A/N: This chapter starts out in Shuichi's POV, because… well… I re-read volume 8 (the last reeeally plot-decent volume; all the rest were kinda thin on plot and heavy on comedy.) and there were some things I wanted to use. And it's not really a POV; it's a Journal Entry by Shuichi. And later is stuff from Eiri's POV, because I think it should be well established that they need each other! And there's some major foreshadowing in the end of Shuichi's journal. Care to guess what's in store? And, by the way, I know the Eiri POV is thin. I can't quite connect with him... Ehhhhn...
The song is "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace.
Chapter Four: Recollection
All I wanted… was to have my own moment. A moment where I could actually be happy… Just one moment!
I knew it would be hard to create this moment, but I knew as long as I worked hard, it'd get easier to go on with the knowledge that I was going to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.
It got easier, much, much easier. Slowly, I could let myself forget everything I had back in Japan, and it didn't hurt so much to wake up in the morning. The days were everything was just so hard I couldn't stand even opening my eyes, and I would lie in bed all day, eyes closed, drifting in and out of sleep, soon disappeared. Gone too were the days where I just wanted to die, or sit and cry all day.
I stopped doing that at first because it worried everyone. Even Fujisaki got worried about me…
I let myself heal, and I used my music as an outlet for all those feelings that would sit on my chest and crush me. My music was my world. It kept me safe, and I sang, hoping that somehow it would reach his ears and he'd know how much he hurt me…
All I wanted was for him to come and apologize at first… Even though I said I was never going to see him again, I just wanted to get what I deserved! I wanted him to cry, at least one tear… Just one! He didn't even have to mean it, I just wanted to know that… he was human, and nothing we had was faked.
But after six months, he didn't show up. And I gave up.
This is when they put me on the pills, I was eighteen. I heard later on the news, after I had tried to slit my wrists a month later, that you should never give a teenager depression pills. I had an idiotic doctor…
I'm rambling, and I can't get my thoughts together… But after two more months, one in rehab, the other locked in my apartment, I began to mend.
I destroyed everything that had to do with Yuki. I deleted his phone number; I burned all the photographs, the books, even the clothes I had worn in his presence.
I then went and bought an entire new wardrobe, dyed my hair, and changed my music style. I dedicated myself to learning English, and became a citizen.
I re-created Shuichi Shindou. I would become the number one artist on the charts, and I would not care about Eiri Yuki. I would not love anyone ever again. It was too much work.
Still, I dedicated every CD to him, a small insert in the back of the lyric book in kanji, so no-one would know; I would write the same thing:
To you, Eiri Yuki.
To you, who ruined me;
To you, who gave me success;
To you, who I love and hate
Though you may not feel the same…
To you, I dedicate this CD.
It was poetic and pathetic, but it was how I felt. Y'know, I guess part of me still wanted him to pick up our CD in Japan and read it. I couldn't quite make up my mind…
But I 'forgot' all about him. I shoved every last memory into the very back of my mind, hopefully never to be accessed again.
I was still miserable! No matter what I did, I still dreamt of his face every freakin' night, I still sung my songs to him; I still wished I could feel him beside me as I slept! I can't forget him and it pisses me off so much! I forget things so easily, like melodies for songs I'm writing, or how to work my cell phone, but I can't forget the thing I want to forget….
And what makes me even madder at my self is… that… I still am very much in love with Eiri Yuki.
I realized that when I saw him at the Starbucks. I had the inexplicable urge to kiss his hand when I pulled it away from Hiro. I wanted to throw my arms around him and cry, and ask him to take me back, and make everything like they were…
And then I realized that I couldn't; that this man in front of me dumped me because Tohma Seguchi wanted it so.
And then I was mad. Not at Yuki, but at myself for being so foolish. So I yelled. I put all my anger, frustration, hurt, loneliness—everything—into that simple act.
Why I hit him, I don't know… It… just was one of those things that happen. If I see him again, I will be the bigger person and apologize for hurting him. I never truly did in the first place.
I would never really want to hurt Yuki… And that hurts me the most.
But then I manage to something worse… Something that will make me just like him. But I have to do it if I want my life back.
(Yuki)
How could I have thought that I'd forget everything? I knew it wouldn't work.
Sighing, I flip on the television. It was showing some weird live music show. Normally, I would have turned it, but there, plain as day, was Shuichi.
He didn't even look the least bit frazzled. He sat calmly, smiling and answering questions smoothly, introducing some purple-haired punk, who had his arm around Shuichi.
Shuichi smiled, shaking the hostess's hand. He stepped onto stage with his band mates, who began to play some rock melody… Since when has Bad Luck been rock n' roll? I thought techno was Shuichi's "thing"; well other than running around like a complete moron, but that was just plain Shuichi.
I listen to the song, simply because I'm interested now:
"Every time we lie awake,
After every hit we take,
Every feeling that I get,
But I haven't missed you yet.
Every room we kept awake
By every silent scream we make,
All the feelings that I get,
But I still don't miss you yet;
Only when I stop to think about it…
I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?
Only when I stop to think about you
I know
And only when you stop to think about me
Do you know…
I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?"
I seem to stop blinking, I seem to stop breathing. Why the hell does this song affect me like that? Maybe it's because I think it was written for me? I get that feeling by the way Shuichi's singing. But then, I could just be hallucinating; it's happened before.
That thought's banished as the memory of Shuichi on the floor in that coffee place resurfaces. I want to puke… But, still…
I can't help but stare at him. He's completely different from what he was three years ago; he's different from what he was yesterday. Me? I'm still the same.
I can't help but to admit, I miss him. It's stupid beyond belief, but I wish I hadn't broken up with that brat. But Tohma gave his ultimatum. End of the line. I couldn't risk that punk getting screwed over by my brother-in-law. I don't know which would've broken him more: The loss of me or the loss of his musical career. (Or hell, the loss of his life! I knew what Tohma did to that punk Aizawa.)
But I can't help but think that I'm the bad guy here. For once in my rotten life I try to do something nice to that brat! Well, no good deed goes unpunished in this world.
Trying to give myself something to do, I open that CD of theirs. I flip through the lyrics. Shuichi has managed English very well… I wonder how that happened.
A small dedication catches my eye only because it's written in Japanese. I read it.
To you, Eiri Yuki.
To you, who ruined me;
To you, who gave me success;
To you, who I love and hate
Though you may not feel the same…
To you, I dedicate this CD.
I think… I will go to that concert.