Hi guys. So It's been a while again hasn't it. A week I think. Anyway this is the last chapter I have in stock so I'll have to make new ones. That means it's going to be a little longer before chapter 5 will be put on line but I hope it won't take to long. Next week is my last week at school to learn the last things and then I have 2 weeks of exams and a prom. So it'll be tricky to get some things on line but I will do my very best.

I hope you'll all enjoy this chapter. I don't really like it but it's the way it came out and I can't really change things.

As you may already have (or not) have noticed I'm not really one who goes with the episodes. I like to make my own. I can tell you it's set somewhere in season 3 but you won't recognize anything. (I think.)

Yes yes. I'll stop talking.

Go ahead and read.

With a push he attempts to put me in motion, but because I wasn't expecting it I fell again on the ground. Only this time I can get up because of the pain and I can't hold back my tears. I try to brush them away but with my hands cuffed it's of no use. A big muscled man has seen them and is walking up to us and helps me get up.

"Deeks, relax man. She may have pissed you off but there is no need in making her cry."

He looks angry at the Detective.

"Sorry dude. I didn't know she was crying."

He looks at me with guilt written on his face. Then he seems to remember my back covered with bandages and shot wounds and he looks even more guilty. The big man turns his attention to me.

"Are you OK? It were two nasty falls."

"I'm fine. Thank you."

With that I try to walk to Hetty's office. But she has already walked back to where we still stand.

"Is everything alright here?"

"Everything is fine, Hetty. I just helped her getting up."

He hit me a couple of times on my back which I usually can handle but not know. With a moan of pain I fall on the ground and my tears are running silently over my cheeks.

"Oh, right I forgot about that. She has multiple shot wounds in her back. She was actually in the hospital and was under arrest. But I forgot about it when she run almost the whole night through Los Angeles."

He's saying it with a lot of guilt in his voice.

"I—I—it doesn't mat-t-t-ter. I wa-a-a-s the o-on-n-e who was ignoring i-i-i-it."

I says it with a lot of stutter but slowly I am calming down. With all my power I try to get up. It hurts like hell but I manage. Slowly I walk to Hetty's office and everyone follows me. It hurts and it tires me. Slowly I sit in the chair.

"Mister Deeks I think you can put her hands in front of her. I think she has enough punishment."

He did what was said to him and truth be told it was a lot more comfortable.

"And now I would like to know your name."

"I hoped you would recognize me. It would have made it easier. Or not."

She looks at me with some confusion.

"I know I don't have blond hair at the moment I know it's black and I am a bit older but…"

"Oh, god. Is it really you?"

I nod lightly.

"Where were you all these years. Why haven't you contacted me?"

"I..uh.. well that's why I'm here. I couldn't live on my own as I first thought I could."

Guilty that's how I feel. Very guilty. She helped me so much and this is my thanks to her. In cuffs in front of her in her office. She looks worried although I doubt it's because I'm in cuffs.

"I did something stupid and I know that and I am terribly sorry. I thought I could manage on my own. But I was wrong. I was so sure I would find a job and a little house in the woods, but after more time went by and I still hadn't found anything I lost more and more hope a getting a job and a place to stay."

For a moment I stopped and swallow deep and hard. This was harder than I thought at first. Just because I'm so deeply ashamed of myself.

"Two guys and a girl came to me." I slowly go on with my story.

"They asked me my name and then if I was interested in joining their group. They told me they helped the police. Catching bad guys and stuff. I was naïve and wanted to believe them so badly that I convinced myself that they indeed helped the police. I was still pretty young so yeah. I decided to go with them."

I paused for a moment before going back to my story.

"My biggest mistake. They trained me. It was the kind of training you would expect at a marine base. While I was busy with training they let me believe they did the right thing. After months of training I was done. That was when they showed me what they were really doing. From that moment on there was no way back. It was joining or being shot. And I didn't want to die so I joined."

"They only showed me they tortured them. For a long time they let me believe they only tortured them and then let them go. Stupid if you think about it but again I was young and naïve. After a couple of years went by one day came and they told me to finish it. I didn't understand so he showed me. Showed quickly how the gun worked and made me do a test fire. I was shaking. The tortured guy.. he.. he begged me to finish it quickly. He wasn't begging for his life anymore. He had given that up a couple of days before that day. I nodded slowly and aimed. I took deep breaths and steadied my hand. And I…I.."

I swallow not being able to finish my sentence Hetty does it for me.

"You shot him right in the head. Didn't you?"

"Yeah."

I manage to say.

"But why didn't you come back to me when you realized you couldn't make it on your own yet. It's that what I don't understand."

I finally dare to look in her eyes. Expecting to see anger only to find the complete opposite. Concern. My face was probably horrible but I could care less at this point.

"I was scared. I walked away because I wanted to show you I could take care of myself. I..I.."

"You?"

She asks me. Anger follows and having no idea where it comes from but I burst.

"I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME AND HAVE YOU THINKING I WAS WEAK! THAT IS WAS A FAILURE! I WANTED YOU TO BE PROUD OF ME! I WANTED TO PROOF MYSELF TO YOU!"