Chapter 4 - Confrontation
It took Levi a few moments to process his current situation as he lay on the hard cold floor. There were three outstanding facts:
Mikasa had just punched the hell out of him.
Eren was crying.
They were still onstage.
They were still on the fucking stage. But being the impulsive overprotective friend that she was, Mikasa could not wait a minute longer to humiliate them all. Onstage. If they hadn't turned heads before, they definitely had now.
Levi knew this, he was aware of it, but yet he could not stop his body from launching itself at Mikasa full speed. He'd had enoughof her bullshit. One second he was on the floor, and the next he was returning Mikasa's punch. Then they were both exchanging fast blows while Jean got behind him and tried to pull them apart. The idiot obviously didn't' think that through. He was nowhere near strong enough to separate them and even if he did manage to stop Levi that still wouldn't stop Mikasa. Jean ended up lying somewhere on the floor in pain after Levi gave him a back kick without interrupting his dance with Mikasa. The crowd responded five minutes too late. By the time they were pulled apart, Levi could feel blood inside his mouth and at least one growing bump in the back of his head. Mikasa didn't look any better.
Expectedly, they were kicked out and banned from ever coming back, and Levi could still hear the distant hypocritical shouts of "woman-beater" and "abusive bastard" as the four of them walked out of the place in exhausted silence. Levi rolled his eyes. People and their stupid stereotypes. Mikasa was stronger than any man he knew, apart from himself.
A sigh broke the silence.
Levi wasted no time to launch himself at the guy. He grabbed Eren by the collar of his shirt and pushed him some eight feet back until his head hit back wall of the bar.
"Explain this shit to me right now" He paused to spit blood. "I think I deserve a fucking explanation". His free hand formed a tight fist. He had to fight against himself to not punch the guy's face in. His other hand still held Eren loosely by the throat. From his peripheral vision he could see Mikasa making her way over with a trailing Jean. Eren shook his head and pushed Levi away with surprising strength, almost making him stumble.
"Shut up! You piss me off!" Levi couldn't tell if Eren was crying or laughing. Now it was Levi's turn to be pushed up against a wall. "You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you. I'll fucking tell you." Eren had a loud mouth, but it was rare for him to curse. Suddenly losing strength, he slumped against the wall beside Levi, running an exasperated hand through his hair. "I can't do this anymore. I can't. I just can't".
"How long has it been since we met Levi?" His voice went down to a whisper. He continued without waiting for an answer. "Do you even know? Do you even care? Do you know how excruciatingly painful it is to remember all these useless details when you're trying so hard not to? To pay attention to everything you do, everything you say, to notice every time our hands touch by accident, to always have you in my field of vision even I'm trying not to? When you don't even spare me a glance?" Eren laughed pathetically, "I'm like a high school girl, it's so pathetic. Why did you come back into my life Levi? Why?" Eren's voice broke at this point, and Levi was rendered speechless.
"I was doing so well, had completely moved on" A sob, or laugh, Levi couldn't tell- "but then you had to come and show up again. Can't you just let me move on with my life? Why do you keep appearing before me? What the hell did I do to deserve this?" Eren took a couple deep breaths, trying to calm down. "And you know what's funny? All this time, you had not a fucking clue." Eren laughed darkly, or cried, or combination of both. "Why do you do this to me? Tell me Levi, why do you do this to me?!" Eren shouted, grabbing Levi by the shoulders and shaking him. The end of his shout turned into a choked noise and he let go, slumping against the wall once more. He ran his hands through his hair, his eyes reflecting anguish to such an extent that Levi and the other two witnesses simply stood stunned in place. Eren sucked in a few more shaky breaths and pushed himself off the wall. He joined his other two friends, who looked at each other before nodding and followed after him.
Mikasa turned back to a flabbergasted Levi. She shook her head sadly and left.
The other two departed without sparing a single glance at the raven haired man. He stood in the ally motionless for some time, trying to process what exactly had just happened. Then, suddenly, a wave of fury overtook him.
How dare they. How fucking dare they make me the antagonist when I had no idea of anything that was going on. How long had the bastard felt that way? What a fucking hypocrite! Him and everyone, people in general were such dirt. When the hell did I give Eren any sort of inclination for him to feel that way? Why is he so obsessed with me? What the hell? I didn't give him any reasons to. He went and did it all on his own. And then he had gone and told everyone. Except me. He pretended to be a friend for- how many years? Had it all been a lie since the beginning? Mikasa obviously knew, and I do not doubt for a second Jean was in on it as well. They probably spit on my food when I wasn't looking, and then smiled to my face the next second.
This is why Levi didn't deal with people.
His hands tightened into fists and he shook with the suppressed desire to hit something, anything. So he kicked the wall as hard as he could and cursed himself for it.
It motherfucking hurt.
He kicked it again.
He couldn't understand why they hadn't just told him. And why had the other two automatically taken Eren's side? His opinion wasn't even considered. He was there as bonding symbol for them to hate on, to talk shit about behind his back. Levi laughed bitterly and walked aimlessly to the next bar in the neighborhood. No way in hell he was going back to the other one. He briefly wondered how the bastards were going to get home. Not his business anymore.
He sat in a stool, the furthest away from people he could spot, and ordered the first thing he spotted on the menu.
Levi didn't drink. He occasionally drank a glass of fine wine in the comfort of his apartment when there was something worth celebrating. Last time was a few months ago when he got a nice bonus for a job well done. And the one before that had been in celebration of his salary being raised by a mere three percent.
Pitiful.
Were those the only things in his life that were worth celebrating anymore? A few extra thousands of dollars that made no difference to his lifestyle? And, possibly most depressing of all, there was not a single soul in his life he could share those pathetic celebrations with. The image of the retreating back of his three old friends came to mind. He punched the counter to get rid of it. He didn't need anyone in his life. It was true, but he couldn't stop the sulking feeling of loneliness from surfacing every once in a while.
The barista handed him a purple drink. What the hell did he order? Kool-aid in a cocktail? He scoffed and took a tentative sip. Not horrible, but not great either. He downed the whole thing to get the mediocre taste out of his mouth as soon as possible and ordered some kind of original orange mix next.
Why had Eren even approached him again? That run-in they had at Starbucks couldn't be helped, but Eren could have simply kept his mouth shut instead of forcing his way into Levi's life again. And yet he still dared accuse Levi of invading his life when he was trying to move on. Hypocritical.
As his second drink was placed before him, Levi realized that the reason he hadn't heard from the three of them over the last couple of years was precisely because of this. Because of Eren. He tsked in irritation. How immature could they get? Giving him the cold shoulder without even letting him know the reason. Thinking back on it, there wasn't a precise moment when they stopped hanging out together, they had just drifted apart. The more Levi thought about it, the angrier he got. They hadn't just drifted apart. He had been deliberately avoided.
To hell with people.
After his fourth or fifth drink, he started to feel the effects of the alcohol. He intentionally ordered a stronger drink than the last every time he ordered, because it just didn't feel enough. His anger level had substantially decreased to a tolerable level, and a new feeling began taking its place.
Guilt.
"Levi! These buttons are too difficult!" Nifa giggled, unbuttoning Levi's top hesitantly. She pushed him down onto the bed gently, straddling his hips. Her hands ran down his chest as she leaned down to kiss him. Levi met her halfway, content. This was the first time during the six months they'd been dating that they had gotten a chance to be intimate, and it was unbearably pleasant, if not a little awkward. Being the teenagers that they were, their frustrations and curiosity had built up, so much that the first time Levi's uncle announced he'd be gone all weekend, Levi jumped at the opportunity to bring Nifa over.
He smiled against the kiss, sitting up and pushing her down into the bed instead. He slid out of his top completely, then bent down and began a trail of neat kisses down her neck. This wasn't anything new, they'd done this kind of thing before. It was what came after that was untouched territory, and it made him both eager and nervous at the same time.
Suddenly, his phone went off, but they both ignored it. Whoever it was could wait. Nifa sat up and took her shirt off, and Levi admired her thin body. He reached out with newfound confidence, and distantly heard some noise outside, but they couldn't be bothered to pay attention. Nifa was soft, warm, and welcoming. This was their moment.
Until his door barged open.
"Levi! Why are you ignoring—"
Slowly, murderously, he turned around to face the unwelcome intruder. Fucking Jean stood frozen in the doorway, holding on to the doorknob with his mouth open. Levi grabbed a pillow and threw it at him as hard as he could.
"Get. The. Hell. Out." That seemed to have woken up the guy from his stupor, for he grabbed the pillow before it hit him and called out, "Woah. Eren! Come over here!"
"Eren-what? How the fuck did you even get in?" Levi stormed toward Jean and pushed him out of the room, but right before he slammed the door in his face, Eren appeared and Levi could see recognition flash in his eyes before it was replaced with some other emotion he did not understand at the time.
Levi released a long sigh. The signs had all been there. He just hadn't been paying attention. How many times had he unintentionally hurt Eren with his obliviousness? He couldn't even imagine. Nifa's and his relationship had been ongoing for well over a year until she transferred schools, and after that first time Eren had walked in on them at least two more times. Eren hadn't been obvious at all, but there had definitely been unconscious, subtle movements that betrayed his emotions. He didn't want to think about how painful it must have been to hold his feelings back and keep pretending it was all fine.
He could see it all clearly now, and it made his heart ache. The four teenagers had been very laidback and carefree, enjoying the world with no particular worries. Eren particularly grew closer to him gradually, invading his personal space naturally, touching him more than he did the others, always looking out for him and putting more weight on his opinions. Levi had taken it all for granted, accepting it as simple friendship. Which it probably was. There was a fine line between friendship and romance. At what point did one turn into the other? Was lust the only difference? But physical attraction wore off, so wasn't friendship preferable anyway? Levi didn't think Eren had even been aware of his own feelings at the time. He hoped he hadn't.
But at some point puberty must have hit him. And then Nifa came into his life. He wasn't a talkative person by nature, especially when it came to his private affairs, but Jean loved that kind of talk. He always forced all the details of his relationship with Nifa out of him. Of course, Eren was always around to hear them. And Nifa hung around them often. How many times had he canceled plans with the band to be with her? How many times had he asked Eren to cover attendance for him while he snuck off with her? He had even borrowed Eren's house one weekend when his parents weren't home. By the time she had transferred and the second semester of high school came around, he didn't really speak with his friends anymore. He hardly waved at them when he saw them in the hallways. Falling out of friendships was a common thing, and theirs was no different. It had been slow and gradual. Or so he had thought. Now he knew there was nothing natural about it. But perhaps they weren't totally at fault. He had admittedly neglected them a little to be with Nifa. But he had obviously been avoided and the thought again made him angry, but it was a subdued type of anger this time. Now it was coupled with feelings of remorse and regret. He was angry with himself, with his lost friends, with Eren. And he was angry at the fact that he was angry. He shouldn't be agitated over something that happened in the past and he had no control over.
Fucking Eren.
He wanted to vent. He wanted someone to talk to, but who else was there besides the bastards that were the cause of his frustration?
Well, he could always talk to her. His second and last girlfriend. The one that kept him company throughout college. The one that wouldn't leave him alone. Someone whom he was still in contact with. If being in contact meant exchanging texts every several months.
And who was better than his ex to complain about someone obsessing over him? The alcohol could always serve as an excuse.
He called her.
"Levi?"
"Hey. Are you free right now?"
There was some hesitation on the other end of the line, and he could hear a distant voice asking who was bothering at such a late hour.
"Um, where are you?" Levi told her where he was, and she promised to be there within the hour, forcing him to promise not to drink anymore. Levi hadn't mentioned he was drinking, but she was one of the few people that could notice the slight differences in his voice and countenance with ease. In fact, there were only two people he knew that were capable of doing so.
An hour and half later, the short blonde arrived.
"Petra". He offered a half smile.
She took one look at him and hugged him tightly, "Oh, you poor man, what's happened to you?"
Perhaps due to the alcohol, perhaps due to desperation, or a combination of both, he told her everything unreservedly. He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken so much. By the time he was done, she was holding back tears.
T his poor soul.
It was obvious to her just how much the incident had hurt him. During the three years they had been together, he didn't talk about any of his bandmates. She knew he had been in a band, but he didn't talk about the details of it. He wasn't hiding it exactly, but he cherished those memories and kept them in a private part of his mind. Something to look at fondly when he wanted to smile in private. While she was glad he was sharing this with her now, she was a little saddened that he hadn't shared it with her before. The only reason he was letting it out now was because the memories weren't the same anymore. The veil had been lifted. The innocent, happy, naïve memories of his youth had been replaced by a darkness he wasn't aware existed before. Pain, suffering, hypocrisy, obliviousness. The poor guy had been isolated without his awareness, or even the reason behind it. While she understood the other party's point of view, she didn't understand why they had revealed this now. It was a selfish move, and they hadn't considered Levi's feelings at all.
Petra's heart ached for Levi. The root of his distress wasn't even Eren or his friends. It was a deeper issue that had engraved itself within him over the last few years. Levi was clearly unhappy. Disappointed. Disheartened. Unsatisfied. Empty. He was sick of his job, sick of the workplace in general, sick of being chained to working for people to survive, sick of being sick of everything. He waved it off claiming his ambitions were too great, too unrealistic, too unachievable for his small hands, but the truth of the matter was that he was borderline depressed. He craved for something greater, something that gave him goosebumps, something that kept him up at night. But he was too old to dream, too old to realize any dreams and inspirations were too unrealistic to chase after. The world was a large one. Was this all there was in it for him? Couldn't there be something, somewhere? Letting go of one's dreams was what many called growing up. He hated that attitude. He hated that he had accepted it. He hated how mundane life was. He'd sold out. He'd become one of many. He'd become a slave. And he was afraid, afraid of the humdrum, monotonous life that awaited him.
He wanted freedom.
Today, on that small stage, he got a small taste of it. No, that wasn't right. He'd already tasted it before. And that made it all the more agonizing. The matter with Eren had wounded him. It had re-emphasized his feelings of emptiness. The one place that had once offered him freedom, happiness, fulfillment was no more.
Petra thought Levi was perhaps taking things a little too seriously, and come tomorrow he would feel better and look at things more positively. It's not like it had always been like that. He and Eren, along with Jean and Mikasa, had shared a genuine platonic relationship for a long time, and Levi shouldn't belittle that. She let Levi know as such but the man wasn't very coherent anymore. She took him back to his apartment. She had visited a few times, so she knew where he lived and where he kept a spare key. He could pick up his car tomorrow.
On her way back home, she remembered something vital. A piece of information that had bugged her before and just now became a concise thought.
Eren.
She really hoped it wasn't as she thought.
Levi woke up to the ringing of his phone. A dull ache on the back of his head reminded him of the previous night's events and he contemplated sleeping the day away. It was Saturday after all. He was allowed to do that. But the phone continued to ring.
He sighed and reached for it, not bothering to check who was calling. Probably someone from work.
"Levi speaking"
"Are you this formal in the mornings?"
Taking a quick look at the caller id, he reaffirmed it was Petra. "Thank you for yesterday Petra"
Petra took a deep breath on the other end of the line. "Levi, what is Eren's last name?"
"Jaeger" he answered lazily. What could she possibly know about the guy?
Petra stayed silent for a moment. "Levi, I'm so sorry for what I'm about to say, but I think you should know".
Levi was wide awake now. "…Go on".
"Eren went to the same university with us. He was in quite a few of my classes since we both majored in psychology. I had no idea you knew him. Oh my god, Levi, I was always talking to him about you. Wait, was he stalking you? He didn't strike me as that kind of guy. Did he know what school you were going to?"
Levi didn't know if he could take anymore of this shit. "I never mentioned it"
"So it was a coincidence? Well, not too much of a coincidence, this is a pretty small city after all. Most of the kids at our school were local. But oh my god Levi I'm so sorry. I think I was the one who talked to him first. I probably made things worse. I kinda feel really bad for him now. He would always say how much you reminded him of someone he liked before. Oh god, I was the one always talking about you. I don't think he ever asked. I don't think he wanted to know. And you never noticed he was in my classes. Didn't we meet in the hallways a couple of times before class? I'm pretty sure he was around. He probably saw us".
Levi painfully understood what she was trying to say. Eren's words echoed in his head. He could make perfect sense of them now.
"I was doing so well, had completely moved on" A sob, or laugh, Levi couldn't tell- "but then you had to come and show up again. Can't you just let me move on with my life? Why do you keep appearing before me? What the hell did I do to deserve this?" Eren took a couple deep breaths, trying to calm down. "And you know what's funny? All this time, you had not a fucking clue." Eren laughed darkly, or cried, or combination of both. "Why do you do this to me? Tell me Levi, why do you do this to me?!"
Levi ran a hand down his face. Life could be so cruel. He didn't dislike Eren at all. Sure, he was angry at him, the situation could have been handled much better. But he didn't dislike him. He was admittedly the closest he had ever gotten to a person, and knowing that he was the cause of Eren's suffering over many years pained him. And irritated him. And angered him. And left him feeling with groundless guilt that he hated.
"Levi… I think you should put some distance between you two. He probably thought he was over you and talked to you again, but it wasn't a good idea. He's too obsessed. It's not… healthy."
"…"
"Levi…"
"I know, Petra. Thank you". Levi sighed as he hung up.
Fucking shit.