April, 2014

Two days after the reunion at James's house

Normal POV

Kendall had gone to sleep late that day, after remembering all those moments with Logan it wasn't easy for him to just close his eyes ,stop thinking and sleep, his mind unconsciously kept thinking about those moments that had been so nice and happy for him and that he knew he wouldn't have them again. Seeing him that day in James's house devastated him completely.

Today when he woke up, he recalled the dream that he had that night and he was angry, angry with his subconscious because it kept bothering him even when he was sleeping, and besides he was angry with himself for not being able to control what was happening to him, he likes to have control about everything that happens in his life but his feeling for Logan were something he could never control and that bother him a lot.

If the previous night he had been destroyed, the dream let him in even worst conditions, when he woke up he sat on the bed and started crying, It's been years since the last time he cried like that, tear after tear were coming out of his eyes and he couldn't stop them even if he try. Who said that men don't cry because of love? He was devastated and tired of what was happening in his life.

The dream:

Logan and Kendall were playing a card's game. After a very tight match, Kendall was the winner and Logan was a little annoyed for not winning and Kendall noticed that.

"I don't like to see you angry"

"…"

Kendall smiled; it was funny to see Logan acting like a child.

"I know something we can do for you to change that face" Kendall told him

Logan looked at him

Kendall looked at him and sweetly grabbed his face to kiss him in the lips and then he said:

"We can go to your bedroom watch a movie and stay together on your bed"

Logan smiled, then he got up and went directly to his bedroom, Kendall was following him.

Both of them were in Logan's bed, hugging each other and enjoying the moment, the movie was long forgotten and both of them were sleeping.

Then they were suddenly sitting in a park, side by side, contemplating the sight and enjoying each others' company, after a while Logan looked at Kendall and smiled, Kendall smiled back and they stayed looking at each other's eyes for a while.

And that was when Kendall woke up, the thing that hurt him the most wasn't actually the dream it was that the dream was more like a memory of the past, in the dream Logan and he were younger, they were still teenagers like when they used to be together, everything seemed to be so real in that dream that Kendall couldn't stop himself for wanting to turn back time and lived again in those times when he was so happy and life was so different, Hina wasn't in his life, he didn't need to worry about working and maintain a family, Those times were Logan wasn't married let alone divorced, life was so perfect.

However what hurt Kendall the most was knowing that the dream will never be a real situation again nowadays, Logan will never look at him like he used to. Kendall will never be able to kiss Logan again, now he will have to be happy just with having him as friends while trying to do his best to hide his pain and feelings toward his friend.

After that, Kendall got out off his bed and still pretty angry with his life and with himself and with tears in his eyes he went to the living room, he was so angry that he needed to do something to get rid of that anger somehow and he couldn't have a better idea than punching the wall with all his strength.

He was so caught up in his anger that he didn't even notice that his daughter was in the room till she spoke.

"Daddy, you fine?" She asked him a little bit surprised and scared to see his father in that state.

Kendall cursed internally and his anger toward himself grew even more 'How could I let my daughter see my in this state?' So weak and crying. It is supposed that my daughter has to think that I'm brave and strong not a pathetic poor man. Kendall thought

Kendall didn't know what to tell her but he had to make up something:

"Hi Sara, yes, daddy is fine, just a little tired, don't worry" Kendall told her in a calm and sweet voice doing his best to hide his tears.

After that, Kendall took a shower to relax a little and start his day as if his word wasn't falling down.

Logan POV

Yesterday I didn't have time to think about what happened two days ago in James's house, but now that I'm alone in my house and without anything to do it seems that I can't stop thinking and remembering thing.

I saw Kendall after 5 years, I still remember that last time I saw him, we were at Henry's house I was with my girlfriend, Hilary, now she is my ex wife and mother of my only child, Ian. I remember I saw him after I kissed Hilary, I looked to one side and that when I saw him, he was looking at me, I was feeling a little bad at that moment, a mixture between guilty and pain that I had never felt before, that was what I was feeling. My heart was hurting and for the first time in a long long time Kendall's face didn't transmitted me what he was feeling, I couldn't notice if his face was of pain or indifference but I couldn't stop myself for feeling guilty anyway. I was still in love with Kendall; he was a very important person in my life. At that moment I wanted to go where he was and talk to him, say hi, something but Hilary spoke and all my attention was again focus on her. After a while I looked again to where Kendall was, but he wasn't there anymore, then I tried to looked for him but I couldn't find him, I remember that Carlos was the one who told me that he had gone a few minutes ago when I asked him if he had seen him.

Upon hearing that Kendall was gone I felt such pain that the simple fact of remembering it make it hurt again, I was sure I was not going to see him again, I had lost the only opportunity I will have to change thing, to talk to him and maybe be friends again and I didn't t saw him for five years.

When I saw him at James's house I swear I could feel that my heart stopped beating for a second, Kendall was even more handsome than ever, I tough that was impossible but I was wrong.

It wasn't easy to see him again to be honest; it wasn't easy to see him being so nice to Ian, it made me so happy but so sad at the same time. I was feeling guilty because at some point it was my fault that Kendall wasn't in Ian's life before like the other guys were and it was because of my cowardice.

Ian's obsession with meeting Kendall started a few months ago, I was tidying up a few things in the house, and one of those things was a box in which there was a photo frame with a picture of Henry, James, Carlos, Jet, Kendall and I, it was an old picture it was taken even before my first kiss with Kendall in James's house, well that actually wasn't our first kiss but that's not relevant now.

Ian saw the picture and grabbed the photo frame and the first one he recognized was James, he hadn't change too much, then me and then Jet and then he recognized Henry, I think he is the one who has changed the most with the years, then he recognized Carlos and after that he asked me the question I knew that was coming but didn't want to answer:

"Who is him?" He asked me pointing to Kendall.

I close my eyes, took a deep breath and say:

"A friend"

"How come I never heard of him?" 'Why does he always want to know everything and know everybody?' I asked myself.

"Because we haven't talked or saw each other for a long long time"

"Why?" He asked me, I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat, talking about Kendall wasn't easy for me; the pain that brings me remembering him was still there.

"For things that happen in life Ian, we just grew apart" I told him.

"And where is he now?"

"I don't know Ian, if you want to know anything about him you should ask your uncles, they are still in touch with him" I told him kindly but the truth was that the only thing I really wanted to do was scream and tell him to stop asking me questions about him because he was killing me.

"Oh what a pity, he looked like a cool guy, I wish I could meet him"

Those last words killed me and somehow made me feel even guiltier; Kendall was an incredible person ¿Why wasn't him in my son's life? I thought and that was when I remember again that it was my fault somehow.

"He had a great style" He told me after and the only thing that crossed my mind was 'please never paint you face like him' Yes, the day we took that photo Kendall had the wonderful idea of painting two lines in his cheeks with blue paint, According to him he did that because it made him look rude and gave him an unique style.

I hadn't thought about Kendall for a long time before that day, after Ian was born, he became everything to me I just could think about my son and anything else, I was so happy about being a father that I even neglected my marriage and that's why I'm divorced now, we have parted on good terms both of us knew that we didn't love each other like we used to so it was pointless to keep being married and hopefully Ian understand it and took it in a really good way, he is an intelligent boy so he understand the situation perfectly. We have been divorced for almost 5 months now.

Well let's come back to what I was saying, I hadn't thought about Kendall for a long time and seeing that picture made me remember all those old goods times that we all spent together, we were so young.

After a while Ian realized that I wasn't going to tell him anything about Kendall so he went to his bedroom and I stayed there tiding up that box and the first think I saw was a picture of Kendall and I, just the two of us, we had taken that picture one day while we were at the park we always used to go, when I saw it I felt that my world was falling apart, Kendall had given me that photo in our first "anniversary", well the truth is that we never really celebrate our anniversary we weren't boyfriends anyway, our relationship was a little weird we were just friends that loved and kissed each other but we never put a name to our relationship.

He gave me that picture and told me that he really wanted me to have a photo of the two of us and that it was the best opportunity he could find to give it to me. In the back of the photo something was written and it said:

'11-27-2004 to 11-27-2005 our first year together, I hope to be able to give you the same thing in a year' And he did give me another photo, it was actually beneath the other one I had grabbed before but that time what was written was different and it said: '11-27-2004 to 11-27-2006 two years together and I wish I could say I would like to give you the same thing in a year : ('By that time we had already talked about not seeing each other once we were in the university therefore we knew that in one year we wouldn't be together, I remember that moment when he gave me the photo and I read what was writing , my eyes were full of tears but I didn't let them fall I just hugged Kendall hard and then I kiss him.

However after reading that at that moment when I was tiding up the box I couldn't stop the tears to fall, I hadn't cry that much since the day we said goodbye and that had been actually the last time I had cried. My tears were falling one after one without stopping, I was devastated, I tough I had got over him but I realized I was totally wrong, life wasn't being fair with me, "Don't they said that time heals everything?" "Aren't 8 years enough time?" But I'm sure that phrase has some reality in it the problem is when you are not willing to forget, not even time will heal it and that is what is happening to me, even though I try I can't forget him or what I feel for him because something in me just doesn't want that to happen. And even after an eternity if I'm not willing to forget not even time will be able to help me.

"And now how do I do to stop thinking about Kendall?" "How?" For so many years I tried to suppress my feeling and after seeing him the other day I realized that I will be never able to forget him, seeing him was like falling in love all over again with the person I never stopped loving. That sounds illogical right? Well but in my mind that's totally logical.

"How could I forget about all those moments that we lived together?" Life was so perfect back then. And I'm not complaining about my life nowadays or after we stop seeing each other it's just that seeing him made me realized how much I have really missed him and needed him in my life, however I can't regret it completely because if t wasn't for that Ian wouldn't be here and I can't imagine my life without my son.

And I not going to lie, I loved Hilary and was happy with her and then Ian came and everything was even more perfect but I have always missed him, there has been always a hole in my life and that hole was Kendall, his absence.

But if I have to be totally honest I will say that I have always waited deep inside me that one day Kendall would show up, just having him in my life would've made everything even more perfect or maybe I just hoped that Kendall would show up and would tell me that he still loves me and that splitting up was the stupidest thing we could have done, but that never happened and I lost all hope the day of my marriage…

I still remember putting that paper inside Kendall's wedding invitation before giving it to James and I never had an answers to what the paper said, it wasn't a question anyway and sincerely I have no idea what I was expecting or what crossed my mind to put that paper there but I did it and the answers was: nothing.

Since the day Ian saw that photo life hasn't stop making me remember Kendall, it looks like it was on purpose.

What I'm going to say now happened two days after what I was saying before, Carlos and James were at my house, we were waiting for Jet and Henry to arrive, we were going to go out with Ian as well, he loves my friends so much, they are like family to him. Anyway, when Ian saw them the first thing he did after saying "hi" was ask about Kendall, I could noticed that Carlos and James were a little surprised to hears Kendall's name from Ian's mouth. At that moment James looked at me as if asking permission to talk, yes, James is the only person who knows what happened between Kendall and I in the past, however I suspect that Carlos knows as well, maybe Kendall confessed that to him at some point, anyway, I nod my head to give James the permission he was silently asking for and then I left, went to my room and let Ian ask anything he wanted to know. I didn't really want to hear anything about Kendall; he was still a very sensitive topic for my and even more at that moment.

Approximately two weeks after that, it was a day that I couldn't go pick up my son from kindergarten and neither could Hilary, so I asked James if could go pick him up for me, He told me yes and that he was with Henry so the two of them will be going to pick him up and then bring him home.

Ian always has a key of the house in his backpack just in case something like that happens, when I arrived home that I day I saw something that I had wished that would never happen, I entered my house and the first thing I saw was Ian with his face painted like Kendall when he was younger. Henry couldn't stop laughing when he saw the look of astonishment and anger on my face, James had a guilty grin but I am pretty sure he was enjoying the moment as well, what awesome friends that I have.

At first I was a little angry with James and Henry but them they told me it was Ian's idea so the anger was gone; however I still have my doubts about whether it was true or not…

Flashback: The day when Ian appeared with his face painted

"I have an idea" Henry Said when he saw a blue paint inside Ian's backpack.

"Wouldn't you like to paint your face like Kendall in the photo you saw" Henry asked Ian.

"Henry" James told him with a serious voice and letting him know it wasn't a good idea.

Ian's eyes were shining like stars and he said:

"Yeees, I have been thinking how that would look on me for a few days now" Ian said very happy.

And even though James was the one who thought that was a bad idea, he was the one who ended up painting Ian's face.

"Aww, he looks like a tiny Logan with his face painted like Kendall" Henry said when he saw Ian

"Logan is going to kill us, when he sees him" James said scratching his head feeling a little guilty and nervous.

"Yeah, you right, but Logan's face when he sees him will worth the risk" Henry said.

"Ian, if you daddy asks, it was your idea, right? He will be mad at us if he knows it was ours, but with you he won't be angry" James told him.

"OK" Ian said smiling.

Seeing Ian like that brought back memories of one day when Kendall was at my house, we were alone and he saw the photo that at that moment was in my room and had the amazing idea of telling me that he would like to paint my face like he did that day, at first I said no, but it was impossible for me to say no to Kendall for more than five seconds and more where he looked at my with puppy-dog face, he know how to manipulate me so I ended up agreeing and letting him painted my face and when I saw Ian, I actually saw myself looking in the mirror with my face painted and Kendall laughing behind me. Those lines looked ridiculous in my face. And even though my son looked pretty cute with them, remembering that day wasn't easy for me. However after a while the anger was gone I couldn't stop laughing as well.

I remember Ian's face when James told him that he was going to see Kendall at the party at his house, he was so happy, Kendall was like an idol for him and was totally obsessed with him and now that he had met him he is even more obsessed than before, Kendall was so nice to him, I wasn't expecting less anyway, Kendall may seem to be egocentric but I know him better than anyone and I know he actually has a big heart, that was I fell in love with him.

Seeing Kendall was a mixture of so many things that I can't even explain it, 5 years without seeing him and 8 years without talking, it was so rare and so nice to be able to talk to him again, I swore that I looked at him and I was dying to give him a kiss to turn back time but that is all impossible now, he is married and besides I don't even know if he still feels the same for me as before, I doubt it, and more knowing that it was him the one who said that he wanted to leave the past behind and start from scratch.

Yesterday I met his doughtier, she is so beautiful, I told him joking that I was sure she took after his mother but the truth is that she a female version of Kendall, she has Kendall's hair color and she also has his eyes and even though she is still young and his features are not so well defined you can see that she has the same perfects features as his father.

It hurts to remember all this, memories from the past can't stop coming to my mind , since I saw that photo I can't stop thinking about him and now that I have saw him it s even worse. I just want to be able to turn back time, just for one day, only to be able to hug him and be with him like we used to, just for one last time I want to feel his lips against mine, just one fucking day I want everything to be like before.

These wish that I have its killing me little by little and can't do anything to top it.

Kendall POV

For some reason my mind doesn't want to leave me alone, I saw Logan even in my dreams and that bothers me a lot, the only thing I want is just forget what I feel for him, and just be able to love him as friend and nothing more but I can't and my subconscious is just not helping me at all. Why did I have to dream with him? Why? It was like being in 2005 or 2006 all over again, we were together and everything was fine. It was like coming back to those times when my life had sense; my days weren't always the same and full of sadness.

I was so mad at myself and with life when I woke up that the only way I found to get out of that anger without screaming was punching the wall with one fist and just at that moment Sara saw me, how week and stupid I felt at that instant. I hate the fact that my daughter had seen me in that state of debility and in one pint craziness.

Before I woke up I had cried everything I hadn't cried before and for the first time in a long long time, I cried without having the alcohol as an excuse, I was devastated and my daughter saw my like that. I always had tried to show her that I'm strong but today I totally fail and in some point I'm feeling that I fail her as a father but the truth is that I fail myself for not being baler to control my emotions.

My hand still hurts, I punched the wall really hard, I was totally angry and confused and that is not usual on my.

Yesterday I recalled a lot of thing that had to do with Logan, but there was one memory that was missing and it's a thing that destroyed me completely many years ago and that memory is coming back to my mind right now and remembering it hurts me as much as back then but I can't afford to cry, not right now, not with Sara and Hina in the house. I just want to grab an alcoholic drink and drink it without even thinking, but I can't, all this situation is killing me, my life is so far from being perfect or good, the only good thing in my life is my daughter and my friends, and well maybe my life is not as horrible as I something make it look, but not having Logan in my life is killing me and I don't know how will I be able to stand just having him as friend , he means the world to me, he changed my life, he was my first real love, he is the only person about my past that I won't be able to forget even if I try.

The memory that is haunting me right one is an old one, exactly three months after Logan wedding, for some reason that I don't know the wedding invitation was on one of the furniture that I used to have in the living room. When I saw it I don't know why but I wanted to open it and I did, but when I took out the invitation from the envelop I saw that inside there was a paper, a paper that I hadn't seen before and there was something written in it, with Logan's handwriting and the paper said…