A songfic/multi-parter
angst, drama, yaoi, plot; au
warnings: PG-13, a bit of sap... maybe, almost?
spoilers: in the timeline, and asuka
note: aya may seem a bit OOC here, gomen if he is, I just didn't have the heart to re-write him!

[updated: 5/14/02]


Part Four
__
Geschraubt Herauf
(fucked up)

How was your visit with Aya-chan? Ken asked innocently, his bangs swatting his forehead as he leaned over a fresh bouquet of freesia.

Aya took a handful of Iris' to the sink to cut and wash the stems. Ken sighed, the heat getting to him and he rolled up his sleeves.

You don't talk much about her anymore, I don't understand...

Nor would you Ken. Just work.

You know, Aya... I have problems in my life too. It isn't all free and fancy. With you gone from Weiß we have to rely more on Omi, and he gets worn out easily...

Aya didn't answer, moving into another room.

/Maybe I don't understand him, Youji. But I don't want to. He doesn't understand a thing. Especially me. I hate this atmosphere anymore. It's like he's blaming the problems in Weiß on me... Maybe... they are my fault./

Ken sighed, moving to go wash his hands in the sink. Things were screwed up lately, especially with the upcoming mission that Ken had no idea about. It was a complicated job where they had to go into a private facility and crack a security code without getting caught and then have enough time to escape and get the artillery from the rooms.

He sighed and leaned against the door frame of the room Aya had slipped into.

So, what's Youji hiding from now? He spoke in a casual voice, crossing his arms and staring at the floor.

Aya turned around quickly, glaring at Ken.

What? Youji's not hiding...

He didn't come in today, you know.

Aya took a breath, thinking. Youji should have been in hours before he came.

He snorted and turned his head.

You think he's just being lazy as usual, or do you think there could be... anything else keeping him?

He's just a fool. He's probably out getting plastered. When I see him... I'll notify him of what he's done.

That won't do much. He's probably just following after your example. He'll probably quit Weiß too. Maybe he should.

Aya stared at Ken. He was holding his own wrist, running his fingers against the veins there. Ken was acting strange. Did he know about Yuriko?

There's nothing I can do. I have other priorities now, rather than Weiß. Aya was cold, and he turned his head, ready to go.

Ken jumped, grabbing his arm, tightly. No! You didn't have to leave! Weiß is hard for all of us! You just gave up... we never gave up... Don't you understand? We've all been through so much... but you can't even stand up to this! Aya pulled his arm back, looking harshly back at Ken.

Stop. I made a choice. I left. Maybe I did give up. But I don't need this Ken. Forget it.

Ken let him go, watching his back with blurred eyes, blinded by rage. How could Aya do this to them? How could he walk by and watch them suffer?

Don't you care... about other people? They're dying without you! /We need you Aya.../

Aya didn't answer, he started through the flowershop and exited out the front door, the bells jingling as it shut behind him and he walked into the hazy rain. Omi had just entered the room with a recently potted cattelya.

Ken-kun? Where's Aya-kun going?

Ken walked past Omi, his fists clenched.

Somewhere away from here.


* * *

***********************************
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
***********************************

Aya escaped through the jungles of cool rain cascading down his body, sliding down the hem of his shirt and dripping against his cheeks. His hair plastered against his face and he didn't bother to shake it away, the small strands becoming string like.

He had to get away, get away from the shop and those words. Ken's words hit him at an impossible rate. He shook his head, tasting the cool rain.

It was true, wasn't it? He didn't care about the others did he? Selfish...

Maybe people would die, but he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to escape. No one understood. Maybe not even him.

His hands were like ice. Then he started to run, like a wild boy running from his mother's reprimanding words.

/I've got to get out... got to get out.../

Weiß was falling apart. And even if Aya was the one who used to hold it together, he knew he could never go back. Too much damage. Youji was afraid too. Youji probably couldn't stand it back there, stand to face Ken's anger. And Aya saw it too, the ferocity in the boys eyes stung him. Or maybe that was just the cold rain turning into sleet.

The park was empty when he reached it. Fallen rose petals scattered the ground. It was only Autumn and already it seemed as though the season were changing. Winter was closing in on the city, like a dark cloud, hurrying to suffocate it. Aya sighed and breathed heavily looking up at the sky, now white, covering the far away mountains and the horizon. It was so lucid, like his heart. Maybe he had no right to leave Weiß. He stood against a wet bench, looking out across the pond, empty and cold. His rigid fingers plucked at his front pocket, to bring out a small crushed iris.

Aya-chan... I won't leave you... I won't desert you. Not like I deserted them. You know that right? His breath shuddered in his lungs when a hand thrashed against his back.

the husky voice sounded too familiar and Aya turned around to see a pale, rather battered Youji.

He said, half because he had surprised him.

Is that for Aya-chan? Youji asked quietly, a small smile spreading across his chapped lips. He looked like shit.

What did you do to yourself? Aya asked, anger in his voice.

Eh, nothing that can't be fixed. It's nothing really...

Aya pressed the iris back into his front pocket, catching Youji instantly when he fell against him.

Bullshit. You can barely stand up.

Youji coughed heavily, not able to look at Aya.

I'm an idiot. Go ahead, you can say it. I couldn't... I couldn't take it anymore...

You stood me up Youji.

Youji shook his head, tears burning in his eyes, and he tried to turn from Aya.

I can't go back there Aya. I can't see Ken again. I can't see the look on his face. I can't see that pain. I... I've ruined everything.

He doesn't know yet, baka. You have to go back.

Youji shook away from Aya's support. Angry, he wouldn't look at him and he wrapped his arms around his chest.

No! Why should it matter? It'll just make it all the harder to bear... He'll find out... soon enough. It was a mission. And *I* didn't have to do it... but...

Aya grabbed him by the arm, harshly. If you don't go back, it'll get worse Youji. You have to face it...

Youji turned in rebuke to stare at him.

You go back then. Show me just how easy it is, hm? I love him, Aya! Youji sputtered as the sleet fell against his hair, turning it a dark brown.

Aya was silent, staring back at Youji, not knowing what to say. The playboy looked horrible. Love must hurt this much, he realized.

It'll look too obvious if you avoid it so much.

Youji sighed, turning his head.

I'm being ridiculous aren't I? he chuckled, you must think I'm so stupid...

Aya admitted. You're brave Youji. More than you think. You can face it... and I can't. I... He took a breath. He couldn't finish that sentence. He couldn't explain it, less understand it. /I have to see Aya-chan.../

*********************************
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
*********************************

Youji turned and sat on the wet bench, shivering.

It's not your fault Aya. We're all fucked up one way or another.

Aya's body shook as he gazed out across the pond, his vision blurring.



Youji didn't look up. He held his wrist, the aching worse in the cold.

You broke your body for him, didn't you?

Youji nodded and shrugged, a small childish chuckle escaping his lips.

I'm a kid Aya. He pulled out a cigarette. Got a light?

Aya looked back at him, something in those violet eyes so distant. So far away.

Who am I?

Youji looked back, his expression blank, though he was shocked at such a question.

I don't know. I don't even know who I am. I'm just a kid, foolin' around. But I think... I think you got it down. I think you're goin' somewhere, Aya.

But where? Aya seemed to be pleading with him, looking confused as the sleet drenched his head, his hair.

We're just driftin' Aya. We used to have Weiß. We'd kill, to survive... to help people... But, we're so selfish anymore, it's hard to save the others. I just... can't do this anymore. I can't kill my lovers. But hell, life's gotta go. I gotta go.

Aya nodded to him, though he was still confused. His eyelashes were thick from the sleet.

You gonna go back? Aya spoke through blue lips. Youji nodded and smirked, the scrape on his cheek curling up with his lips.

Now how about that light?