A Faire-Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

summary: A faire tale full of knights, fairies, and princessy angst. With added nonsense just for the little children!

Chapter 4: True Love's First Miss

There stood, in L's way, one problem in the whole 'kiss the princess/prince and save them so as to discover true and endless love or at least get to mack for three straight minutes with an attractive person.'

That problem was Kira. Kira had a way of getting in other people ways, even if it was indirectly, like growing large rose bushes around the tower that knights were supposed to climb and save princess/princes. L glared at the bush. It bothered him. Things that bothered him didn't live long.

Obviously bothering princes is some sort of death warrant.

He pulled out his sword (no, no, not that kind of sword silly, the other kind) and began to slash at the bush madly, like some sort of riled up hair dresser who'd just had their apron insulted. That didn't seem to be doing much good. It really just trimmed. Actually, it was beginning to take the shape of a lion. That was entirely too strange for L to handle, animals were not meant to be made of leaves! He chopped it up until he was in the middle of a pile of leaves. A clear path was cut toward the tower.

L grinned to himself. It hadn't been that hard.

He walked right up to the tower, only to realize then he didn't have any way to reach the top. It was rather high up, and after having to come to the realization that he couldn't fly up to the window, he sat down and angrily threw rocks at passing mice. He was a knight. Knights did not run into road blocks. Knights were able to climb tall towers through convient plot holes. Unfortunately for L though, a person with no sense of real faire-tale logic was writing.

As he was glaring at the tower as if he could climb it by eye power alone, a small girl skipped up to him in a red riding hood, carrying a basket of goodies.

"Hello mister knight, what are you doing here?"

L raised an eyebrow. Little children who asked question and carried baskets of goodies did not live long, for they also bothered knights.

Just interacting with knights if you weren't a damsel in distress was a death threat. Someone ought to tell them that there are more people in the world, but I suppose no one will, because knights are awfully scary in real life.

"Hello small child. Tell me, do you know, perhaps, how to reach the top of that tower?"

The girl frowned.

"What tower?"

L rolled his eyes and pointed upward at the tower in front of the two of them.

"That one."

The girl looked up and her face contorted into one of horror. She shrieked and collapsed in a faint. L stared at the unconscious girl and poked her with his boot. She remained motionless. He sighed and looked back up at the tower. What sort of monstrous being lived up there if a little girl was frightened of it?

"Don't worry about that. The entire village has a fear of tall towers and princess/princes."

L looked over to see a faire floating above the still body of the red riding hood girl. He had on black leather pants, boots, a shirt, and black leather belts that numbered in the infinities. His blonde hair was cut in a vaguely feminine style, curling in at the shoulder and his eyes were the kind of eyes that freaked young women and babies out because of there severity. He cut quite a frightening figure.

Of course, L was a knight, so he couldn't care less.

"That is quite irrational if you ask me."

The faire cocked his head the side in a confused manner.

"But I didn't ask you."

L sighed loudly and placed his hand over his eyes.

"It's a figure of speech. Often the social norm for figures of speech is for them to be confusing, but it is also a social norm for the person who is receiving the figure of speech to go along with the confusing nature of the figure of speech for the sake of politeness."

The faire tapped a finger to his chin and nodded a few times Then he stuck out his hand for L to shake.

"Name's Mello. I work for the branch of the Evil Faire Protection Team that helps knights, princes, peasants, etc. get to the prince/princess. We don't have a name yet, because we're a very recent addition to the team. It took the original branch a few years before realizing that it wasn't quite possible to both save the prince/princess and help the knight, prince, peasant, etc at the same time. We're fairies, not 100 armed monsters. That's Greek mythology and we don't work with that branch much after their civilization crumbled and the Romans came and stole all their ideas. Anyway, I'm here to help you climb this tower and rescue the princess/prince."

After the long and somewhat unnecessary tangent, the faire pulled out his wand and waved it around a bit before chanting loudly a spell;

"The knight here has no way to climb,

The princess/prince biding their time,

So this spell shall help the knight,

Kiss the boy and make it right."

With that a puff of smoke rose from the wand and a ladder appeared simultaneously with it. L nodded his thanks to the faire and began to climb up the ladder. He was stopped half way up by the faire's voice.

"Oh, and if you could, please fill out the comments/complaints card next to the sleeping guy. We're always trying to improve the service of our team for the benefit of our customers."

One thing L knew for sure was that he was marking all 3s on that card. The service had been terrible and he hoped they at least made up for it in the attractiveness of the princess/prince. He was not going to have ridden his horse the six feet he did for a gross monster thing.

Knights weren't exactly the kindest people in all the land, but if you were a knight, you would be rude too, just for the sake of being rude. Not that I'm judging you, or assuming that all knights are rude, perverted, sadists like our knight here, but I believe it is a fair assumption to say that most are as rude, perverted, and sadistic as L. Sad, but a truth that can not be avoided, even if you live in an underground hole, which I assume most of you don't. Or, at least, I hope you don't.

During this, Light was still sleeping, now dreaming pleasantly. Here is what he was dreaming about;

A very handsome knight riding up to his tower, on a horse quick as lightning (which if this was thought over, would be theoretically impossible because the speed would cause the horse to burn up, but, this is a faire tale, so no one really was paying attention while writing this), knowing in his heart that his true love slept in the tall tower. He cut through the rose bush with ease and climbed up the tower fast as he could.

Softly, the knight came in and saw him sleeping in his bed, his hands daintily folded and his lips red as roses. The knight knew that he was his true love and kissed his lips.

Oh, it was a very nice dream.

Meanwhile, in real life, L was climbing through the window of the tower. He looked around. He was in a dusty room, full of ugly, dusty furniture, with one small bed that lying upon it was a beautiful princess/prince. L grinned. The climb had been totally worth it, because he was going to make out with that hot person. He enjoyed these moments, in which being a knight with his knightliness paid off in being able to snog with people who were sleeping. Ahem, let my correct myself.

Snog with hot, sexy people who were sleeping. Sorry, the way I explained it sounded creepy, this is much better. Kissing just anyone is not the same as kissing a person with above average looks. I suppose it's a faire tale thing.

He clamored over to the bed that held the princess/prince, making sure to knock down several things in the process. Slowly he knelt down next to the bed and felt a thing in his heart. A different thing. A special thing. A thing he'd never felt before.

He shrugged. Indigestion probably. Nodding to himself, he leaned down and met his lips with the ones of the princess/prince.

It was a scene, so romantic, so beautiful, so incredibly wondrous and magical that it caused long dead love to come to life again, it made criminals weep, and somewhere, a young girl by the name of Misa sat down on her bed and screamed loudly that her life was over for several hours without knowing why. Light's eyes fluttered open and L smiled at the elegance of the princess/prince's first gaze at his true love. It was truly a faire tale sort of ending.

Light's first thoughts upon waking:

'How the hell is that creepy guy smiling at me?'

Then he remembered that he had been asleep and this was his true love. No, no, no, NO. This was not a knight in shining armor at all; this was some sort hideous joke. Please let it have been some horrible joke Light prayed. He did not spend half of his adolescent years in a gd tall tower to be greeted with this when he woke up.

L smiled and stroked the side of Light's face lovingly. Oh he was definitely putting all 5s on the comments/complaints card.

"Good morning princess/prince. I'm your true love."

Light then let loose the very un-princessy shriek that he had been holding in the entire time he had been shoved in the tower, taunted by Kira, inconvienced by the faires and having his dreams of true love utterly crushed by the stupid grinning freak who was continually touching him.

"YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT! I WILL GO TO HELL AND BACK BEFORE I EVEN THINK ABOUT LETTING YOU SIR TOUCH, UNCLOTH, OR EVER LAY A KISS ON MY LIPS! I DID NOT SPEND AT LEAST 10 YEARS IN A TOWER WISHING FOR A CHARMING AND 'HANDSOME' KNIGHT TO SAVE TO HAVE YOU, YOU RACOON EYED FREEEAK, CRUSH ALL MY CHANCE OF TRUE ETERNAL LOVE! UH-UH BUDDY THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!"

And with that, Light slammed himself down on the bed, shut his eyes, and stuck his lips back out. L frowned and pouted.

"What are you doing?" he asked sulkily. Light groaned and whispered out of the side of his mouth.

"I'm pretending to still be asleep so that when my real knight in shining armor comes, I'll be ready."

"What if I am your knight in shining armor?!"

Light cracked open one eye and looked L up and down. Then he laughed, which was very demoralizing for L.

"Before you ask that, you may want to take a look in the mirror, because you are in desperate need of some sort of beauty product."

L frowned again and was about to counter the statement with a retort when, all of a sudden, Kira made his much dreaded appearance. Kira, honestly, had the crappiest timing of all time.

"You, knight who is very ugly in your appearance," Kira bellowed (because talking in a library voice was physically impossible for Kira) while L muttered about how everyone seemed to be ragging on his appearance, "You have interfered with my plans for the last time!"

L looked puzzled.

"But this is the first time I've interfered with your plans."

Kira sighed and made large gestures with his hands.

"Yes, but you see, I said it for dramatic effect. Like when one says that they've had enough, when really they haven't."

L tapped a finger to his chin.

"Well, yes, but you see, if you say that, then it implies something that isn't true and that seems…"

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH."

Kira and L looked at Light, who by this time was seething with rage.

"Look, I'm sick of letting you idiots decide what happens to me. Nothing you do does any good. You people and your crap choices are what have gotten me into alllll these situation that I wouldn't be in if I had done what I knew was right. So now, I'm going to do what I want, not what you want, and god damn it, I'm going to do it in this ruffled red dress!"

With that, Light grabbed L's sword from its sheath, and then stabbed Kira right through the chest. He continued to stab Kira's body in rage.

"This is for trapping me in a tower, this is for ruining my sixteenth birthday cake, this is for forcing me to wear dresses for my teenaged years, and this…"

He said, driving one last time into Kira and then leaning close to his face;

"..is for calling me princess."

He whipped around and cocked his eyebrow at L, as if to dare him to say anything.

L grinned.

"You're sexy when you're angry."

Light smiled cutely and twirled the sword innocently.

"Thank you, you are very kind."

"Can I have my sword back now?"

"No, I don't think I want to give it back."

L's eyes widened and he scooted away a bit from the princess/prince. Maybe allowing such an angry person to have weapon wasn't such a good idea.

Then again, L had had the sword first, so his judgment wasn't the best anyway.

end chapter four

A.N. Aha! True Love at last. Or so Light hopes not. Anyhoo, sorry this took soooo long. I could not think of ideas. Plus I was being a lazy butt and playing Guitar Hero instead of working on this.

Heh, I listened to Wicked songs and Avenue Q songs. I'm sorry, but '.What is this Feeling' in Wicked seems like a perfect song for L and Light

Anyway, Yay for Light taking control of the situation. I don't care how many of you are all 'But he and L are meant to be! Why is he being so mean?'. If you woke up from your true love sleep to have this L person hanging over you with this creepy grin, you would be pissed too. Geez, Light didn't know that his Prince Charmin' wasn't so, um, charmin'. Oh well, he's stuck with him.

Please review or Light will take out his bottled up anger on you…