crazyobsession101: Glad you are continuing to enjoy this. I like Will's character, too, I think he is a good balance for JJ. But, absolutely, he needs to quit drinking. That is not helping anything. I hope they will be alright, too. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!
Tara621: Oh, man! No, JJ's not THAT crazy! Haha! She just needed to show Will what was what. I know, probably not a very smart move, but she is sleep-deprived and desperate. Enjoy chapter 4!
sunshinecutiebre: JJ is not telling the team because she thinks she can handle this all on her own and she wants to protect Henry, of course. But hopefully she will tell them, soon! Hope you like the newest chapter!
zzz-zzz84: I know, it is unsettling to write those things, too. But yes, we know he is alive, and that is the most important thing! Hope you like the next chapter!
CrystalIceLover: Thanks! I'm glad to know you are enjoying it! Keep reading to find out what happens! Hope you like what's next!
iamnumbernine: Thank you so much! That's so sweet of you. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!
spk: Thanks! Hope you enjoy the next chapter!
KaitlinRoxUrSox: Thanks so much! Hope you like chapter 4!
There is no scientific theory of the universe that sufficiently answers the question: "Who entrusted to me this child?" - Robert Brault
JJ is desperate. She does not know how she has let this happen. Not the taking. For once, she is not thinking of that. It is something else. Something worse. Because she has somehow lost the list she has kept with her at all times. She has not slept in days. When she slips into the BAU at 4 AM to search frantically through her desk, and also tear apart Emily and Spencer's…well…that's when JJ knows. She has lost her mind.
There are sixteen hours left until she has to trade herself in for her son. JJ curses herself. How could she have been so stupid? She knows that he will never let Henry go. He'll keep both of them. Or maybe he'll just keep her and get rid of Henry. Or both of them. The thoughts are enough to turn her stomach so JJ shoves them out of her head and tries to concentrate through bleary eyes.
Right now, finding that damn list is top priority. Without it, she is definitely screwed. So, she is on her knees, digging through desk drawers, tossing scraps of paper aside, and even digging through trash cans. The ones by the three desks. She even goes to Hotch, Morgan, Garcia and Rossi's offices to be sure that her list hasn't somehow made it onto their desks or into their trash.
Her heart is pounding. Adrenaline courses through her body. This is it. If she cannot find this, it's over. Not just for her, but for Henry, too.
"What the hell?" Emily asks, and JJ jumps and turns violently. She is back to pawing through Emily's own desk drawer, in the midst of an amazing mess of papers, folders and anything else she has managed to unearth from the desks. The trash cans are overturned.
JJ knows how she looks. She has not bothered to change clothes since the day before. Her hair is falling out of its clip. Her suit jacket is tossed in with the clutter. She looks like hell. But she cannot stop searching. If she stops, they are both dead. Herself and her son.
"JJ, what is going on?" Emily asks, her tone serious.
But JJ is single-minded in her pursuit of this one small thing. She glances at her watch again. Shit. How have four hours passed without her knowing? She is down to less than twelve hours.
She does not notice when it falls from her pocket. She does not notice when Emily bends down somewhere behind her and picks up a piece of paper with unfamiliar writing.
"JJ. What is this?" she asks. This time she waits for JJ to turn. To acknowledge her.
When she does, JJ nearly passes out. "Give it to me," she demands, hand out.
"Are you in some kind of trouble?" Emily presses.
"No," JJ scoffs. She stands up, trying in vain to pull herself together. To fix her appearance so that she will not be so easily seen though.
Yes.
"Come on. I know that look," Emily persists.
"I'm not kidding." JJ's voice is low, level, and getting softer with each word. Anyone who really knows her knows that the more upset she becomes, the softer she speaks.
"Involve the police and you will never see him again. Do not search for me. I know exactly where you are. I have always known. Remember. If I can't have you…nobody will… " Emily reads, and JJ lunges inelegantly for the list. This cannot be happening. No one else can know.
But Emily's eyes meet her own. They know without confirmation.
"JJ…Where's Henry?"
The question, asked so simply, without a hint of judgment, breaks JJ down even further. She does not know how much longer she can keep going. Not like this. Not if everyone else knows. If he has been following her all these years, then surely he knows what she does for a living. Surely involving them would mean, by default, involving the cops. But she can't think straight anymore. She doesn't have all the answers, damn it, and she is less than twelve hours from losing herself and her son completely.
If she tells, Henry will die. If she doesn't, well, then there is no hope at all. JJ closes her eyes. She's probably screwed already. If he is watching her every move, he knows Emily found the list. He knows she is smart enough to put it together and figure out what is wrong, even if JJ can't speak it out loud.
Suddenly - JJ does not know how - there are tears on her cheeks. Suddenly, she is sobbing. She can't say the words. She can't say anything. She can't stop this. Even though she knows that even more than the mess, a show of emotion this big is bound to attract attention and confirm that Emily is right. It's only a matter of time, now, before she loses Henry for good.
JJ sinks to her knees. Her hair falls around her face, shielding her from view. She knows that she is alone now. Emily has left and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she can collect herself and get the hell out of here before anyone else is the wiser.
But no. Here's Hotch, speaking low and soft, asking how they can help. Putting a hand on her arm and promising they will do whatever they can.
JJ does not remember him being like this. So gentle. So understanding. But then, JJ guesses, Hotch would understand, more than most. His ex-wife and his son were kidnapped, in a way. Haley was killed, but Jack, somehow got away unscathed.
So, maybe there is hope, but right now, all JJ can feel is this deep, empty ache.
"I can't… I can't do this or… I can't say anything!" she exclaims. Her voice is too loud. Too intense, but JJ can't help it. She needs them to know that this is serious.
"JJ…" Hotch says quietly, taking in the mess, and the paper from Emily. He scans it briefly and speaks again. "It's someone you know?" he deduces.
"I told you! I can't! If I say anything, it's too late! Who am I kidding? It's already too late-" JJ breaks off, emotion closing her throat.
"Come on," Hotch says offering her an arm.
Somehow JJ gets off the floor and allows herself to be led into a conference room. Garcia's inside, with the rest, but JJ doesn't care. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
"What's going on?" Garcia asks, rushing to JJ's side. "What happened? Why'd you tear apart the lair? You know I could get you whatever you need and more…" Garcia is speaking sweetly, like JJ used to speak to Henry when he was scared like this. JJ wonders absently how Garcia knows to do this, before she is even a mother herself. It must be a gift. Some people must be born with it.
Garcia comes closer and JJ, she wants to fight it. She wants to keep Garcia and Hotch and Emily and Rossi and Reid and Morgan all at a distance. It's ugly and terrible but the words come tumbling out of her like stones flung at so many offenders she cannot keep them straight.
It's easier than admitting that she needs them.
"No, you know what? This isn't important. Because Emily's back and Ashley's gone! It doesn't matter that my two-year-old was stolen from his bed in the middle of the night by a bastard who beat me! Who's been following me for God-knows how long! Since college! But no, you know what, just work your damn case today! It doesn't matter! You're all free to do whatever the hell you want!"
Afterward, she is too damn exhausted. It's close to a week. God only knows what's happening to Henry and damn it, she can't do this alone. In spite of everything she's said, Garcia takes JJ in her arms and holds her close, while the others stand silently and wait for her to speak. To say anything that will give them a clue or cause to help.
"He took him…" she gasps and it's only a whisper.
Garcia does not answer because she knows there are no words that can be said right now to soothe what is wrong. She doesn't talk about putting a file together, about them working the case, and finding the son-of-a-bitch, like JJ might have, once upon a time. Before it was her child. Garcia just holds on and hums sympathy and eyes everyone around the room, sending them silent messages JJ can feel but cannot interpret.
When JJ pulls away, too exhausted to be embarrassed, Hotch is offering her a tissue. "We're not touching anything else until Henry's back, safe with you." He breaks eye-contact only long enough to meet the eyes of everyone else on his team.
"What about Nashville?" Reid asks, referring to the file in front of him.
"Nothing else," Hotch repeats. "We'll get another team on Nashville." Hotch turns his attention back to JJ. "I want you to tell us everything. From the beginning."