Title: Circles
Summary: Admiral Janeway's timeline. A death creates conflict with our couple.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or these characters nor do I make money off this. I just borrow them for my own enjoyment.
Warning: None
It was going to be a long trip and likely a silent one. While this normally wouldn't have bothered Chakotay, he didn't like the slight edge the silence held this time.
Theirs was a relatively simple mission, which was why Captain Janeway allowed the couple to go alone. Seven's Borg knowledge of the area forewarned them there was a species ahead who would trade essential goods and services for a prized crystal they could find on a planet just a little out of their chartered course. They would pick up a few of the crystals, meet up with Voyager, and continue on with the crystals ready for barter.
It had appeared like the perfect opportunity to get Seven out of her routine and hopefully talking to him again.
The simplicity of the mission coupled with the isolation and cramped quarters of the shuttle, however, had so far only resulted in sullen attention to duty.
While he was sure Seven wasn't angry, she wasn't terribly pleased either. The reason? Stubbornness on her part. It made Chakotay shake his head, but he couldn't be miffed by it. Many people, himself included, didn't like showing weakness and Seven was just such a person. He could only recall twice when she'd shed a tear and once had been a malfunction. The other was when she learned Icheb's donation of a cortical node hadn't damaged the young boy. Chakotay hadn't been present for either situation.
Seven stared straight ahead or analyzed her scans. Even the few subtle course changes Chakotay initiated went uncommented on and possibly unnoticed. Though the silence was uncomfortable, he hoped she was using the time to think as seriously about their fight and its cause as he was. It had started with something so commonplace that he actually felt some relief; unlike the usual hazards of the Delta Quadrant, this problem was only too well known to Chakotay and so he had some experience to go off of.
Irene Hansen died. It happened a week prior and Seven hadn't discussed it with anyone. The information came from the Pathfinder Project officers straight to Seven of Nine in place of a scheduled talk with the elderly aunt.
Chakotay hadn't been present, being unaware of the woman's peaceful if sudden death. He strongly suspected he wouldn't have ever known about it if the interaction hadn't been interrupted by Icheb.
When Seven refused to acknowledge the incident, the young man had gone to Chakotay.
XXX
"Commander," said Icheb, his voice holding a note of urgency, "can we speak in private?"
"Certainly, Icheb." Chakotay took his lunch from the replicator and nodded at a table away from the diminishing crowd. It was actually a late lunch for the Commander, having been busy with some upgrades to Voyager's defence systems. They'd heard from a passing freighter that there were Borg in the area and for a price had parted with some samples of their own superior technology.
"Did you know Irene Hansen is deceased?"
Chakotay stopped chewing, thoroughly surprised. He swallowed with some difficulty. "No, I didn't. When?"
"Starfleet told Seven three days ago. I happened to walk in." He hesitated as Chakotay pondered the information. "I am uncertain as to the usual human customs for dealing with this situation. I hope I didn't disappoint the usual expectations."
Chakotay smiled, but it was quick and unenthusiastic, merely for placating the youth. "No, Icheb, I'm very glad you told me. Thank you."
The young man nodded and left Commander Chakotay to mull over the information.
Why didn't she tell me? The internal question was answered before he'd finished asking it. Of course Seven didn't tell him. She wouldn't automatically see it as information to share and she wasn't one to share deep disappointment or sadness with others. Still, he thought they'd grown close enough that they were past hiding important things. He'd already shared more about his past with her than he ever thought he'd share with anyone, even Seska. Likewise, Seven had explained and discussed much of her childhood and inner thoughts with Chakotay, enough that he believed them as honest with each other as was possible. That she would keep this from him hurt.
XXX
"I'm starving. Would you like something?" Chakotay half stood, but as soon as the words were out of his mouth Seven shot from her chair and rushed to the back of the shuttle. He wasn't sure what she intended to do, but Chakotay sat back down, unwilling to irritate her further.
Checking their route again for hostiles and anomalies, he confirmed they were clear to continue as planned. Around him the consoles blinked and hummed. The stars and planets passed by outside in cold silence.
It's going to be a long trip.
XXX
Being sober adults with a clear sense of what they wanted and what made them happiest, Chakotay and Seven had not taken long once dating to move in together, or "cohabitate" to use Seven's phrasing. Though Seven's regeneration unit could not be moved into his quarters, she could skip a night or two of regeneration in favour of sleeping. So, his bed had quickly become their bed, his room became their room, and any walls she had left crumbled for him.
Their lives were by no means perfect, but they were happy together, their time alone in their quarters serving as a refuge against the stresses of the daily grind.
So, it was a bit of a surprise to Chakotay the night he heard of Irene Hansen's death when he entered their rooms to find it was not the sanctuary he'd grown used to.
Their living room was perfectly quiet and very dark when Chakotay entered after his shift. Confused since Seven should have been off duty before him, he called out for her. "Seven?"
"Here." Seven stood at the counter of their small kitchen, not doing anything that he could see. Her palms were splayed on the smooth surface like she needed the support. The blankness of her expression faded, but not before it encouraged Chakotay to speak about what he knew Seven wanted to ignore.
"I heard about your aunt." He didn't go to embrace her as he wanted. It was easy to see she was upset, but he could tell by the harshness of her set expression that her grief was leaning more towards introversion than desire for physical comfort.
"Icheb?" Seven asked. Chakotay nodded. "He shouldn't have said anything."
"I disagree." He moved to the other side of the counter and placed his hands down, subconsciously mirroring her stance.
"I don't wish to discuss it." Seven didn't try to move away, but Chakotay sensed it coming. It didn't take a genius to see she'd shut down.
"You need to deal with your grief, Seven. You can't let it eat away at you."
"Nothing is eating away at me." There was a definite edge to her voice. "Individuals die every day."
"Irrelevant. She was your aunt. That makes this different."
"No, it doesn't."
"Seven—"
She walked away and he let her be alone. However, it wasn't the end of the conversation.
XXX
Chakotay sat without really seeing the equipment or lights outside, remembering with some regret how he handled Seven's refusal to talk. Hurt by her cold shoulder and determined to fix things, he acted just as he knew he shouldn't. He pushed the issue and they argued.
Seven then spent the evening in her old cargo bay instead of their quarters and spent all the next day avoiding Chakotay.
Knowing her stubbornness, Chakotay immediately devised a means to separate her from her haunts so they could talk without her being able to run away.
And now she's hiding in the back of the shuttle.
Damn.
XXX
Just as Chakotay knew she was, Seven stood, leaning against the wall of the sleeping quarters with no purpose other than to escape Chakotay's presence. The quarters were drab and small, designed only for short stints in space and minimal comfort. Her gaze wandered the sparse room without really seeing much of it. The cramped nature of the space seemed as insignificant as the greyness of the walls or the fight with Chakotay.
Chakotay's medicine bundle on the bed caught her eye.
Not spiritual herself, it was nonetheless something she appreciated in her boyfriend. The stories and myths she'd researched throughout her stint on Voyager held no personal connection to her and it was something she wished she could change, until her aunt died.
Now nothing felt personal anymore and seeking useless connections to things that were so wholly unconnected seemed as ridiculous as they had when she was freshly disconnected from the Borg.
Nothing was significant or meaningful.
Life had lost its luster and nothing was worth preserving.
Almost immediately her mind's eye drew Chakotay's face in front of her. Icheb's followed as did numerous other friends and crewmembers. She loved them all. Neither her tenderer emotions or sense of logic could let her fool herself into thinking her friends and family didn't matter just because she'd fallen into a self-pitying hole.
But they'll leave too. It was inevitable. Everyone left eventually. Life and death are so intertwined…
The medicine bundle sat there, a reminder of the relationship ties she'd worked so hard to forge over the years and equally a reminder of the deaths that would eventually separate her from them all.
The tawny brown leather of the pouch was soft under her fingers. She felt the meditation stone inside and the outline of the few other items that made the collection a spiritual connection for Chakotay. He had sat one lazy afternoon and explained them all to her. His heartfelt and sometimes shy explanation of their origins and how he'd come to appreciate their spirituality was logged in Seven's memory as the single most important conversation between them. She'd listened to every detail he provided, every story of his childish rebellion against his father's pressures and every tale of ritual and connection that made up his people's lifestyle. Though still feeling removed from the essence of his spirituality, Seven had felt as reverent towards it and its meaning as Chakotay.
It wasn't her possession, but her familiarity with its components made the bundle a representation of the intimacy she shared with Chakotay. It sat, practically mocking her and her self-imposed isolation.
The longer she stared at the simple bundle, the louder the silence around her pressed on her mind. She felt she was falling into a dark hole, an abyss no one would ever find her in.
With a jolt, she pulled her hand away and went to the replicator.
Seven, though proud and sometimes stubborn, knew when it was time to accept someone else's better judgement.
A delicious smell alerted Chakotay to Seven's return. He spun in his seat to confirm the scent of lasagna was destined for him. Though she avoided his eyes, Seven did indeed carry two plates of replicated pasta. Wordlessly, she handed his over and sat with her own.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." She took a bite, but her appetite had vanished. Seven set her plate aside, but waited until Chakotay was done his lunch before speaking. "I'm sorry."
Chakotay paused, unsure what to say. "It's all right."
"No, it's not." She sighed deeply. "Chakotay, I don't know what to say."
Taking her hand and placing a kiss on her knuckles, Chakotay was gratified when she finally looked at him. "Why not start with why you didn't tell me about Irene?"
"I didn't want to talk about it." Rather, she didn't want to express the feelings associated with her aunt's death. I still don't. She dropped her gaze to the floor. Luckily, they'd been together long enough that Chakotay didn't need her to elaborate on the unspoken part.
"You haven't had a problem like that with other situations. We've talked about lots of things."
"I don't know." His expectant silence, however, would not allow her to end with that. "When I heard she was dead, I wondered why it seemed so significant to me. I don't remember her from my childhood. We could only learn so much about one another over such a large distance. One death among millions of people is insignificant."
Chakotay smothered a smile, well aware she didn't really believe that. "But?"
"She was the last link."
"To Earth?"
"To Annika Hansen and…"
"And your parents." Chakotay nodded. He knew all too well the holes left when parents died prematurely and how people sought out whatever connections they could to things they lost. Hadn't that been his whole reasoning for joining the Maquis? He wanted revenge not because he believed it would undo the horrors done by the Cardassians but because it was the only way he could think to keep his father's memory alive. It had been a long time before Chakotay could even admit fighting for the Maquis was more for his own warped sense of connection to his lost family than to stand for anything his father would have approved of. After all, he knew his father would wholeheartedly have disapproved of joining the rebel group.
"It reminded me of them and that…"
"What?"
"You could leave me too."
Chakotay shook his head and held her hands closer. "I'm not going to leave you, not ever."
"You could die or be assimilated like they were. All of Voyager could be," she said before he could draw on either spiritual wisdom or empty platitudes about their luck and skill against the hazards they faced.
Ah yes, thought Chakotay, this is why she's withdrawn. She feared loss and compensated by pushing him away before he could leave. It was a common reaction to great loss or trauma and she'd experienced both in excess over the course of her life.
"I'm sorry." Seven dropped her gaze, shame and insecurity taking hold.
"Don't be, Seven. I actually understand." He dipped his head, gathering his thoughts before trying to tackle such a difficult subject, one that had no real answers despite having existed since humans first assigned significance to their own lives. "I know exactly how you feel."
"I know you do." If anyone could understand, it certainly would be Chakotay, whose parents were both taken from him too early and whose sister was in the Alpha Quadrant. That knowledge made it at least a tiny bit easier to finally try to explain herself.
"Any of us could be hurt or killed at any time out here. Even if we were in the Alpha Quadrant, there's no guarantee of anything. That's why we need to enjoy what we have while we still have it." His thumb stroked the back of her hand. "We can't give up everything we love just because we're afraid of losing it."
Seven nodded, but still refused to meet his eyes.
"I'm sorry about Irene, Seven." And he was. He'd gotten to know Irene Hansen over the communication link just as well as Icheb and Seven had. The woman had proven a kind and warm individual and deeply attached to her niece, the last link she had to her lost brother. He smiled. "Do you remember when you introduced us?"
"Yes." Seven let out a tiny laugh. Irene had looked directly at Chakotay much like an overprotective parent and without much preamble, concisely warned him against hurting her niece. No matter the distance between the Delta and Alpha Quadrants, she made it quite clear he wouldn't be safe from her.
As Seven's tears finally escaped her walls, Chakotay pulled her to him. Without shushing or hushing her, he merely held and let her give vent to the grief she'd denied for too long.