonny could drive himself insane with these dreams.
Matt was a ghost behind Sonny's closed eyes now. That was all he could be.
He squeezed his eyes shut and replayed the final scene, as one of them took dying breaths and the other caused these breaths, but Sonny couldn't decide who was who.
When he opened his eyes, he was unsure of whether or not he'd actually slept. Sonny stayed in his own little room for three days until someone came. Or maybe they'd come when he was in his dream/sleep state. He wasn't entirely sure.
The nights and days had no dividing lines, not anymore, and Sonny grew more desperate and depressed with every passing hour.
His mind drifted back to Katherine sometimes. The memories of her were marred by Matt's cold lips and cold hands now, and he couldn't shut his eyes and just miss her anymore. He wasn't sure yet if it was a good or bad thing.
He liked the feeling of Matt's icy cold hands.
But he still wanted the hot, urgent, Katherine. He'd always want her. But maybe now, he wanted something else. Something shiny and new and distinctly cold and forbidden.
Something he wasn't allowed to have. And now he would have it.
Finally, a nurse came in, closing the door behind her. She was the not-so-pretty dark eyed girl, with the tired face and the less than perfect figure. She wasn't much entertainment for Sonny either way, imperfect or not.
"I need to see Matt." Sonny chirped instantly, pulling himself up in one fast motion to sit on the edge of his bed. He swung his feet, and they seemed unreasonably high off the ground. "I need to see him." He vaguely wondered why the bed was so high.
"No. No visitors. Says so on your papers." Sonny bit his tongue until he tasted blood, thinking carefully about his words. He couldn't mess this up. Then he'd never get to see Matt. And he needed Matt. He needed him with every inch of his scarred skin, every fiber of his fragile being.
"I don't give a damn about a piece of paper. I need him. I need him." Sonny ground his teeth and looked at her: fake blonde hair in a high ponytail. Sonny decided he hated her, even with his fuzzy mind. Who was she to keep him from Matt?
"No. You don't." The hate burned underneath Sonny's skin. He was shocked at the heat of it, the gritty feeling of the anger sweeping through him. It was physically spreading now.
"I need him." Sonny whined. "Please. Please." Then he narrowed his eyes. Why should he beg for these stupid people? So they could lock him up in a new white room?
He asked her one more time where he was. She sighed and leaned down next to him.
"Rangeview Hospital, Sonny." She said it softly, as if she was speaking to a child. Sonny's mind refused to make sense of the letters on her nametag. He needed to know her name. But he couldn't function enough to read a single word.
"Rangeview? What kind of name is that?" The anger slowly cooled, as if Matt's freezing hands were soothing it away. Sonny liked that thought. But he didn't like the calm that was sweeping through him. Calm meant weak.
"Sonny, please calm down. Please don't. I don't want to have to move you to another new room. You hurt yourself last time. At this institution we don't-"
"What?" Sonny's blood ran ice cold. He couldn't breathe suddenly. His mind was crystal clear now. But it was like the night sky; just a few violent thoughts as stars blinking in there. And he realized what she'd said, and it shined like the sun behind his eyes. "What did you just say?"
The hate. It was there again. Burning. Burning his flesh right off. He swore, if he looked down at his hands now they'd be skeletal, the skin melting into nothing.
"Oh my…" She covered her mouth and stepped back. These people were full of stupid mistakes. Sonny tried to breathe. Failed. He clutched his chest, and he swore he could hear his heartbeat already.
And he was so mad. The feelings of it burned just barely hidden under his clean white skin; his uniformly washed, carefully bandaged skin, and the feeling ate at him. It ate him.
And it all came rushing back; no amount of drugs they tried would subdue Sonny from the knowledge of it any longer- he knew. He knew.
Sonny thought hard, about four blank white walls and every carefully placed sentence of these uniformed people. About the feeling of horribly silent halls, even in the middle of the day, and sometimes the sounds he could hear outside of his sealed up room.
They tried to hide it. But Sonny knew. Sonny was too smart for them. He knew.
The things that weren't right. The little things that Sonny had never seen in a hospital before. The little things that itched at the back of his mind no matter how many doses they gave him, no matter how many days he slept away.
Everything began to add up, and it framed the question 'Where am I?' and suddenly Sonny had the answer.
Sonny was in the hospital.
The mental hospital.
Sonny woke up again. You know the awful way you feel right after you drag your sorry self out of bed? Well, this feeling was becoming an all-the-time thing for him.
Laying in unfamiliar beds was starting to feel more familiar. Sonny felt like a lonely, abandoned child locked up in the building. He was abandoned in every sense of the word. He pretended not to know the truth for one second. It hurt his head to try and avoid it, though.
"Please," He moaned. He still couldn't shake the awful feeling of the truth as he opened his eyes. The room was dark, but he could tell it was the same room he'd last been awake in. They hadn't moved him, at least.
Mental.
For crazy people.
Sonny laughed out loud and pulled himself up out the bed. He sat on the floor in the center of the room, sorting through all of the evidence he had. Yes- it was obvious to him now. He'd been accidentally locked in some sort of asylum.
But then… what was Matt?
Another crazy person?
No, Sonny decided. He was just like Sonny. He was only accidentally put in here.
"Hello."
Sonny felt the breathing on his cheek and turned to see who was there.
"Matt?" Sonny's voice broke and he threw his arms around the taller boy. He stood up and Matt hugged him back, whispering apologies to Sonny for not telling him sooner.
"I missed you. So much, Matt." Sonny had never been happier to see his bright eyes and dark hair. But he was wearing ordinary clothes. And how was he in Sonny's room? "Don't leave me anymore." Sonny pleaded, ignoring everything in his mind that questioned Matt. Sonny could breathe now. Nothing else mattered.
"I won't leave you." Matt promised, kissing Sonny's cheek and grabbing both of his hands. "You have to promise me something." Just like that, Sonny was under the spell again. He'd do anything, anything Matt asked him to.
"Anything." Sonny whispered back eagerly.
"You can't tell these people about me anymore, Sonny. They don't understand us. They're scared. They… they think I hurt you."
"But you didn't. You would never hurt me. Never." Sonny buried his face in Matt's shoulder. Matt was even colder than usual. It didn't bother Sonny as much as it probably should have. He stood there for a while, just holding onto Matt and praying that they could get out together.
"I know. I know," Matt soothed. "But they don't understand. And I don't want to get you in any more trouble than you're already in. So please don't talk about me anymore, and I'll stay with you."
"I promise." Sonny whispered back. "But Matt… do you know what kind of place this is?"
"Yes, Sonny. You shouldn't be here."
"Neither should you!" But Matt was just silent as he brushed Sonny's hair out of his eyes and leaned down. He kissed Sonny softly. Too softly.
Sonny hadn't dreamt of soft, clean kisses.
He didn't want that.
Sonny pulled him back down, kissing him again, and Matt moved away.
"You have to be careful now, Sonny. There are some things that… that are dangerous for us." Matt explained. But Sonny didn't understand.
"Matt. I don't care about danger anymore. I would rather die than be without you. If you're leaving, then just kill me. Please."
"No, Sonny, I'm not leaving you." He whispered. "Just be careful." Sonny disregarded the warning and attempted to kiss Matt again, for real. Matt kissed back. It wasn't like Sonny's dreams, so Sonny pushed Matt back, trying to change something, trying to turn the situation around.
Maybe then he'd be happy, if he could just show Matt that he loved him.
Matt was too hesitant, and Sonny needed more; closure from the pain of the past two years of his life, closure from the loss they'd both had and a new life. A new way to live.
"Sonny," Matt stopped him.
"Please?" Sonny asked softly.
"We can't. Sonny, you don't understand how dangerous this is for you."
"For… me?" Sonny said slowly. Matt sighed. Sonny was upset now- he just wanted all of Matt and all of the danger that came with him.
"Yes. This is dangerous for you." Matt repeated softly. But it wasn't what Sonny wanted to hear; in fact, he refused to listen to it until it was the right words.
"I don't care." Sonny said again, reaching for Matt. He kissed him once before Matt grabbed Sonny's arms and pulled him away. He pushed Sonny to the wall and Sonny hid his smile, excited for whatever came next. Anything.
"I can't hurt you. I won't hurt you, Sonny." Sonny smirked at the way Matt was getting anxious, nervous. Did he hold that power over Matt, to easily make him uncomfortable?
"I know." Sonny whispered back. Matt leaned closer.
"But you'll end up getting hurt," Matt whispered in Sonny's ear. Sonny shut his eyes and sighed. He was right here; right here for Matt to have. And Matt wasn't taking him.
"Hurt me, then, Matt." Sonny whispered. "I need you." And in the way Sonny spoke those careful words, it broke Matt's will and Matt pushed Sonny back against the wall and kissed him. Sonny was desperate; for someone, someone to love him and make everything else go away.
This was close enough.
Kissing boys was never what Sonny meant to do in order to forget everything else; but if that's what it took, then he wouldn't back down. For one tiny second, Sonny felt relief from everything. For one tiny second, in Matt's arms, Sonny felt better.
Maybe it was naïve, maybe it was wrong, and stupid, and maybe it was signing his own death certificate all over again, but Sonny couldn't help himself anymore. He broke ever single promise he'd ever made to himself.
All just to have a little bit of feeling again.
Sonny couldn't be hollow anymore; he wouldn't be alone and cold and broken anymore. He couldn't let himself fade away into the white walls of this hell. He couldn't let go that easily.
But he needed something to hold onto. That something was Matt.
"I love you, Matt." Sonny whispered sharply. For a second, Matt froze, uncertain. Could he return the same desperate love for Sonny? But even Sonny didn't wait for a reply, and he didn't ask for one. But the blatant request for it was hanging there in the sterile, clean air between them. If there was any space there at all.
But they were the words that Sonny needed to hear, and Matt promised he'd be there for him when Sonny needed someone. Even now?
They were the words that had hurt him over and over again, but somehow Sonny still crawled back to wherever he had started, hands and knees, begging to hear it again. Dragging himself right back to the pathetic, wasted start, sometimes bleeding, asking nicely with a smile to hear it one last time. Sonny would give his dying breath to be loved. He needed that. They were the words that bound him together, the same ones that would tear him apart eventually.
No matter how twisted, no matter how diluted or messed up or fake it really was, Sonny wanted love. No matter the price he would have to pay to have it.
Now Matt could feel it, that every inch of Sonny's heart was screaming, 'Tell me that you love me' and Matt had to. There was nothing more he could do. He refused to let Sonny down. He couldn't disappoint Sonny now. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't. He wouldn't be the one to hurt Sonny any worse than he already had.
"I love you, Sonny." Matt choked out. It wasn't so much of a lie. But somehow, Matt knew the words were wrong. He knew Sonny didn't love him back, either way. Sonny was incapable of love; he just wanted to fill the void torn open by his old girlfriend. Sonny was only fooling himself.
Sonny would say the words over and over, even now as he whispered to Matt, but they both knew that inside Sonny was hollow and probably, maybe always would be. Matt knew he should stop now, leave Sonny alone within these safe, secure white walls. He knew he should take it all back, and just let go.
It would be for the best.
But Matt knew he didn't have the guts to hurt Sonny. Not after everything, not now. Not after Sonny just found out what had really happened. Not now, when Sonny needed Matt the most.
For now, Matt would pretend it was alright and kiss Sonny back, whisper promises that were really lies, and tell him how much he meant.
That part wasn't a lie. Maybe in the end, that would be the death of the both of them; how much Matt loved Sonny regardless of the inevitable ending of this story.
Matt wondered if Sonny knew that.
He was so vulnerable now. His world was crashing down. Sonny was still so young. He deserved better. But it was too late now, Matt thought, surrounded by unforgiving white walls and sterile air. He wanted to save Sonny.
Matt wondered when Sonny would find out the whole truth.