Mandy: I hear voices in my head.

Summer: I hear them too. What are they saying?

Mandy: " What am I eating?"

"Dragon Balls."

"You just earned yourself a week's detention Mclagen."

Summer: Sounds like Snape.

Mandy: SNAPES IN MY HEAD! :)

Summer: He can't be there, he has to teach the lesson.

Mandy: We own nothing.

Summer: Let the show begin.

"Professor Snape, what's healthy sexual education?" Neville inquired innocently.

"Well that's none of your business, Longbottom." Snape answered in his regular monotone.

Hermione's hand hit the air with a force just like a Weasley child running away before getting the talk from their older brother.

"But, Professor, you're supposed to teach us about..."

"Stop being a know it all, one hundred million points from Gryffindore!" Snape Bellowed.

"That's cruel and unusual punishment!" Harry roared, jumping onto the table, "Are we going to stand for this injustice?" he demanded of his fellow students, "I think not! I say we start an armed revolt against Snape and all of Slytherin kind!"

"That is a battle you shall lose!" declared Malfoy, also jumping onto the table, "My Daddy can buy victory!"

"Your Daddy's a pussy!"

"Your Daddy has a pussy!"

"Ten points to Slytherin," announced Snape.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY FATHER THAT WAY!" Harry shrieked.

Malfoy replied to him with the same.

"ENOUGH!" Snape interjected, "Enough talk about whose father is superior. Although, I believe we all know the answer." He looked pointedly at Malfoy. "It's time," he continued with a grimace, "to start the lesson."

Harry and Draco both jumped down from their tables and sat down with their respective possies. They would allow their curiosity to get the better of them, just this once.

Snape proceeded to stumble through a muttered explanation of sex with many pauses and much stuttering. When he had concluded his speech, the students all stared at him, uncomprehending.

"Wait," Malfoy whispered to Crabbe and Goyle, "Girls don't have one?"

"Have what?" asked Pansy Parkinson.

The rest of the class continued to watch Snape, hoping for a more understandable lecture.

Snape sighed and wished, not for the first time that day, for death. "The boy puts his ladle in the girl's cauldron and... stirs. And adds his own ingredients. Or at least, that's how it works if some bastard doesn't come waltzing in and steals your girl."

"Ohh..." The entire class chorused. The Professor watched helplessly as understanding dawned in their eyes.

There was a short pause, then the children began hurling questions at him like curses:

"Professor, have you ever done it?"

"How many women have you had?"

"How many men?"

Snape turned red. "That's enough... enough! Avada Kedavra!" He realized, too late, that he was not actually holding his wand.

There was another short stretch of silence, and then the Great Hall erupted in chaos. "Snape sleeps with men!" could be heard from more than one table. The Slytherins and Gryffindores made good on their mutual threat to start a war. This total lawlessness continued until the bell rang, releasing the students. they filed out, leaving Snape alone with his memories.

Later that evening, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in their usual spots around the fire in the Gryffindore Common Room. Ginny walked over and sat down by Ron's feet. "How was the lesson?" she asked.

Ron blushed flamingly, stood up, mumbled something about ladles and cauldrons, and stormed off to bed.

Mandy: We know you're reading the story, now REVIEW! It's not too hard.

Summer: Excuse her, she doesn't love you the way I do. Seriously. After we graduate college, I mean to marry you and we will have many long years of happiness and children thereafter. Now, if you'll just hit that pretty little review button...