"The quest for certainty blocks the search of meaning.

Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers."

~ Erich Fromm

Chapter Four: I Hated Being Pulled In All Directions

Draco

And then Hermione Granger began to cry.

It should have made me feel happy, satisfied that even when I was in captivity, I could keep myself in a slight position of power. I should have been thrilled. I should have been sneering, thinking that "Gee, the mudblood is so weak." I should have, that's what a Malfoy should have done.

So, why did my face fall in horror instead? Why did the fact that Granger was crying repulse me instead?

"Shit." I muttered quietly.

It was because the Order would definitely put me to death now, I told myself. As much as despised this bare, white room, I had the feeling that Hell would be a hundred times worse. An easy decision. I didn't want to die.

"Shit Granger" I muttered more loudly, confident that she could hear what I was saying. "That didn't come out right. I'm sorry."

Those last two words were the hardest I ever had to say. In fact, there was a good chance that I had rarely if ever apologised; the way Granger's sniffling stopped and the way she was staring at me was evidence of this fact. I was surprised to realise that I meant it. And it seemed like the significance of these emotions was not lost on Granger either.

There was a silence, when she stared at me quizzically. The tears had come to a stop but Granger's face was still awash with tears. I saw her stand up, slowly and began to walk towards the door. She waved her wand, silently undoing whatever wards had been placed upon it, when I spoke.

"Don't go."

My voice carried but sounded desperate in the empty room. I saw her pause. Shit I realised; that sounded like I wanted to be in her company. But that was only because she was the only person who ever visited me right? Wouldn't it be expected for me to hold onto the only form of human interaction that I had? Yes – that would be it. The house elf (don't ask me how the Weasleys managed to afford one) would always drop a tray of food and then leave, not even giving me an "Enjoy your meal, scum".

I was lonely and it was commonly known that lonely people sought the company of any human being available, right?

And then she was gone. Just like that; one minute she was here, an odd albeit pleasant surprise and the next she had vanished, and I was by myself again. How ironic it was, that I was gloating in order to make myself feel better but that plan had worked as brilliantly as Merlin's crappy track pants. In other works, badly. This meant that I had no choice but to listen as I got berated by the old clock.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Draco Malfoy is an idiot.

Cheers, clock.

Who needed a clock which didn't even show the time anyway? It was infuriating to hear the seconds of my life wasting away but not knowing how many hours. I was almost relieved when the quiet crack of a house-elf apparating broken my reverie. By the time I looked up, the little devil was gone, leaving only a steak, vegetables and a small glass of water.

I sighed and began to eat, falling asleep shortly afterwards because there was simply nothing else that I could do.

It was an uneasy sleep. I could see my father's face as he sneered at me, sneered at my incompetence to evade capture, within my own home. I could see the mirage of disappointment and displeasure, similar to the Dark Lord's when he found out that Snape had killed Dumbledore instead of me. And when I woke up, I couldn't help but feel relieved that I no longer had to fulfil every single expectation that my father had of me.

Relief couldn't last.

Mere minutes after I woke up, Harry Potter barged into my room (hellhole) with the fiery Weaselette. I barely had a chance to blink before I was pinned against the far wall.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" He bellowed like a wild caveman and his eyes were flashing with undisguised fury. "TELL ME MALFOY, WHAT DID YOU DO?"

I spluttered as Granger made an appearance in the hallway, looking confused but I was distracted by the need to tense my muscles as Potter sent two lows swiftly to my gut.

"TELL ME MALFOY!" He yelled. "TELL ME WHAT YOU DID AND THEN MAYBE I'LL TALK MYSELF INTO SPARING YOUR LIFE!"

"Harry, what's going on?" Granger asked.

Yeah Potter, what's going on? I thought, realising too late that I had voiced this thought out loud. My eyes widened slightly in alarm as Potter's hand flitted towards his pocket and most likely his wand but to my astonishment, the Weaselette reacted first. I was hit with a well aimed Bat Bogey hex and had to succumb to the strange and irritating sensation of having these things flapping around my face. As I waved my hands in an unsuccessful attempt to drive them away, I could hear Potter shouting an aggravated explanation.

"HERMIONE! They know now. They know where we have our headquarters. They know where to attack us for maximum damage, because THAT'S THE PLACE WHERE WE PLAN AND PREPARE EVERYTHING!" Potter still made no sense; what did this have to do with me again?

"If they can even find the place." Granger said, slowly with impatience, as though she was speaking to someone who was mentally incompetent. "Fidelius charm, remember?"

"HE COULD HAVE TOLD THEM!" Potter shouted, pointing at me.

The Bat Bogey hex was lifted suddenly. Now Weaselette and Granger were joining me, staring confused at Potter although I did notice that Granger kept casting odd looks in my direction.

"Harry, he's not the secret keeper." Granger said in the same slow voice. "Even if ferret here, managed to, while stuck in a room with no windows, send a message to the death eaters, all they would manage to find is an empty patch of farmland. Mr Weasley is the secret keeper, remember?"

She then proceeded to drag Potter out of my cell, with Weaselette quickly following suit. I heard Granger mumble something under her breath and I was locked in again.

Locked in with my confusing thoughts.

I had no idea what was going on. I could only assume that Potter was peeved because I apparently I had leaked some major secret to the death eaters. This information being the location of the Order Headquarters despite having no idea where we were.

As far as I knew, we could be in an underground cave in the Gulf of Mexico. It sounded unlikely but was as probable as any other possibilities.

I wanted to kick my wall. I hated not knowing. I hated being pulled in all directions and have no idea where I would end up. I hated myself changing; I hated feeling out of character, out of my element.

I hated being confused.

Hey! Thanks for reading this chapter and I'm hoping that you'll be kind enough to drop me a review. Is it good, bad or downright atrocious?

~livebyinsanity