A/N: I'm back, with a longer poem than ever before! It's Fem Mist, not one I thought I would finish soon. (I'm afraid Cloud is stumping me for now, even though it's even longer than this and just keeps growing. It's nearly finished, though.) I wrote it in a burst of inspiration two days ago, after listening to Irreplaceable too many times. This chapter took four hours to write and two hours to type up, literally, so be grateful. The others will probably not match this length.

Right now what's going on is the US premiere of the children's opera the Snow Queen. It's so much fun and I'm so excited to be one of eight people in the Snow Army/Hens serving under the Snow Queen, but blocking and rehearsals are literally going to take up 2/3rds of my day for two weeks. I'm sorry ;-; Performances on the 17th and 18th! (We get glow-in-the-dark weapons, by the way, and the set is a bunch of revolving, different-sized triangles that have LED lights on them. It's so cool!)

This chapter is darker than I've ever gone before, so be prepared for that.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, mentions of cutting, mental and verbal abuse, light physical abuse, neglect, demeaning thoughts, evil stepmother, not /starvation/ exactly but meals being withheld, malnutrition, loneliness, twisted concept of beauty, unconditional trust of authority figures that should not be trusted, very abusive relationship. Basically everything but sexual abuse.

Chrome and Nagi are used, because 1) the change in name is a change in identity and very important and 2) the other main character was female and it got very hard. And I was just tired of it.

There are song lyrics, but they are mished and mashed because this was too long to just use one song. They are italicized, in between the -.-.-.-/./song lyric/./-.-.-.- where the /s represent a line. the other italics are character's thoughts.

Disclaimer: I do not own KHR, Life on Mars?, The Lonely, Human, Under Stars, Irreplaceable, or Golden. (Yeah, I used that many songs. That's why it took me an hour and a half to add the song lyrics, outside of the time I've already stated. But. The Lonely was too good not to add and it only worked for like one part, so I had to add others to even it out. Even if the beginning is noticeably lacking, because there's not much to put there.)

Fem Mist: Transparent

-.-.-.-

.

It's a God-awful small affair

To the girl with the mousy hair

.

-.-.-.-

once,

once upon a time,

she was a lovely young vibrant girl

(once)

and then her fairy tale happened to her

-.-

once upon a time

a husband's wife died

he was inconsolable

wanted to be strong, but just couldn't

fell apart at the cracks

he remembered to find some support for his daughter

(the one thing he kept living for)

-.-

the only thing the father cared about was seeing his little girl smile, playing with her

he blocked everything else out, otherwise in a constant waking coma

so no one could hear his internal screams

it really isn't surprising

he just couldn't realize what a monster he'd unleashed upon his beloved daughter

(a wolf beckoned in the door for a feast)

-.-

Nagi is the daughter of a man and his new wife.

Papa introduces the new woman as her new mother.

she wants to know how good of a mama the tall, beautiful woman will be,

so she asks

(that is her first mistake)

-.-

her new mama takes her aside into another room

and tells her that she will bring the girl home books

the woman looks over Nagi,

and her new mama says she is so beautiful,

in a whispered, silky (almost strangled) voice

this is not new

her Papa and old mama used to tell her all the time

so she nods and smiles big, if a little shyly

and hugs her new mama hard,

tells the tall woman that she knows the elder will be a wonderful mama.

behind her,

(out of her vision)

the woman runs fingertips over her hair and compares it to her own

-.-.-.-

Nagi often sees Mama and Papa kissing and touching

they stumble around the house

absorbed

(desperately)

in themselves

they don't notice Nagi

as she looks down at the popsicle sticks that she imagines are dolls

as she opens the pantry to find something for breakfast

as she traces the dragon guarding a tower that she's drawn in crayon on her bedroom wall

and recites the story

(she is invisible at first)

-.-

she used to try and get between them to tell them to make her a meal

play with her

answer a question

but she got ignored and pushed away

later, Mama comes to her bedroom and hits her and scolds her.

(she stops)

-.-.-.-

.

Two AM, where do I begin

Crying off my face again

.

-.-.-.-

when she's six, Nagi enters school

she is shy, mostly silent, and

she laps up the lessons with the eagerness

of those with nothing else to do,

the times that she doesn't slip away into daydreaming

the habit that kept her quiet and obedient at home

she is noticeably different than the other children running around

she just fades into the background

so she slips away again,

her imagination her only escape

(still, it's enough

it's comforting and familiar)

-.-.-.-

.

Can you see me over here?

Should I just disappear?

I tried to fit in next to you

Guess I wasn't clear

Or maybe I'm just not good enough

.

-.-.-.-

Papa get worse as time goes by

he blanks out more and touches Mama less, even notices Nagi less

Mama doesn't really pay attention when Nagi asks a question,

giving one-word (neutral) answers

that don't answer anything

Mama leaves more and comes back with lots of bags

that hold lots of things

clothes and shoes are Mama's favorite

she snaps at Nagi when the younger girl tries to touch them

when Nagi asks if she can go outside Mama says no

(she hasn't been anywhere but school and home since she was a toddler)

-.-

Mama usually goes out to eat at night and comes back the next morning

no one fixes meals for Nagi

she eats what's left in the pantry and refrigerator

until there's nothing left

then she leaves a note in the kitchen for Mama, who always refills them somehow

(she finds out later that the woman paid someone else to do it)

-.-.-.-

.

The silent sound of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed

.

-.-.-.-

as Papa gets worse, Mama has more time to spend at home,

actually noticing Nagi

at first, Mama leaves her mostly alone

but then Mama gets twitchy and constantly stares at her, mumbling

one day, Mama takes her out shopping

they try on dresses

and shoes

and outfits

for hours

the pricetags get progressively bigger,

and Mama's smile gets progressively a little wider, a little more sugary, a little more sickly-sweet with each item in the cart

though she ends up buying them all

-.-

every day, Mama makes her put on a new dress

forces her down in a chair that is in front of a mirror

and does her hair,

(a little too tightly)

makeup,

(a little too roughly)

chooses accessories,

(a little too curtly)

while she coos and tells Nagi how beautiful she is

-.-.-.-

.

the loneliness will stay with me

And hold me till I fall asleep

.

-.-.-.-

Nagi is used to being alone, by now

it's a wide gap in her stomach

black and lonely and throbbing,

but only distantly painful

she can('t) fill it with stories, books,

and her imagination

(even in her stories no one notices her)

-.-

she idolizes Mama, so cool and breezy and tall

Mama can go shopping, Mama can pick the cutest clothes,

do the best hair and makeup

Mama has the silkiest voice

and most of all

Mama gets noticed

on their shopping sprees,

Mama always greets the store employees and gets greeted back

she can hold a conversation with another person

(she can't get anybody to stay interested in her that long)

-.-

sometimes Mama dresses her up, just like Mama!

she stares at herself in the mirror

and feels uncomfortable with these transformations

but it's the only thing that makes her noticed by Mama,

so she goes along with it

(maybe it would make everyone notice her more?)

and Mama tells her that she's beautiful,

but only after she's dressed and dolled up.

Mama values beauty, so it must be really important!

it's good that she has it!

-.-.-.-

.

you're not like us, you are different

I couldn't see that that was a compliment

'Cause the last thing I want now is to be you

.

-.-.-.-

Mama stares at Nagi more as time goes on, and one day she snaps

the honey-and-sugar that her smiles are always dipped in spreads rapidly across her body and takes possession of her

she takes Nagi on the biggest spree yet

and once they get home

Nagi is placed in the makeover chair.

this time Mama strokes her hair gently and leans down to tell her in her ear,

voice velvety and silky soft,

your hair isn't beautiful, it's ugly.

see, look at your face? without my makeup, it's nothing.

you are so ugly without my help.

your nose is too big, your lips are too thin,

you're too fat. you have no figure.

you need my help, because you are nothing without it.

you are ugly, you are not beautiful.

you are nothing

you are nothing

you are nothing.

-.-

.

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay awake for days

If that's what you want

.

-.-

Nagi is shocked

she has never noticed that before

didn't Mama say that she was beautiful?

her mind makes the connection fast

only when she was dolled up had Mama told her anything of the sort during the recent years

her beauty must have bled away

i am ugly

i am nothing

(if Mama says it it must be true)

-.-

.

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that's what you ask

Give you all I am

.

-.-

just give me your body

and I will make you beautiful,

I will make you something.

See what miracles your Mama can do?

I can make something out of nothing,

I can make the horrifically ugly beautiful.

I can do something with the empty shell that is your body!

your skin is too pale, but I can fix that,

I can fix all the blemishes on your body. See?

your Mama cares about you, she loves you.

I will fix you.

-.-

.

I can do it

I can do it

.

-.-

Nagi looks in the mirror

at her ugly body,

and stares at her too-thin lips,

her ugly too-big nose,

her ugly figure,

and she breaks the mirror.

i am ugly,

i am nothing

-.-

.

I'll get through it

.

-.-

Mama insists she start skipping one meal a day

Nagi understands

she remembers the times Mama has told her she's fat

and skips lunch obligingly

(it's not like anybody notices)

since Mama doesn't see it, she doesn't know her command has been obeyed

(Nagi is silent like always)

she hits the girl in reprimand

and so Nagi skips breakfast instead, where Mama can see her effort,

and receives an extra makeover as a reward.

-.-

.

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that's what you need

.

-.-

she learns to deal with the aching hunger in her belly

as it settles in beside the black gap in her stomach

and the loneliness

and the self-hatred

when she looks in the mirror, she wants to throw up

even when she's dressed up as beautiful

something whispers wrong, stop!

and she knows that she is the thing that is wrong

she bears it all with a quiet patience,

as long as she can keep her Papa living

(though it's been years since he's even glanced at her)

and her Mama's attention in making her beautiful

-.-.-.-

Mama looks askance at her one day and asks if she has any friends

she replies negatively, for her classmates know she is there but she seems to slide out of their perception

not worthy of their notice

one corner of Mama's mouth twitches up in a sticky-sweet smile and Mama sits her down

and explains why

-.-

.

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

.

-.-

even your personality is nothing.

you are shy and unapproachable and unliked,

ugly inside,

as well as outside.

you will never be anything,

how could you,

with a disappearing personality like yours?

you are a ghost, not a person.

I can't fix that like I can fix your ugly, malformed body.

no one can.

you are nothing.

-.-

i am ugly, inside and outside,

i am nothing, a ghost,

and only my outside can be fixed.
-.-

.

Knuckles move under her skin

She wraps her heart and drags it in

And they move it all around

Until we cry

Under stars

.

-.-

her insides only affirmed Mama's words

they were pretty empty already, what with the loneliness and self-hatred of her body

now she begins to find fault in everything about herself,

too reserved too quiet too smart

her ugly ghost personality

-.-.-.-

she finds a razor in a cabinet one day and thinks

what if

-.-

scars dot her wrists, and Mama covers them with foundation and gloves and a wink.

Mama expresses happiness that she has found an outlet for her sadness as well as the fact that her blood is red,

like a normal person's

(it makes it easier to pretend to be a person)

-.-

.

I'm a ghost of a girl

That I used to know well

I'm the shell of a girl

That I used to be

.

-.-

she feels increasingly empty,

like she's full of nothing but air,

except not even that.

just a ghost, just a vacuum, just a shell,

not a person

a void going about its life,

pretending to be a person,

stealing nutrients from the real people, deserving of them.

-.-

everything would be better if i died

no, that's wrong

no one else would notice

but i'd be better

i wouldn't have to be an ugly ghost anymore

-.-

.

Dancing slowly in an empty room

Can the lonely take the place of you?

.

-.-

she goes through each day dazed,

not paying attention,

just empty and ignored

head stuffed with cotton and filled with static

-.-

then Mama starts whispering things to her whenever their paths happen to cross

go kill yourself

I'd be happier if you died

everyone would

terrifying, ugly ghost

why are you still existing?

the phrases stay in her mind

and circle around in her head,

becoming part of the haze that distracts her,

the only thoughts she can think clearly

she quickly becomes convinced of the words,

because, after all, she has been molded and shaped and conditioned for years

but every time she holds the razor up to a major artery or her neck,

a knife up to her heart,

she freezes

so, so terrified

so, so cowardly

i'm sorry i couldn't even die right

(how am i so scared when i can't feel anything?)

-.-

.

I sing myself a quiet lullaby

Let you go and let the lonely in

To take my heart again

.

-.-

she sees a cat dart across the road just as a truck barrels around the corner, headed straight for it

she has a split-second to think

no, it's so innocent, it deserves a chance

before dashing after it,

all self-preservation filters having been removed years ago

she feels a solid wall (the trick) slam into her

and she explodes with pain as it rolls over her and past the scene

she barely hears screams before she dies

i finally did it right

i hope you're happy, Mama

(Mama's face had shown up in her peripheral vision right before rushing to catch the cat

her mouth in a small, satisfied, honey-and-sugar poisoned smile)

-.-.-.-

unfortunately, she wakes up again in her mindscape,

small and a child.

there is an oily lake and a breathtaking green meadow studded with flowers that browns and dies as it slopes downward,

from left to right.

the sky is thunderous and dark and hangs low,

foreboding and unwelcoming.

there is a purple-haired boy sitting on the lake's edge, dipping his fingers in the slimy, thick oil.

he shouldn't do that, she thinks, he's too pure to involve himself with an ugly ghost.

the thought reverberates around the mindscape, because thought is speech there,

and she winces a little but meets his gaze head on when he turns to her.

she has warned him, and now he should stay away.

instead, he thinks to her, what an interesting mind you have. so gloomy and depressing, like your history.

he pats the space next to him, and on autopilot she sits there.

he stares at her for a while, smirking slightly, and then turns to watch the dead meadow rustle behind the black lake of oil.

you are pathetic, he thinks to her, but you do not have to be. I could give you a purpose, and you could go far.

such pure and plentiful Mist Flames as yours have so much potential, I could not waste it.

she listens silently to this strange boy, not believing him for a moment.

i'm dead, she thinks.

oh yes, about that.

-.-

Nagi does not want to be alive, she wants to be dead and blissfully unaware.

Mukuro-sama will not allow that.

at the moment, you are my only compatible vessel. you will help me fulfill my goals and view the outside world, yes? it's so boring and restrictive in this tank.

-.-

.

When I fight

I'm all alone

Gotta tell myself

I'm irreplaceable

.

-.-.-.-

Mukuro-sama looks at her with weighted eyes and asks about all the scars she has

she is ashamed but could never deny him something

he traces the one he wants to know about as she recites the story

he reaches her wrist, inevitably,

and she goes back to the numb buzzing that used to perpetuate her days as she explains that she is a ghost that does not deserve to live

then he shares some snippets of his memories within other lives, small ones, just long enough so that she can understand

and he tells her,

your scars are battle wounds, you should be proud

they show how many things you have survived

if I deserve to live,

he thinks,

then you have absolutely no argument that supports the idea that you should die.

he rebuffs her stuttered, depressed attempts,

and in the end she is surprised and shocked

with a dented worldview

-.-

.

Bend it back

Quit tryna be someone else

I tell myself

I'm irreplaceable

.

-.-

Mukuro-sama has shown her a few of his memories, including how he found his will, and gradually makes Nagi not think of suicide every day,

whispering reassurances and little short phrases that help

it is a miracle, Mukuro-sama is a miracle, and Nagi will not waste this chance to redeem herself or see the outside world, more than school and the house.

(In the back of her mind, deep in her subconscious, she also wants to meet this boy called Sawada Tsunayoshi.)

-.-.-.-

.

Somehow I find a way

It's never easy

Why is it so hard?

.

-.-.-.-

Nagi does not want to be Nagi anymore, so the least she can do if she can't die is become a new person.

Mukuro-sama supports the idea wholeheartedly, stating that she is pathetic. she agrees, wanting to be new, reborn in a sense.

she can't come up with anything good, so Mukuro-sama suggests an anagram of his name, which she likes very much, as it ties her to the one who believes in her, the first one who noticed.

-.-.-.-

eventually, she does meet him.

the boy panics a lot, and makes Chrome anxious

but his concern is for his family, and that mystifies and warms her heart all at once

she continues watching from afar,

desiring affection of the kind that Bossu seems to live and breath,

but not knowing how to reach out for it,

if she deserves it,

or even if she really wants it.

Chrome does not want to stain Bossu with what she used to be,

still a part of who she is

(it's foolish to deny your past

it gives you strength to accept it and continue onward

Mukuro-sama says)

but she does help him

he deserves that much, so kind and caring and warm

her Flame seems to constantly lean towards his, straining and longing for his soothing

-.-.-.-

.

Burn, burn, burn

They used to yell

You thought I was coal

My friend, I'm gold

Can't you tell?

.

-.-.-.-

Mukuro-sama's ways of giving affection and attention are very different.

Mukuro-sama is never gentle or kind, but he is blunt and honest, which is his way of respect. she appreciates it.

Mukuro-sama teaches and corrects and tells her to have confidence in herself, which is more than he does for anybody else.

With his past, it's not hard to imagine why he can't show care the way other people do. he just doesn't know how, and since Chrome wouldn't know how to receive it, that's good. they can immediately bond without her drawing back.

On the other hand, Bossu is just naturally kind and affectionate. it leaks out of him and suffuses the air around him. he really does care for and value everyone in his life.

Bossu subconsciously touches his friends, running his fingers lightly up their arms or sides, to reassure himself that they are safe and unhurt. he makes them bentos and is a mother hen and wants the best for them so sincerely Mukuro-sama says it hurts for him to look at.

Bossu is more vocal about his caring. he's a vocal person in general. he says his friend's names often, savoring them, and talks and laughs with them. he can stand back and watch them interact, too, with a pleased, happy smile on his lips.

-.-.-.-

.

'Cause I'm not weak, I'm not broken

I am bold

And the fire you put me through turned me into gold

I'm not done, I'm no loser

Watch me take on my bright future

.

-.-.-.-

Chrome doesn't want to ruin that kindness, or suck up the attention that others, not a ghost, should be receiving. but she longs for it so badly anyway, and when their Flames finally connect and coil around each other, she feels so safe, so protected, and she cries.

Their Bond is good enough to satisfy her need for affection for a long time, though people keep trying to do things with her, like she's not a ghost, like they didn't notice her before. she shies away, unsure, insecure, even as they relentlessly keep attempting to befriend her.

-.-

.

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am

All the things that you said I couldn't do

Guess what, yes I can

.

-.-

it takes quite a while for them to wait out her awkwardness and hesitancy. for the first time, she is included in this world of casual, lighthearted conversation and camaraderie, and she relaxes.

the gap in her stomach fills, the loneliness goes away, and she is ecstatic. it will take a lot more work to get rid of her self-loathing, but she's willing to brave the long and arduous journey ahead of her with all those who are on her side. (which, funnily enough, includes a prickly skylark who does not like her master.)

-.-.-.-

.

The fire that you tried to burn me with, it made me who I am

All the things that you said I couldn't do

Guess what, yes I can

.

-.-.-.-

I am beautiful, inside and out.

I am Chrome, a human who is loved and cherished.

and I am fixing myself.

-.-

.

Out of the ashes you buried me in

I, I am golden

.

-.-

and if she needs a little more time to convince herself, well. it's not like she doesn't have the time or support needed to eventually convince herself.

she is happy.

(once upon a time,

she didn't know she could feel anything but hatred and nothing)

-.-.-.-

.

I, I am golden

I, I am golden, golden, golden

.

-.-.-.-

A/N:

...

I told you it was dark.

I wanted to get the message through that years of loneliness, abuse, conditioning, and bullying aren't things you can just brush off in a few months. Any person with these problems will struggle for years, sometimes longer than the problem went on.

Be assured that I am nowhere near an expert on these matters, being quite lucky to have a very supportive and loving family, but I realize this is a real problem and gets brushed off way too often in society.

Who else wants to make 'Mama's' death very long and painful? I know I created this character, but I think the line I really started to hate and want to kill her was 'scars dot her wrists, and Mama covers them with foundation and gloves and a wink.' I just... gah. I want her to die so, so much. Like, worse than Umbridge, which is really saying something. Presumably, you know, Mukuro finds the time to go and murder her "caretakers". Who wants to join us?

She's jealous of how pretty Nagi is, how she has her father's attention, even though it's not really. She tries to fill the gap with money and being happy for Nagi, she really actually tries, but it just isn't working. She gives in to her baser urges and starts belittling Nagi. She feels such satisfaction in this that she begins to tell Nagi she is nothing until the girl wastes away and she is glad. (Argh. I want to murder her so badly.)

The i vs. I is really important. The song lyrics are always capitalized, so there's that, but otherwise Nagi's thoughts are always with lowercase i's until the very end, where she considers herself a person and is developing more of an identity. Mama always has capitol Is because she is sure of herself, she knows what she is doing.

There were too many song lyrics, weren't there? It was just weird. I probably shouldn't have put any in, but The Lonely just suited this too well. And I did really like the ending that Golden provided.

By the way, I didn't notice that The Lonely was actually a song about love until it was way too late. See, I always thought that when the lyrics said 'you' it was meant to be a reflection of 'me'. For example, the lyric Can the lonely take the place of you? I thought was about the loneliness replacing whatever vibrancy/personality she had before. So interpret it like that.

The timeline is a little confusing, I know. Nagi is what's called an unreliable narrator.

1) Mother dies.

2) Father remarries.

(I know it's the opposite way in canon, father dies, but a stepmother suited this role much better than a stepfather did, so we're going to deal with it. She's still a movie star, so she's used to living in comfort, having an execess of money, buying all the stuff she wants, ect., which is why she can afford so much stuff and also part of why she married Nagi's father.)

3) Nagi guesses that her new Mama will be good. (;-;) Behind her back, the seed of jealousy is planted.

4) the grown-ups stay absorbed in each other for a while, trying to forget what they have to forget.

5) Loneliness starts.

6) School starts.

7) Mama goes out and starts becoming a shopaholic.

8) Mama stares uncomfortably at Nagi, being jealous, until she takes her out to go shopping. Makeovers start.

The gap between 8/9 is at least two years.

9) Mama snaps and she starts whispering to Nagi about how she is not beautiful. Demeaning thoughts start.

10) Mama makes Nagi start cutting down on food.

11) Mama snaps again and tells Nagi that her personality is empty too.

Somewhere during these last few events, the father dies. Nagi doesn't really notice; she's too wrapped up in her own issues. I don't blame her.

12) Cutting starts.

13) Suicidal thoughts start. Then Mama encourages them.

14) Tries to commit suicide many times but ends up freezing each time.

15) Runs across the road to save a cat, dies, wakes up in mindscape.

16) Meets Mukuro.

17) They start working on not being suicidal anymore, confidence, her various other issues, and Flames.

18) Nagi gives herself a new identity.

19) Once Mukuro is satisfied to a certain extent with his lessons, he lets her wake up and run away.

20) Lives with Ken/Chikusa for a while, then goes to the Ring Battles and meets Tsuna.

21) They harmonize. Everyone is trying to befriend Chrome.

22) They finally get through to her, she trusts them, they begin working on her self-worth issue much more productively. She is ready to fight!

This one actually practically wrote itself, though there were some sticky parts. The ending is messy, like it always is, though I think I did a bit better wrapping this one up.

Guest Reviews! (I know, shocking!)

Eirenei, I'll PM you since you have an account, even though you were a guest when you reviewed ;)

Guest 1: Thank you for the suggestions about what to call Ryohei's condition! I'm sorry this isn't Kyoya, but I have his mostly done. I don't want to give to much away, but your (sad, oh my goodness Kyoya let me hug you, and way too plausible) guesses aren't quite there yet. It's a little happier than that, at least this one is. My other ideas are along the lines of what you thought, basically. Thank you for reviewing!

Guest 2: In answer to your question: maybe. Not right now, but if I finish KHR and feel motivated enough, then maybe. It's a good idea. Glad you're enjoying them! Thanks for reviewing!

And a big thank you to everyone else who reviewed also! Just so you know, I love getting reviews. They make me glow and hug a pillow, especially the long ones ;) I love you all, your support and patience and everything! Favorites, followers, viewers, criers alike! :)

~OperaEagle IcelynLacelett