Chapter 4

Marley was all ablaze. Blaine had waited until the next day to tell her in person. Now she forgot to eat about the news and goggled at him.

"I've always thought you two would make the cutest couple! Oh, how exciting!"

"Uhm, haven't you listened? We aren't a couple and we never will be; I can't risk our friendship. I need Sam too much… and anyway, I'm not in love. It was stupid, such a stupid reaction!" Blaine hit his own head.

"But haven't you thought about why you reacted like that?"

"I know why, Marley", Blaine said frustrated. "Because I'm the worst friend ever."

"I think you love him."

Blaine rolled his eyes. It looked like he couldn't have serious conversations with Marley. But with whom else could he talk about it? Sam obviously not. Rachel neither, not that Blaine usually talked much to her. Huh, now that he thought about it the amount of close friends he had wasn't very big.

"Will you come to 'Adam's Apples' today?" Marley asked.

Blaine frowned at her. "Of course not."

"I'm not saying you should try to get back together with Adam but you will apologise, won't you?"

She had a point but… did Blaine have to apologise in person? He could send a text, right?

Yeah okay…. Maybe not.

Still, it was too fresh yet. He'd wait a few more days before he'd approach Adam. In the meantime he could make up a plan to get things right with Sam.

Blaine at least expected silence and reproachful glares. That's why he was utterly surprised when Sam talked to him as normal as could've been when Blaine came home.

"Have you seen my red wristwatch? I can't find it", he said on his way to the living room just after Blaine had entered the apartment.

Blaine put his keys away and took off his coat, all while frowning disbelievingly. When he entered the living room Sam had put all the pillows off the couch and was lifting the cushions, now, too.

After a few moments in that his brain was complete empty Blaine decided to say "Maybe it's in your room" even though it felt surreal and wrong to talk about wristwatches right now.

"Where do you think I just looked?" Sam grouched without interrupting his search.

Blaine went a step closer and his brain went empty again. Sam's frantic movements surely didn't mean he really, really loved the missing watch.

Blaine cleared his throat. "Can we, uhm, talk about…"

"Nothing to talk about", Sam said. He put the cushions back on and gathered the pillows from the ground.

"I don't want this to stand between us."

Sam pushed the last pillow on the couch, stood straight and frowned.

"We're good. I mean you didn't have to kiss me if you didn't want to start anything but apart from that we're good. I've lived with the fact that I can never have you long enough and maybe I don't even want you, not really. It's just, you know, a phase. I'll get over it, no reason to cry yourself to sleep at night."

As expected Blaine's heart broke for his friend at hearing this statement. He searched for empathetic words that would ease Sam's pain but before he could formulate anything Sam said: "Stop looking at me like I'm a five year old that just lost his parents. I'm an adult. And my parents still live!"

He nodded for emphasis and left the room. Blaine followed him to the hallway and since he hadn't time to think the silliest thing came out of his mouth.

"Oh come on, Sam! You'd really want to 'start' something? Risk our friendship?"

Already in his door Sam turned around.

"So what you did yesterday wasn't risking our friendship?"

"Okay, first, don't blame only me! You were the one actually… uhm, you know. And second, yes, it was. That's why I'm sorry, that's why I want to talk about it."

Sam snorted. Then he threw the door shut and Blaine was left alone with all his brought up feelings. He wanted to punch Sam for being ignorant, for backing out of the talk, for… everything.

"Okay, then… then… cry in your room!" he said – of course not loud enough for Sam to hear it.

Blaine went to the kitchen to get something to eat. He smeared butter and mustard on a slice of bread and couldn't stop wondering if Sam really meant it. Would he really be willing to, well, date? That was the weirdest thought ever. They had been friends for so long. They had something to lose here and... it just was the worst idea ever!

Suddenly Blaine realised he had smeared jam on his sandwich as well. He cursed and threw it away when the front door slammed. In a knee jerk reaction Blaine ran to it and tore it open.

"Where are you going?!

"Out!" Sam called without turning around or stopping.

"And when will you be back?"

"Late. Don't wait up."

He reached the lifts and pressed the button. One glance to Blaine later he was gone.

Blaine sighed and closed the door. And there it was, the expected tension between them. If Sam would only listen! Couldn't he just let everything go and continue being Blaine's best friend?

January 2015

On the first day after the winter break Blaine was productive as never before. He got a promising sounding ad from the bill board and managed to catch Adam during lunch. When he first saw him sitting alone in the cafeteria he wanted to hide. But he had intended to say some apologising words for some time now so the fact that Adam's friends weren't here yet was actually a good opportunity.

Blaine went with his tray in his hands to the Blonde, who looked up.

"Hey, listen, Adam… I wanted to say how sorry I am. I know, it doesn't redeem anything but for what it's worth, I really didn't have an agenda. I just thought you were cute. Just my cursed sense of romance, I guess. I'm sorry."

He had spoken while holding his breath and now inhaled deeply. A nod to Adam later Blaine turned around and started to look for Marley when he heard: "What, no asking for a second chance?"

Blaine turned around again. Why didn't Adam look even remotely angry?

Blaine quickly took the seat opposite to him and leaned forward while he spoke.

"If you screamed at me that would make things so much easier to bear. Don't be all nice and… English!"

Adam laughed. Oh. My. God. He still was cute and so… forgiving.

"I can't help it, you know, since I am English born."

"So… Would I actually…"

Blaine stopped in the middle of his sentence. What was going on? Was it really clever to ask Adam out again? On one hand, yes, it would be great if it would work out. But on the other hand Blaine was too entangled with his domestic drama with Sam to have the energy to carefree date.

Blaine had been home in Lima over the holidays, just like Sam had been in Kentucky. The time apart had done nothing to help Blaine get his head free. He had had too much time at home to think. About that kiss, that damn kiss. It wouldn't leave his mind. And then he had installed the SIMS computer game on his laptop, created two people that were as alike to him and Sam as possible and tried to find out that way if dating would be a good idea. First the flirting had led to two love birds, alright, but then the fighting had started and everything had ended with SIM-Blaine burning SIM-Sam in the garden.

Huh. Not a very good prognosis.

"Yes…?" Adam asked.

"Uhm. Does it mean you forgive me?"

"Well, I believe you when you say you didn't have an agenda. You're too naive to act like that."

"Oh. Thank you… I guess."

"Hey, have you heard back from the Zombie-musical?"

"No. And I don't think that will be anything…"

Blaine couldn't believe it but he actually found himself in a nice, normal conversation with Adam. Not flirty or with the intent to get a date but a friendly conversation. More than he had ever thought could happen. Adam also asked him about 'Adam's Apples' and Blaine agreed to at least think about coming back.

Although located in Brooklyn the rooms of 'Let's get loud', the Broadway play Blaine had taken the ad of, looked neat and the atmosphere was welcoming. In the waiting room were a few people. Blaine sat down and read through the script that was given to him.

An hour later he stepped out on the street, closing his jacket and putting up the hoodie to protect his hair from the mild rain. The snow from December was completely gone. Now he had to wait for a call-back and he'd much rather like to have a role in this play even when it was without singing than in the Zombie Apocalypse musical.

When he came home he realised Sam was back from Kentucky. Blaine's heart beat double time as he saw the open door of his roommate and heard quiet music. He forced himself to take off his jacket and walk there in a normal pace while in fact he wanted to run, throw himself at Sam and tell him how much he had missed him. But apart from the fact they had separated on not the best food last year it could've been misunderstood, anyway.

Blaine knocked on the open door and poked his head in. Sam was sitting cross legged on his bed, reading a paper.

"Hey… uhm… Happy New Year", Blaine said as Sam looked up. The Blonde waved him in.

"You, too. Look."

He gave the paper to Blaine, who read it.

"Mr Evans, you're determination to work for me has impressed me. I'm willing to book you for the new collection of beach clothing. Come to my office…" Blaine looked at the signature. Bichette. Now, he didn't really think this was good news but since Sam seemed to be in a better mood than the whole last month Blaine forced a smile as he gave the letter back.

"Wow, congratulations, Sam!"

"Mm." Sam folded the paper expressionless.

"What, are you not overwhelmed with joy you made it? Wasn't that your dream?"

"Yeah." Sam shrugged and looked at Blaine. Once again it kicked Blaine out of his shoes and he didn't know whether the longing he felt was his own or the one he saw in Sam's eyes. But this time Blaine could control himself. He gulped down all feelings by thinking of the burning SIM body.

"So, do you want to celebrate your new job? We could order in food? I mean… if you want to." Blaine shrugged, eager to not make Sam think he had forgotten the atmosphere from before the holidays.

"I don't know, man. I don't feel too well. I'll probably just go to sleep."

"Oh." At six p.m.? Was he sick? Could Blaine do anything to help him get better?

"Yeah, you know, long flight and everything."

Blaine nodded and stayed where he was because his feet wouldn't move. Last time he had been in this room he had kissed Sam. Sam had kissed him. Everything had started.

"But we are good, right?" He couldn't stop himself from asking.

Sam shrugged.

"Because we need to be best friends forever", Blaine said. He didn't say all those other things that had gone through his head in Lima. How holding on to something for the sake of not losing it sometimes exactly led to losing it. How refusing to go with changes sometimes destroyed everything more than those changes could've. But all those thoughts were secret, most of the times Blaine didn't even allow himself to look at them.

Or at the feelings that stood behind it.

"Can we talk about that tomorrow?" Sam asked.

"Yes. Of course. Just tell me… yes or no."

"That would be talking already."

"Can't we just, like, hang out with pizza and everything? Like nothing has happened?"

Now Blaine pleaded at Sam, who drove his hands through his hair and unfolded his legs.

"I should have never told you, it's all my fault. I'm sorry. "

"No, no, no! Sam!" Blaine sat down next to his friend and grasped his hand. Was that strange or easy to misunderstand? No, any friend would do that…

"It's good that you told me! It's good that you talked about it. Not talking makes everything so much harder."

"But…" Sam closed his eyes and wiped over them with one hand. "It still has gotten harder."

"Oh." Blaine should've probably let go of Sam's hand now. Then again he could understand that wrong, too, and start to cry or something.

"Because we kissed. I thought… I couldn't help it, like every day I thought maybe Blaine feels something, too. And that you need time to get used to the thought or something. Can you… Just tell me how we stand, honestly? Should I wait or put energy into getting over it or… what?"

Sam returned the pressure on Blaine's hand somewhat too hard so Blaine pulled back his hand. In the moment he did it Sam exhaled and glided away from him, eyes directed at the floor.

And Blaine didn't know what to say. He didn't want Sam to hurt but here it was, his chance of making them like they had been. Best friends, not more but also not less. Blaine could start dating Adam again, or whoever, and share his luck but also his tears with Sam. It was a selfish wish but if they were to engage in a romantic relationship they wouldn't have each other for comfort if something went wrong.

"I just want us to stay friends", he repeated. "Like before."

Sam took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay. It's better that way, you're right. I mean, who knows when my phase is over, anyway."

Blaine nodded. Funny enough, he didn't feel relieved. He had thought he would when Sam agreed to going back to the way they were. But maybe it needed time to settle down.

Blaine put his hands on his knees and got up.

"So, uhm, you're going to sleep immediately or do you want to eat something before…?"

"If you don't mind I'm calling Danny. I…" Sam reached for his phone and Blaine froze.

Danny. The drug dealer. The gay sex provider.

"No."

Sam looked up. "What?"

"I do mind. I do mind very much. Don't call him."

"Why not?" Sam frowned at Blaine.

Well, good question. They had the drug discussion already and it had led to nothing. Still…

"What do you want with him? Are you out of pills or…?"

"Blaine, come on, I'm an adult. I can decide for my own… Anyway, I…"

"We haven't seen each other for two weeks", Blaine interrupted Sam. "And I missed you. Can't we spend the night… only the two of us?"

He gulped. That had sounded way too suggestive, hadn't it?

Sam looked at his phone and bit his lip. Eventually he nodded and put the phone away, and this time Blaine was relived as hell.

The room was dark when Blaine opened his eyes. He might as well have kept them closed and his view would've stayed the same. But he couldn't fall asleep again. The warmth beside him moved and suddenly hot breath thrust into his ear.

"I know you lied, Blaine. I know you want me."

Blaine shivered. He pulled Sam closer, wanted to be buried completely underneath him. Once they started to kiss it never seemed to end and Sam's hand glided down on Blaine and –

Biep biep biep. Biep biep biep. Biep biep biep.

Blaine opened his eyes, hit the alarm clock and kicked away the sheets. It was way too hot for a January morning. And the sun was way too bright. Blaine turned around, closed his eyes and tried to dream on. Sam's hands on his body, yes… oh God, yes. Blaine breathed in through his mouth and enclosed his hard one.

A few minutes later he crept to the bathroom to wash his hands and brush his teeth. He felt bad about dreaming of his best friend like that but given the circumstances it wasn't too weird. Of course yesterday had been a total platonic evening but the situation from December and Sam's confession still were in Blaine's head.

Despite his rather happy awakening Blaine wasn't very high spirited when he took a coffee and packed his bag for school. He didn't really know why. He just knew Sam had a few days until his Bichette job would start and who knew what he'd do in his free time. Take drugs? Have sex with Danny? Okay, those fantasies were really not helping. And Blaine had practically pushed Sam away so he wasn't allowed to complain about with whom he had sex.

"Today I'll do it. I'll ask him out", Marley said. Once again. Blaine only nodded and told her to go on because she never did.

"Oh, oh, I think he's coming for you", Marley said.

"Who?" Blaine turned around from the candy machine and sighed.

Of course had he known that sooner or later he had to face Kurt again. It's strange enough he hadn't seen him in school for many months now. Maybe Kurt had hidden from him just like Blaine always hid from Sebastian when he saw him first. But now he came straight at him.

"You dated Adam? Are you out of your mind?"

"Yes. I did. Go on, tell me what a bad person I am."

Kurt frowned.

"The word I'm thinking of is 'pathetic'. Can't you find your own rebound boyfriend? Seriously? Or did you go out with him because he reminded you of me? Newsflash, Blaine: I have moved on and so should you."

Blaine grumbled and tried to look as mean as he could and when Kurt was gone he quickly pulled out his phone and sent Rachel a text asking who Kurt dated at the moment, and since when. Because he would bet everything that he had moved on earlier. And Adam counted, by the way.

"You should've told him about Sam", Marley said. "That's moving on for real."

"There's nothing between Sam and me", Blaine said while still looking at his phone. Then he put it into his bag and they started to walk.

"Uhu, that's why you looked up online how Aquarius and Gemini would fit together as a couple."

"For research matters, Marley."

"Or why you asked that crazy girl in your dance class to read in your palm if the love of your life is a blond model."

"Listen, if you're going to use things like that against me I'm not going to tell you anything anymore, okay? I just want to know how it would turn out if… you know. I can't risk losing Sam."

"But if you could know for sure everything would be good… Would you? Would you date him?"

"I don't know." Blaine adjusted the strap of his bag. Would he? To be honest all he had done in the last weeks was thinking about how it would be. But Sam always said it was a phase for him. And Blaine didn't know about his own feelings. Could he trust them after he had thought for so long Kurt was the best that ever happened to him and then, well, he hadn't?

"And here I was, believing you when you said the new Blaine isn't afraid of risks."

"Phh", Blaine said. "I lied. Of course I am afraid of risks. Especially when it's about important things like Sam."

Marley raised her eyebrows.

"Well", Blaine tried to change the subject. "You'll be glad to hear I'm coming back to 'Adam's Apples'. I had a heart to heart with Adam yesterday and we agreed our little side trip isn't worth ruining show choir for me."

"Oh! So… you're conflicted between Adam and Sam?"

"No, Marley, okay? Stop… that." Blaine gestured around. "I can be single, can't I?"

"This is not about being in a relationship but about your feelings."

"My feelings are not important. I want to concentrate on my career."

"Just remember: All work and no play will make Blaine a dull boy."

Blaine rolled his eyes and actually changed the subject to Hunter Clarington. Who would've guessed he'd ever be glad to hear about the criminal ex Dalton student?

Adam was the cutest boy in the whole school. Blaine had to admit he still had a little crush on him. His smile was cute, his voice adorable and his dance moves were so sexy! Blaine couldn't help but grin on his way home.

As soon as he had come through the door his grin vanished. Explicit noises were coming from Sam's room. Blaine clenched his fists and there was a bug eating its way into his guts. No, no jealousy now. And Danny was a substitute anyway, a lame – wait. That was the voice of a girl…?

But it didn't matter! Blaine threw his bag into this room and went to the living room. He wish he'd have a punching back right here, right now. The minutes felt like hours. Therefor it took an eternity until Sam's door opened and normal speaking voices were to be heard. Blaine wanted to storm to them and ask a lot of questions but he forced himself to stay where he was.

Well, until he recognised Rachel's giggles, that is.

Blaine went as casually as he could into the kitchen.

"Hey."

Rachel jerked around from where she was leaning against Sam at the counter and quickly closed her bathrobe tighter.

"Oh, Blaine! I didn't hear you coming."

"Oh yeah, but I you" Blaine mumbled although, exactly speaking, he hadn't.

"What?"

"I was wondering that you didn't have a thing today" he said louder. Rachel went to the table while Blaine strictly avoided looking at Sam. He couldn't do this. As much as a part of him wanted to make a scene, act betrayed and throw things around, he just couldn't. He took an apple and excused himself.

In his room he took out his school notebooks and stared at them. After a few minutes he also couldn't do that anymore. It started with a frown, and once he had accepted his anger it busted out with no limits. He crumbled his paper and threw it to the ground screaming. Was Sam really serious? One day he said 'oh, Blaine, I love you' and the next he went to fuck his ex-girlfriend? If it at least had been Danny, someone Sam is not attached to emotionally, someone who was clearly the enemy!

A knock at the door.

"Blaine? Is everything okay?" Rachel asked. "We heard you screaming…"

"Yeah, no, it's just… homework is frustrating", Blaine said.

"Oh, tell me about it! Just this week I –"

"Rachel", Sam's dampened voice came. After that Rachel was quiet and another lighter knock came.

"Blaine, can I come in?" Sam asked.

Blaine closed his eyes and massaged his nose. One, two, three. Not, that didn't help. He took the crumbled paper from the ground and said: "I'm not sure if that's for the best right now."

After two moments he added: "I'm dating Adam again, by the way."

Oh, just great. Blaine bit his lip and frowned with regret.

"Good for you", Sam said. His footsteps went away and the following quiet was unbearable. Blaine put on some music and lay down in his bed. A few minutes he stared at the ceiling, and when a slow song started he began to cry. He couldn't help it, it was just… everything. Blaine turned to the wall and stared at it, thinking how Sam's room was on the other side. Of course that made his tears only run faster.