I get a letter days later. Bates calls me over.
"Thank you." I say hollow as a burned tree. I feel back to my normal self, a constant low spell. Bates pauses as he hands it over.
"I don't want to get involved." Bates says.
"So don't." I snip. He lowers his brow.
"Please ,Thomas, spare me one moment." I clench my jaw. "Just be careful. That's all I will say. You don't want to loose everything."
"You think I do?" I snap. I take a moment. He is trying to be kind. "Why do you care?" I say without looking at him.
"Because you need someone that does." I fiddle with the envelope in my sweating palm. "Prison is not a kind place, Thomas." He leaves. I stand alone at the end of the hall. I feel like I am holding something untouchable. Like it might burn me. I stuff the thing away. I manage the day as best I can.
When nightfall comes I open the letter. Happiness and terror fill my chest. His words are so sweet. All I want to do is see him. But I feel I've lost me way, and I'm worried that path is going to be hard to get back on. My boots are in the mud and I don't know if I should pull myself out, or let myself sink.
For I feel I couldn't move from my bed if I tried. I hold onto Evan's letter, the horseshoe he gave me, and fall asleep.
I haven't a clue what to do. I feel like hounds will rip him to shreds if I write to him. I couldn't let anything harm him. But I am bringing that to him. I am harm. Every bit of me wants to fight O'Brien. But I worry the more I do, the more danger I bring Evan. This is making me go mad. The injustice. The power she has over me. The whole lot of it.
I walk down the hall, towards the damn silver closet again. Anna reaches a hand out as I pass.
"Thomas, I was wondering if you could-"
"Find someone else." I bark without looking at her. I turn to go into the closet, and when I glance a glare at Anna her faces reads disappointment. Doesn't she know. Happiness and I aren't friends for long.
I don't know what will happen but I compose a letter. Leaving it below my pillow. I finish the day and wait to send it till tomorrow. In the letter I tell him of my day off. When I return to send it off, I could swear it's been moved. But it could just be me seeing my paranoia.
"What you gonna do with your day?" Jimmy asks as he irons the newspaper. I fiddle with my pocket watch. Holding it tight.
"Trip into the village. I know how to keep busy." Jimmy sneers and glances towards Carson's room.
"So does he. Told me I had to re-iron this." He narrows his eyes at the paper.
"Try going the other way." He nods to me as I leave.
I don't see O'Brien. I haven't at all today in fact. I try not to let that get to me but it crawls in my skull like a worm.
When in the village I walk to his place. It is small and off a side street. I see him in the window before I knock. Nervous. But the smile on his face brings me away from the fear for a moment. It pulls me inside and into his arms. Where I stay for nearly a minute. I don't want to bring my face from his shoulder. I don't want to leave him. The scent of his coat. The warmth of his embrace. The quiet he gives me as I latch onto him like moss to a rock.
"Are you all right?" He asks when I finally break away. The worry in his eyes makes my heart sink.
"No."
"Thomas please." He pulls me into a seat beside him. "Did someone say something to you?" I hold his hand, squeezing it without realizing I am.
"This isn't safe. What we're doing." I manage to say. "I-" My tongue stops. I don't know what I want to say. I feel like I'm moving stones with a broom to get the words out. "It's too dangerous." He licks his lip.
"Thomas. I know-"
"You don't know." I snap. "People are cruel, Evan. Someone knows. Someone, who shouldn't." I hear Evan's breathing pause before he sighs, running a hand over his face. I see he has blue speckles on his fingers. He has been painting. I find that so lovely, so sweet that I take a long shuttering breath.
"Will they tell?" He says. Meeting my gaze heavily. I feel tears growing behind my eyes and one escapes.
"I don't know." Evan moves to sit beside me, I want to fall into his arms as much as I do throw them away as he wraps one around me. I notice a wet unfinished painting of a man sitting on an easel. Evan notices my eye. "Were you painting?" I ask, trying to keep my tone strong. I want to think of something else, even just for a second. Not of what I am doing. What I am ending.
"Yes." He says after silence. "That's you." At the realization that the painting resembles my face, I realize what talent he has. I realize what a man he is. How good of a man he is. How kind, how sweet to have done that. I realize all the kind things he has done, words that made me feel like I deserve to be happy. Deserve someone like him. When I don't. I realize how much I care.
I realize I love him.
I have been crying more than I thought, as my cheeks are damp when I wipe them. I feel Evan's hand upon my face.
"Thomas please, don't cry. This doesn't have to end." That's when I see his dark eyes begin to sparkle. God help me if he cries. "Please." The plead and worry in his tone makes my heart shatter, throwing my anger, my sadness and my love out of my mouth in rushed words.
"Yes it does, Evan. Who were we to think it was possible? It has," I take a shaking breath "to end. It isn't worth it." Evan opens his mouth to speak, I feel his hand squeeze mine but I jerk it away, leaping to my feet. "I'm not worth it, Evan! I'm not one bit!" Evan rises and shakes his head.
"Don't say that."
"It's true. I'm not a good person Evan! Everyone knows it. I am trouble." I wipe my nose. "You don't know me." I step back as he reaches to touch me.
"Thomas. I think I-" There is anger in his tone, matching mine as I shake my head. But the sadness in his face makes me gasp for air like there's none of it in the room.
"No." I struggle to breath. My own words staking my heart as much as they do his. "Goodbye Evan." I spin about, knocking over several cans of paint. It was an accident, but I don't look back, hoping it will make things easier if he thinks it wasn't. I hear him calling my name, shouting it. He yanks on my coat but I keep walking. Out the door and into the street. I can't look back. Not that I'd see a thing. Tears blind my sight. As does my sorrow. I could walk into a fire and not know it. I feel like doing so. Like never coming back to whatever this world is.
I hear a someone call to me. I ignore it. Then again, closer. Suddenly there is a cold hand on shoulder, I spin about.
"Come here you sick bastard!" A man pulls violently on my collar. I try to fight him, but I am dragged behind a building. I hardly realize what is going on before he slams me against a wall. That's when I recognize him. The man whom yelled at Evan, the man who owns the Hogs Head.
I move to fight back when he kicks me in the gut. He shouts insults. Calling me inhuman. Foul. Wretched. His fist slams against my jaw, my nose, making my wheezing all the worse. If I try I could easily overpower him, but the will in me is not there. A kick in the groin makes me collapse.
"You should be hanged." He spits on me. I am panting, looking up at him through a mess of hair.
"I'll try it sometime." He glares, looking like he'll kick again when I see someone appear down the alley. Oh God.
"Hey!" Evan screams. Though his back is to Evan, as soon as the man hears the shout he doesn't look back. Bolting out the other side. Evan runs to me.
"Thomas!" He kneels before me, overlooking my injuries. Brow knitted tight and worry flooding his face. "Are you all right?" Perhaps it is from being beat over the head, but the whole situation is amusing. I start to smile and Evan appears confused. I wipe blood from my lips before speaking, meeting his eyes.
"Told you I was trouble." He flashes a smile before pulling out a handkerchief and pressing it to my nose.
"Let's get you home."
I take a moment to breathe before using Evan as a crutch. It takes a while but we get back to Downton. I don't know if it a good or bad thing, but we are spotted by Robert. Isis leaps towards us happily, drawing Robert's attention.
"Good God!" He shouts, dropping his cane. "Thomas, what has happened?!" He reaches us and I wave him away, trying to stand up tall. But I've been feeling more weak by the second.
"Please, my Lord. Don't worry yourself."
"Too late I'm already there." He looks me over and nods to Evan. "Thank you for helping him, Mr. Luke is it?" Evan nods. "Carson!" He shouts over his shoulder. The butler appears at the door, giving the scene a second look. "Ask Mrs. Hughes to prepare water and towels." He nods and vanishes. When Robert looks back, I know he is going to ask what happened. I am tempted to say. Say it all. When Evan speaks, adjusting his grip on me.
"Thomas was at the restaurant I work at, when a man who'd been drinking since we opened attacked him. Thomas had only-"
"I made a comment I shouldn't have about his drinking. And perhaps about the look of him." I say to thicken the truth in the story. Robert raises his brow.
"Sounds like our Thomas." He teases, "But that is no reason to attack like a rapid dog. I am so sorry Thomas, I'll be sure to find the one responsible. But please, let's get you inside. Mr. Luke please, come in. You've only saved our Under Butler." He smiles and we go in.
It seems to cause quite a stir, on our way downstairs Edith spots me, she looks upset. But then again she always seems to look like that. Several other servants appear and now I feel worse having everyone look at me like I'm a flower show than I do from my wounds. This is the longest bloody walk through this big house. Robert invites Evan into his library while I get taken care of. I think I'd find that stranger than it is if I wasn't so dizzy.
It's Bates who is helping me to my room, and there waits Jimmy and even Alfred, by my room. Holding the door open for Mrs. Hughes who has as pile of bandages. Her care worn face looking upon me. If I didn't know better, I'd think they are care.
I think they just might.
I tell them all I'm just fine and clean off my own face as best I can, holding a cloth to my bleeding lip and nose. My lungs feel like they can relax now as I lay down. They all bustle out except for Bates.
"How are you feeling?" He asks as I settle in the bed, leaning my head against the wall.
"Been worse." I say, he smirks. I wipe dried blood from my face with a damp towel. He stares at me. I know he wants to know.
"You can ask." I smudge my face, leaving red on the cloth.
"Is that him?" I look away.
"You gonna tell on him. On us." The cloth lands with a thud in an empty bowl.
"Of course not." I meet his gaze.
"Someone did." Bates shifts his weight.
"I think we both know who." We are quiet for a moment. "Look, Thomas. I know you and I haven't always been best of friends. But you should know your kind of men are no issue to me." I pick at my sheets. "It takes courage to go with your heart when the law says it isn't right."
"And look where its landed me. Bloodied and beaten, not for the first time either."
"It takes struggles to make something good, Thomas. I'd know."
"That's different."
"Not very." He looks to the door. "I'll leave you be. But know a few of us downstairs knew about you and Evan before this happened. Fear not- Carson, Alfred, are not one of them. But those that do," he locks my gaze. "We're on your side." He pats my bed frame and I nod to him. And a thank you slips out. Having people care. Support. It is a stranger to me. But I hope to become an ally with it. With them. But maybe that's just me injuries talking.
It must have been a few hours I drifted in and out of a queer sleeping state for when I wake up my blood is dry and the sun is down. I am able to gather all my thoughts. The man had to have known about Evan and I, that is why he attacked me. I was worried something like that was going to happen. That's why I said what I did to Evan. What I said... I clench my jaw, remembering the look on his face.
And yet still he comes to my aid. He covers for my trouble. Just like I did him, all those weeks ago. I suddenly don't care who knows. I don't have the energy to, all I want to do is speak to him.
There is a knock at the door. I say come in than regret it. O'Brien. Eyes downward before meeting mine.
"Before you throw something at me please listen." I clench my sheets. "Please I'll be quick. I didn't mean for this to happen." I raise my brow.
"You expect me to believe it." My eyes narrow at her.
"I don't. But you should. I only meant for him to—to... loose his job. Not for you to-"
"Because getting a soldier fired is much better than having one beat to bits," my words silence her. "All because of who their heart chooses." I mutter, not looking at her.
"I know. It sounds real awful. And it is." I don't like it, but I know her and I sense she is being genuine. O'Brien, always having to do the worst in order to come about.
"Real awful is a kind way to put it. You're right lucky I wasn't killed." The seriousness of my comment hits us both. She locks my gaze, knowing it to be true. "He's going to be next you know." I give her a glare that says more than any foul word. She tilts her head as she speaks.
"No. You're not the only one I have blackmail for, Thomas. I don't go into a deal without having knives under the table. You know that." I almost smirk, knowing it is the truth. "I am going to have a chat with him this evening. I'll slip out as soon as I leave you. I promise you he will be safe."
"That's a big promise to make Mrs. O'Brien."
"It's the least I owe you." Perhaps because this is the second time I've gotten ruined by her meddling with me and a fella that she feels such guilt, responsibility.
She moves for the door, pausing, hand on the knob. "If Evan doesn't have work now, he and Robert are thick as thieves in there. I doubt he will have a trouble with finding something once he leaves tonight... and I will say what I need to make things right." She leaves.
It's been a bit since she left. I wonder if Evan is still here. I adjust my bandages and move to get out of bed when Carson's voice is at the door. I sigh. He's the last bloody man I want to see.
"Yes." I say.
"You have a visitor. May we come in." I answer and the door opens. He steps aside, there is Evan. "I will leave you be and show you out when you down when you are finished." He nods and walks away. I expect a glare but receive none. Perhaps even with O'Brien's tattling, Bates is right.
The door is open as he nears me but I gesture for him to close it. He does so and gingerly approaches.
"You look better." I smirk.
"You're just being friendly." He smiles, taking a seat on a stool beside my bed.
"I should have known he would figure me out." Evan says.
"Don't give that dafty all the credit. He had some help." I say with a sigh. I tell him about O'Brien. What she did. What she is going to do. That he should be safe. I tell him that he's going to be all right. Evan is quiet and scoots closer, resting a hand on my knee as I face him. The wood cool beneath my feet.
"Are you going to be all right?" He asks. I nod.
"Course. I'm a tough one to beat." I try and smile.
"That you are."
"Evan I-" I trip on my words. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. I was only worried," I take a breath, "I only knew something like this was coming. And I was so terrified it was going to happen to you. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let me bring harm to you." Our eyes meet and he rises to sit on the bed beside me.
"I'd rather it been me than you." I shake my head.
"Never. I'm not worth that." That makes Evan go quiet before fixing me with a stern stare.
"You need to stop saying that, Thomas." I stare at the floor before meeting his brown gaze. "What you said earlier about everyone knowing who you are... if they truly think that, which I don't think they do, they're wrong." I fiddle with a cloth in my hand.
"Look I-" I begin quietly but he cuts me off.
"They're wrong, Thomas. Anyone who thinks ill of you doesn't know you. Doesn't know you like I know you." He pauses taking a steady breath. Gently cupping my face and I meet his eyes. "Doesn't love you, like I love you." I have become my heart. My heartbeat. For it is all I feel as I hear his words. "And you are worth more than the entire world. Worth any battle if I get to keep you." I press my hand upon his own on my cheek.
"You have shown me what love is, Evan." I rest my head on his temple. "I've never said the words as truly a I mean them now when I say I love you." He answers with a kiss. A kiss so fine that I hope it doesn't end. For with him, with us, I feel I could do anything. "For the first time in my life, I know what it is to be truly happy. And that is the greatest gift you could ever give." He kisses me again, once on the forehead, another on my hand, and a last on my lips.
"And you bumping into me that one morning, was the best gift I could ever get." I smile. I never would have thought that my instincts and Patmore were right. That he was like me. That he would fancy me, as deeply as I do him. Life is a funny thing.
"Now what do we do?" I say with a smirk, but it is the truth.
"Let's start with going downstairs." I chuckle and we both stand up, my head spins a bit. Evan rests a hand on my back.
"Robert invited me to stay for dinner, downstairs I assume." I raise my brow.
"He sure likes ya." Evan bites his lip.
"There's something he said... just now before I came up, that makes me think it won't be the last dinner I have in this house." I fix him with a stare as I put my coat and vest back on.
"How do you mean?" He says he told Robert enough to see he is without work now, that Robert thinks a former Townsend footman should be treated right.
"He offered me a job." I pause the buttoning of my coat. My heart jumps.
"Here..." He nods. I can't believe my ears. He smiles. "That would mean..."
"Everything."
There is a knock at the door. It is Carson again. We step away from each other and I clasp my hands behind my back. He enters. Asking if Mr. Luke would like to be shown back to Robert's library. He thanks the butler and moves to follow him out. But turns to me first. He tips his hat.
"Glad to see you're all right Mr. Barrow." I smile and nod.
"Thank you for the help, Mr. Luke." They leave.
I take a moment to breathe. To close my eyes. I think for the first time in your life, Thomas, you have luck on your side. I have a good life ahead of me.
I dust off my coat, wipe the rest of the dried blood off my face. There are bruises to heal still, yes, but what's a bruise on the face or the heart when you have happiness. Have friends. Have family.
When you have love.
I open the door, head downstairs towards the bustle of dinner, and I smile.
Author's note: Thank you to all who read this story! I am thinking about a sequel, but need to know what you all thought of this one first. So please review! I hope you all enjoyed the read. I just so desperately wanted Thomas to have a good and loving relationship with someone. Hopefully we'll see something like this in series 4, he deserves it! Thank you again!
NEW: Find the sequel on my author's page! The Fella II: Wounded.