A/N:
Hello again. This chapter took longer than I wanted it to, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Also, I seriously love reading your reviews. The feedback seems positive and it honestly makes my day! I was deffo worried, what with this being my first fic and all, but I guess I'm not doing too bad! Anyhoooow, on with the show. Enjoy :D
Kakashi's world stopped spinning as violently as it had been before. Although he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that Iruka hadn't run after him, he was mostly relieved that he could now leave this place and never return. As far as he was concerned, his deal with Tsunade still stood; he came to today's meeting and he didn't think he needed anymore help. Iruka's appearance had thrown him off kilter, but drawing on his twenty-seven years of passivity and aloofness, he quashed any unwarranted emotions that had been bubbling since he'd seen him.
Scrambling to his feet, clawing at the locker doors and slowing his sways to a less noticeable wobble, Kakashi trained his grimace into a cool expression and continued down the corridor.
Iruka paced, looking for Kakashi. Just as he reached the end of the corridor and approached the glass doors, he caught a glimpse of that distinguishable silver crop in the car park.
"Kakashi! Kakashi, wait!" Kakashi tried to pick up his pace, but he was already concentrating too hard on trying to walk relatively straight without the added difficulty of increasing pace. Iruka caught up to him with ease. 'I should have known he would come after me'. Sighing, he turned around to face the younger man.
Time seemed to freeze again as they stood, unblinking; deep brown eyes trying to keep the tears at bay, cold black eye trying to focus on one of the two swaying Iruka's.
"So, it really is you," the younger man sniffed.
"Maa, Iruka, have I changed that much," Kakashi mused, expertly expressing nonchalance, despite the pounding in his head, and the twisting in his gut. He wasn't sure whether the latter was caused by seeing Iruka again, or whether he was about to throw up. Both were plausible.
Even if Kakashi was his usual, alert, black-belt self, he wouldn't have been able to predict or counter Iruka's next move. He didn't see it coming, but he heard the resounding smack and felt the prickling against his cheek. Righting his face from where the slap had moved it to, he looked back to Iruka ready to shout a 'what the fuck', but one look at the younger man silenced him completely.
Iruka's shoulders were completely hunched over and his head hung low, but Kakashi could see the glistening wetness down his face. They stood like that for what seemed like an endless moment, the only disruptions being the periodic hiccups Iruka let slip from the his virtually silent sobs.
"I've been waiting nine years to do that," Iruka whispered after a shaky sigh. "You...you just went. No word, or letter or call or anything. Did you even care? Were you affected at all by leaving; leaving Konoha, leaving the class...leaving me?" It was only then that he raised his head and looked at his old sensei dead in the eye, and everything he'd been waiting to say since he was fourteen was stilled by what he saw. He was hoping to see a bit of guilt but was expecting to see the usual indifference. What he was not expecting was anger.
Kakashi's hands were fisted and his brow furrowed deep. His lips were held in a thin taught line but the throb at his temple said that his teeth were grinding. If it not for the moistness covering the eyelashes of the one eye that was closed and had a pale scar running down it, Iruka would have been sure he was in for a beat down.
"Of course I cared. Of course I was affected," he croaked through clenched teeth.
"Then why? Why did you just leave like that? You didn't even say goodbye!"
"I...I couldn't".
...
He'd figured it was for the best. Long goodbyes would only make the whole situation unnecessarily emotional. Unnecessary emotions were what he'd been trying to avoid for the major part of his eighteen years. Where he was going, unnecessary emotions could get you killed, so that day, like all others, he hid them all behind his mask of indifference.
He'd figured it was the best for Iruka too. He knew only too well how emotions ruled the boy. If he stuck around there would be tears, he wouldn't have been able to leave him in tears, so tears would lead to comforting and that would only prolong and intensify the inevitable.
"I'm leaving and...I'm not coming back." He waited for the words to sink in, watching as Iruka blinked rapidly, trying to absorb the information. He didn't say anymore. Nothing more needed to be said. Once he saw the disbelief and confusion pass from Iruka's eyes, slowly drowned by tears of realisation, he removed his hands from his student's shoulders and moved swiftly to the exit.
It all happened too quickly for the stunned Iruka who was still trying to take everything in. It seemed as though one minute he was giving his sensei a birthday a gift the next he was looking at his back in the doorway, scarecrow in hand.
The situation struck him like a bolt of lightning and he scrunched up his karate gi in a fist at his chest, loud ragged breaths indicating the start of a panic attack.
"K-Kashi...you...you can't!" He panted through those panicked breaths, bile rising in his throat at the prospect of losing the closest person in his life after his parents. "D-don't leave...don't leave me. Please".
Kakashi's nails were biting hard enough into his fisted palms to draw blood, but there was nowhere to direct his anger towards. This was no one's fault but his own. 'I knew this was my path all along and I still allowed him to get too close...Soldiers don't cry. Soldiers do not cry'. Kakashi continued this mental mantra until his eyes obeyed and he was sure he could speak without his voice cracking or a sob escaping.
"I'm sorry Iruka". With those three stern words he exited the hall not looking back, leaving behind a devastated student to fall to his knees and mourn.
...
"What?" Iruka's tears had long since dried, now he was just getting more and more pissed off at his sensei's sorry excuses, which was easy enough given his even sorrier appearance. "You couldn't say goodbye? You just dropped everything and left. One second everything's fine as usual, then you just disappeared out of my life, like it was nothing...like I was nothing". The last part was murmured but Kakashi heard it.
"It wasn't like that. It's just...that was my path from the beginning". Kakashi exhaled loudly, turning his head away from Iruka and towards the main road that would take him home. 'I need a fucking drink'.
He knew it hadn't been fair the way he had left. But there had never been a right time to explain - to explain his legacy, his commitments, his destiny. How do you tell your student that you're a genius who, practically since birth had been nurtured with a soldiers mentality? His father had been such a respected and renowned Lieutenant, legendary even, and it was clear that Kakashi, from a shockingly young age, was a prodigy. He not only possessed incredible physical prowess, but also had a tactician's intellect, sharp enough to put Captains and Majors to shame.
His father's suicide had shaken his eleven-year-old world to its very core. He couldn't deny his path; his training under his father's guidance had assured that he had no childhood; nothing to fall back on but strategy and combat. He was never an extrovert, but after that tragedy he closed off completely. It was his father's last mission that had dragged him into severe depression. He had chosen to save comrades rather than complete the mission, putting great strain on the Army as a whole. He was ostracised; loathed for what his failure had cost the Army. Kakashi heard over and over again how his father's emotions and feelings had led to his failure - unnecessary emotions that clouded his judgement. It was then that the young prodigy swore off them, determined to follow the guidelines to the letter. All emotions were wiped and he chose instead to wear a permanent mask of apathy and detachment.
Then Iruka came along. The boy was the epitome of feeling; never afraid to express and act upon his sentiments. Kakashi had only been training and teaching at the class to hone his combat and leadership skills until he could officially join the Konoha Army at the age of eighteen. His birthday was eagerly awaited by the higher-ups who knew of his talents and had sponsored his continued growth. His position was waiting for him; his path was set. Iruka was merely a speed bump. Or so he tried to tell himself.
No matter what happened he couldn't let that scarecrow go. As a soldier he had to live with modest possessions, but it was always among them. It irked him that with everything and everyone else he came across, he managed to maintain the expert detachment he'd perfected since he was eleven; everything but that damn scarecrow.
All these memories filtered back in Kakashi's mind's eye as he stood there in front of an expectant Iruka who was still waiting for an explanation. Nine years. It had been nine years and he'd still hung on to that gift. Looking back at the person who had held a place in his heart and his mind since he was twelve, the floodgates that had been keeping his emotions in check, threatened to collapse, and the patchwork job that the alcohol had been doing was steadily peeling away. 'Damn Obito for removing the permanent lock I had on these damn emotions'. Kakashi fisted his lifeless silver locks and grimaced at the memory of his fallen comrade. 'I really need a fucking drink'.
"Look, can we talk about this some other time; I just want to go home." Kakashi's voice was back to a croak and he was edging away from Iruka, ever so slightly.
Iruka had been watching him very carefully. He'd chosen not to say anything; Kakashi had seemed to be going through some internal battle if the slight grimaces and scowls had been any indication. Iruka felt like he was looking at a stranger. He'd never seen Kakashi look so affected; so feeling. Even though they were only whispers of emotions, it was more than he had seen in the six years as his student. He had had nine years to imagine how this reunion would go and this was far from any scenario he'd ever played out.
The taller man turned to head home when fingers wrapped around his wrist, stopping him going any further.
"Where do you live?" The question threw Kakashi off-balance. He's been expecting more questions about the past and his departure. He turned and managed to elegantly raise an eyebrow at Iruka.
"Why?"
"I'm coming to see you tomorrow. I'd come right now but I need some time to get my head together and I'm pretty sure you do too." Iruka said this so matter-of-factly that both of Kakashi's eyebrows inched to his hairline.
"I'm not sure if that's a good-"
"I'm not taking no for an answer Kakashi! I didn't chase you out here to slap you and bring up something that happened years ago. So you left on bad terms? That doesn't mean you're not important to me. I still care about you... a lot."
The floodgates on those emotions were seriously straining now. If he didn't leave now, Kakashi was sure they would overflow, taking him and Iruka out with them. He remained silent. He didn't want the man in his apartment. Certainly not in the state it was in at the moment. He didn't need anyone poking into his business and reprimanding him for his behaviour. He was fine, but he knew Iruka wouldn't see it that way.
"Please Kakashi. I...I just want to help".
'And there it is. Why does everyone assume I need their damn help? I won't be anyone's charity case.'
"Maa, Iruka, you know how messy I've always been. I couldn't possibly let you see the pig-sty I live in. Here take my number, we'll meet up instead".
Kakashi's smile was painfully fake as he gave Iruka his digits and the younger man knew it. As soon as he'd said the word 'help' he'd seen Kakashi's close off; all the feelings that were threatening to escape behind that eye retreated.
'I should have known. This is the emotionally-stunted Kakashi I'm dealing with. No matter how much he's changed he still won't accept help from anyone. All the trials and tribulations he's faced, he faced alone. Obviously he thinks he can do the same this time. Idiot. He's getting my help whether he wants it or not.'
"I'll call you tomorrow Kakashi."
The sensei and the student parted. One went home to mercilessly patch up his emotional floodgates with a bottle of whiskey, the other went home to strategise.
A/N:
Well, there we have it, for now. Next chapters already underway so that should be up relatively soon. Oh, by the way, a karate gi is the proper name for a karate uniform. Also, I know Kakashi's dad died when he was like 6 but that would have been too young to work in this story.
See you guys in the next chapter! Please review! :)