Hellish Mines
Amidst Natla's mines our ever suicidal adventurer dodged several rolling rocks of doom when she soon faced this cowboy-hat-wearing dude. He was busy scratching his ass, being too close from one of those holes in the ground giving to deadly pools of lava. How idiosyncratic. This could have been just great, to silently walk up behind him and shove his poor ass to certain death; unfortunately Croft lost foot on a slope hence gave away her presence. The cowboy turned around, dumbfounded with an index still up his nose, but quickly stopped his little personal self-exploration to grab his cowboy-guns.
He motioned to her, « Ain't nothin' personal. »
« With an annoying accent like that, I guarantee you that it's quite contrary for me. Plus you stole my handguns; death wish. »
Took him a while before he died despite constantly riddling his body with tons of bullets, but when he did he barely made a sound. In fact his ''scream'' was one of someone tranquil sitting down for tea while softly sighing of relief after a hard day of work. Quite strange since she had expected him to shriek like the insignificant dumb piece of shit that he was. He did die face first with his legs funnily spread apart like some retard, making her laugh; but also dropped a pair of magnums identical to the ones Pierre had left behind. Who knows what that signified, what had been going on between the two... Well too bad he didn't scream horribly since it would have been almost orgasmic, nonetheless she still shoved his stinking corpse into the highly lethal pool below, giving him the middle finger. Lara then pursued her dangerous wanderings among bubbling lava, nearly catching on fire from small fireballs bursting here and there. «Minecraft! » What was more amazing was her remarkable aptitude not to die upon contact with magma as she shimmered across dangerous gaps. Again, Lara Croft, she can do that.
With all these physical feats, she got hungry and sat down with a bag of sausages, cooking some above the orange pool. The gentle bubbling and popping of the extremely hot liquid was almost soothing, lest someone stood too close or slipped in. The idea brought back sweet justice to her mind as she thought about the latest cowboy's amusing demise. But Lara was always careful, so when she smelled material burning Croft realized it'd be wise not to settle her feet that close from the edge; this wasn't a fire you stretched you cold feet towards.
After her little snack she threw the plastic bag into the flood, when it crackled and exploded violently she jumped back eyeing the lava with horror.
«…..fuck's sake, what was in that bag….? »
She carefully made her way around and ran off.
Our Tomb Exploder then found some huge TNT boxes, again, Minecraft. After playing with them a while she pulled a switch which blew them all up; quite fun and not worthless since it allowed her to reach her next destination. It led to a 'fight' with that obnoxious teen riding a skateboard, taking his hobby to a new dangerous level seeing how his personal skate park had been built; high as fuck with lava below to ensure that if he were to fall and survive, the orange lake of doom would correct the mistake.
The overconfident twit rolled passed her, equipped with his Uzis which were pink, « You're firin' at me, huh? YA FIRIN' AT MEH?! Ain't nobody else so ya must be firin' at meee! »
Lara pondered whether he was twelve years old and why in the fuck Natla hired him in the first place. He dashed passed her yelling «I have several pogo sticks up my butt! » It barely took ten seconds for him to die as he stupidly tried to skate around whilst firing whereas Croft was dodging him easily. He died dramatically with the hand-towards-the-sky cliché while sitting in a flack of his own piss. Ironically, his white t-shirt had a '1' printed on it, «More like number last. » She then picked up his Uzis, grabbed his skateboard and bashed it on his head a couple of times, next rolled his body off a ledge then watched him burn. Yeah, she liked doing that and you can be sure the others will taste the same end, which she already relished in.
After dodging more angry-lava in their must-destroy-Lara fashion, plus additional boulders that looked like spherical Doritos; she then faced the tall black guy and he was shooting at Croft with her own shotgun. Yes she had taken it from some dead dude back there in Jurassic Age, but it's not like he needed it anymore so it's definitely hers now. Plus she had carved her initials on the length of it after she had defeated that T-Rex, sat next to the beast and ate some of its tasty flesh.
Croft dashed his way whilst firing, «I'm going to make chocolate out of you! »
His line wasn't so cool though, «Say cheeeese! »
Why in the fuck would she say that…? Lara made a weird face before shooting loads of ammo in his. So the gorilla returned fire but the woman wasn't concerned as the shells pierced her skin and tore her organs at close range like that. Damn and isn't he tall, Lara's face was barely arriving up at his knees….No matter, Uzis in the face does the job; he eventually died letting out a regretful, «Cock sucker! », that had sounded like 'cunt sucker' seeing he have had his mouth full of bullets at the time.
Croft stared at his corpse, «Now now, that's no way to refer to yourself. »
The bleeding victor then proceeded of robbing him of what was rightfully hers and then rid him of all his clothing for further humiliation. She would remember this day as how she defeated all of Natla's stupid puppets plus left their bodies to rot in random places, especially one she abandoned naked just in front of that metal-pyramid structure that is probably sacred land for that wannabe porn star. Take that.
Breaking her way inside aforementioned pyramid, Croft ended in a totally fucked up world where some walls and floors were made of pulsating flesh; plus yellow cocoons glued to surfaces would always burst open freeing many, MANY, I'll-just-explode-your-limbs-off-with-mine welcoming parties. Lara wouldn't admit it out loud but after being on such a hard diet this meat right here did seem deliciously edible.
«Where's the lava when you need it? »
Croft shook an angry fist at the ceiling; a bat saw that and looked at her as if she was daft then dropped a couple of feces right next to her. A cocoon also exploded in her face and her eardrums were immediately perforated thanks to the creature it had released. Some of those cocoon-freed monsters had wings, one would think it could help into chasing her down and it did; unlike presently when she was running through a narrow corridor and said winged creature came from above only to get stuck in it. So it kept flapping its wings in there, going up and down through the ceiling with no means of escaping this purgatory for all eternity. Croft eventually stopped firing at it and stared, «…I'll, just leave you to it then. Have fun. », and left.
The woman ended in a huge square place, it went for miles above and ended below in a gigantic pool of lava, «Clearly this magma just wants my bloody autograph. » She had to jump from small ledges to others in order to advance through it all while avoiding being chopped by defective mechanical doors equipped with sharp teeth. Well since she isn't Pierre she couldn't afford to just stand there as it violently opened and closed else she'd die; though it wouldn't seem to hurt since she'd only utter a soft 'ouh' if it happened. Perhaps she enjoyed it savagely ripping through her flesh, who knows; I know I do. Croft eyed the surroundings, «If only I had wings, could skip all this waste of time and fly right to the top…. but really though, what kind of maniac built this damn place. »
Well taking the long way around she got mercilessly assaulted by endless armies of fleshy-bony monsters making her almost lose the little bit of sanity she had left. They were a total pain in the ass, every single one screaming so annoyingly her ears would bleed and they kept jumping all around like drug addicts making it very difficult to aim at them, plus pushed her off ledges again so it would often result in her death. With foam at the corners of her mouth she yelled to their corpses, «Because 7777 THOUSANDS OF YOU FUCKS ISN'T ENOUGH! »
In her despair she avoided more lava which either broke some glasses to pieces, being truly passionate to reach her boots, or ended in a tiny corridor facing some more that just waited for her to pull a certain lever resting close to it. Lara stared at the deadly orange liquid, then at the lever and back on the lava, «Of course I could be wrong but this doesn't seem the least bit safe. », the magma quietly disagreed and remained still but visibly anxious to set her aflame at once. The soon-to-be-barbequed woman glanced its way one more time, «… Fuck it. » and went back from where she came before jumping through a hole above.
Poor, poor lethal lava; it's always so damn hard to befriend anyone and miserably impossible to hug them.
Meanwhile we have a quick look at Natla who holds the reunited SeeOn, she walks to a platform and tries to put the object in its middle but gets electrified, the shock sends her flying backward where she hits her head hard on the wall. If the blow had been cushioned by her chest she would have been fine but no, tough luck, or karma. Pick one.
The more our still-friendless adventurer deepened into madness-land the more she had to face many contraptions all at once, «It's like they're all teaming up to kill me. », she avoided more arrows shot by the walls and a Doritos-boulder rolling through one of those sharp-doors. Then one fleshy creature neared that door but naturally was not harmed in the least as it stood within and shot darts in her face. It blew up almost tearing her head off, sending her into those flying arrows which pierced one of her eyes and stuck in her pointy breasts. «Phew, good thing I'm not Natla else they would have deflated. »
In the next room she now faced two switches and right below them stood two traps, «That's totally safe of course. », dodged another boulder and jumped over additional fatal pits, yet discovering more cocoons, «Fucking great… » Once done with so much goddamn jumping-cutting-assailing followed by countless explosions, something different did happen when Lara slid down into the adjacent area. Well she did have to kill three more of these fucking infuriating monsters but then was reunited with a fleshy-bony matrix of herself. She stared at it, «Fuck sake you could have at least landed me a hand seeing that you're equipped with invisible firearms. »
Every movements Lara did, the intricate clone would recreate, though direction were reversed. Croft saw that she had to maneuver so the replica would walk to that trap in the floor, throw the switch and provoke its demise so that the Tomb Replicated could advance forward. She was having a good time though and decided not to get rid of her look-alike so soon. When she poked her on the arm, Lara felt the pressure on her own; she then started scratching the duplicate's back to relieve her own itch. Croft then started dancing with her replica, doing gymnastics and giggling like a kid; happily no one was there to witness this. Then they sat down and had some pizza, it was great finally having someone saying the same things she did plus agreeing on everything.
Well entertainment can't last forever so Lara embraced herself, rather tried to touch her clone while letting out some 'ouh, ouh!' because it apparently tickled; and finally sacrificed her double so that the door would open. Forfeiting herself in such a way had been hard; she saluted the fleshy being reverently and left. Sometimes you can only count on yourself to have things done…..
This time, flashback into Natla's past, her own people locking her up in some machine that will keep her trapped. Turns out she wasn't that dumb then, possibly being incarcerated in a cryogenic prison for who knows how long ruined some of her synapses. Two men, or something, faced her; both their faces concealed behind a strange mask that glowed green through the eye-portions and mouth whenever they talked. Though only TheOweCan has insect-like limbs stuck to his back that allows movements without his feet touching the ground.
Natla stirred in there vainly, « You can't do this. »
QuoiLowPeck approached her soon-to-be cage of glass, «We have the technology. »
« No I mean you can't because you're idiots! »
« We sentence you to eons of nearly-death experience in a freezing stanza, because it is far more merciful and logical than killing you; killing is bad. Plus if we kill you, you might not be able to come back someday to seek revenge, thus planning continuity on your evil plan. »
The other man neared her too, «That's right, we never fail at logic. »
Natla spat, « TheOweCan! You still owe me money from that last poker game, you cheating robot-face! »
« Stop squirming. »
« This thing is really uncomfortable, why don't you try it out!? »
«Natla, you, err….», TheOweCan looked down at a sheet of paper he'd been holding, «Oh, right: you used our brilliant technology to create freaks while it is clearly testified in the book of Holly Golden Pyramid that it should never be used to birth atrocities.»
She snickered, «Your own aside…? Pff, I read that book, there is no line in there that implies this. »
QuoiLowPeck intervened, « It does now. », tossing a ball pen away.
She lunged forward at him though her restraints held her, « You fucking bastard! When I come back I'll pull each of your limb off one by one and eat chips in your face while you suffer; both from loss of limbs but also the inability to relish the taste of goody potatoes in your mouth! »
«How ? You'll be imprisoned in solid ice. »
TheOweCan waved an arm, «Enough of this waste of time, I've got a game to finish; QuoiLowPeck, you're going down. »
The other man now looked his way, «How? »
The woman glared, «Look at you, not a squirt of yummy juicy brain matter in your skulls; wasters. »
The longer limbs shook disapprovingly, «Spare me your elaborate…errr….elaboration. »
QuoiLowPeck threw him a thumb-up with a most-cheesy smile even though the latter went unnoticed due to the mask.
The captive spoke icily, «You're not safe, you and your weird-ass designs on this damn stinky continent full of brain dead fucks that can't even bear proper poker faces—! »
The machine finished imprisoning her at that moment, the two men walked off; well one of them did physically walk.