...

Maddie tried to forget her dream. Not one of the ones about fire and falling, not the one about being chased by laughing robot clowns with flamethrowers and buzz-saws - which just sounded silly when she tried to explain it, but it absolutely terrified her when she dreamed it. No, she'd dreamed that Scott had packed his bags and gone away, with a shrug and a 'Jean was always the one for me.'

It had hurt, playing right into her own insecurities. The down right creepy amount of resemblance between herself and the late Jean Grey didn't help. If they hadn't looked so much alike, her fears would be easier to push aside. But there were times when she wondered if she was just a replacement for Jean. Someone close enough, since the one he really wanted was dead.

A consolation prize.

She hated those feelings. Hated the worry, the fear, the way those dreams could leave her gut quivering and her eyes filled with tears. She was supposed to be a capable, confident woman, one with a career, someone who'd been standing on her own, independent. Except that her memories were very patchy up to a few months before she'd met Scott. She could barely remember being the confident, independent woman that she'd been told Madelyn Pryor had been.

She didn't like that either. She'd searched for all sorts of ways to try to bring back the memories that were supposedly buried by the crash. None of it had worked, though she could meditate and put her breathing into a calm pattern regardless of how upset she felt. No help for her memory, but it might be good for her blood pressure.

Maddie had noticed something the last few times that she'd meditated. A few tiny objects had been floating. She'd been making them float. She was trying to bring herself to the point where she could do that without being almost in a meditative trance, but it didn't always work. And she hadn't tried lifting anything larger than a marble.

But she'd lifted that marble. More than once.

She was telekinetic. Not powerful, and nowhere near skilled. But... the ability was there, was showing itself.

Maddie hadn't told Scott. Didn't intend to tell Scott, not now or ever. Because Jean had been telekinetic. A powerful, skilled telekinetic capable of doing amazing, marvelous things. She didn't want anything else that was like Jean. Especially not something where she would come up so terribly lacking in comparison to the perfect, dead Jean Grey.

She couldn't explain it either. Didn't that sort of ability generally show up around puberty? Maybe as late as fifteen or sixteen? She was long past that age, if she had any sort of genetic mutation, shouldn't it have become apparent years ago? After all, she had a whole life behind her, even if she couldn't remember it... didn't she?

It was absurd to think that a mutation would only be manifesting now. Unless it had been there before, and suppressed by the accident? She didn't even know if that was possible, or who she could ask.

Well, maybe Professor Xavier would know, or be able to make an educated guess. Except that contacting Xavier meant the X-Men, meant all of Scott's old friends, meant all the memories of Jean and mutants fighting... All the things they had left behind to make a life together.

No, she wouldn't be asking Professor Xavier.

She just wished that she could lay these fears to rest. That she would be able to say, firmly and without doubts, that Scott loved her for Maddie, not for being a copy of Jean. That he was committed to her, to their family. That Scott didn't wish it was Jean in his arms at night.

But no matter how many times she tried to tell herself that her fears were silly, they remained. Every time she saw Scott looking at the box that held his old uniform, when he thought she wouldn't see him, it fed her fears. Every time he called her marvelous, it made her wonder if he saw her, or if he saw Jean. Every time she told herself that she was strong, that she'd lived on her own, that awful gap in her memories taunted her, making her wonder how she could prove that. How she could prove anything.

But Nathan Christopher was real. Her job here and now was real. This fledgling ability to float marbles was weak, unsteady and not much use, but real. Her love and determination to take care of her son was real. Love had to be stronger than fear, it just had to.

She said nothing of her doubts to Scott. Nothing about her fears that he only saw her as a second chance with Jean. Nothing about how much her memory gaps bothered her.

Instead she talked about how there was nothing good on the television. How there was a very opinionated ratio music host who swore that he'd found the next greatest rock band. How she thought Nathan was starting to get a tooth. How their neighbor Karina was juggling two handsome boyfriends, and thought she might have to pick one of them soon, or else give in and ask them to share. Scott laughed at that one.

Maddie had no idea why it suddenly filled her with dread when the telephone rang. She wanted to cover her ears and demand that Scott not touch it. She was certain that it would be something terrible, something that would turn her world upside down. Turning to her son, Maddie tried to remember to breath, to keep from glaring at the phone, to keep from asking why her husband had answered it.

She didn't hear what Scott said. Barely noticed as he sank to the couch, perched on the edge of the cushion. Sat there, having hung up the phone, staring at the wall.

It took her too long to form words. To ask, in a voice far too weak and shaky, "Scott? Who was on the phone?"

He sounded dazed as he answered, "That was the Professor."

Maddie didn't have to ask which professor. To Scott, there was only one person who was the Professor – Charles Xavier. Her feeling of dread grew, like a snowball moving downhill in her stomach. "What did he say?"

"He said… they found… it shouldn't have been possible, but Richards is a genius. They found… its Jean." Scott's words were barely coherent.

Maddie felt like she couldn't breathe. All her fears were rising up, trying to swallow her whole. All her fears, all her doubts and nightmares… She knew what he was going to say, no matter how crazy, how impossible. "Jean? But…"

"She's alive."

Maddie had no words. Tears began to leak from her eyes, wetting her cheeks. All those awful, impossible dreams… Jean was back. Alive again. Perfect, wonderful Jean that had always been her husband's first choice… She didn't have the courage to ask what would happen now. To give him the chance to tell her what all those dreams painted as the next step. To give him the opening to tell her that he would be going to New York, leaving her. Going back to Jean.

So this was what it felt like to have your heart break.

End Maddie Dreams: Despair.