A/N: A big thanks to Biekewieke and SirenBanshee. You are two amazing beta's!
I'm always happy to receive comments; and if you think of a tag/warning I need to add, don't hesitate to let me know!
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Things had changed between them. However, Kylo didn't know how it had happened, or what exactly it was that had changed. The situation remained the same; she didn't talk to him, didn't allow him contact. Still, something had changed. It drove him crazy.
Part of him—a part he did not wish to acknowledge—wanted to hold her hand again. He had doubled the troops looking for signs of the Resistance—of her. However, he wasn't sure anymore what he would do if he found them.
He growled. Attack, of course! He would wipe them out! Rid the galaxy of their presence, make the First Order the only force of power, make himself the ruler of it all. He was strong, ruthless, powerful, and soon, he would be unchallenged!
Nodding to himself, he lounged luxuriously on his throne. The throne room was empty, making every sound echo eerily. Snoke had always kept guards around, a sign of power, he said. Kylo disagreed. It also showed he had a weakness. Sitting alone, sitting without guards—it showed he had nothing to fear. All men were bugs beneath his fingers. He could crush them in an instance.
In truth, he was bored. The First Order practically ran itself; only the most important information came his way and needed reviewing. With nobody to chase, and no rebellious planets going into an uprising, there was little left to do. He could only wait, and think, and wonder. Wonder about what to do when they were found.
He slammed his fist down on the armrest of the throne. It should not be that difficult! It should be a clear path, an easy decision! He was about to storm off when she appeared in front of him. She was all blazing fury, relentless nervousness, pacing to and fro like a caged animal.
"Have you ever read the sacred texts of the Jedi?" she demanded without so much as a greeting.
He looked at her in surprise, before resentment bubbled up. "Read them? No, they are sacred for a reason. Luke," he spat out the name, "did go on and on about them though. I doubt there's anything in there I haven't heard from him."
"They don't make any sense!"
That took him off guard. "Wait; you have them?"
Rey waved her hand dismissively. "Yes, I have them, but they don't make any sense!"
He stood and walked over to her, intent on making her stop pacing. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he forced her to turn and look at him.
"At least on that we agree."
She grimaced at his words. "Did you know they order the Jedi to leave behind their friends, their family? To grow unattached? To stay alone? All in the name of objectivity?" Rey looked up at him. "It says they will cause you to turn to the Dark."
Kylo stayed silent. Leaving behind one's family and friends was something the Dark and the Light agreed on. They were a weakness, a danger, something that held you back from reaching your full potential. They were better left in the past, cut off. One could only be strong with only oneself to account for.
Rey stepped out of his hold and started pacing again. He watched her, wondering why she had even come to him to discuss this.
"How can me throwing away my friendships, those I consider family, make me a better person? It's absurd! How can being isolated make you better at judging the ways of men? It's absolutely illogical!"
She turned back to him, her shoulders drooping, her eyes turning sad. "How can it be that, in order to become a Jedi, I'll have to leave them all behind? Leave behind every connection I have?"
He tried to stay impassive as the full scope of her words hit him, when the unspoken words registered in his mind. How can I leave you behind? Fear struck his heart and he loathed it. He could feel the desolation coming from Rey in waves. There was no need to look into her head in order for him to see echoes of the vast, desert planes of Jakku, to feel the bone-deep loneliness that came with it.
Kylo bristled at the onslaught of emotions, at the recognition of his own fear, and furrowed his brow.
"What do you want from me?" he asked brusquely. "Do you want me to pity you?"
Rey drew back in surprise, but quickly regained her balance, fisting her hands at her sides. "I don't know!" she shouted back.
"Do you want me to tell you how to do it? Or do you want me to tell you it will all be okay?"
"I don't know!" she shouted again.
"They tore me away from my family as well! Luke," he spat out the word again, "took me away when I was eleven, to become distant, to be alone amongst others. Do you want me to tell you it's the right thing to do? Do you want me to tell you the Jedi got it all right?"
"They got it wrong!" Rey yelled at him in fury.
They were practically standing nose to nose. He could see the fire burning in her eyes, those beautiful brown eyes.
"And they wronged you, just as they wronged all those other children," she continued, softer. Turning her back to him, she wrapped her arms around herself. "How can I teach if I know nothing myself?" It was said barely above a whisper, but he caught it all the same.
"Teach?"
She stiffened. He could feel her trying to leave, but he wouldn't let her, taking hold of the bond and anchoring her to him.
"Teach?" he repeated. Again, he grasped her shoulders and turned her so she would face him. "Teach who? Are there others? Are there others like us out there?" Kylo barely recognised the desperation in his own voice.
Rey looked at him. There were so many emotions in her eyes, and he couldn't decipher even one of them. Finally, she seemed to reach a conclusion. "We … picked up some children along the way."
"At Canto Bight," he remarked dryly. "I know."
She seemed taken aback by that. "You do?" A small shake of her head. "Of course you do. One of them, Temiri, shows clear signs of the Force. And one of the little ones, Lyra, has shown some promise as well. She's only six, so there's no way of knowing for sure though."
Kylo blankly stared at her. "Force users," he breathed.
"Please," Rey suddenly whispered. "Please promise me you won't kill them if you ever find them."
That shook him out of his daze. "Kill them?" he asked, bewildered. "I would teach them," he continued, before adding as an afterthought, "as I would teach you."
Rey snorted. "Teach them the Dark Side? Teach them how to hate and rage? How is that not a fate worse than death?"
Kylo growled, his hands clenching and his eyes narrowing. Rey didn't heed the warning, her voice rising in anger and desperation.
"You want to snuff out their light? You want them to murder and spill blood? Tear apart who they are and put darkness in its place?"
"IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME? ALWAYS AND ONLY A MONSTER?" Kylo roared. He strode away from her, resisting the urge to ignite his saber, to feel the comfort of its power. Why did he care so much? Why did her words hurt? Her rejection of his knowledge? There was a long stretch of silence as he fought to stay in control.
"Ben, I'm sorry. I- I didn't mean it that way." She sounded so small, brittle, like she was on the verge of breaking.
"The name is Kylo," he ground out.
"Ben, don't, don't do this."
The words echoed, images of another meeting, a battle, rushing before his eyes. What did she mean by that? Before and now? What was he doing wrong?
"I- I don't think the monster is who you truly are," Rey whispered.
He whipped around to face her. "What does that even mean?"
She gave him a small smile. "That, to me, you will always be Ben."
Rey disappeared after that, leaving him staring into nothing and feeling more confused than ever before.
"You can talk to her, the girl."
Kylo turned to the unexpected voice, igniting his lightsaber and crouching into a fighting stance. In the shadows of the room, he could vaguely make out Phasma—the formidable woman that had somehow survived falling into the flames of a burning hangar.
"You can talk to her," she repeated, taking a couple of steps forward.
He tensed, ready to attack. This was not a secret to be revealed. Rey was his and his alone. It would be a sad thing to kill Phasma; she was a good commander.
Slowly, the woman reached up. With a soft hiss, her helmet came loose. Kylo realised that, for all the years he had known her, he had never seen her face. He was surprised to see a pretty blond emerge from the armor.
There was a burn scar that started just below her left eye, traced a fiery path to the skin under her ear, and then down her neck, into the standard-issue black bodysuit. Apparently, the medi-droids hadn't been able to fix all the damage. It didn't make her look any less beautiful to him, though. On the contrary, it added to her fierceness.
Phasma tucked her helmet under her arm. "I'm at your mercy, Kylo Ren," she said. "All I can do is promise you I won't tell a soul. I can see the effect she has on you, and, if I may be so candid, I like it. I also think you can use an ally on this ship. Hux was an idiot, but even idiots can amass followers."
Kylo contemplated her. There was no way of knowing she was sincere. Yet, she talked sense.
"Why?" he finally asked, straightening but still holding his saber tightly. "What do you have to gain?"
She shrugged. "You spoke with the girl about the Jedi ways, about their recruitment."
He narrowed his eyes again. Exactly how long had she been present in the throne room? How much had she heard? He acknowledged her statement with a terse nod.
"Do you know," she continued, "how most of the Troopers are recruited? I think you will see some similarities. I may not know all my soldiers by name, but I am responsible for them. I take that responsibility to heart."
Silence reigned. It bothered Kylo that he, indeed, did not know how the many Stormtroopers were recruited. Was there truth in Phasma's words? Finally, he decided to take the risk. Having an ear among the crew, even if it was a highly placed one, could come in handy.
He extinguished his saber. "One misstep and you end up like Hux."
Phasma nodded before putting her helmet back on.
"Understood."
She turned and briskly walked out of the room, once more leaving Kylo on his own. He sank down on his throne and sighed. What to do next? He closed his eyes and lost himself in thought.