AN: I won't lie, I nearly started to cry when I wrote this. We're really moving along now. Another long one, hope you enjoy it.
Joel's heart sank and he could the feel the contents of his lunch climbing into his throat from his stomach. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It was only an hour ago that Ellie was singing and playing the guitar for him. And now, everything they'd built between them since arriving in Jackson was under siege. The entire situation felt dire and hopeless and left his mind free-falling down a bottomless pit as everything he held dear was now being threatened.
He wasn't, however, thinking about himself. He was thinking about Ellie, about her well being, not his and the unknown of how she would react was tearing him apart.
Maria and Tommy stared at him in silence, waiting for him to muster a response. They could hear the grinding of his teeth and the cracking of his knuckles as he angrily withdrew into his own head.
Shit. Shit. Shit. There ain't a damn thing you can do... FUCK! God dammit... well - it could be worse. That asshole could'a kicked her out as well. At least she gets to stay - means she'll be safe. No - what the hell are you sayin' Joel? You're gonna hurt her even more by leavin' her here without ya - an' you can't live without her - you fuckin' know that... wait - no. Protectin' her has always been the most damn important thing of all an' she'll be safe here. She'll be much safer here than out on the road with my sorry ass. I just... fuck. I don't even know where to begin with this... there has to be some way - this can't be fuckin' happenin' - I still don't believe this shit!
Tommy cleared his throat and finally broke the strenuous silence among the three of them.
"Joel - say somethin' - anything dammit. You're killin' us here."
Joel's intense and morose stare shifted from the floor to his brother and sister-in-law, causing their eyes to widen in angst.
"What the hell you want me to say Tommy!?" he snapped.
Tommy and Maria flinched in reaction to the sudden and loud retort.
"I - I know... look - he agreed to give ya the night - you'll leave tomorrow an' he's gonna give ya all the supplies you'll need before sendin' - " Tommy started to choke up. "Sendin' you on your way... god dammit I can't believe - I... I gotta say goodbye to my damn brother again. We're sorry Joel - we fuckin' tried," he finished, bringing both hands to his forehead as he rose to his feet.
He walked over to the window and sniffled then wiped his eyes.
"Fuck!" he growled through an exasperated whisper, slamming a fist into the wall.
"Oh - well shit. Supplies - that fixes everything! No - I don't give a shit about supplies - or myself for that matter. How the hell do you think Ellie's gonna take this!? What the fuck do I say to her huh!? I don't even... fuckin' - I'm at a loss god dammit!" Joel hissed through a whisper, not wanting Ellie to be privy of the conversation just yet.
He stood up from the couch then anxiously paced back and forth in the living room, causing Maria to get up and gently place a hand on his shoulder. Her touch drew his attention.
"Maria - there's gotta be... I mean - there has to be somethin' we can do, right? There has to be - this ain't happenin' - this can't be fuckin' real," he pleaded, worry and fear shooting from his eyes.
"We... we tried. We really did - I can't believe it's happening either but... it - it is. He's made up his mind - that's it - nothing more to it. I'm - I'm so sorry. There's nothing more we can do," she replied, stumbling through her words.
He stopped pacing and took a step towards her.
"What if it was you huh? You're his daughter - what if you were nearly raped then a few days later beaten within inches of your life? What the fuck would he have done then? Just let it go? Christ - I don't believe that for a second. This shit is ridiculous - lemme talk with him," he continued.
"But it didn't happen to me! So to him it doesn't even matter!" she responded angrily.
"Shh - keep your voice down dammit!" he implored through another loud whisper. "An' it does matter. It sure as hell matters - have Carl put himself in my position - see what he'd do."
Tommy turned his gaze from the window and spoke over his shoulder.
"Joel - can't say I didn't warn - "
"Tommy! Don't even fuckin' say it! We're past that an' you're only gonna get your ass beat if you keep that up!" Joel barked back at is brother.
"Yeah, yeah... goddammit," Tommy muttered, rubbing his brow.
Maria took a step back and sighed.
"Look... Joel - it doesn't matter to him. Carl has never, ever lived in the world of hypotheticals - he just doesn't. It didn't happen to me - so to him... it's a moot point. It's stupid I know - but I'm just... I'm just telling you what's going through that head of his."
Joel paused and took a deep breath as he furrowed his brow and scratched his beard, digging his fingernails deep into his skin until it hurt.
She's right - there ain't a damn thing you can do. For once, your sorry ass is really trapped. Can't get outta this one.
"Fuck - I... shit - I don't even know what I'm gonna say to Ellie. The hell am I supposed to do here?" he said, gritting his teeth once more in frustration.
"Joel... I - I know. We're so, so sorry. I... fuck!" Maria shouted as she turned away from him, losing her composure and feeling her eyes beginning to water.
Tommy lifted himself from his leaning posture against the wall and spoke.
"Tell her the truth - ya have to."
Joel sat back down and held his head with both hands as he began to truly rationalize the predicament they were in.
"I know," he softly said after letting out a sigh.
You can't even lie your way outta this one you sack of shit. You gotta tell her the truth - even if you could lie, don't fuckin' do it. You're lucky she's still with ya after pullin' that shit last time.
"Let her make up her own mind 'bout what she wants to do. Nothin' is sayin' she has to uhh... ya know - stay here," Tommy cautiously continued, unsure of what reaction he would get out of his brother.
Maria snapped her head around and barked back at her husband. "Tommy!"
"It's the damn truth."
He's right. She will make her own decision - an' that's exactly what I'm afraid of.
"Yeah... that's what I'm worried about. She's gonna fight tooth an' nail to come with me - but I reckon she can't. It's too dangerous... I can't - " he paused and felt his eyes beginning to water when he finally realized that him and Ellie, his little girl, his purpose and the most important thing in his life, might actually have to part ways.
Forever.
"Her an' I've come this far - she's happy here - has a real life. If I drag her outta here... I'll only be ensurin' her demise dammit. She's gotta stay - she has to - maybe it's time we... say goodbye," he continued, staring at the floor in a combination of rage and sorrow.
Then, the moment all of them were dreading reared its head as they heard the quick patter of Ellie's footsteps as she hastily descended the stairs, filling all of their nerves with unbearable anxiety. She rounded the corner and walked into the living room, only to see the three of them staring at her newly arrived presence in despair.
Her hair was still damp from the bath and tied in its usual pony tail. She changed into her over-sized sweat pants, a t-shirt and her flannel, his flannel that she now always slept in.
Seeing her in this moment, looking clean, innocent and dressed as she was, only reminded Joel of holding her tight while she slept. All he could think about was feeling her cuddled in his arms and her little frame keeping him warm at night.
He cleared his throat then bit his tongue, forcing his brain to focus on a set of nerve endings that weren't located behind his eyes.
"Maria! You're back - what'd he say? What's the deal? You talked to him right? Everything's gonna be okay!?" Ellie asked in earnest as she ran over and sat down next to Joel, wrapping both hands around his arm.
He didn't budge or even twitch in reaction to her touch. He remained rigid and motionless, staring at the floor in front of him while clenching his knuckles shut.
She can't come with you - don't make this harder than it already is. Quit babyin' her - it'll only make it more painful if ya do... but Jesus I wanna hold her right now... no - don't! Don't do it Joel - don't fuckin' do it.
Maria sniffled, wiped her eyes with a sleeve then sat back down on the couch while Tommy remained leaning against the wall, fiddling with his fingernails.
"Ellie... listen. First, I just want you to know that we did everything we could - and everything is gonna be okay, alright?" Maria started.
"Don't fucking say that! Tell me what the hell is going on then I can judge that for myself!" Ellie snapped.
"Okay, okay - you're right," Maria replied.
Ellie took a deep breath and tightened her grip around Joel's arm, bracing herself for Maria's next words. Again, he didn't respond to her yearning for physical contact.
"Ellie, you can stay. But Joel has to go... and... and that's it. I'm so sorry," Maria said as tears began to run down her cheeks.
"WHAT!? JOEL!?" Ellie shouted in response, immediately turning her head hoping to meet his eyes.
He remained staring forward like a statue, elbows on his knees and his lips pressed into his interlocked hands, refusing to look at her.
"It's true Ellie. Reckon that's what it's come down to," he slowly replied.
"What the fuck!? No! That's - that's bull shit! Well - then... then I'm coming with you! I'm going too then! Fuck this!" she shouted.
"Ellie - " Joel started, slightly turning his head to acknowledge her increasing frantic state.
"No! Stop! I won't let you say no!" she continued, her voice beginning to crack due to the lump quickly forming in her throat.
Maria rose to her feet and brought a hand over her mouth. "Oh god... I can't... I can't watch this," she muttered, walking into the kitchen to cry by herself.
"Joel - there has to be something we can do - anything - I mean, Carl now knows everything - Maria told him right? What if we just talk to him and then - "
"Ellie, shh," he said, interrupting her. "There ain't a damn thing we can do - that's it. Tomorrow I'm outta here - end of story."
Tommy left the living room and followed Maria to the kitchen to console her.
Ellie began tugging on Joel's shirt and tried to wiggle her way into his lap. Only this time, he wasn't welcoming her in like normal. He resisted and even tried to pull away. It was the first time he'd ever shied away from her contact and his neglect immediately caused her green, little eyes to crystallize.
"Joel! What're you - look at me - no - what the - what're you doing!? Why - why won't you - " she nervously stammered.
Baby girl - please don't make this harder than it has to be.
Her desire to be close to him grew in intensity and she aggressively clawed for his affection once sensing his attempt to push her away. She reached both hands around his head, clasping her fingers together across his cheek and attempted to pull his head around while desperately trying to press herself against him.
It was no use, he only stiffened his neck, resisting her tugging and the urge within himself to simply spin around and pull her into his arms and provide the comfort she yearned for. His persistent struggle to distance himself caused tears to drip from her eyelids and she let out a scared, little squeak, begging him to acknowledge her touch with his.
"Joel! No! Look at me! What's - what's going on - why won't - what're - what're you doing!?" she pressed on, this time with a heart wrenching level of angst and desperation in her voice.
He gently placed both hands around her waist and slowly pushed her away then got up from the couch. He started pacing across the living room again and brought a hand to his brow, still fighting every tear that tried to escape his eyes. This was killing him as much as it was her, something both of them knew.
Ellie, feeling utterly rejected, hurt and heartbroken from getting shoved away when she needed him so badly, curled both legs into her chest and continued to cry.
"Why won't you let me go with you!? You said you would never leave me! You promised! You said you loved me!" she yelled.
Her last statement immediately ceased his pacing and he turned to finally respond.
"You'll be goddamn safer here Ellie! How many fuckin' close calls did we have on the road, huh!? I don't want you gettin' hurt an' you'll be safe here! We've gotten ya this far an' you're finally livin' a normal damn life that ya deserve! I don't wanna ruin that!" he retorted, snapping back at her.
His sharp tone caused her to flinch, but he never scared her. He wouldn't dare hurt her and she knew it, so she scooted towards the edge of the couch, ready to match his aggressiveness with her own.
"Oh cut the shit Joel - you and I both know that's not what this is about."
"What?" he said, crossing his arms.
"Look - I know you're petrified of losing another daughter - losing me. I get that - but we've taken care of each other just fine so far!"
"Do I need to remind you what the hell is out there!? All it takes is one goddamn slip up - one fuckin' mistake an' it's all over - done - bye bye!" he shouted in response, pointing towards the front door.
"At least if you're here I know you're safe an' alive!" he continued.
Ellie angrily shot to her feet from the couch.
"Don't fucking tell me to remember what's out there - I always know what's out there! I have something to remind me of it every single fucking day, remember!?" she spat back as she rolled up her sleeve, exposing the scar on her arm.
Joel rested both hands on his hips and sighed.
"Ellie - you can't come with me. Ya have to stay here. There's a health center here an' everything to take care of ya in case anything - or somethin' - "
"Stop!" she interrupted. "You've taken care of me this whole time! You just swore to me upstairs that everything Anne said doesn't change a thing! You fucking said it! You said we'll manage and figure it out - like we do with everything else! Because we're a team! Why the fuck has that changed all of a sudden!?"
"'Cause I don't trust myself - okay!? Out there! On the road! I'm gettin' old Ellie - someday I'm gonna be long gone an' you're gonna have to live without me. Besides - eventually you're gonna have needs that I can't... that I can't fuckin' meet - might as well start now for Christ sake!" he shouted back.
That one hurt, bad. She felt her heart skip a beat in agony after hearing the crushing response, though she knew it was true. Someday, he would be gone, for good and she would be on her own, living the rest of her life without him. Her lips trembled and more tears flowed from her eyes as she took another, cautious step towards him.
"Is that really how you feel? Are you fucking kidding me Joel!? You've always known what I need - always! I need you! That won't ever fucking change... don't you know that?" she said, finishing with a sigh as she placed both hands on her hips.
She darted her eyes towards the floor then clasped both hands over her face and mumbled.
"You know what - "
"What?"
"If I'd known you were just gonna fucking bail on me down the road... I would'a rather you'd just let them go through with it back in Salt Lake. What - so you save my life, care for me, nurture me, love me more than anyone ever has - just so you can shove me away - take off and leave me all alone and abandoned? After I've become so fucking attached to you!? God!" she shouted, feeling her anger building again as she threw both hands in the air.
She bit her lip in frustration, nearly causing it to bleed before continuing.
"That's fucked up Joel - really fucked up. You should'a just let them cut me open and kill me if you were gonna do this regardless. Is this how you've always treated people you love?"
He flinched and felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. She was surgically ripping him apart with her pointed words, words which he knew were undoubtedly accurate and true. He paused and shook his head then took another step backwards, again distancing himself from the little girl who was forcing him into a corner.
Oh fuck me. Baby I... Jesus - Joel, you're a terrible damn human being. You promised her you'd never leave her - that she'd never be alone. She's right, that's fucked up - you're fucked up... just go pick her up and wrap her in your arms... no! Don't you dare.
"Ellie, look - "
"Don't say it - don't say it again because it's not gonna fucking work."
She wiped her eyes then let out a sniffle.
"Joel - if you leave me here... I'll only be more scared and - and so fucking terrified and alone. I won't be safer here, I'm safest with you - no one else," she softly continued, reaching for his hand.
"Tommy an' Maria will be here - you ain't gonna be alone Ellie," he responded, again pulling away from her attempted contact.
A long, awkward silence fell between them as he turned his back to her and rested his forehead against the wall.
"I know what you're trying to do," she sternly said through her tears.
Goddammit - 'course she does - can't hide anything from her.
"I know what's going through that head of yours. You think if you push me away and get me to hate your fucking guts I'll stay and not come with you."
Fuck.
She slowly approached him once again.
"But that doesn't matter. That doesn't fucking matter. You can yell at me, ignore me and neglect me all you want - hell you could fucking beat me and I'd still crawl my way to you. No matter how hard you may try to push me away, you're not getting rid of me. You can't get rid of me even if you try - remember?"
Baby girl I would never... god dammit - she loves you Joel what the hell are you doin'!?
She took another step towards him then gently wrapped both arms around his waist, resting her head against his back. This time, he made no attempt to pull away and instead she could feel his body quiver from the contact and the sting in his eyes that was becoming too strong to resist.
You can't give in - no matter how much you love her or may want to... she's safest here - even if it's away from you... right?
He felt her skinny, little arms wrapped around him and the warmth from her torso against his back, making the urge to give in all too great. He felt her lips press against his shirt then heard a sniffle before she spoke again.
"Even if you sneak off in the night and run away from me - I'll find you. I'll walk to the end of the earth and back to find you until I fucking collapse from exhaustion and die," she mumbled, feeling a tear drip from her cheek onto his shirt.
She will too - you know she will. You'd only put her in harms away if you were to just up an' leave like a coward.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, faintly hearing the beat of his heart as she pressed an ear against his back.
"We're a team - remember? You promised you'd never leave me - you promised. What about everything that's happened between us? You're just gonna throw it all away? You know - I always thought that you... that you'd never hurt me - ever. I would be so scared and alone without you - life wouldn't be worth fucking living - and I know you know what I mean by that - don't make me say it. Please don't - don't leave me - please Joel. You've not just become my dad - you're also my best friend and I love you," she softly spoke, struggling to mutter the words through her crying that was quickly turning into uncontrollable sobs.
She's dying here - listen to her voice - she needs you an' you're gonna kill her - literally - if you keep this up.
He reached down and grabbed her small hands, peeling them off of his waist then turned around to see her face.
There she was, gazing up into his eyes, looking as fragile and vulnerable as he'd ever seen. Tears ran down her cheeks and over her freckles and the expression across her face screamed her begging desire for him to pull her into his arms. There wasn't a single thing she wanted more. Her small, little frame shook like a leaf in the wind, trembling in fear. She looked as if she teetered on the edge of a cliff, only to helplessly fall to the ground and shatter to pieces if he made even one more attempt to push her away.
He cupped her cheek with a palm, completely enveloping the side of her face with his hand. It only reminded him of how delicate and breakable she still was despite her tough exterior. Regardless, she was prepared to risk everything. She was ready to sacrifice her own life to follow him no matter where he went. And that, all on its own, drove a dagger through the heart of his resistance.
Oh baby - I love you so goddamn much.
"Oh sweetie," he softly cooed, rubbing the scar above her eye with his thumb.
Finally, a small, slight smile appeared across her lips as she continued to adorably look up at him with her tear stained cheeks.
"C'mere baby - c'mere baby girl," he said, pulling her into his arms and gently caressing the back of her head.
She had nothing left. She threw everything she had at him. She slit her wrists and prayed it would pull him back, keeping him at her side. She was completely emotionally spent and feeling herself be engulfed by his embrace was the final straw. After letting out a massive sigh of relief she simply stood there sobbing in his arms, weeping into his shirt while he held her for minutes.
"Shhh - it's okay honey," he said before lowering his lips to kiss her hair.
"But you still have to go - it's not fucking fair!" she screamed into his chest as she let out a sob.
"I know baby - I know. Life ain't ever fair."
In one, swift motion he reached behind her legs and lifted her into his arms then sat down on the couch with her in his lap. She clasped both hands around the back of his neck and gazed into his eyes. And within seconds, the earlier tension and panic that constricted her muscles eased away.
"Don't push me away like that again - you'll... you'll kill me," she muttered with a light, tear filled laugh.
Without saying a word, he grabbed the back of her head and wrapped his other arm around her back, pulling her small, bony frame tightly into his chest. After kissing her on the cheek, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, resting the side of his head against hers.
"From now on when I want you to hold me - you better fucking do it," she said as she let out another small, airy laugh.
He kissed her again then leaned down to whisper in her ear.
"Always sweet pea... but Ellie - " he paused and cleared his throat, feeling the motion of her chest from breathing come to a halt.
She slowly lifted her head from his shoulder and let out another sniffle. "Yeah?"
He wiped a tear from her cheek and lovingly looked into her eyes.
"Ellie - I want ya to do one thing for me."
"Okay," she said.
He could feel the tip of her pony tail brush against his hand as it bounced up and down during the nod of her head.
"Look baby - I love you - more than anything in the whole damn world - reckon more than my own life. But I want ya to seriously think about this, alright?"
"Wait - wha - what do you mean?" she asked with a puzzled look.
"If you wanna come with me, I ain't gonna stop ya. In fact, nothin' would make me happier than havin' my little munchkin by my side. But you will be safer here. We haven't been on the road in awhile an' I'm outta shape - got a damn limp now - an' I reckon we've gotten rusty if ya know what I mean. I only want what's best for ya sweetheart - I just want ya to be safe an' happy. All I ask, is that you at least consider stayin' here, alright?"
"But Joel - "
"Shh, shh - it's okay Ellie. Like I said - I love ya more than anything. I'll keep you safe and hold you tight forever if that's what you want but... just - please think about this. I don't want you doin' anything rash on my account. I couldn't fuckin' live with myself if I dragged you out there with me an' ya ended up bein' miserable - or... worse. I want you to make this decision on your own - alright? You're old enough an' I respect the hell outta ya - so I want you to come to your own conclusion."
"You don't want me to come with you?" she asked as another painful, heartbreaking look washed over her face.
"No, no - that ain't what I said Ellie, not at all. I'll say it again - I always want ya around - always. You're my - "
He kissed her on the cheek.
"Little."
He kissed her on the forehead.
"Baby."
He kissed her on the other cheek.
"Remember? Always. I just want what's best for you - an' right now that means you makin' this decision for yourself, alright?"
Careful what you wish for - could your sorry ass really handle leavin' her behind if she chooses to stay? You wouldn't see her... ever again. You'd split ways for goddamn ever.
A combination of emotions filled her at once. On one hand she felt hurt and annoyed that he didn't simply make it easy, imploring her to come with him, or even continue to force her to stay. On the other, she felt empowered, independent and loved even more, knowing that this time, unlike in Salt Lake, her opinion and what she wanted was taken into account. She knew how important she was to him and that had never been more evident than right this moment. It felt strange and even scary, but it also felt good.
"Yeah - okay. I... I will - I promise," she responded after wiping her eyes and heaving another sigh.
He smiled and cupped a palm over her cheek again.
"That's my girl. Ya don't have to decide now - hell, you don't have to decide 'til I'm about to walk through that gate. But I want you to think about it."
She returned his smile with hers then wiped her nose with a sleeve.
"You got it - I will. But I want you to do one thing for me too."
"Anything sweetheart."
"Tonight - we don't fucking talk about it... at all. Just... enjoy the rest of the evening - just us two. Can... can we do that?"
Tommy and Maria collectively cleared their throats as they stood against the wall across the room. Ellie shot her head around and wrapped both arms around Joel's neck, pulling herself closer to him as she looked their way.
"Oh - shit... how long have you guys been standing there?" she asked, feeling Joel kiss her on the cheek once more.
"Long enough - but we'll leave you two be. We'll uhh... we'll be there tomorrow when - "
"Tommy - no, stop. Don't say it - we know," Ellie said, interrupting him.
"Yeah - alright."
"We'll see you two tomorrow - good night," Maria said as they made their way out.
"Night," Joel replied.
That night, he did exactly as she asked and the topic of his departure and her decision never arose. Instead, they cooked dinner together, played checkers and talked for hours as they reminisced on memories and moments they shared over the past year and then some.
After hours of enjoying the presence of each other and cherishing the last normal evening in Jackson they would have together, Ellie fell asleep on the couch curled up next to Joel. Upon finishing his whiskey, he scooped her up and carried her upstairs to bed. Immediately after lowering himself into the sheets, he felt her snuggle up against him, resting her head on his chest and stretching a little arm over him.
"Rrawrr," she softly and playfully growled as she nuzzled into him.
He tilted his head and looked down to see her getting as close to him as she could.
"The hell's this? What's this creature an' what'd it do to my little Ellie?" he jokingly asked.
"Arrrrr," she quietly continued, gently biting his shoulder which laid beneath her.
"Tssht - you're too cute," he said as he affectionately rubbed her cheek with a thumb.
Both of them let out deep breaths, closed their eyes and tried to fall asleep. However, for Ellie, the task of dozing off seemed impossible. Now that it was evident their night was coming to an end, she urged herself to stay awake and postpone the inevitable of tomorrow.
She simply tried to sync her breathing with his, feeling his chest expand beneath her head with each of his breaths. But, within seconds of her body relaxing in his comforting presence, her mind began feeling the weight of the decision that loomed above her head.
Man - what the fuck! This is too hard - I can't... I can't do this! Ugh - yes you can Ellie, c'mon. You went years when it was just you on your own - maybe it won't be that bad. Wait - what!? No! I can't imagine living without him! Can I do it? Maria and Tommy will still be here - there's no Infected to deal with - no fucking Hunters. Aaagghhh - my god - but I love him! He's my dad and he'll need me out there - I know he will! But he just wants me to be safe... maybe I should stay then - if that's what he really wants. And what about needing to eat all the time now? Where would we get food if I didn't stay here? Ohhhh... this fucking blows - I still need you.
She slowly and softly patted her hand on the mattress, seeking his, then let out a small, quiet peep coupled with a frown when she couldn't find it.
Gimme!
After hearing her barely audible noise he quickly slid his hand under hers, allowing her to intertwine their fingers and causing her frown to fade.
My god Ellie - how the fuck will you be able to sleep without him? Someday you'll have to learn though... someday.
Joel wrapped his other arm around her back then kissed her hair.
"Still awake?" he asked.
She slowly nodded her head, sliding her cheek up and down against his chest.
"Mmhmm - you?" she softly mumbled.
"Barely - fadin' fast though," he said with his eyes closed, feeling the overpowering tiredness from within take over.
Ellie let out a small laugh.
"I know I said to not mention it but - I think I'll have to take into account how much I'll fucking miss having you as my pillow."
Joel snickered.
"See? You're doin' it just like I asked - weighin' everything - takin' it all into account. That's my girl," he softly responded, gently stroking her hair.
She let out a sniffle and felt her eyes beginning to water once again.
"Joel... I can't do this - it's too hard!" she said with a whine, pressing her nose into his shirt and tightening the grip on his hand.
"Shhh sweet pea - I know... I know - no one said it would be easy."
"I know," she murmured with a sigh.
All of a sudden, she could hear him begin to lightly snore as the weight of his eyelids became too heavy to resist. Hearing the audible evidence of his slumber caused her frown to return, knowing that tomorrow was indeed almost a reality.
She felt her eyes rapidly fill with tears then let out another big sniffle as she pressed her cheek even harder against his chest.
This isn't fucking fair - he's my dad - no one should have to make this decision! But I know he only wants what's best for me... why is this happening? Why!? Fuck!
After minutes of quiet contemplation, she couldn't fight it any longer. For an hour, she simply wept and cried in emotional agony, quietly sobbing into the fabric of his shirt beneath her cheek. Each time she thought the sorrow faded, her eyes continued to drip more tears down her face, keeping her awake and in pain.
Eventually, she clenched them shut and took a deep breath as she tried to refocus her attention on his breathing and the beat of his heart.
Maybe it really is time - oh god...
"I love you - but I know what I have to do," she whispered through a sniffle.
Finally, she drifted off to sleep and felt sure about her decision, or so she thought.
There it is - that fucking gate - that stupid thing means all of this is over - it's all about to go away. Fuck! Can I do it? Can I keep on living without him here?
The two of them walked hand in hand towards the exit of the Jackson compound. Carl and his men, along with Maria and Tommy followed behind, escorting them out.
"Still not gonna change your fucking mind Carl?" Maria snapped at her father.
"Maria - don't push it - I was gonna do a lot worse."
Tommy turned his head and angrily leered at his father-in-law.
Joel came to a stop, and the gate which represented the horrific end of his bond with Ellie, was a mere forty yards away. He turned and knelt down, so this time he was looking up at her.
No, no, no - I can't do this - can't it be further away - just give us another hour - oh god what the fuck - no! This isn't fucking fair!
"Hey baby girl," he softly said, reaching out and caressing her other hand.
Don't cry, don't cry - you'll only make this harder - oh god... I can't help it - I'm gonna cry - I can feel it.
Her eyes immediately began dripping and she let out a sniffle.
"Hey pops," she mumbled.
Her response evoked a small, bittersweet smile from both of them.
"C'mon! Move it Joel!" Carl barked.
Maria turned around and sneered at her father. "Dad! Fuck off! Give them a few minutes will you!? Jesus Christ!" she shouted.
"How you doin' honey?" Joel quietly asked, gently rubbing her little hand and fingers.
Ellie wiped her eyes and struggled to hold back a sob. "Been better - not gonna lie."
She couldn't resist it any longer and broke down in tears then lunged into his arms, resting her chin on his shoulder.
"Oh baby - shh, shh - I know, I know," he cooed, squeezing his forearm across her back and feeling her bony, little shoulder blades against his wrist.
"It's not fucking fair!" she stammered in his arms.
"I know - it ain't ever fair."
Maria turned to her father once again, only to see him and even his men, choking up from the sight.
"See what you've done? You're a fucking asshole Dad - always were," Maria snapped.
She grabbed Tommy by the hand and walked over to Joel and Ellie.
"Maria - " Carl started.
"Don't fucking talk to me! I'll come to you when I'm ready - don't hold your breath," she barked back over her shoulder.
Joel gently peeled Ellie off of him and pulled her head away from his shoulder then lifted her chin with a finger.
He knows - he already knows what I'm gonna do - he always knows. He wants me to stay - to grow up and be happy - and that's... that's what I have to try and do - for him - I can do it. God I hope I can do it... I can right? But wait! This is insane - why!? Ugh! But he's right! I'm gonna have to learn to live without him eventually - I can do this... I think.
"Did ya know I used to be addicted to soap?" he softly said with a smile.
She let out an airy laugh coupled with a sniffle through her tears, appreciative of his lighthearted attempt at humor.
"But now you're clean?" she promptly responded.
"Yep!" he said, running a hand through her hair.
A long silence fell between the two of them as they simply gazed into each other's eyes. Neither wanted this moment to end, and everything they'd been through, all of the memories and experiences they shared, collectively ran through their minds. All of the promises they made, everything that they swore to one another and built between them, was about to be ripped apart. The universe finally, somehow, found a way to split them up and the umbilical cord that tied them together would be snapped in half.
Her lips began to tremble in despair, causing him to raise a finger and gently press it against them.
"Shh - it's okay sweetie. I'm glad you thought about it - you did exactly as I asked. Now c'mere - let me get my arms around ya one last time."
One last time - ONE LAST TIME! THIS IS THE LAST TIME! Oh god! Fuck! No, no, no! I can't! But... but it has to be this way - it's for the best - right!?
He encased her in his arms and lifted her off the ground. He clutched her little frame against him as he kissed her hair, bringing her head against his chest just below his chin. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the soothing scent of her hair while he relished feeling her close for one, final, last time.
Please don't let go! I could stay here for fucking ever! How the - how is he holding himself together? Oh, right - for me. He's always strong when I need him to be - but he's dying on the inside - I can fucking see it in his eyes! This is killing both of us! This is so stupid - why the fuck are we doing this!?
He gently set her back down and kissed her on the forehead.
"I love you baby - always. Always - alright?" he said, looking into her eyes as he cupped her cheek.
She whimpered, let out another sniffle and wiped her nose then nodded. "I know - I love you too."
"An' you'll always be my little, baby girl - no matter what," he continued.
She nodded once again as he fondly admired the familiar bounce of her pony tail that always followed the motion of her head.
Oh no - he's getting mushy on me again. He's gonna kill me if he keeps it up - I don't think I can do this - fuck! Yes... yes you can Ellie - c'mon you got this - just... you're gonna wanna die for the first fucking day - maybe days - maybe weeks - months - years! Oh god - shit, shit, shit! This really is for the best - right!? RIGHT!?
"I'll always be with you - in that heart of yours - I'll always be with you," he said, gently patting her small chest with a palm.
"Goodbye Joel - Da - Daddy," she stuttered through her tears.
She slowly pulled both hands away then took a step backwards towards Maria and felt the woman gently place a hand on her shoulder.
She finally witnessed a lone tear escape from his eye and run down his cheek just before he turned around, thus yanking out another violent sob from her. She anxiously watched each and every step he took towards the gate, tears steaming down her cheeks, dreading the moment she would see his figure disappear behind it. Her heart was profusely bleeding in pain, feeling as if a part of her had been ripped away.
She would never see him again. He would never see her again. And soon, he would be gone.
Forever.
Stay strong Ellie - you can do this, you can fucking do this. Oh god - no, no, no... no I can't! I'll never be in his arms again - I'll never hear his voice again - I'll never, ever laugh again! But... this is what I have to do, right? This is for the best... isn't it?
As he got closer and closer to the gate, her heart began to race as panic seeped into her veins. It felt as if her bloodstream now consisted of raw adrenaline more than anything else. Her lips trembled once more and she twitched forward, causing Maria's hand to tug on her shoulder. Upon feeling the restriction of Maria's hand and knowing Joel was leaving her behind, she couldn't help but let out a whimper and a heartbreaking, terrified, nervous squeal.
No, no, no! What the fuck am I doing!? What the hell are WE doing!? This isn't right! This goes against everything I've been fighting and living for! Riley would chop my fucking head off if she knew what I was doing! We're supposed to fight for every second we get to spend with each other - no matter what! This doesn't make any fucking sense! He's all I have - I'm all he has - he's the only reason I'm living - nothing else matters if he's not here - I don't give a shit about what Anne said! I'll get ripped to pieces until there's nothing left of me and die anyway if I stay here without him! We'll figure everything out - together, like he said - I know it's what he really wants - he wants me with him - I know it! After everything we've been through - the promises he made - all of the shit we've fought through, TOGETHER! I'm not letting him go! FUCK THIS!
She ripped herself away from Maria and immediately quickened to a sprint as she ran after him, tears pouring from her eyes.
"Joel! Joel! Dad! Wait! Please wait! Wait, wait! Wait for me!" she shouted, running towards him.
He dropped his head and stopped dead in his tracks, mere inches from the gate.
"Don't go yet! Please! Fucking wait! I'm coming with you!" she frantically continued.
Maria dropped her head onto Tommy's shoulder and began to weep from the sight. Tommy himself could barely hold back his tears and he shook his head, trying to rid himself of the crushing emotion that was filling him to the brim.
Joel slowly turned around, tears rolling down his cheeks and through his beard. He opened his arms and dropped to one knee, eagerly awaiting for Ellie to leap into him.
She pushed herself, running as hard as she could until she reached him, each second that went by felt like an eternity.
Almost there - almost there - I'm almost there! Oh god - please! I can't wait any longer!
Finally, she arrived and leaped into his embrace.
She wrapped both legs around his waist and squeezed her arms around his neck as she began rapidly kissing his hair line.
"Oh baby girl - my little, baby, girl," he whispered into her hair, clutching her delicate frame close to him.
"I love you - I love you - I love you - I love you - oh god - I love you," she stammered, continuing to smother him with kisses as she pressed her lips to his hair.
"I love you too baby girl - oh sweetheart - holy shit," he responded, kissing her on the cheek.
"I'm coming with you - I'd rather fucking die than live the rest of my life without you. I don't give a shit about everything else - you're all that matters to me," she said, wrapping her fingers around the collar of his shirt.
He voiced no response. Instead, he simply closed his eyes and smiled as he squeezed her even tighter, causing a massive grin of her own to stretch across her lips.
"I can still come with you... right?" she softly asked into his ear.
"'Course baby - of course - we'll figure everything out - it'll be okay. I told ya you could - I just want you to be happy. You did exactly as I asked - you came to your own conclusion an' if this is what you want then I'm happy - I'll keep ya safe at my side 'til the day I die honey," he said, feeling a tear drip from her cheek onto his neck.
"But you want me to come with you, right?" she said, lifting her head from his shoulder.
I know he wants me with him! I know he still needs me like I need him - even if his stubborn ass won't admit it!
"God dammit kiddo I... I was dreadin' every step I took away from you. You know I always want you by my side. Sayin' goodbye nearly killed me. They don't want us here - fine - screw 'em. You an' me - we'll figure it out - like we always do," he said, pressing his lips against her hair once again.
Yes!
She let out a laugh and another sob of joy as she pressed her nose into his neck.
"Where we gonna go - what're we gonna do though?" she asked in a frenzy.
"Ain't got a damn clue - but it don't matter sweetie. I've gotcha - you got me - we're a team, remember?" he calmly responded.
God - to think I was on the verge of never seeing him again - what the hell was I thinking? He's right - I don't give a fuck that we have nowhere to go - he always knows how to ease my worry - always. He's got me - he's got ME! That's all I need to hear.
He felt her cheek slide up and down against his jaw line as she slowly nodded in response. He gently lifted her away as she finally loosened the grip of her legs around his waist and set her back down to her feet, keeping his grip around her shoulders tight as she stood next to him.
She wrapped both hands around his arm and rested her head against his torso.
Tommy and Maria were quickly approaching, afraid, but ready to say their goodbyes.
"You two sure about this?" Tommy asked.
"You know us - got our minds made up - ain't gonna change it," Joel responded, looking down at Ellie who was returning his gaze with hers.
Her face still beamed with happiness from the current moment, even though they had to leave the safe confines of Jackson. None of that mattered, all that mattered was that they evaded another attempt by the universe to tear them apart.
"Goddamn - I'm gonna miss you brother," Tommy said, leaning in to give Joel a hug.
"Reckon I'll miss ya too - no question."
"Ellie - as much as it pains me to say it - I'm glad you chose to stay with him. I couldn't live with myself knowing my asshole of a father was responsible for tearing you two apart," Maria said as she wiped her eyes.
Ellie sniffled and smiled, then pressed the side of her head against Joel's arm. "Well - I wasn't gonna let him get away from me that easy! But seriously, thank you - for everything. Really."
"Of course - we won't ever forget you two," Maria responded.
"Ellie - take care of him alright? Keep his ass alive for me will ya?" Tommy asked.
She let out a small laugh and nodded. "Always - I've done well so far. Hey, Joel - what was that saying you said? Something about... cats or some shit?"
Joel looked down and snickered. "Cats - they uhh... they got nine lives - reckon I'm part cat. Think I'm down to... six? Seven? That what we decided?" he asked, playfully messing with her hair.
"Well - good - let's keep it at that number, alright Ellie?" Tommy continued.
"Pssht - I'm pro at it by now - I got him," Ellie proudly responded.
I've got him! He's got me!
Maria and Tommy laughed in reaction to the austere, but true response.
"And Joel - you keep her safe okay? Keep her happy - keep her warm - keep her fed," Maria said.
"Wouldn't dare do anything else," Joel responded, pulling Ellie in front of him and gently placing both hands on her shoulders.
"She's my baby girl - I've got her - always," he continued before kissing the top of her head.
"Oh - one more thing. Take this," Maria said as she handed Joel a torn and tattered notebook.
"The hell is this?" Joel asked.
"It's umm - " she paused and ran a hand through the back of her hair.
"It's Michelle's journal - I hid it from Carl when I found it. Don't ask how... but - it'll explain a lot if you read the last few entries."
Ellie shuddered upon hearing that woman's name again and looked up at Joel for comfort.
"Alright then," Joel said with a shrug.
"Well - reckon this is it. We'll never forget what you two did for us - thank you - seriously," he continued.
"'Course - you're family," Tommy said with a nod.
"Goodbye little brother - maybe someday we'll cross paths again."
Ellie grabbed Joel's hand and the two of them turned around then walked towards the gate as he motioned for the guard to open it. They stepped through the exit and within seconds of being back in the cruel, broken world that was planet Earth, they felt naked and immediately noticed their senses returning to an acute state, a feeling which had been dormant for months.
Knowing they couldn't simply return to the safe confines of Jackson, they felt the weight and gravity of the situation trying to pull them down. But it didn't matter. They refused to let it drag them down. All that mattered was each other and as long as they were together, nothing seemed unconquerable.
They looked each other in the eyes and still managed a smile, knowing that despite everything, they remained as one. They let out a collective, deep breath and prepared themselves to take on the next, harsh and unknown part of their lives.
"Ya ready to do this kiddo?"
"Hell yeah - fucking bring it on! Endure and survive!" Ellie boisterously responded.
Joel let out a laugh. "Damn right - endure an' survive - here we go."