She doesn't know if she should be surprised to hear that Stella has been back in town for two days.
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She doesn't go to see her, she doesn't even get angry about it, nor mad.
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Not even upset or slighted.
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In some weird way, it makes sense that Stella didn't or wouldn't tell her. They don't talk about much when they occasionally text. They say even less on the rare phone calls, late at night. Short calls with short words. They don't bother to put words to shades of emotions that hover between and around them. It is, Reed thinks as she begins the first incision on her latest patient, like trying to pick out where the yellow ends and the orange begins in a sunset. It's futile - why not enjoy the sunset and accept it for what it is? Having children has been a bit of a reality check, she finds; you don't waste energy with needless worrying when you have so much legitimate worrying to do. She knows she can accept their nebulous relationship for what it is. She can accept that Stella wants to fuck her, and she has come to accept the fact that she wants to be fucked by Stella. It is entirely Stella who is unsure or unable to accept their friendship. Her texts are distant, her calls encrypted with some emotional code that she doesn't know how to decipher.
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So she doesn't.
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She doesn't have the time for it. When (and if) Stella is ready, she knows where to find her. Tanya has her own problems and she'd rather not seek out others if she can help it. In this case, her husband finalizing their divorce. It's not as if she doesn't want it, but he's seeking joint custody of Ellie and she doesn't know what to think. She's mulling this over as she goes through the examination of the body when she hears a knock at the observation window - Stella. She motions for her to come in.
"Hello stranger." Stella drawls, as if it's Tanya who's been away and she's the one who's stayed.
"Hello you, I was wondering when I'd see you." She smiles, even though she knows it's hidden my the face mask. "What brings you back? The trial's not for another few months?"
"Some work - the Crown needed to review a few things." Stella leans against the counter and Tanya can't help but notice her, the line of her leg, the hem of her skirt, the softness of her blouse, the grin across her face. "Who's this?"
"Missing person - Nigel Lowrey - thought to have drowned but there's some suspicious marks so here we are."
"Here we are."
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Stella watches Reed work for a few moments before she speaks.
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"Fancy grabbing dinner tomorrow?"
"What about tonight?"
"I have plans." No unnecessary details. No need to ask.
"Sure then. How 'bout you pop round instead?" Tanya offers, "I can pull something together. Toast soldiers?"
"My favorite."
"I gathered."
"Well, I should leave you be. Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow. You can tell me what that grin is for then."
"I don't know what you mean." Stella deadpans, raising an eyebrow and then turning on her heel and walking out the room.
.
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She waves Stella into her office the next day without looking up from her paperwork. While she's determined to finish her thought before she faces the other woman, she can't help but be distracted by the step, step, step of shoes on lino.
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She finishes her work and puts down her pen.
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She's ready.
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"Hello you."
"Hello." Stella's still looking at the books on the walls, mostly dull textbooks, with the occasional children's book she'd kept in case the girls had a last minute visit.
"So I have a situation."
"Yours?" She turns around, holding a well-loved copy of 'The Enchanted Wood' between her palms.
"ELiza's." Tanya says. "Ellie finds it boring."
"Boring? How can any child find Take-What-You-Want and Do-As-You-Please boring?"
"I will leave it to the two of you to discuss the finer points of children's literature."
"And when will we do that?" She asks, suddenly wary.
"What a brilliant segue into that situation I mentioned."
"Which is?"
"Ellie's supposed to go to her father's tonight. But (and this is my fault), when I mentioned I was seeing you, she…got very excited."
"About?"
"You. Seeing you again. I don't know if you know this Stella," Tanya begins, pushing her chair back from the desk and watching at the woman at the shelf, "You practically hang the moon for her."
"An exaggeration I'm sure." Stella turns to file the book back on the shelf. "What did you want to do?"
"Would you be open to an early dinner before her father picks her up?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"You said it yourself that you've never known me to lie."
"Yes, well I was lying when I said that." Tanya hopes the joke lands. It's hard to tell with the other woman's back still to her. Stella's holding her body in such a stiff way that it hurts her just to watch. "You don't have to, you know, if you don't want to."
"I've said yes. If I didn't want to, I'd have said no."
"This is what worries me." Reed admits, pursing her lips slightly.
"And this is why women, on a whole, confuse me." Stella replies, turning around. The smile on her lips doesn't quite reach her eyes however.
"Skipping over the misogynistic implications of that comment, aren't you a woman?"
"Sometimes I wonder." There is no emotion, no fluctuation of voice, nothing to suggest a meaning other than exactly what was said.
"You're serious, aren't you?"
"Why does it worry you? My being alright with Eleanor joining us?" Head cocked, eyes narrowing slightly."
"Well, you're certainly putting me through some paces here Stella. Remind me not to get on the other side of an interrogation table from you. This…isn't what I wanted to ask, nor where I wanted to ask, and certainly not when I wanted to ask, but…" She takes a moment, the same moment she takes before she does her first incision, the same moment she does before she gets on her bike. The moment she takes to centre herself. "What are we doing? You and I, I mean?"
"Tanya?"
"Because Ellie likes you. And I like you. I like you very much."
"But?"
"I don't want to lie to my children, and I don't want them to get hurt." She sees a flash of worry cross the other woman's face and then it's gone. The rigidness of her shoulders has returned again. "When you leave, I mean. Or when you're done."
"Oh." The other woman's shoulders loosen up, her eyes darken. "Usually this conversation comes up later."
"You've had it often?"
"Haven't you heard? I'm irresistible." She deadpans once more.
"I can't read you."
"How's this?" She locks eyes with Reed. "When I say something, you can trust that it's the truth. In this case, we don't lie to Eleanor, and we don't let her get hurt if we can help it." Stella takes a step forward and Tanya'd stomach flips. "If she asks, we say I'm a friend." She watches Stella as she steps closer. "We are, aren't we? Friends?" She herself takes a final step towards the smaller woman and they're all but brushing one another. She can smell Stella's scent and prays that Stella herself can't smell the antiseptic scent that lingers around her after an autopsy.
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Reed nods at the question.
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She needs Stella to kiss her.
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If she could think properly, she would unpack that, remind herself that she would merely like for Stella to kiss her, that it's not a biological imperative or necessity to be kissed by Stella Gibson.
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But she can't think properly so all she can do is think about how she needs Stella to kiss her. She needs Stella to kiss her. She needs Stella to kiss her.
.
"Good." Stella speaks, pulling Tanya from her thoughts. "Then we are friends. That's what we are." She steps back. "I need to finish some paperwork. I'll see you tonight then." And with that, Stella is gone and Tanya is left alone in her office, flush with desire, wishing she were at home, able to take care of the throbbing in her body.
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Sometimes she really hates being friends with Stella Gibson.
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Dinner is a calm affair. Or, as calm as it can be with Ellie's rapid fire conversation. She's eager to catch Stella up on everything since she last saw her.
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Stella, for her part, does admirably in her efforts to keep up with the child. It's not until she sends her daughter upstairs to fetch her bag, are the two women left alone. "You've recovered then?" Stella asks, sitting on a stool by the counter, cradling her glass of wine.
"Not sure what you mean."
"You were red-cheeked when I left your office. I was afraid you may have been getting sick Doctor." She takes a sip of her wine.
"Again," Tanya begins to wipe the counters down for a second time, "Not sure what you mean."
"Well, it suited you." She spies Ellie nearing the doorway with her overnight bag. "You Ms Miss, and I need to have a talk about 'The Enchanted Wood'. Don't make that face! Your mother says you find it dull and I demand an explanation."
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A quick triple tap on a car horn interrupts the conversation before it can go any further.
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"That'll be your father. Say goodbye to Stella." A blur in the kitchen as Ellie drops her bags, hugs the woman at the counter then runs back to her bag. "Bye Stella! I'll see you soon!"
"Have a good evening Hatchling!" Stella replies, attempting to cover her surprise at the unexpected show of affection from the child. "I'll be back in a minute Stell, I just want to see her off." Mother and daughter head out, leaving the other woman alone in the kitchen. She listens to Reed's last minute warnings and reminders to mind her father, brush her teeth, not stay up until sunrise, not to let her father watch anything scary. She focuses on this instead of the thoughts that are running around her mind. If she keeps focusing on the words being spoken on the other side of the door, she can convince herself that her own thoughts are no different than an underwater roar.
She takes a sip of wine.
She hears the front door slam, another round of beeping from the car, then silence.
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She wonders if Reed's on the other side of wall, having a moment similar to her.
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"Did I call you Stell?" Reed asks, finally walking in.
"Yes, I believe you did." She takes another sip of wine. "El get off alright?"
"Yes, apparently they're off to the cinema. Not sure where that came from."
"The cinema?"
"Calling you Stell. Is that alright?"
"It's been a while since I've been called that. You're nervous."
"Why do you say that?"
"You've already wiped that counter. Twice actually."
"Oh."
"Oh." Stella repeats, taking another sip of wine.
"Why are you so calm? How are you so calm?"
"Why shouldn't I be? Are we waiting for something?"
"I don't know Stella, are we?"
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The question hangs in the air between them. What are they waiting for? What are they playing at?
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"Well." Stella rises from her seat. "Thank you for dinner, I'm a little disappointed there were no toast soldiers, but the rest was all lovely."
"Are you leaving?"
"I think it's for the best, don't you?" She smiles, not unkindly, and leaves the kitchen. "Have you seen my purse?"
"In my office I think." She waits a moment then… "I thought you would stay a little longer." She moves to the front hall, watching Stella slip into her trench. God, how the woman managed to look like a Burberry ad at all times was infuriating.
"Did you?"
"I thought we would…"
"We would what, Tanya?"
"You know."
"No, I don't."
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Another stand off.
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"Why is this so hard?"
"I don't know."
"Sex ruins everything and we haven't even had any."
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Stella laughs, loudly - or perhaps it's loud because the rest of the house is so quiet.
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"We don't have to have sex. I'm not here for that, Tanya. Well…" She smiles slyly,"I'm not here for just that. There's more to me than sex. I just happen to enjoy it. A lot. I'm good at it. Great, even."
"And if I'm not?" Tanya asks, moving closer to Stella.
"Then we practice. Although…" They meet in the middle of the hall, not quite touching, not quiet apart. "I find those who are most concerned are the ones who have the least to worry about. Now…" A pause and a breath. "I can leave, or I can stay, Tanya. It really is up to you."
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Reed can't tear her eyes away from Stella's lips.
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She wants to unwrap the other woman's coat and blouse and armor and skin until she's at the heart of her, until she can see everything that makes her laid out before her. She wants to kiss her once more.
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So she does.
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She kisses her firmly, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her close until they're pressed together. Just the feel of Stella this close sends her spinning and reeling. She hears the other woman gasp slightly at the contact - pulling back to look at her, truly look at her. Her lips apart, her chest rising and falling rapidly, her. There's a sound, almost animalistic, almost a growl as Stella brings their mouths together again, tangling one hand in Tanya's hair and using the other to scramble at the hem of her shirt until she can slip between the cotton and the skin.
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Smooth.
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That's all Stella can think of, repeating it over and over in her head until the word loses all meaning and becomes a mantra.
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Smooth. Smooth. Smooth.
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Her purse falls to the floor. Reed claws at her trench and manages to help pull it off. "Upstairs." She hears the other woman moans, so she kicks off her heels and let's Reed guide her to the stairs, their mouths still on one another and their hands still on one another's bodies.
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They don't make it half way up the first time she makes Reed climax.
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One hand down her waistband, her mouth on a particularly sensitive part of her clavicle. She can hear Reed whimper her name, as though the closer she gets to the peak, the quieter she gets until her whole body goes rigid beneath the ministrations of the other woman and then slack.
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She feels Reed go loose around fingers, around her body. She feels her breathing slowly return to normal. She tries to shift her hand out but stops at Reed's whisper for just another minute like this.
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Tanya wants to hold onto this for a moment more. It's been so long since she's felt this full. Not just of Stella, but of anyone. It's been so long since she's been fucked - since someone has wanted her so badly they couldn't wait to get to the closest horizontal surface and had to have her right here and right now.
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"Hi." Stella whispers when she finally opens her eyes.
"Hi." She repeats, smiling widely.
"You alright?"
"Again." She commands, bringing their lips together once more.