[Chapter Rated]: PG-13ish (pretty tame)

[Chapter Warnings]: Language, spoilers on Eiri's past, angst, incestuous kissing

[Pairings]: Eiri x Shuichi, Tatsuha x Eiri, Tatsuha x Shuichi, eventual Tatsuha x Eiri x Shuichi? WHO KNOWS. :]

[Disclaimer]: The characters in this piece belong to Maki Murakami and co.

[Author's Notes]: The timeline is set at some arbitrary time mid-series within the manga/anime. Title inspired by the song with the same name by The All-American Rejects.

This chapter's a little bit fucked up. ^^ Hope you enjoy!

Dirty Little Secret

-Chapter 4-

Eiri was prepared for the day to be potentially hazardous after their note-passing took a wrong turn. He was prepared to confront Tatsuha if he had to, to explain what he'd meant by "Maybe I do" and save them both from embarrassment, to discover what Tatsuha meant in his own enigmatic responses, to finally unveil the mystery of what was going on in his brother's head. He was prepared for all of that by the time he finished washing up that morning, albeit after taking his time.

Only, none of those things happened, because Tatsuha suddenly started avoiding him.

His brother remained elusive for the rest of that day, like he had the evening before after the most awkward dinner ever. But his silence stretched on for days. Tatsuha disappeared out the door most mornings for school before Eiri even had a chance to wake up, and returned home late after spending his evenings in the temple. His plans seemed perfectly orchestrated around Eiri's schedule, as Eiri kept missing him by minutes. Tatsuha was definitely avoiding him.

So the troubled novelist resorted to previous tactics. After a couple of days, he taped a new note to Tatsuha's door for his brother to read when he woke up the next morning:

"What the hell happened? You never responded to my last message. I thought we were having fun passing notes."

Eiri gratefully awoke to a message. He'd been almost worried Tatsuha would avoid talking to him through that medium too, but was pleased Tatsuha found this a safe enough method to share his feelings.

"Been busy. Stop toying around with me. What did you mean in your last note? Maybe I do?"

Sighing, Eiri responded:

"I don't know.

What did you mean by wanting something you couldn't have?"

Tatsuha didn't answer until late that evening:

"I don't know."

They were clearly getting nowhere. Eiri groaned when realizing he would have to talk to Tatsuha face-to-face to get anything meaningful out of him. Considering that he was on vacation, he had all the time in the world to do just that, so the prospect hardly bothered him. But Tatsuha was making himself purposefully unavailable these days. Eiri reluctantly guessed why.

Birds squawked loudly against the horizon as the first signs of dusk settled over the Buddhist temple. The descending sun cast long, dark shadows across the marble floors. Under the awning, Tatsuha ignored the unpleasant serenade of restless birds and instead focused his attention to the rhythmic sweeps of his broom as he cleared debris off the steps. Each stroke caused long, coarse bristles to squeal in unison past his sandaled feet, and dust and sand lifted off the marble in an aersol cloud before settling into the grass outside the temple. The repetitive motion put him in a calming trance.

Then he frowned, losing focus as his sweeping became more irregular. Eiri had walked in on him jerking off to his boyfriend! Tatsuha wasn't sure if his brother even realized entirely what he saw, but he had let his guard down stupidly and now Eiri was unquestionably suspicious. But of what?

"Is there something you want to tell me?" Eiri had asked. Just how much did Eiri know? How much could Tatsuha still get away with at this point?

"You don't know what it's like to want something you can't have." "Maybe I do." What did that mean? Did Eiri miss Shuichi, who was touring thousands of miles away? Did Eiri miss an ex? Was he craving a new lover? Was he craving the same thing Tatsuha was craving?

There were too many questions without answers swarming Tatsuha's anxious and addled brain.

He thought he might have been able to clear some of them up when Eiri reached out to him again that week with a note. Though he knew he was being childish by avoiding direct conversation, at least this way Tatsuha thought over his responses before putting his foot in his mouth again, and was thankful Eiri at least understood his need for discretion until he sorted things out. But their second note-passing experience only confused him more. More questions, no answers.

Tatsuha wanted so badly to confess to Eiri, to confess to someone the nature of his feelings. His most personal secret. He hated keeping secrets. He wanted so badly to not hide anymore, and to express himself the way he wanted. Suppressing feelings as intense as his were drove him mad. Tatsuha thought for a while growing up, and felt it again this past week, that he was honestly going crazy. But even so, he knew he was glossing over the part that was really crazy…

Was it wrong to be in love with someone you couldn't have? Oh, yes. When that person was your brother.

"Why me?" Tatsuha heard himself blurt out loud, the pitiful words falling from his pursed lips as they trembled just slightly. He froze, checking again to make sure he was alone; the temple visitors had long gone for the evening, and he was only left with the birds. No one had heard the strain in his voice, the pitch escalating just a bit towards the end as his throat closed up. His eyes were now burning with water, and the fine lines of the wood marking the handle of the broom blurred before him. A scalding hot tear fell from his eye. He couldn't believe he was actually crying over this now. "This must be what rock-bottom feels like…"

"No, rock-bottom is a lot shittier."

Tatsuha whipped around as fast as his heavy priest robes would allow, broom nearly falling from his hand.

Eiri stepped up under the awning of the temple, his own sandals clacking softly against the marble as he approached Tatsuha. He smoked down the rest of his cigarette, replacing his pack into the belt of his yukata like before. He eyed Tatsuha warily, tapping the ash away. "Hey."

Recovering from his initial shock, Tatsuha internally moved to a safer place and glared at his brother angrily. "I just fucking swept there! Go smoke outside, fucker!"

Eiri snuffed out the cigarette under his sandal and held his hands up in mock surrender. "Chill out. I'll take care of it. Care to spare a broom?"

Tatsuha's heart raced. Extending out his broom, he gave it away and moved down the porch to locate another in storage. "Whatever."

When he returned, Eiri had swept away the ash and was now clearing away the remaining sediment. Tatsuha took up a comfortable distance away from him, and soon they were sweeping in unison, enjoying tense but amicable company as they cleaned the temple in their last hour of light. All the while, feigning composure, Tatsuha couldn't help but wonder, Why is he here? What is he up to?

But leave it to Eiri to break an awkward silence. "So," the novelist began, continuing to sweep, "is Dad making you do chores again? Is that why you've awarded yourself a seat at rock-bottom?"

"Huh? No." Tatsuha faltered only slightly in his rhythm. He would be better today. He couldn't be so transparent if he was going to keep himself out of trouble. "I do this every night."

"Oh."

Another silence followed. Eiri hadn't pressed on about his admission of rock-bottom, which was relieving. Tatsuha focused his attention again on the broom, taking his mind to a different place. But the birds were still cawing in the distance, and they were so loud, Tatsuha was sure they were mocking him. Their calls were so clear, they could almost pass for words.

"So," Eiri began again. Tatsuha's fingers tightened around his broom, waiting for the inevitable. He knew it was coming now. "So, how is school?"

The younger brother blinked, bewildered. "U-uh, fine." Eiri, again, hadn't asked him what he thought he would ask him. Why are you avoiding me? Why are you lusting after me? Why do you love me like this? Nothing. "I have a math test tomorrow."

"Let me know if you need help studying."

"Okay."

Tatsuha was done with his end of the porch after another long stretch of silence. His anxiety had quickly dissipated as Eiri continued to keep quiet and leave him be, and in his own world, concentrating only on the sweeps of his broom and the scraping echo they made against the floor, Tatsuha could almost forget Eiri was there at all. He felt much better without all that pressure to hide.

"So," he heard over his shoulder, and the click of a lighter. Tatsuha turned around and found Eiri leaning against a pillar next to his forgotten broom, lighting a new cigarette.

"Huh?"

"Tats, why are you avoiding me?"

Eiri's words stabbed at him like a knife. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He steeled himself carefully before responding. "Wha? I don't know what you're talking about…" He resumed his sweeping, forcing himself to take even, relaxed strokes despite the adrenaline in his limbs itching for him to run away.

"Are we done with the juvenile games yet? I'm done passing notes."

"Hey! You were the one writing me a note this last time!"

"Only because you're avoiding me. Care to explain why or do I have to make guesses?"

Tatsuha glared hard at his brother. "What's it to you anyway? If I avoid you or not?"

Eiri's face remained serious as he said, "Well, I was looking forward to all this 'hardcore male bonding' you described and I'm afraid I'm disappointed by your efforts."

"I said I've been busy, okay? Sorry. I have a math test!"

"Yeah, I heard you. Now tell me the real reason."

"The real reason for what?"

"Why you're avoiding me, idiot. Can you keep up?"

"I'm not fucking avoiding you! What part of that didn't you understand?"

"I've had it, Tatsuha. Enough beating around the bush. I'm sawing the bush down. Just be honest for once."

"Honest about what?"

"I swear, you are legitimately retarded."

"Eiri…" Tatsuha started, the syllables burning his lips as they tumbled out. But before he could retaliate further, he saw his older brother advancing upon him. Tatsuha went completely rigid, knuckles white around the broom handle. He could feel the sleek wood sliding between his palms as he was heavily perspiring now, shifting uncomfortably in his thick robes as Eiri stopped just inches from him.

"Tatsuha," Eiri said, crossing his arms, the material of his yukata pulling away from his wrists as they stretched over a full chest, exposing milky white skin over smooth, artful hands. With this proximity, Tatsuha couldn't ignore him anymore, couldn't look away.

"Tatsuha," Eiri said again, facing his younger brother directly. He wouldn't be evaded anymore. "I'm not trying to provoke you."

"Well… you are!"

"I'm trying to help you, Tats."

"Help me?"

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, now can I?" He reached over and wrenched the abused broom free from Tatsuha's deathgrip, setting it aside.

The dark haired male mourned the loss of his broom to fiddle with as he was uncomfortably scrutinized by Eiri again. He'd always felt that his brother could see right through him, and that unnerved him. "I don't need help…"

Eiri chuckled softly, crossing his arms again. Tatsuha couldn't tear his eyes away from those milky white wrists. They were so delicate, belieing his brother's rather volatile demeanor. "Are you kidding me?" Eiri said, interrupting Tatsuha's helpless appreciation of his exposed skin. "Everyone in this family needs help. My question is, then," and he reached over to flick a strand of black hair from Tatsuha's eyes, "what is your crime?"

Tatsuha shied away from his brother's hand. "Leave me alone," he whispered, finally steering his gaze away.

Eiri ignored his soft plea. "What is it that you want but can't have? Is that what's been bothering you? Is it Shuichi?"

Sputtering, Tatsuha clenched his fists tightly at his sides, aching for the sound of the broom sweeping again to numb his mind. "What the hell – "

"You were moaning his name the other night while listening to his CD, weren't you? Do you do that every night?"

"Everyone's attracted to Shuichi. I don't see the big deal when – "

"Then is it me?"

"W-What? What?"

"You want to jump my bones? Is that it?"

Tatsuha opened his mouth to curse, but all he could manage was a strained, "Eiri, we're in a Buddhist temple. This is hardly the time and place for this conversation!"

"It's dark and no one is here. Dad's inside the house. This is the perfect time and place for this conversation."

"There's never a perfect time and place for this conversation!"

"And why is that, Tats?" Eiri's eyes were still bright despite the sun being mostly set, and the dark shadows filled in the empty spaces in Tatsuha's peripheral vision so that all he could see was Eiri.

His brother's blazing eyes met his and Tatsuha was held in place by them. Eiri was daring him to talk. He knew, he knew, he knew… "I'm gonna clock you if you don't get out of my face…"

"Just say it, Tats. You want to tell me."

That was an understatement. Tatsuha's whole body was alit with passion, with lust, with his desire that stood barely a foot from him, with anger, with humiliation. The words – they were just on the tip of his tongue. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth again, they would just topple out, so he bit his lip and kept quiet. He returned Eiri's gaze passively, remaining resolute in his silence.

Eiri stared him down. The blond could barely make out the blush on his brother's face in the shadows as dusk quickly swallowed up their light. During their heated exchange, Eiri hadn't even noticed when the birds stopped squawking. The only sound he could hear now was Tatsuha's labored breathing, so loud in the quiet stillness of the night. Not even the grasshoppers were out. He regarded his brother, and after some time, took a step back to give Tatsuha space. He turned just slightly to look out at the lawn, but he couldn't see more than a few feet before him, the rest enveloped in inky black.

When Eiri finally stepped away, Tatsuha exhaled shakily. He didn't even notice he'd been holding his breath. Perhaps that was why he started to sway, and his brain became fuzzy around the edges. Tatsuha felt his knees start to buckle beneath him, and against his better judgment, folded up and sat himself on the edge of one temple step. He never wanted Eiri to see him this weak. Tatsuha pulled his knees up close to his chest, the stiff priest garb giving way as he folded his arms on top of his knees and laid his head upon them.

Watching Tatsuha come undone, Eiri sighed, and after some time took a seat next to his brother on the steps, giving him ample space. Tatsuha was being even more stubborn than usual, but his prodding had been necessary. He couldn't watch Tatsuha eat himself alive anymore. Staring into his brother's eyes, he'd seen just how desperate Tatsuha felt, just how much he wanted for this to all to be revealed so he wouldn't have to fight it anymore. Eiri wondered for just how many years Tatsuha had been fighting it. "How did I never notice this before?" he asked softly to the night air.

Tatsuha lifted his head from his folded arms. "Well, we haven't spent this much time together in over six years." As an afterthought, he added quietly, "I've never told anyone. I didn't… want to ruin your life."

Laughing bitterly, Eiri finished his cigarette, stepping on the burning embers with his sandal even long after the flame had snuffed out. "You didn't need to worry. Someone else did that for you."

Tatsuha frowned. "What?"

"My tutor… from New York… he paid some thugs to gang rape me when I was sixteen. While he watched."

Tatsuha felt that he was in a tunnel somewhere, listening to his brother's voice from far away. He sat quietly, struggling to breathe as his throat tightened. He didn't fully register what Eiri told him for several minutes, digesting the admission that he'd somehow suspected but never dared to believe for years. How could this have happened to his Eiri? He pushed away the new mental images on impulse. No, he couldn't accept them! "Are… Are you serious?"

Eiri flipped his hair from his eyes, looking over at Tatsuha. Under the awning's shadows, Tatsuha's black priest clothes, and dark features, his brother almost blended in completely with the night. But he could hear the hitch in his breathing, the uncomfortable shifting, and knew Tatsuha was still there. "Would I lie to you?"

No, no, it was real. Eiri doesn't lie to him. This really happened six years ago. A million thoughts raced through Tatsuha's brain. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Everything was making sense now. Thinking back, his brother's isolation, his reckless behavior, his promiscuity, his rebelling and moving to Tokyo to start a life that was finally in his control – it all made sense. If only I had loved you enough, Eiri, you wouldn't have gotten hurt! Someone else took you away from me forever.

But only one thought managed to make it to Tatsuha's lips. "Why… are you telling me this now?"

Eiri leaned back on his hands, wishing they were somewhere other than the uncomfortable temple steps. He didn't sense Tatsuha's inner turmoil at all, not expecting much of a reaction since it was so long ago. "It was only fair." He stared again at the spot he thought Tatsuha was seated in the darkness. "My darkest secret… for yours." He paused before adding, "Your turn."

"B-but… I thought you just said you knew…"

"I think that I know, but I want to hear you say it. Spill, Tats."

He couldn't see his older brother in the dark anymore. He didn't know whether that was a blessing or a curse, because now he couldn't gauge Eiri's reactions to what he was saying, and stop while he was ahead. But as he let the night embrace him, as his eyes failed to adjust to the absolute blackness around him, Tatsuha could almost feel like he was alone, and only confessing to the solitude. That made it easier for him to say, "I love you, Eiri."

"…Did Dad put you up to this to get me to move back home?"

"W-What? No!"

"Oh."

It was quiet for a long time before he heard Eiri speak again. "…You love me? In what way? The way you love Mika… or the way you love Ryuichi Sakuma?"

Tatsuha took his time in responding with, "Both."

"Oh."

Eternities went by in silence. Tatsuha debated getting up and running away from home, to a place where Eiri couldn't find him. But Eiri pinned him back in place by speaking again. "How long have you felt this way?"

"Since… forever."

"Oh."

"You… don't sound very surprised."

"I guess I'm just used to people being attracted to me," Eiri responded. He shifted closer to where his brother sat. Something felt very personal about this conversation, and he wanted to block out the rest of the world. "Are you sure you love me, Tatsuha?"

The younger male felt a surge of something akin to lightning start from his throat and end in his groin upon hearing Eiri say his name like that, so low and hesitant but imploring. The hairs on the backs of his hands stood on end. Eiri had moved closer. He could feel the other's yukata on the ends of his fingertips. "I'm sure."

"Is it love? Or is it just sex you want?"

"…I don't know the difference between the two."

"No, I guess you wouldn't, would you?"

"Are you repulsed by me, Eiri? I will understand… if you never want to talk to me again. If you want to go home now."

"Repulsed isn't the right word. It's more like… intrigued."

Tatsuha looked up, trying to make out Eiri's form in the dark, but he couldn't find him. His fingers curled slightly around the end of the other's yukata, keeping him close. "Wha?"

"You seem relaxed now. Before, I could practically smell your fear. Just chill. I'm not going to beat you up."

"Okay, good." Tatsuha allowed himself a soft sigh of relief. This was going much better than he previously imagined. He opened his mouth to say more, but a hand suddenly gripped his upper arm. Tatsuha jumped in his seat, startled by the sudden contact in the dark. "Eiri?"

Keeping a hold on Tatsuha's arm so the other wouldn't run away, Eiri's other hand snaked out in the night and found his brother's chin. The novelist gripped his face firmly and leaned in, giving Tatsuha a bruising kiss. His brother's lips were foreign, wet and warm and trembling a little.

Tatsuha was frozen in place, eyes wide but still unseeing in the dark, taken aback by Eiri's aggressive and unexpected kiss. He reached up on instinct, digging his fists into Eiri's hair and the material of his yukata. He might never get an opportunity like this again. Tatsuha didn't know what was going on, but knew better than to say no to it. He moaned, his tongue slipping past their lips to memorize the taste of his brother forever.

Abruptly, Eiri pulled away. His fingers tightened around Tatsuha's arm assertively. He wanted to convey his attitude in his grip since Tatsuha couldn't see the stern look on his face. "A lot of people are just trying to use me for sex, Tats. Are you one of them?"

"N-no! I'm not trying to use you!" The younger paused, breathing shallow as he tried to figure out where this exchange was going. His lips burned with the memory of Eiri upon them. This was too good to be true. "Trust me, Eiri… There's no one in this world who loves you more than I do. Not even Shuichi."

Eiri released him, and was quiet for a while as he turned the thought over in his head. "There's only one problem with that."

Tatsuha remained still beside him, moving only his mouth to ask, "What?"

"You're my brother, and I'm not attracted to you."

The younger's mouth fell open. Somewhere inside him, he felt something snap despite the rest of him being completely numb. The tornado of thoughts in his head all at once came to a screeching halt. Words failed him. Somehow, he vaguely heard Eiri move beside him, the sounds of cloth rustling as Eiri apparently stood up, and then grass and gravel crunching underfoot as his brother walked away from him.

Tatsuha didn't register until minutes later that Eiri left him alone. Not just physically, but emotionally. Inside, something painfully cold twisted his heart in its fist. His body shivered, because even though he felt cold, hot tears started falling from his face, hitting the limp hands in his lap. The feeling of being hot and cold at the same time left Tatsuha paralyzed, wondering again what he had done to deserve this.

Eiri rejected him. Tatsuha thought for a minute that Eiri would actually be receptive to the idea. All signs were pointing in that direction, anyway. Their conversation was so relaxed, so… understanding. And then Eiri rejected him.

He was foolish for being so hopeful. He was foolish for falling in love with his brother. He was an idiot! Finding his legs, Tatsuha leapt to his feet suddenly with a strangled roar, hands fisted so tight he could feel his fingernails cut welts into his palms. His broom fell, being flung free of the wall by the flailing ends of his robe as he raged. His hands blindly reached out for the broom, and without thinking, Tatsuha snapped the thick, wooden handle in two with a strength he didn't know he had, feeling splinters fly against his bare hands without seeing them. How could Eiri do this to him?

No, no, this wasn't the end of it. It couldn't be! Not after he finally gathered the courage to confess the secret he'd been hiding for – what – ten years? Not after Eiri finally confessed his own long-kept secret, which had to mean something, right? Why now? Why this time? This was only the beginning! He was sure of it!

Someone else – Eiri's tutor – was to blame for Eiri being the way he was. For taking away from him the boy Tatsuha grew up with and came to love so much. He wasn't going to let Eiri hurt anymore. He was determined to save his brother now that he knew the truth. He wanted his Eiri back.

Tatsuha dropped the shards of wood from his hands, moving down the temple steps carefully in the black night and in the direction Eiri disappeared using nothing more than memory.

Besides, he'd worked too hard to win Eiri's love, for years. He wasn't going to give it up that easily.

Tatsuha willed his nerves to relax as he calmly returned to the house to change into his pajamas and study for his math test.

-TBC-

[Author's Note addendum]: Please review and let me know if you like how the fic is going so far! I'm going at a nice, slow, steady pace so I can fully develop their feelings, but I promise more exciting things are on their way, as well as more characters than just these two. :) Bear with me. Next chapter, things definitely will pick up! Hope you liked this chapter, though. It was rather fun to write because it was so dark.

Have an awesome weekend!

Love,
Ish :)