Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

A/N: This chapter is so, SO overdue, it's ridiculous so I thank you for your immense patience. I made this one a long chapter so I hope that makes you feel a little bit better. My apologies to those of you who don't know what's going on in the beginning of this chapter. I slightly tinkered the ending of chapter 3 to fit this in, because everyone knows that in a 'Bella-struggles-to-keep-her-humanity-fic' this has to happen. To the rest who love JPOVs, I'm afraid this one isn't as good and I think this chapter might just be the last of them. Sorry.

Recap:

And yet even as I lived in their house, surrounded by their scent and their possessions, I knew that these days too would end. Life would move on. Jake would return to La Push, return to his pack.

All I had was endless time. Endless time in which to wait.

Wait for my eyes to finally clear.

Wait for the burning thirst to abate.

Wait for some semblance of control, or for something else to happen.

And happen it did.

I guess you could say it all started out from my severe lack of control,though I'd like to think that it started earlier than that – a whole year earlier. Since that fateful day in biology the gears had already been slowly turning. Now the rest of the pieces were falling into place.

The Nightmares Just Keep Getting Worse

Jacob

"Let go of me!" Her barbed words were thick and vicious as she struggled in my weakening grasp. I could feel my fingers slipping against her marble skin as she thrashed and I winced under her immense force. My muscles were screaming, fighting to keep her from escaping my grip as I held her arms pinned to her sides, because if she did… if she managed to gain even the slightest amount of leverage…

I didn't even want to think about it. Please god, let me be strong enough.

But I wasn't. I knew that already the moment she lunged herself in the kid's direction. He was as good as dead.

"I want him!" The rumbling in her chest was already far beyond her warning growls as she wrestled to free herself from my weakening grip.

Bella was gone and in her place was a ravenous monster that was hell bent on eating the boy who continued standing at the front porch, parcel in hand, looking scared, confused and utterly clueless.

It didn't even matter that she had seen the Samson kid before. He often delivered mail for his dad who worked in the town's small post office and was certainly one of the more familiar faces in Forks. But if Bella recognised him she didn't care. He might as well have walked up to the house with a fat, red apple in his mouth and a grave stone with his name on it because as far as she was concerned, he smelt way too good.

"Go!" I yelled at him as I stumbled through the thinning vegetation, still locked onto Bella. We had just returned from a hunt when she had smelt him and I was already losing against the obdurate will and unyielding strength of a freshly fed vampire.

The kid however, remained frozen in place as he watched me struggle with Bella, unsure of what to do or how to save himself.

"Get out of here!"

I could hear the panic in my own voice as the constant nightmares since Bella's transformation flashed before my eyes.

Bella killing Charlie.

Bella killing Billy.

Bella simply… killing.

Please, please let me dreaming.

I felt a rush in my ears and a tremor in my spine as I struggled to keep from exploding with my arms full of Bella. I was afraid of hurting her – a reflexive response – and even more afraid of what would happen if I lost my grip on her. But I was losing the small purchase I had against on her icy, marble skin as she fought against me and I knew I had little choice.

The tight feeling of busting out of one's clothes nagged at my mind for an instant as I felt my pants shred and fall away. I jumped forward into Bella, managing to knock her over with the force of my suddenly added weight as I landed on all fours.

My transformation was enough to stun her, throwing her off her feet and onto her back. But of course she didn't stay down for long. She rolled on her back with inhuman grace and was on her feet in less than a second. Her recovery was just enough to distract her from the kid, putting her on high defence as she turned to face me.

Jake?

Paul's mental voice echoed through the connection, the La Push border flashed quickly before me. I shoved his thoughts away, putting all my focus onto the hungry vampire.

It was sickly ironic that it has been my transformation that had given the kid the motivation to move his ass off the front porch. I could hear him, crashing through the overgrown driveway with the grace of a charging elephant, panting as he sprinted away from death.

No doubt Bella could hear him too. Fleeing prey. I could see the temptation he presented to her as she hesitated, weighing the pros of defending herself against the thrill of the chase and the gory satisfaction that would follow it. However, even as a vampire her face was an open book and I could see the decision in her eyes even before she turned from me.

I lunged.

And pain exploded in my shoulder as she swung back around to face me at the last instant, getting a hold of me in her iron grip. Panicking, I struggled against her until my legs found resistance against her body and then kicked, hard.

She flew backwards, but not very far, destroying a tree as she fell against it.

Ignoring my throbbing shoulder, I leaped directly onto her, pinning her down, pushing her stone body into the damp earth with everything I had.

I sensed her defeat as she let out a feral cry, twisting under my weight without the leverage to push me off. The bright red lustre of her irises were gone, replaced by a pair that were black as pitch, filled with a desperate hunger so great that I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Because watching her struggle was painful. Never before had I ever witnessed such unadulterated need.

Don't let go. Sam's thoughts echoed through the link and I rolled my eyes. Right. Like I would let her go after what just happened…

Before I knew it I was seeing images of the pack running toward the house. My thoughts turned frantic.

No! I have her under control. Don't come here. Sam, please...

Because I couldn't protect her anymore if the pack showed up. I couldn't change their minds if they thought she was a risk, because she was a risk. A ticking bomb waiting to blow.

I winced as Bella's movements jarred my broken shoulder.

Embry's thoughts were worried. You alright?

Yeah. I'm fine, I thought back. Just stay away. Please, Sam. We'll be fine. I promise.

You're NOT fine. We're coming, Sam argued as trees continued whizzing past the pack's collective mind.

Beneath me, I felt Bella's movements slowly subside. She finally became quiet, pinned to the earth, completely still. I almost welcomed the return of brilliant crimson as I watched the colour bleed back into those hungry, dark pools. She stared up at me, blinking as I held my breath. A few miles away the rest of my pack held their breath too.

"Oh my god. Jake…" She grimaced beneath me, shaking her head as if to clear it. "I'm so, so sorry."

Her face was contorted in agony as one apology after another spilled from her lips, her wind-chime voice so different from the feral growling. I allowed relief to flood my chest.

Please stay away, she's fine now. I knew I was begging but, I was out of options.

This is ridiculous Jake! She almost had you. Disapproval saturated Sam's inner voice, but I was relieved that he hadn't used the alpha command.

It was my fault, I insisted. I didn't sense the kid at the house until the very last minute. I'm just as much to blame as she. If you kill her, you'll have to kill me first.

Jake, listen-

But I cut him off. She's like this BECAUSE of us, Sam. It's our fault that it happened. So don't tell me that-

-If you'd stop being a boneheaded idiot you'd know that I I wasn't going to have her killed, he snapped back.

Huh? Now I was confused, and slightly lightheaded as the adrenalin and internal panic slowly subsided.

Beneath me, Bella finally stopped apologising, the look of worry still etched onto her face.

"You okay?"

I nodded at her, hoping that she wouldn't notice my injured shoulder. The guilt would crush her if she realized what she did and hopefully my crazy werewolf healing would have that fixed before she caught on. However her heart rendering expression of agony and self-loathing did not fade and her voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear it.

"They were right you know. Maybe I should have been killed in the meadow."

I heard myself growl at her words, the sound vibrating deep in my chest. I fixed my gaze on her to make certain that she knew perfectly well what I meant. But her words continued, unabated.

"I almost got him Jake. He was so close. So close and smelling so good." I felt her shudder beneath me at the memory. "And I didn't care, Jake. I wanted him. I wanted him enough to kill him and some part of me always will. I thought I could control it. They made it look so easy."

Her voice quivered at her own implications, all traces of self confidence that we had fostered over the past few days was completely gone. She was right. They had made it look easy, but none of them were as young as she was so surely that had to count for something?

I'd be more than happy to oblige her. Paul's thoughts burned with contempt. The less explicit agreements in the minds of the rest were not surprising considering what almost happened, but somehow I felt like I was being betrayed. I listened closely for Sam's thoughts, the only ones that mattered, but instead found him thinking about the Clearwaters.

"They're coming, aren't they?" she asked and I nodded. There was no need to reiterate who she meant. If the pack thought I was in danger she knew that they would come. That was how things worked.

I moved off Bella, because seeing her in guilty agony without me holding her down seemed somehow less incriminating. As expected she didn't move from the spot, simply sitting up and hugging her knees as she rocked herself back and forth in the dirt of the wounded earth. I dashed into the house, phasing mid-run into human form and grabbing an abandoned pair of shorts Bella had found days before. I was back at her side when they finally reached the house, ready to defend her no matter what happened.

***

Bella

"Sam, Paul and Embry are on their way," Jake said when he came back. His face was grim, his jaw clenched, Emmet's board shorts hanging loosely off his hips. "It'll be ok, I promise."

But his words held little effect on calming me and my teeth nearly pierced my lower lip as I listened to the muted sound of their approach from where I sat. Their stealth and speed was unnerving, almost vampire-like, and I felt my muscles coil as they emerged from the vegetation. The Embry-wolf and the boy who could only be Paul stood at Sam Uley's flanks, the three of them stopping at a careful distance.

"Hey, Jake," Sam nodded a greeting; his face was a perfect expressionless mask as he eyed us cautiously. "Bella."

His eyes were filled with questions at he regarded me. I realized that none of them had ever seen a vampire that they had known as a human and wondered at how strange it must feel for them. As Jared watched me I could feel the tension that warred within him and the guilt of his pack that my transformation represented. None the less, I had to commend him for not even flinching as he met my scarlet gaze.

"What, no cookies?" Jake said easily, no doubt trying to break the tension, though the smile did not reach his eyes.

The other boy – Paul – threw him a withering look, his face as dark as a rain cloud, his hands shaking by his sides. Sam shot Paul a warning glare.

"We're just here to talk," he promised, returning his glance to Jake who had shifted his weight and had positioned himself between Paul and myself, ready to sacrifice his last pair of shorts if need be.

Jake eyed them dubiously. "Then talk."

"Despite what just happed, we're not here to harm her, Jake," Sam said evenly. "If you had phased in the last few days you would have already known that we decided to extend to Bella the same offer that we had with the doctor and his family, and as such, Bella hasn't yet broken the treaty."

Jake nodded and he continued.

"We assume she has taken to their chosen lifestyle, therefore as long as she refrains from biting a human and stays clear of the reservation, we see no reason why we cannot coexist as we have before."

Part of me wondered how he knew I hadn't been feeding off the good people of Forks as I listened to Jake confirm my chosen lifestyle. Then I realized that the herds of deer and elk carcases would not have gone unnoticed by the pack despite my best attempts to bury the evidence. I still had trouble with my thirst and had been forced to hunt as often as twice a day.

"We think it might be better that she left the area for a while, so as not to…repeat today's events. Just until Bella masters more control."

Suddenly I felt cold, and very, very alone. Where would I go? I raised my eyes to Jacob to see what he thought only to see him shake his head.

"No, we can't do that. I need to stay with her, to help her when she caves – like today. If she's on her own-," he paused, unwilling to finish. "It'll just be worse."

Of course it would be worse. Much, much worse…

Sam nodded. "Then you too are responsible for what happens," he said, letting out a sigh. "If Bella's staying then its best if you were also aware that the red-head one has been trying to pass through here."

It took a moment for me to understand the implications of Sam's words, tearing me from my thoughts as everything finally clicked into place.

"Victoria." The name fell from my lips in a gasp as I felt my chest tighten in shock.

In an instant I had moved into a defensive crouch as fear and panic had worked its way into my chest, screaming at me to fight or flee. Paul and Embry had flinched at my sudden movement, but I spared them no thought. Laurent had failed and now Victoria was looking for me to finish off her job.

"Is she a friend of yours?" Sam looked incredulous, but I quickly shook my head.

"No. No of course not. She… We are certainly not friends." I felt my stomach sink as Laurent's words repeated themselves in my head.

I swear you'll be thanking me for this.

"Do you know what she wants?" Jake demanded as I tried to will the terror from my voice with mixed success.

"Um…Yes. She wants me dead."

Looks of surprise plastered themselves over the faces of the werewolves.

"But you are dead," Paul pointed out nastily, seeming to having finally found his voice.

"Shut up, Paul!" Jake snapped before rounding on me. "Why? What did you ever do to her?"

"Nothing," I clarified. "Edward" – I winced, my chest tight with pain – "killed her mate. James. To protect me. It's something that their kind – our kind – doesn't forgive."

"You mean the other one isn't her mate?"

"Laurent? The one you killed?" The one that killed me. "No. They're just old friends."

"No, I mean the younger looking one."

I felt myself freeze as panic seared through me. How just how many vampires were after me?

Jake looked just as stunned as I was. "There's another one?" he demanded.

"Yup." Paul nodded. "As you can see, we've been having quite the party without you, Jake. Between two slippery bloodsuckers and the Clearwaters, I think I'd rather stick around here and raise our pet vampire!"

In an instant Jake had stepped forward and Sam had stepped between the two shaking boys.

"Stop this NOW," Sam growled, glaring daggers at Jake who backed off and Paul who was sulking. Even Embry had moved in case Sam needed help separating them.

"What about the Clearwaters?" I asked, hoping to divert attention away from Paul's snarky comments. There was a pause as everyone turned to Sam, but the look on Sam's face suddenly saddened, making him look so much older than his twenty years.

"You weren't phasing, Jake, so you couldn't have known. Truth is, we would've had to visit you even without Bella's slip." He paused again, one hand coming up to rub his haggard face in an awkward gesture before meeting eyes with Jake. "Harry Clearwater passed away this morning, Jake. Heart attack."

I saw Jakes eyes widen, his expression moving from shock to grief as the words stuck us like blows to the head.

"Seth and Leah have the gene, Jake," Sam continued. "Both Seth and Leah, Jake. Never before has there ever been a female werewolf." He rubbed his forehead in exasperation.

"Anyway, Harry comes home one night and they pretty much explode into wolves in front of him – you know how it is – and before they know it he's in shock and lying on the floor. There are some things a man can't take."

I listened as Jake cursed softly, offering his condolences. The news caught me off guard and for a moment it was strange to think that somewhere, life – and death – for everyone else was carrying on.

Poor Sue. Poor Leah and Seth. Charlie and Billy would be devastated.

More than anything I found myself wishing that I could help out. The desire to do something to provide comfort to those who felt the loss the most. But that job was not for me. Not now anyway, I thought, silently hoping that Laurent's soul had found its way to the fieriest depths of hell.

"How's Charlie?" I blurted out the question. I had to know.

I waited as Sam eyed me for half a second, seeming to consider his response. I could only imagine what he saw. A red-eyed newborn, upset over the death of a human when not even an hour ago I had been after some kid's blood.

But then the fire was gone from his gaze and his shoulders slumped, breaking the tension, his eyes casted downwards.

"It's hard for him, losing his daughter and best friend in the same week. He still believes you're somewhere out there alive, you know. The police are still searching."

I immediately imagined my father leading searches into the woods, trying to track down the bears or wolves that everybody thought were responsible for the missing people. Venom pooled in my eyes but did not fall.

"Wait… if he's in the woods… Oh Sam! You must stop him! You can't let him go out there with her around!"

"I've spoken to the police about that," he assured me. "But you know how stubborn Charlie can get. The best we can do right now is to stick close to them and make sure she gets nowhere near the search parties."

Of course I knew Charlie was stubborn, it was a trait I had inherited.

"But that's not enough!" I argued, knowing that I was being slightly ungrateful. "If only I-"

"-If only you could help and guard him yourself instead of trying to eat the pageboy!" Paul was shaking so hard that without my enhanced sight I'm sure he would have just been a blur. "He's safer around her than he'll ever be around you!"

"That's enough!" Jake stepped in front of me again, shielding me from his view. His expression was dark, making him look more dangerous than I had ever considered him. Even Embry was growling.

"You all know it's true," he countered. "What is it, Bella? Twenty-eight deer in the last seven days? Twenty-nine? How many times have you had to feed? It's not enough is it? It'll never be enough!"

"You have no idea how hard this is for her! " Jake yelled, ignoring Sam's warning glare. I don't think I had ever seen Jake this mad.

"Oh right! She's got you wrapped around her murdering marble fingers! Of course you'd protect her!"

And then Paul exploded into a mess of silver fur while Embry lunged at him, preventing him from reaching us.

"No Jake, don't," I pleaded. I didn't want to be a cause of a fight. Thankfully it seemed that Paul had no desire to fight Embry and we watched as he shot off into the forest.

"Calm down, Jake. You know how Paul is," Sam reasoned. In front of me Jake was trembling.

"Yeah. Calm," he muttered, looking anything but calm. He took a deep breath, probably willing himself to keep it together.

"Anyway, as of yesterday, Charlie's won't be in the forest for a while, that should buy us some time," Sam continued. "He's been helping Sue of course. Both your dads are. The funeral is tomorrow. Billy really wants to see you, Jake. He misses you. "

Jake nodded solemnly. "Sure, sure. I'll be there."

"Good. Then this meeting is over. I'll tell Billy that you'll be there tomorrow."

***

The rest of the day was solemn affair. After what Paul said in the afternoon I no longer was in any kind of mood to go hunting and even Jake was quiet. The stress of the past few days showed clearly on his face - a now permanent feature - causing me to feel even guiltier about my huge slip up.

I had also found out that I had broken his shoulder when I noticed him wincing as he moved it and had been absolutely mortified. I really was a monster.

"I'm fine Bella, the shoulder doesn't hurt anymore," he insisted when I apologised for the hundredth time as we sat in the living room. "Werewolf healing, remember? S'long as you don't bite me, no harm done."

"It still had to hurt," I insisted. "Too bad I was too focused on trying to kill the pageboy to notice that I had broken my friend's shoulder."

I growled in self loathing as Jake shook his head. There was a span of silence as he considered his next words.

"About what Paul said... You know he was just being a jerk."

"I know he was right."

"No, he wasn't."

I paused, at a loss of how to make him see my point, but I had a feeling that this was an argument that could last until the end of time. He shifted himself until he was lying on the larger couch, staring at the ceiling and I mimicked his movements on the smaller one. My words were barely a whisper.

"Thirty-seven."

"Huh?"

"Thirty-seven deer, Jake. They probably haven't found the ones in Aberdeen." I let out a sigh. "It's not getting any better. Feeding a million times a day isn't helping."

"It will eventually, right? I mean, it kinda has to." His voice was soft, he sounded tired.

"But that would take ages. More than a year."

"Then we'll wait however long it takes."

I smiled as he let out another of his huge yawns.

"Hey Jake?"

"Hmm?"

"You saved me from doing something unforgiveable today, so thanks."

"S'okay Bells," he murmured. His eyes were closed as he shifted to his side. "This one's on me."

And in less than ten seconds he was snoring soundly.