The following program contains coarse language, scenes of violence and/or sexuality, spoilers, AS MUCH AloisxCiel AS I CAN CRAM IN, barely any rage (I'm in such a peaceful mood), an impromptu un-boob job, EXTRA BUTTER, and other content that may offend you. Reviewer discretion is advised.
I've recently brushed up on my Harry Potter trivia, and I realized that Alois, by revealing that he could see the Dementors, suggested he was not a muggle...
I knew there was something special about that kid.
Disclaimer: All your Kuros are belong to Toboso. I also do not own Dementors, Super Soakers, or the Arrogant Worms and their wonderful bovine ballad, which I think I have screwed up the lyrics to, but hell, that's how I learned it.
Me: Welcome back, everyone, and Happy Hump-Day!
Alois: There's a DAY for that? Ciel, celebrate with me! *lunges at Ciel*
Ciel: Get the hell off of me, you ignorant twit! You! Obnoxious female! Get him off!
Me: *shrugs* Why mess with a good thing?
Ciel: *shoving at Alois* It's another word for WEDNESDAY, dumbass! Most commonly used by dorks like her who think they're FUNNY.
Alois: *gets off and straightens his clothes* I knew that.
Ciel: Then why—
Me: You look very nice today, Alois. I like your outfit.
Ciel: *looks at Alois*
Alois: You're staring at my legs again!
Ciel: ... You're wearing pants.
Alois: Yes. *throws a leg over Ciel's lap* You like?
Ciel: S-stop touching me!
Alois: They're my new skinny-jeans. I saw one of my fans wearing a pair the other day and her legs looked so attractive and awesome that I thought I'd get a pair for myself!
Ciel: Your fans are all girls.
Alois: I don't see your point, Ciel.
Me: Moving along! We have a lot to do today, so I don't have time for your adorable arguing.
Ciel: It's NOT—
Me: Since our last episode, we've received a mind-blowing total of SIX REVIEWS! That's TWICE AS MANY as last time! That's just, I mean...
Alois: She started crying.
Me: Just about. Thank you so much, all of you! TTuTT
Ciel: I know you're just going to call me greedy again, but six really isn't that much.
Me: |: Is that so? Then you probably wouldn't mind if I locked you in a cage for six days?
Ciel: Well THAT'S a little harsh! Don't you—
Me: I have also heard from our good pally MLE, who explained why exactly Ciel is a pimp. After reading what she wrote I feel like an idiot for not getting it myself! *forehead-palm* I mean, it's just like she said: painfully obvious!
Ciel: Then by all means, please ENLIGHTEN ME.
Me: Get this; 'tis hilarious. *reading from paper* "WELL, if you may look at Ciel, you will notice that he is indeed wearing a large top hat and holding a cane, even though it's obvious that he does not require such an item. Very pimpin attire. To add to this, he also has Sebastian, who is obviously Ciel's bitch. He orders Sebastian around all the time, and probably uses him for sexual favors, and sometimes he even slaps him around. Ciel knows how to keep his bitches in line."
Ciel: ...
Alois: *laughing hysterically*
Ciel: I DON'T ASK SEBASTIAN FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS!
Me: Well if you were his pimp, you wouldn't have to ask, would you?
Alois: *raises hand* Can I sentence him?
Me: By all means.
Ciel: Shit.
Alois: Ciel Phantomhive, please approach the stand!
Ciel: Why does it seem like we're the only two ever being punished? D:
Alois: For displaying very pimpin' behaviour while you are still legally considered a minor, I sentence you to receive a taste of your own medicine! For the remainder of the day, you will be my ho.
Ciel: Over my dead body!
Me: Hey, look what I brought. *sprays Ciel's face with Super Soaker*
Ciel: *wipes face* You can do that all you want; I'm not gonna—fffggplshlhhff
Me: I can bring the Dementors in if you don't feel like playing by the rules.
Ciel: You don't have any control over them! You said so—spppllshrgrffsh
Alois: I'm gonna borrow your top hat, okay?
Ciel: I SAID N—uuffsghhsllphfh
Alois: *hits Ciel upside the head with disco stick* Know your place, bitch!
Me: We don't have time for this! Ciel, just be Alois' ho for one measly little day!
Ciel: I would rather spend the rest of my life wearing a suit made of live kittens.
Alois: Why, so you can be their pimp instead?
Me: That can be easily arranged.
Ciel: I meant... I'd rather... spend the day with Claude-zombie.
Alois: That hurts my feelings D:
Ciel: I don't give TWO SHITS about your feelings!
Alois: That hurts my feelings more!
Me: BRING IN HANNAH AND THE TRIPLETS!
Alois: Oh, great! Hannah knows what it's like to be someone's bitch. Just ask her, Ciel; it's not so bad!
Ciel: You gouged her eye out!
Alois: *latches onto Ciel* But I would never do that to you! You'd be the head ho, and everyone knows the head ho gets special treatment!
Me: HEY! I'm trying to run a courtroom here! For the love of god, Ciel, just cooperate. There'll be sweets in it for you later.
Ciel: ... *sighs* What do I have to do?
Alois: *grins* You'll see! C: *grabs Ciel and runs off*
6 minutes later:
*Alois and Ciel return to find that Hannah is receiving breast-reduction surgery from the triplets, who are singing the Cow Song by the Arrogant Worms while the Dementors sit with me in the Earls' spots and eat popcorn*
*with EXTRA BUTTER! HELL YEAH!*
Alois: Awww, we missed the sentencing.
Me: *swallows popcorn and points at Hannah* Charged for being a fan-service whore, sentenced to get rid of those sweater-cows so she'll be extra boring and pointless; *points at triplets* charged for not ever speaking, sentenced to sing the awesomest song I could come up with on a loop.
Thompson: I am cow, hear me moo,
Timber: I weigh twice as much as you,
Canterburt: And I look good on barbeque!
Me: Both charges courtesy of Misery's Prescription, to whom I send copious amounts of 'thank-yous' and high fives!
Ciel: ...
Alois: What do you think of Cielly's new look?
Ciel: *dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl in short shorts* *obviously not pleased by it*
Me: Not bad.
Ciel: THIS IS HUMILIATING! *blushing furiously*
Alois: Oh hush, lovey. It could've been so much worse.
Ciel: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Alois: Ah, but Alois treats his whores with respect! And you already kicked me in the shin for calling you 'bitch'.
Me: That's not very nice, Ciel.
Ciel: *taking deep breaths and struggling to compose himself* I'm just... gonna... sit down somewhere and wait for Alois to get what's coming to him.
Me: *flipping through papers* Actually, no one charged him of anything today.
Ciel: *says something unprintable and steals my popcorn*
Me: BRING IN SEBASTIAN AND GRELL!
Sebastian: *ushered into courtroom by Dementors* There you are, Bocchan! I thought you said this would only take a day or two.
Grell: *attached to Sebastian's leg* Sebas-chaaan? What are we doing in court?
Thompson: Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's
Timber: Made with liquid from my utters,
Canterburt: I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo-oo!
Grell: Could it be? Are we getting MARRIED? Oh, Sebas-chan! It's not as glamourous as I would've liked, but it's a DREAM COME TRUE, nonetheless!
Sebastian: Bocchan... If you don't mind my asking, what are you wearing?
Grell: It's like we're two outlawed lovers on the run! CX Just like Bonnie and Clyde! Kyaaaaaa, how ROMANTIC! *many floaty hearts*
Ciel: *eats popcorn and ignores*
Alois: *bubbly* Ciel is my ho for the day! C:
Sebastian: H-how... lovely, Earl Trancy.
Me: SEBASTIAN! Please approach the stand!
Sebastian: *smiles* My apologies, young lady, but I don't take orders from anyone but my young master.
Me: *turns to Ciel and tries to look pitiful* Help, pweeeease, Cielly? I promise that Alois will get sentenced next time if you do!
Ciel: Fine. Listen to the obnox—I mean the judge, Sebastian.
Sebastian: As you wish, Bocchan.
Me: Sebastian Michaelis, you have been charged by A chan for your quote unquote, "tendency to sleep with sluts!" including an animal tamer from Noah's Ark Circus by the name of 'Beast', a slutty nun, heaven's knows HOW MANY others, and probably a good chunk of your fanbase. How do you plead?
Ciel: You've never let us plead!
Me: Yeah, I just remembered that bit.
Alois: What a shame, hey, Ciel? I bet you'd be real pro at pleading. 'Oh, Alois! Alois, don't stop! Please don't—' fffggplshlhhff *gets blasted by Super Soaker*
Ciel: Crap, out of water.
Sebastian: *smiles* Guilty.
Me: And don't even THINK about pleading not guilty, 'cause the evidence is—what now?
Sebastian: Ask Bocchan; I never lie.
Ciel: Yeah, well, you don't always tell the truth either.
Sebastian: And could you truly blame me for the last one? My fans are, without a doubt, the loveliest of all. *flutters eyelashes* *the sound of thousands of girls sighing worldwide resonates throughout the courtroom*
Me: *not really interested in Sebastian* I feel like I should be insulted, but for some reason... I don't care. Maybe it's 'cause you're much better-looking in person.
Grell: *raises death scythe* WATCH WHAT YOU SAY! That's my husband-to-be you're talking about!
Me: Nevermind. It's because of what I'm about to do! As A chan suggested, you are hereby sentenced to allow Grell to have his way with you, as punishment for bestowing the same treatment to helpless women and probably little boys everywhere!
Grell: Our honeymoon already! Ooooh, how exciting! Go on, Sebastian darling, whisk me away so we can ride off into the sunset! *leaps into Sebastian's arms*
Thompson: I am cow, I have gas,
Timber: Methane gas comes out my ass,
Canterburt: And out my muzzle when I belch!
Sebastian: Er, Bocchan, I don't really have to—
Ciel: Listen to the damn judge! *refilling Super Soaker with a can of apple juice*
Alois: Cielly, you better not be planning to—ussspolshhgrrf—*coughing* Oh god, it's all sticky!
Thompson: That's what she said!
*Timber and Canterburt exchange confuzzled glances and begin to wheel the unconscious, notably less busty Hannah away*
Dementors: ...
*Claude-zombie stumbles in, riddled with bullet holes*
Me: THAT'S NOT AS FUNNY THE SECOND TIME. D:
Claude-zombie: ... Well, I just thought, you know... Sebastian has that thing with the cats, and everyone finds it so funny, so I thought this could be my thing.
Ciel: What, showing up where you're not wanted and looking like a jackass? Trust me, you can stop trying so hard.
Alois: Gimme that! *steals Ciel's apple juice gun and douses Claude* Mwahahaha!
Claude-zombie: *screaming and flailing while disintegrating into a puddle of toxic-nastiness*
All: *look questioningly at Alois*
Alois: What? Zombies are allergic to apple juice. I thought that was common sense.
Me: It's news to me.
Ciel: Yeah.
Sebastian: Indeed.
Dementor: Pretty much.
Me: *waving Sebastian and Grell away* Go on, you lovebirds! Go and have the time of your lives!
Grell: *squeals* Oh, Sebas-chaaaaaan! I hope you're well-rested, because you're going to be oh so T-I-R-E-D when I'm done with you! *sparkles and roses and rainbows*
Sebastian: *groans and heads for the door*
Me: Maybe next time you'll think twice before being such a manwhore!
Thompson: Oh the ozone layer's thinner,
Timber: From the outcome of my dinner,
Canterburt: I am cow, I am cow, I've got ga-as!
Alois: *throwing rice*
Ciel: *grumbling about his shorts*
Me: *pivots and looks at Ciel* SO.
Ciel: ... *waiting* So what?
Me: According to our old pal Sweetie, I'm supposed to slap you for failure to listen to Sebastian when he told you to stay hidden in the goddamn crate. But...
Ciel: ... *waiting once again* But WHAT?
Me: *smiles* It was so nice how you made Sebastian listen to me! I kind of don't feel like hitting you now! :3
Ciel: Oh. Then you're welcome, I suppose.
Me: But I'm going to anyway because we all could have avoided a lot of shit and Claude if you had.
SLAP!
Ciel: ...
Me: I only did that because I love you.
Alois: *perks up* CAN I—
Ciel: NO!
Alois: But you sprayed me with apple juice! I highly dislike apple juice! AND I lo—
Ciel: NO! JUST, NO!
Alois: *pouts* You're not a very obedient ho.
Ciel: I've already reduced myself to dressing like this; what more do you want!
Alois: *grins wickedly* You KNOW what I want!
Ciel: Ugh. *stomps out of courtroom*
Alois: Nooo! Cieeeeeellll! *runs after his ho*
Me: Wait! We're not done yet!
Thompson: I am cow, here I stand,
Timber: Far and wide upon this land,
Canterburt: From BC to Newfoundland!
Me: *checking papers* Oh! Nevermind! :) We are done! *tosses paper aside*
Thompson: From the east coast to the west coast,
Timber: You can squeeze my teats by hand,
Canterburt: I am cow, I am cow, here I sta-and!
Me: Alright then. Good-bye, everyone! Many fanks and virtual sweets for the reviews, and have an excellent day/evening/prevening/night/week/month/life! :D
And somewhere down the hall...
"Ciel! Stop running! That's an order!"
I'd fricken love to, Ciel thought, cursing his laughable lung capacity as he turned another corner. But anything's better than letting you catch me.
"Cieeelll! I hope you realize you're under a court order to listen to me!"
"You gave the order; and the last time I checked, you weren't the judge!" Ciel shouted back, wasting precious oxygen to set the record straight. "Besides, it's the end of the day!"
The pursuing footsteps faltered, then resumed their quick pace. "No it's not!"
"It is somewhere! Oof!" It would appear he had run into a door.
"Gotcha!" Alois proclaimed, prancing down the short corridor.
Ciel pushed frantically at the door—a heavy-looking thing labelled 'Fire Exit'—but to no avail. Who the hell locks the fire exit?
"Ciel-ly," Alois crooned, shoving up against Ciel from behind. He uttered another oof as the door handle pressed into his stomach. "You realize that I'm going to have to punish you for this."
"Cut it out! We're not in court anymore!"
"I'm aware of that," Alois stated, his tone deathly serious for a second. "But you should know better than anyone that a pimp's gotta 'keep his bitches in line'."
"You're not a pimp, and I am most certainly not your bitch." Ciel tried the door again, praying to a god he seldom believed in that it would have magically unlocked itself.
Alois was laughing. "I love watching you struggle! Like a little fly stuck in a spider's web..." He grabbed Ciel by the shoulders and spun him around to face him. "I've been thinking about what you said the other day. Actually, I've just been thinking about the other day period." Alois leaned forward to skim his nose along the soft curve of Ciel's jaw line, receiving a flinch and an exasperated groan in return. "I had no idea you felt that way about me."
"I don't..."
"But you have no other way to explain your actions." Alois had moved onto Ciel's ear now, tracing the sapphire-coloured stud it held with his tongue. "You'll just have to admit that you want me," he murmured breathily.
Ciel rolled his eyes, but to his chagrin, felt blood rise to his cheeks. No doubt Alois could feel the heat coming off of him. That idiotic tramp really had no sense of personal space. "I'd watch it if I were you."
Alois chuckled, "You don't scare me," and before Ciel could react, Alois pressed his lips to his with enough force to knock his head onto the door with a dull clang.
He seemed to catch himself, however, as his mouth and grip loosened on the smaller boy. Ciel sighed with relief, a reaction which Alois mistook for one of pleasure, if his subsequent moaning was anything to go by. The sound caught Ciel off guard—something stirred in his gut and his cheeks grew hotter, his eye fluttering shut. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not.
Before he could officially decide, he was released. Alois grinned at him and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, looking at him with the expression of someone who had their prey exactly where they wanted them. "Now I'll show you what it's like to be left hanging," he declared, and strode off, leaving Ciel irritated and confused.
[EDIT] Ciel's greed is rubbing off on me, so I'm going to propose a little somethin'-somethin' for you guys. If we can get up to 30 reviews, I'll write a nice sexy little oneshot with him and Alois :) Deal? Cool.