A/N: Okay y'all. This is obviously a difficult topic to write on, I worked extremely hard on this. I have no personal experience with carrying a child. However, I wrote this chapter for my best friend & our little Anastasia whom we love and miss dearly... She had an abortion not a miscarriage but it hurt the parents & the close friends involved nonetheless. She read over this chapter & gave her stamp of approval :) so to my best friend & our little angel...
Warnings: Miscarriage. (If you chose to skip this chapter, I sum it up at the end so you won't miss anything!)
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August 8th 2017
nineteen days. nineteen days before I could bring myself to write about it. nineteen days since the the stars in my sky lost their glare and the moon seemed to dull. nineteen days since my world changed when a soft-faced man told me I had gained and lost a child- all within the same sentence.
I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant when it happened.
I woke up with a ball of pain in my stomach and blood between my thighs. I miscarried they told me. Unknown causes. The doctors told me it was normal to mourn but how could I cry about something I was never given the chance to smile about?
I'll never hear his heartbeat or feel his legs pressed against my stomach. I'll never whisper sweet nothings to my bump in the middle of the night. or hear his first cry. I'll never hear his first words or see his first steps.
I should've spent the rest of my life with you but you spent yours with me.
My mourning came in the babies who cooed in their strollers as I walked past them on the corner of the street. It was the toddler who shared a secret smile with me over the booth divider. The pregnancy announcement an old family friend posted on facebook letting the world know her bundle of joy would arrive in a matter of months. My mourning came in the numerous mornings I found myself seated at the playground watching a young mother blow raspberries against her baby's belly.
My mourning comes every night as I find myself cradling the soft flesh of my tummy as I fall asleep, wishing nothing more than to find the missing part of me. My mourning comes every morning as I routinely bleach my sheets hoping to somehow scorch away the memories of that night and every night that followed.
I see you when I sleep. Blue eyes, dark hair and a constellation of beauty marks that'll never be. I spend most of my days asleep now- I can't decide if it's a nightmare or a dream. Maybe it's both but I pray that you keep haunting me if it's the only time I'll ever see you.
I never gave much thought to God but I never thought he'd be so cruel. To take something so precious- maybe he needed you up there but I needed you more down here.
I was left with a hole in my heart and a graveyard in my stomach.
The world doesn't notice when a flower doesn't bloom, it doesn't take a second look if the petals fall too soon… my mourning is real even if I never knew.
my baby was here even if he was gone too soon.
- Betty
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If you ever need help coping with any situation- my inbox is always open. I'll do the best I can, I love you all
*If you chose to skip this chapter, it's simply a diary entry regarding how Betty is coping with this news. The only vital take away is the fact that she had a miscarriage.*