Gamer4 in. Well, it looks like I owe you guys an apology. I was not intending to leave this story unupdated for so long. Unfortunately, this really seems to be my thing, as much as I try to break the habit. Fortunately, I have, at least, gotten better since Dungeon of Secrets- anyone who was following this series at that point will remember how painful that was. The worst thing is, I don't even really have an excuse this time- I was just off doing some introspection. Stuff's been going on lately, and I just needed some time to get my head screwed on just right. Lest I wind up hating Christmas and trying to steal it one year. Anyways, I'm back, so let's dive right into the next chapter!
Disclaimer: You want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth!... But I'll tell it to you anyways. The truth, my dear friends, is that the greatest rapper of all time... was Dr. Seuss. Sidenote, the name of this chapter happens to be the name of a minigame from Mario Party 7. Just to remind you guys of Mario Party. Just saying...
Chapter IV
Warp Pipe Dreams
And so it came to be that Mario got his stuff all packed up. He wasted no time in putting away his blanket of invisibility, the keys to his special Wild Wing kart, as well as arming a trap designed to destroy the author if he tried to offer exposition on either. Aside from that, there were his many instruction books and booklets, a book containing several smasher-pictures of his parents, and the aforementioned magazines of highly interesting content, which he decided to peruse before tucking it away.
"Ah, Garfield," he smiled. "You are one funny cat." He then activated the aforementioned trap due to the author making that joke again.
On the day the Farons were slated to arrive, the Smiths were exceptionally nervous, and none moreso than Bill. For a full account of why Bill may not consider another run-in with smashers, kindly consult chapter IV of Mario Mario and the Hylian Stone, and witness his last encounter for yourself.
Uncle John, meanwhile, never one to skew his priorities, ignored the potential of having the smashers use their powers on him, and focused on something much more important- "So, what will these people be wearing?"
To which Mario had no answer whatsoever. The Farons wore all sorts of different clothing, but nothing that he could imagine his uncle approving of- on the contrary, they seemed, for the most part, to be locked in some sort of medieval stasis as far as clothing was concerned, with the parents, Rusl and Uli, typically wearing clothing that they seemed to have stitched together themselves from animal skin. While he'd never met the eldest Faron children, Linebeck and Midna, personally, in the pictures he'd seen of them, Linebeck always seemed to be dressed like an old-fashioned pirate, while Midna wore flowing black robes. Link's standby consisted of a green tunic, boots, and floppy green hat, and as far as Rob, Kirby, and Meta Knight went, their status as non-human meant that the only piece of clothing between the three of them was a headband that Meta Knight wore on very rare occasion- the only time it was easy to tell the difference between him and his identical twin brother. The only one of them who wore anything even vaguely ordinary was Peach, the youngest sibling, but even her large, pink dress would likely be out of place in the Smith household.
Perhaps, he reflected, this was why he'd never heard of any institution in the smasher world having any sort of uniform- it was difficult to standardize something like that when there wasn't even a standard on what species a given family might have among its members.
Of course, most smashers had at least mastered the basics of blending in with muggles- but the key word here is basic. Very few smashers Mario had met had actually achieved anything close to his typical ideals of what a muggle would look like- just barely enough to be brushed off as eccentric by most, but this wasn't just any muggle family they would be dealing with- it was the Smiths, who, as mentioned before, got upset over the stamp habit. Much like Youtube comments, if there was the slightest flaw to be found, it would be, and exacerbated as much as possible.
So, ultimately, Mario had nothing to say on the subject, which had left Uncle John just brimming with confidence.
For his part, Uncle John went to a great deal of trouble to dress up for his guests. A sign of respect for the arrivals? HAHAHAHAHAHA no. If anything, he was hoping to intimidate them- to feel like he was still in control of the situation. "But Gamer4!" you say. "Aren't they just coming by to pick Mario up?" And I answer- freaking Smiths.
Everyone was either so nervous (Smiths) or excited (Mario) the next day that hardly any words were exchanged over lunch- not even complaints from Bill at the lack of carbonated, deep-fried chocolate sauce. With carbs.
It was, however, at this point that John voiced the second issue tormenting his mind- "So, they'll be driving, right?"
Mario blinked as this question graced his ears. Driving? The Farons? He didn't think they had a car... and, frankly, aside from the karts that Kirby and Meta Knight had dedicated their school careers to piloting, Mario couldn't help but feel that the image of the Farons all piling into a Renault Alpine was somehow... wrong.
Hmmm... a sentence containing the words 'pilot' and 'Renault Alpine' alike... no, no subtle references here!
As far as Mario knew, the only vehicle the Farons had ever owned was the Sky Runner, a bigger-on-the-inside blue phone box that flew through the air- because we haven't been referencing great shows enough already. The only difference was that this particular blue, flying phone box didn't travel through time. For that matter, Mario wasn't sure what the phone box was doing lately- the last time he'd seen it, it was flying free in skulltula-infested woods- not anywhere the Farons had easy access to it. But, that being the case, exactly how did the family plan on traveling?
Mario answered both Uncle John and his inner monologue with a noncommital shrug. In all fairness, it didn't really matter anyways- even if the Farons did arrive in a Renault Alpine, it wouldn't change the Smiths' opinion of them. Smashers driving a Renault Alpine were still smashers.
Finally, Mario headed up to his room and began passing the time by hooking up his beloved Wii U and setting to work on gathering fruit in Pikmin 3. Ah, pikmin, adorable little creatures. He kept this up for several days (in the game) before looking up and realizing that several hours had passed, and the Farons had still shown no signs of appearing.
Curiously, he ended his Pikmin session and headed downstairs. Had the Farons already arrived, and he'd somehow missed it? Unlikely, to say the least- he was certain the Smiths would be making much more noise if that were the case.
Sure enough, when he arrived back downstairs, the family was still going through their 'nervously-awaiting-arrival' motions, with Bill skulking around the house, jumping at small noises, Aunt Kate almost obsessively going over everything to make sure everything looked perfect, and Uncle John glancing nervously out of the window every three seconds, displaying behavior not uncommon for those playing through the Submerged Castle in Pikmin 2. What, Mario had Pikmin on the brain. Which is probably why he reacted to the sight by saying, completely deadpan, "Keeping an eye out for the Water Wraith, huh?"
"What?" Uncle John asked, looking up at him.
"Nothing, nothing."
John narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "They're late," he growled.
"So I noticed," Mario agreed. The Farons had said they'd be coming at 3:33, and they were now pushing 4:30.* "I guess... the train is late?"
He was glad Uncle John didn't do much research into the smasher world to see all these references he kept throwing around, they were one of the few things keeping him sane. Of course, the group catching the train was a distinct possibility.
Time kept ticking away, and still, no sign of any of the Farons. Mario took to pacing around the house himself.
As Bill headed to the bathroom, time pushing five, Uncle John and Aunt Kate had a meeting in the living room to express their mutual displeasure.
"Who do they think they are, standing us up like this?"
"Well, they're... you-know-whats. Can't really expect much from them."
Mario shook his head. Good ol' Smiths, generalizing against smashers since the first chapter of the first story. He was on the point of going back upstairs when the bathroom door burst open, and Bill came running out, stumbling over his pants, situated around his ankles, and with a look of blind terror on his face.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's wrong?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow. Bill, however, plowed right by him and into the living room, where he proceeded to draw his parents' attention with wild arm movements.
"What is it, son?" Uncle John asked, eyes wide.
Bill let out strangled gasps as his wild arm movements continued, trying to convey whatever had him so spooked. Mario, following the indications to the bathroom Bill had just vacated, turned and entered. Eventually, it seemed his uncle got the same hint, and followed suit.
Sure enough, there were muffled voices coming from all over the bathroom's insides. "Well, this is great. Fan-tegging-smastic. Alright, Kirby, you have to go back, warn Meta-"
"Too late!" came another voice, coming from the area of the shower. "Alright, now where are we supposed to-"
"I thought the map was leading us here!" came the first voice, from near the toilet receptacle. "I could have sworn this is where they live!"
"Maps?" came a third voice, also from the shower area. "We were using warp pipes- what kind of maps do we need?"
Uncle John wrenched Mario out of the room and glared at him. "What- the - hell - is going on?!"
Mario was struggling to resist the urge to facepalm. "Well, from the looks of things, they tried to get here using warp pipes- common smasher transportation-" here, he picked up the pace of his words, sensing Uncle John was about to blow his top. "I guess warp pipes don't sync up with muggle houses all that well. Here, let me try talking to them-"
Mario turned back to the bathroom, entering and speaking out loud. "Link! Kirby! Meta Knight! You hear me?"
"Oh, hey, it's Mario!" came Kirby's cheerful voice.
"Good!" was Link's response. "Hey, Mario, what's going on? Where are we?"
"Well, you got to the right house, for what it's worth," Mario said, satisfied that the three brothers could hear him. "But you seem to be stuck in the plumbing..."
"Dangit," came Meta's voice. "Dad said this might happen..." Sounding like something had just occurred to him, Meta spoke up again. "Oh, speaking of, you heard Dad anywhere? He was supposed to be here, too, but I'm not seeing him anywhere..."
"Um... just a second," Mario said, heading for the door. "I'll check the upstairs bathroom."
"Hey, wait, no, don't leave-" Link's voice started, but before he could finish the sentence, Mario had shut the door and was rushing past the bewildered Smiths and up the stairs.
Sure enough, there was an older-sounding voice up here. "Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello?"
"Um... Mr. Faron?" Mario asked.
"Oh, Mario, my boy! Looks like this is the right house after all. Let me guess- the bathroom?"
"Um... yeah. Something go wrong with the warp pipes?"
"That would seem to be the case," Rusl's voice agreed. "Alright, can you trace where my voice is coming from?"
"From next to the shower, I think..."
"Alright, then here's what I want you to do- just turn the faucet on, like you're planning on running a bath."
"Are you sure?" Mario asked uncertainly, approaching and putting his hand on the handle nonetheless.
"Trust me, this is the Government-approved method for getting smashers out of the plumbing- I think. Don't tell Uli, but I slept through that class the first time."
Mario shrugged, and announced, "Alright, turning the bath on... now."
He pulled the handle, and the sound of rushing water filled the room for a moment before, cartoon-style, a long, noodle-like Rusl Faron came oozing out of the bath's faucet, before expanding and returning to his normal size once freed from the plumbing.
Mario stared. "Um..."
Rusl smiled as he turned to Mario. "I assume you've never seen such a thing?"
Mario simply opened and closed his mouth a few times before simply sighing and saying, "Link, Kirby, and Meta are downstairs."
"Oh, right!" Rusl snapped his fingers, and the two of them rushed down the stairs.
"What the- who the hell is this?" Uncle John grunted in surprise as the sudden new appearance pushed his way past the Smiths.
"He's their Dad," Mario explained briefly as Rusl made his way into the bathroom.
On the inside, Kirby and Meta's voices were filling the restroom chamber with song: "Tell me, why'd you have to go and make me so constipated, constipated? And I'd do anything to get my bowels evacuated, evacuated! In the bathroom!"
"You're not even singing it right," came Link's grumbling voice.
"Boys!" Rusl called out as he entered the room.
"Hey, Dad!" came Kirby's voice. "Mario got you out, huh?"
"He did," Rusl nodded, somewhat pointlessly, given the circumstances. "It looks like Gaignun messed up- this isn't how we were supposed to come out."
"Yeah, we figured something went wrong somewhere along the line," Meta noted, the most deadpan Mario had ever heard him.
"Well, give him some credit," Rusl shrugged. "It's much more difficult to hook up a muggle house to the Warp Zone Network. We could have not turned up here at all."
"Well, that's all fine and dandy," Link's voice interjected, "but what I want to know is how we're going to get out of these dang pipes!"
"Hm... yes... just a moment..."
As Rusl moved over to the shower, Uncle John and Aunt Kate came filtering in. Bill, it seemed, had retreated upstairs for the moment. Rusl finally twisted the handle. Once again, water began to rush, and out of the faucet came a long line of Faron-ooze. When it re-inflated, everyone present, aside from Rusl, gasped- yeah, even Mario. Of course, he'd already seen the strange spectacle once, but he wasn't prepared to see, not the Kirby and Meta Knight he knew, but two strange-yet-familiar twin boys who were- the key point here- human.
"Ah, geez," spoke one of them, using Kirby's voice as he brushed water off a set of pink clothing. "This stuff is never going to come out."
"Hey, relax, brah!" spoke the other, wringing out his purple sleeves as he used Meta Knight's voice. "It's just water."
Looking up, the two spied Mario staring at them. "What, never seen us in our human forms before?"
Mario blinked and shook his head- not in disagreement, but just to clear his head. He was aware that non-human smashers bore the ability to shift into more humanoid forms in order to blend in better with muggles, and he had seen Kirby and Meta Knight's human forms before- but only once, and that had been three years ago, now.
The two of them stood at the average height for students of their age, and had untidy hair of unusual color- Kirby's was a bright pink, while Meta's was a deep purple. The color of their clothing matched the color of their hair. Aside from the difference in color, both the human boys were absolutely identical, even unto the style of clothing.
The Smiths looked increasingly nervous as they eyed the two, and Mario thought he knew why- while they certainly looked more human this way, the humanoid disguise wasn't perfect- even aside from the obvious hair color issue, there was something off about them, as there often was. Mario thought he could see it in their eyes, which, contrary to their regular forms of identical pink puffballs, were somewhat cat-like, but even aside from that, as with any smasher's human disguise, something just felt... off. They looked human, but not quite human enough, falling squarely into what Mario was fairly certain was widely known as the uncanny valley. As for him, even knowing what he did didn't spare him the oddity of hearing Kirby and Meta's voices coming out of the mouths of people resembling strangers.
"Okay, are we actually going to get to do anything this chapter?" the two asked in unison.
"Hey, welcome to my world," Mario grumbled. "This guy hasn't shut up since this story started. Exposition, exposition, exposition."
As the Smiths stared at them, unable to grasp any meaning from that conversation, the author stalked off in a huff and refused to write for a full month. Or at least, we can pretend that's why this chapter is late.
"Hello? If anyone cares to notice, I'm still stuck!"
Everyone turned to where Link's voice was emanating from. Mario closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "Don't tell me..." he muttered, approaching the toilet and lifting the lid.
Sure enough, Link's head- and nothing else- was poking out of it, looking up at him. "Oh, Mario? How are you here, I thought-" looking around, Link seemed to realize the position he was in. Sighing, he muttered, "Really? Is this the kind of humor we're stooping to this time around?"
"Oh, dear," Rusl noted, seeing where his youngest son had ended up. "This... is going to be difficult. Toilets aren't meant to regurgitate water, they're supposed to flush it away..."
Uncle John and Aunt Kate, in case you'd forgotten about them, were still standing there, jaws on the ground, trying to wrap their heads around everything that was going on.
Finally, Rusl said, "Alright, Link, there's only one way I can think of to get you out of there- but you're not going to like it..." As he spoke, he reached for a sheath at his side and drew his blade.
"Wait, what are you going to-" Uncle John asked, only for a beam of light to fire from Rusl's sword, demolishing the toilet and sending water everywhere. From the center of the explosion came a swordsman in a green tunic, with blond hair covered by a floppy green hat- Mario's friend, Link Faron. He looked distinctly disgruntled as he landed on the ground in front of them, climbing to his feet as fast as he could.
"How ya feelin', there?" Mario asked.
"Not particularly dignified," Link muttered back.
Rusl took note of the situation, realizing that water was continuing to come from where the toilet had been a moment before. "Ah... yes, I'd love to stay and chat, but we should really move to the living room..."
The boys in the room, seeing this as well, gave a quick nod and retreated towards said room, leaving Rusl to deal with Uncle John and Aunt Kate, who seemed to have been shocked into silence.
Finally, they'd all gathered- sans Bill, but what ya gonna do?
Rusl cleared his throat to speak first. "Well, right of the bat, I feel I should apologize... you see, we were kind of limited in our methods of transportation- I lost my Sky Runner last year- a flying phone box, you know- so I had to talk to a friend of mine in the Department of Transportation- Gaignun Kukai, he's a great guy, you should meet him sometime- to have him hook up your house to the Warp Zone Network. Muggle's houses typically don't connect, so he had to pull quite a few strings to get us here, and I guess there was a glitch somewhere along the way- but hey, better than getting sent to world -1, right?"
For a long time, Uncle John simply stood there, opening and closing his mouth. Mario seriously doubted that any of this was really getting through to him.
Rusl seemed to realize this, too- it wasn't every day, after all, that a strange man appeared in your plumbing, pulled two children out of it along with him, then proceeded to blow up your toilet and flood your bathroom to liberate a third. At any rate, he was looking awkwardly around the room, seemingly trying to locate something else to talk about. Finally, his eyes fell on a television. "Ah, you've got a TV! Fascinating things, I was studying them a few years back- actually, that's where I got the idea for the Sky Runner to begin with. While I was at it, I made some improvements so we could pull things out of the TV- kind of like that one movie... what was it? Charlie Wonka and the Tofu Factory? Something like that... we've got a nice model of the monolith from 2001, pretty interesting, only thing is, there's a friend of ours from another planet- he's actually a kart driver, he'll be in the Grand Prix this year- Fei Fong Wong, another great guy- anyways, whenever he comes over, we have to put it away, otherwise he'll start hitting it with a hammer, says he needs to free the Wave Existence, or something like that."
It was a painfully awkward rant, and it showed on Uncle John's face that the little storm of references had left no impression on him whatsoever. Kirby and Meta were watching in quiet amusement, Link and Mario in exasperation.
Finally, Rusl clapped his hands. "Anyways!" he announced. "I'll fix your toilet myself, not to worry- I used to be a repairman before I got to where I am now- I'll just send the boys off back home with some of the warp pipes I brought, then I'll put your bathroom back together before I teleport out of here myself."
More awkward staring.
Finally, Kirby and Meta stood up, glancing at Mario. "Well, as fun as this is," Kirby said.
"We really should get going- time is money, and all that," Meta finished the thought.
"So, Mario, where's your stuff?" Kirby queried.
"Up in my room- you remember where that is?"
"No prob, man, no prob!" Meta smiled, leading his twin upstairs, both grinning at the memory from two years ago. Mario had a sneaking suspicion that the twins had ulterior motives- specifically, a desire to witness Bill, who they'd heard a great deal about from Mario. As much criticism as could be thrown at the two, one point that earned them respect from many was that they weren't fans of bullies.
Unfortunately, their departure left the group with yet more awkward silence. Dangit, Mario, can't you say something? Do you have any idea how hard it is to narrate a story that's nothing but a series of awkward silences?
"So, that guy still won't shut up, huh?" Link asked.
Oh, come on, we already made that joke earlier this chapter!
"Oh, so it's okay for you to reuse jokes to the point of beating them long after they're dead, but when we do it, then it's a crime?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.
"What are they doing? What are they talking about?" Uncle John asked angrily of Rusl, the only one who didn't seem to be conversing with thin air.
"Oh, just having an argument with the narrator," Rusl shrugged, leaving Uncle John looking even more baffled than before.
It was around this point that Bill happened into the living room, and, upon seeing Rusl, quickly rushed to hide behind his father. Now, pardon me while I join Mario and Link in laughing behind my hand at this. Phffptthhthtff. Okay, I'm done. What's so funny, you ask? Well, Uncle John was certainly taller than his son, but he was nowhere near wide enough to block his son from anyone's view- Bill, all respect due to him, was much wider than he was tall.
Rusl looked around the room, from one face to the next, and seemed to draw the conclusion that Bill was simply someone who didn't meet new people well. And, being the outgoing person he was, his response to this was to kindly offer a hand to him and cheerfully ask, "So, you're Bill, Mario's cousin, aren't you?"
Bill recoiled from the hand as though it held a gun. Rusl raised his eyebrows. What a poor child- what traumatic experiences had he gone through to prompt him to react to the hand of friendship in such a way? Well, temper trauma with love, his old man had always said... "So, has your summer been going well so far?"
As Bill began to splutter, Kirby and Meta Knight finally returned, all Mario's stuff in tow. Their eyes on Bill, the two suddenly erupted into wicked grins.
"Is that it?" Rusl asked, smiling brightly. At Mario's confirmation, he produced a small, plastic baggy filled with tiny blue cubes. "Well, let's get going!"
Kirby smiled as he took the baggy and produced one of the cubes from it. As he lifted it out of the baggy, he suddenly gasped, doubling over as if in pain.
"Kirby, what's wrong?" Meta asked, a look of concern crossing his face.
"My transformation... it's beginning..." And with that he let out a cry as a flash of light engulfed him. When it died down, he'd reverted to his original, pink, round form. Of course, the Smiths didn't know that.
Bill let out a scream to rival Meta Knight's as he rushed to his brother, putting his arms around him. "No, Kirby!" he cried, fighting to keep his face looking horrified. "Who did this to you?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!"
"Don't look at me, I'm hideous!" Kirby cried, dropping the blue cube to the ground, where it was absorbed. A second or two later, a large, orange pipe rose from the ground, prompting the tear-stricken Kirby to dive into it, calling out, "Ordon Cottage!"
At this point, Mario and Link were struggling to keep their faces straight as Meta dove for the baggy, taking a cube of his own. As he lifted up his own cube, he, too, doubled over as if pain was racking his body. "Oh, no! The curse... it's affecting me, too!" He tore off his shirt, causing the contents of his pockets to scatter across the ground as a flash of light consumed him, reverting him to his natural form- which, of course, was the same as Kirby's.
The Smiths were looking even more panicked as the cube hit the floor, summoning forth another warp pipe that Meta dove into, calling out "Ordon Cottage!"
With both the twins gone, Rusl was left to try and calm the Smiths down, heedless to Bill, panicked to the ground, noticing one of the objects that had fallen from Meta's pockets as he transformed.
"No need to worry, no need to worry, there's no curse, nothing bad's happened, those two were returning to their original form, that's all!" Rusl called out, raising his arms as Uncle John and Aunt Kate shouted at him. "Perfectly natural, though they really shouldn't have done what they did- I'll give them a talking-to later, don't you worry-"
The Smiths, however, weren't to be consoled, even less so as Bill suddenly let out a choking noise, and everyone turned to see him undergoing a strange transformation of his own, shrinking down, becoming even rounder, and his skin beginning to turn pink.
"YOU BROUGHT THOSE CHILDREN HERE AND INFECTED MY BILL?!" John raged, now to the point of attacking Rusl.
"No, no, no! It was probably a joke item of theirs- they're quite the pranksters- but it's nothing that I can't set right!"
Mario and Link were doubling over laughing at this point. Finally, Link, wiping a tear from his eye, muttered in Mario's ear, "We should probably get going."
Mario would have liked to stay and watch the chaos a little longer, as Bill continued to expand and become ever pinker, along with John and Kate's reactions, but ultimately, he nodded, and Link picked out a blue cube, throwing it down to the ground. Together, the two of them dove into the warp pipe as it rose up around them, muttering in unison, "Ordon Cottage."
The next second, the chaos going on in Number 3, Peach Creek, was swiped away as Mario felt himself being pulled towards his rapidly-improving summer vacation, content in the knowledge that they had finally gotten through a whole chapter without mentioning...
The H #&#&- S% % T &&$%%.
XXXX
*Ha, ha, geddit?
Hey, guys... So, how's it been going on your end? Hope you're not... too mad at the recent hiatus...
The fact is, my head has been really messed up lately. Not the good kind, where you produce high-quality humor stories like this one, and are actually so smegged up in the head you actually believe it's high-quality, no, the kind of messed up where you question your very existence and place in a world that seems bitter and uncaring... Nothing related to fanfiction was causing this, mind, just some things in my personal life. As a result, I was spending more time trying to get my head back together than trying to actually write. I'm actually kind of afraid that this might have shown through in this chapter, but... to let me know... no, I'm not signing off just yet...
But there's good news for you, too- after this, things should start getting better- back to the world of smashers, and video games, and- dare I say it- some more random quickies. And, of course, next chapter will introduce two characters that you guys have probably been waiting to appear ever since they were confirmed as being characters in this story, way back in Hylian Stone- I know I have. Anyways, as usual, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced- I'm always looking for advice on how to make these stories better- flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.