Summary: Don't sign papers without reading the fine print. Snape learns his lesson the hard way and winds up on "What Not To Wear" with his former student, Harry Potter, as the host.

Warning: AU, non-magic, and slash

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the books or the movie. If I did, I would use the money to buy a tropical island for The Coy Koi, a mansion for XxHarry-DracoxX, a sun for DancingInSunlight, and a Rolls Royce for Alysisaacs17, a huge candy store for Thesistersblack4998, and apencil case for ScaryPencils (jk, does an ice cream store sound better?).

A/N: Thank you guys so much for continuing to read my story! It means so much to me.

I know that I talked about Harry getting his hair cut in the author's note in chapter three, but I couldn't fit it in this chapter. :( It's coming soon, though. Thanks for all those who have been supporting me and "What Not to Wear." Please enjoy this chapter!

-Marginal Benefits

Severus Snape was going to press charges. Though he may not be familiar with laws in London, he was pretty sure that kidnapping was universally frowned upon. And he would make sure that the culprits (Dumbledore, Granger, and Weasley) would spend a good amount of time in jail for their crime.

Snape had been sitting innocently in a cafe two blocks away from the hotel, sipping on a mug of black coffee, when he had been bombarded. Dumbledore had come up from behind him and grabbed him while Granger was complacing the questioning customers and waiters with blatant lies. It irked him to no end that Albus was able to actually grab him. True, Snape had been hung over and focusing on erasing memories of last night with Potter out of his mind. But Dumbledore was at least twenty years older than him and probably weighed twenty pounds less! There was no way that he should have been able to pull him all the way to the door. And yet, that's exactly what happened.

Once they had reached their so-called getaway car, it was revealed that Weasley was assigned the position of driver. This strenuous job involved locking all the doors the moment Snape was shoved in and driving like a maniac to some store called Diesel. It was a shocker to them all that no policemen had pulled them over, which made Snape slightly worry over his future lawsuit. If they wouldn't charge a man for swerving into oncoming traffic (twice), what hopes did he have for getting them to condemn kidnappers?

Nevertheless, they were alive when they reached the store that was strangely desolate, aside from Creevey, Potter, and two employees. Weasley walked straight up to his male friend and patted him on the back.

"I told you he'd come," Weasley boasted.

Potter moved his head so that he could get a better at Snape and then frowned when he noticed the older man's scowl. "I don't even know want to do know what you guys did to get him here," Potter mumbled.

Weasley scratched the back of his head and shuffled around. "Well it wasn't easy, mate, I'll tell you that much," he admitted. "Just try not to get him upset again. Hermione might make me do the actual kidna- I mean…"

While Potter's frown deepened, Granger wheeled in two racks of clothes from some backroom. "We only have the shop closed for two hours, guys, so you need to start shooting soon," Granger said, stopping the racks to the left of Potter and his assistant.

Creevey was moving around behind Snape, trying to find the perfect angle, and Snape decided that now would be a good time to step in. "As much as it disheartens me to say this, I have to tell you that we will not be shooting anything today," he announced.

Placing her hands on her hips, Granger gave him a look. "And why not," she questioned.

"Are you sick," Potter questioned before his eyes widened. "Merlin, Ron! Did you guys beat him up to get him here?"

"We would never," Granger protests, shocked by the mere suggestion.

"Now he's going to really hate me," Potter whined.

"Look, I didn't even touch him," Weasley said.

"What is that supposed to mean," Potter asked.

"We told you to stay behind with us, Harry. You're the one who decided to fly down early and talk to him. You're the one who got drunk and got him angry. You're the one who called us for help," Granger said. "So don't blame us for this."

Well, there went Mission Act Like Last Night Didn't Happen. Merlin! Did Potter tell his friends everything?

"That's right," Weasley added. "Besides, it was Hermione's plan in the first place."

And then they went at it, the trio defending and attacking each other like crazy. Which wasn't what Snape had planned at all if he was being honest. He had planned on saying that he'd sue the brats if they continued filming and then use the money he won from the trial to pay off the $10 million. Though he hadn't thought that they would actually believe him, he was growing desperate. Snape wanted to go back to Hogwarts University, and if that didn't say something, he didn't know what did. Gratefully, Snape didn't even need to threaten them – they'd given him a way out on their own.

While they continued their debate, Snape started to turn around and head towards the doors he'd come through. Only to see Albus Dumbledore standing guard. Their eyes locked in a standoff, and Snape blocked out all the noise surrounding him. Sure, the old man had proven to be stronger than he looked, but Snape was a master at glares. He practically had a doctorate's degree in glaring, for Merlin's sake. Dumbledore didn't stand a chance. He'd eventually back off and let Snape pass through.

And he would have won (honestly) except it turned out that his boss was not only abnormally strong, but a cheater as well. Just as Snape's glare was getting really heated, Dumbledore opened his mouth and ended the game.

"We only have an hour and a half left," he announced, his eyes purposely catching Granger's.

"WHAT?"

"Harry," Weasley whimpered. "I don't think I can hear out of my left ear anymore."

"I don't think I can either, mate. I've never heard her scream that loud before in my entire life," Potter said.

Snape glared at the stall's door. Only fifteen minutes had passed since Granger's outburst, and the bloody know-it-all had not wasted a second. She told Creevey to get the cameras rolling, sent Dumbledore out to gorge on more candy, pushed the clothes racks into Weasley's hands, and slammed Snape into a dressing room with Potter and Weasley. For a moment, Severus had been convinced that he was in some huge nightmare starring Albus who had Super Strength, Hermione and her Super Scream, and Weasley and Potter with their Super Stupidity. But then he saw the outfit he'd been handed and told to try on and knew that he wasn't dreaming. His subconscious would never come up with something so hideous.

"Professor, we need you to come out now," Potter said from the other side of the door.

"If we get off our schedule now, Hermione will kill us," Weasley said, fear evident in his voice.

"In that case, I think I'll stay here for another ten minutes," Snape replied, smirking when he heard the boy choke.

"You wouldn't!"

"You deserve a very slow and painful death, Mr. Weasley, for even thinking that I'd wear this ridiculous outfit."

"You have it on," Potter asked hopefully, cutting off his friend's next response.

"Don't get too excited, Potter. I'm taking it off right now." He moved to start unbuttoning his shirt.

"No! Please, sir. Ron wasn't joking. Hermione really will kill us if we don't hurry up again."

Snape snorted. "And I plan on writing her a lovely thank you note once I get back."

"But that's what you don't understand, Professor. She will come for you, too. It will be a massacre, and she's smart. She won't leave any witnesses. You saw her back there, right?"

Snape froze for a moment before letting out a dry laugh. "She wouldn't come into the men's dressing room, Potter."

"Didn't she follow you all the way to the men's bathroom last time?"

"…"

The men's dressing room had two parts: a narrow hallway filled with seven dressing stalls and a lounge area with two couches, several floor length mirrors, and blaring rock music. As expected, Snape preferred the hallway, but he found himself leaving his tiny, safe dressing stall and heading towards the larger room where the two idiots were.

Hearing his footsteps, Potter turned, a relieved smile plastered on his face before he could even get a full look at Snape. And when he did, his cheeks burst with so much color that it was as if a toddler had taken a red marker to his face. It was more than obvious that the boy was embarrassed. He had graduated from one of Europe's top universities with a fashion degree, and this was the best he could come up with. Potter should be embarrassed as far as Snape was concerned.

"You look –" Potter began before Snape held up his hand.

"Just start filming," Snape snapped.

Potter opened his mouth to say something else, but his attention was drawn away by Weasley who was tapping incessantly at his watch. "Harry, we don't have time," Weasley reminded his friend, none too gently.

With a sigh, Potter nodded, put on a small smile, and then turned to Creevey whose cameras were already rolling. It was almost fascinating to watch as the boy snapped into his professional mode, with an emphasis on almost. "Yesterday, Professor Snape went shopping for new clothes, but what he doesn't know is that we had cameras filming him the whole time, and we were watching him. Unfortunately, Snape totally failed his exam," he said, shaking his head in disappointment. Snape rolled his eyes.

"He didn't follow a word of our advice," Weasley added, "and bought all of the same, boring clothes."

"Since he bombed the test, Ron and I have come to help." Snape snorted. That was the funniest joke he'd heard all day.

"We picked out nine fashionable outfits for him to try on today, and he gets to choose which one he likes."

"So let's take a look at the first outfit." Creevey turned the camera so that it was directed towards Snape. "Here we have a light blue oxford shirt layered with a dark blue, silk vest. We topped it with a simple, grey blazer and then added blue jeans and a brown leather belt. This would be a perfect outfit to wear to work."

"Really? I was thinking that it better suited the circus," Snape remarked, crossing his arms.

Weasley looked insulted. "What? No way," he spluttered. "This came from H&M. It's classy and stylish."

"I don't care it comes from A&B, C&D, or Y&Z. It's appalling," Snape said bluntly.

"But you look so –" Potter started again.

"I don't want to hear it, Potter. Hand me the next clown suit, and let's move on."

"You can wear this out to the city or to soccer games after your classes are over," Potter said.

Snape raised an eyebrow. He was wearing a striped business shirt, a blue and crème vest, a brown "utility" jacket, light blue jeans, and brown boots. Basically, it was an outfit that only a pothead could come up with. And Potter must be truly out of his mind if he honestly thought that he would go out in public wearing those clothes.

"Goodwill wouldn't even accept this outfit," Snape stated.

"Goodwill would love to get these clothes, sir. We got them from Tommy Hilfiger," Ron said, puffing out his chest in pride.

"Well then I suggest you tell Tommy that he can have them back," he replied sourly. "I don't want his ugly hand-me-downs."

As Snape walked back to his stall with the third outfit, he could have heard sworn that he heard Potter sigh.

"I look like a bloody lumberjack," Snape yelled.

"No, you look handsome," Potter protested, examining Snape's outfit. This time he was wearing a plaid long-sleeved shirt, a green sweater with navy blue sleeves, and a grey wool jacket.

"If by handsome you mean horrid, then yes."

"Do you know how expensive these clothes are," Weasley asked, clearly irritated.

"No, but I'm sure Paul Bunyan charged you a ton for them," Snape countered.

Potter didn't even argue with him, and just handed over the next bundle of clothes without saying a word.

"We thought a maroon colored shirt might contrast nicely with your skin tone," Potter said. "What do you think?"

Snape looked at his reflection in one of the mirrors and frowned. The real "winner" of this outfit was supposed to be the belt, which supposedly cost nearly $100. The instant he'd seen it, he'd been filled with the sudden desire to chuck the stupid thing at Potter's big head, but he was fine with the rest of the look. The khakis weren't clinging to his legs like the jeans from before had, and the black business shoes were slightly comfortable. Still, he'd never admit such a thing to Potter.

"It's too tight," he grumbled before exiting the room.

Snape threw the caramel brown trench coat on the ground at Potter's feet.

"It has come to my attention that you think I live in the bloody North Pole," Snape snapped. "It's seventy-five degrees outside, Potter!"

Potter's face twisted in confusion. "But you can't wear the black denim shirt and wool vest without the jacket," he said, as if Snape was telling him that you didn't really need the second hydrogen in H20.

"It would completely ruin the look," Weasley agreed, reaching down to pick up the coat.

"I think the tie did that already," Snape retorted. Just looking at the stupid thing gave him a headache. It had white waves, red slashes, orange lines, and blue dots and resembled a two year old's art project.

"Hey! I have a tie just like that," Weasley shouted.

"My point exactly."

"Seventy-five degrees, Potter! It is absolutely ridiculous that I have to stand here and suffer because you're too ignorant to buy a bloody thermometer," Snape barked. He was sweating bullets, for Merlin's sake.

"You can take off the cardigan, if that will make you feel better," Potter offered.

As if that would actually help! He was being weighed down by a grey sweater, a dark grey cardigan, brown corduroy pants, and a thick grey and tan scarf. The only thing that weighed less than five pounds was the slim leather bracelet they forced him to wear, and that happened to be the thing that he despised the most. What next? They demand he pierce his ears?

"I don't know what costume store this came from, but it needs to go back there. Immediately," Snape hollered.

Weasley tilted his head to the side. "You know, if you slicked his hair back, he would kind of look like Woody," Weasley said. "All we're missing is a Buzz Lightyear."

Weasley started laughing at his own joke and for a moment, Snape really did wish he were a cowboy. He'd swing his lasso, toss it over Weasley's head, and squeeze the last chuckle out of the boy's throat. They'd see who would be laughing then.

"I don't care what you guys say," Potter said, breaking Snape away from his daydream. "He does not look like a cowboy."

"It's really not that complicated," Snape said with a sigh. "There are only four seasons, and winter comes right after fall. People wear sweaters in the winter. You can recognize winter when white things start falling down from the sky. We call those things snowflakes. Are you starting to understand now?"

Potter rolled his eyes. "I know what winter is, Professor," he muttered.

"Well then tell me why I'm wearing a long-sleeved shirt and a bloody sweater!"

Potter pouted. "Because I thought you would look hot in light purple," he replied.

Insert face palm.

"Do you like this outfit," Potter asked, already wincing in preparation for Snape's response.

Snape kept quiet as he stared at his reflection in one of the floor length mirrors. Potter seemed to gain confidence with his silence.

"I really love this look on you. I know that you hate a bunch of layers, but I think that you were born to wear jackets. I mean, look at this leather jacket. It's perfect for you! I thought you'd like the shirt, too. It's a charcoal color, and you'll notice how soft the cotton fabric feels. Dark and comfortable. That's exactly what you were looking for, right? And I can see that you don't like the knitted scarf, but it suits you really well. I wasn't sure about the grey, striped pants earlier, but I glad we got them. They are loose enough to give you room to move around freely but not too baggy. And those military boots aren't that different from the boots you're wearing now if you think about it," Potter explained.

Snape just kept looking at his reflection while the boys waited eagerly for him to speak.

"Maybe he has run out of insults," Weasley suggested to Potter.

Snape barely heard him. He just couldn't believe what he was seeing. Somehow, Potter had managed to pick out something decent. (It figured that it would take him nine tries to get it right.) He even found himself running his hand along the grey scarf and enjoying the feeling left on his fingertips.

"Umm, Snape, what do you think," Potter questioned tentatively.

"It's adequate," Snape said after a minute, still staring at the mirror.

When Snape turned around to look at Potter, he could have sworn that he saw the boy's eyes glistening. "In case you didn't notice, Potter, that was not a compliment. I said it was adequate as in mediocre or acceptable," he clarified.

Weasley swung an arm over Potter's shoulder. "We can celebrate your victory later, Harry. We need to get Snape over to the salon now before Hermione comes in to check on us," Weasley said, a small smile on his face.

Snape's hand dropped to his side, the scarf completely forgotten. "What in Merlin's name are you two talking about? We're supposed to be going to the airport now." That was the only thing that had gotten him through the day – the promise that he'd be heading home that very day.

Weasley laughed. "Why would we go to the airport when Luna's hair salon is just three blocks away," he asked.

"Luna?"

"Yeah, Luna Lovegood is going to give you a new haircut. Aren't you excited?"

Snape knew Luna almost as well as Potter, Granger, and Weasley. To put it simply, Luna was a lunatic. And there was no way in hell she was coming anywhere near Snape's head, especially not with scissors.

A/N: I must credit the Luna Lovegood idea to Thesistersblack4998. I love Luna, and I'm very excited to have her come into my story.

I want you guys to know that I read all of your reviews and consider all of the suggestions you give me (I put in the purple and maroon for you, Coy Koi), so please leave me more review. I wrote two completely different versions of this chapter, so I'd really like to hear if I made the right decision in posting this one.

Just like last time, you can find links to the outfits I used in my profile.

-Marginal Benefits