A/N: So, here's another chapter for you guys! Many, many thanks to everyone who reviewed and faved my story series here. Med school's hell; they just don't quit with the exams and the projects. If it ain't too much trouble, please pray that I do well in my upcoming quizzes XD Anyways, this one came to me after watching the ever funny Scrubs. I love that show, since my humor in real life is actually a lot like the humor in that show (really weird and sometimes juvenile). Also, you may find a little factoid in this story that goes against what was stated in Secrets of The Furious Five. Don't worry, I have a story on the way to explain that one So again, enjoy everyone!
Master Viper wondered idly, as she surveyed the destroyed Training Hall, if men were always this confusing or if they took breaks every now and then. Granted, living on top of a mountain, she had limited contact with the opposite gender in general but she knew weirdness when she saw it. These males in particular, only got more confusing the longer she lived with them.
Said males of the Jade Palace, excluding Shifu, had just gotten back from an adventure from a remote village from the Eastern regions, and were acting quite a bit weirder than normal. It was as Tigress had termed, a "testosterone overflow".
Mantis and Monkey, who were usually inseparable, would now spend what seemed to be a precisely scheduled and measured time apart. Furthermore, these 'alone-times' as the insect had called it, seemed to happen every time the two would exchange a high five or a "chest-bump". Admittedly, while she had voiced her distaste for savage feats of machismo, it felt a bit off to see those two, who were as close as brothers, act skittish and distant towards each other; they would do the aforementioned chest thumping, laugh a bit, fall silent and quickly avoid each other for the entire day. Mantis had even opted to now simply walk beside the simian, instead of taking his usual perch on his larger friend's shoulder.
That should have been weird enough. But then she started noticing changes in Po as well. The usually jovial bear would now spend much of his time strength training, using the boulders found around the mountain as weights. Once again, this would usually happen after some sort of exchange with the other men of the house, be it a high-five or a few seconds of awkward silence. After a few moments in his room, he would walk around the Palace with his chest puffed out, walking with a swagger. He had garnered some strange looks from the some of the servants because of this.
"You talkin' to me? Are you, talkin' to me? There ain't nobody else around here, you must be talkin' to me!" Po had said in an artificially gravely voice when she caught him in the Training Hall, sparring with the ever faithful Adversary.
He was in the midst of "Ya feelin' lucky? Punk?" when Viper had decided to probe for answers. As was her serpentine nature, she was confident in her ability to weasel….ahem, extract information from other people.
"Hey Po." she had said, slithering beside the panda, who was giving the inflatable dummy a rapid flurry of punches.
The bear stopped his vicious attack and his bright green eyes crinkled as a wide grin formed on his lips. He waved a large paw at Viper.
"Hi, Master Viper! Er…uh…." he began brightly before suddenly stifling his smile.
Viper's eyebrows rose a mile as she noticed an immediate change in his behavior. The usual slouched posture gave way to a straightened spine and puffed out chest. He sucked in his massive gut in addition to this. The bright and cheerful voice was suddenly lowered a few octaves and the merry eyes transformed into (what he thought was) an intense and smoldering look.
"Hey. What is it I can do for you, lady friend?" the panda said, making sure to let each word linger, as if to increase their meaning.
Viper let out a nervous high pitched laugh before quickly slithering away, making a quick excuse about having to use the bathroom.
That was beyond frightening. Dammit, did a Y-chromosome instill innate peculiarities at birth or were they developed over time? She needed help figuring this out and unfortunately, the only other female in the Palace was an emotionally crippled, sexually repressed wreck.
"How am I supposed to know what's up with them? Now, do you think Master Shifu likes mint or ginger tea?" Tigress had said distractedly, when Viper tried asking for her help. The female tiger had been fretting about what to get Shifu, the one time—ONE TIME! — he had asked her to go shopping for him.
Viper groaned heavily as she remembered what a mistake it had been to ask her feline friend, who most likely still had some unresolved "Daddy" issues with her adoptive father.
She decided to ask around the Valley itself, knowing that gossip traveled fast. From what she could gather, the guys had gone to liberate a remote farming village from a pack of wolf bandits who were extorting the citizens out of their crops and earnings. The bandits, who had called themselves the Sons Of Guān Yǔ, after the great military general worshipped as a god in some parts, were lead by the fearsome Hào Lang. Those who had seen the white wolf had described him as nothing short of terrifying, leading his subordinates with an iron fist. Some stories had described him indiscriminately slaughtering both allies and enemies alike, mostly after they had displeased him in some way. Despite, or perhaps because of this cruelty, every one of his subordinates had plead their loyal service to him. Although most of them were known to be cruel as well, they dared not cross their leader, whose skill and viciousness in battle made even the most jaded of their ranks have nightmares. As such, Lang always got the biggest share of the gold they smuggled, the most select of the weapons they made, the most delicious of foods and naturally, the most beautiful women. One of his aliases was WángFěi, King of Bandits, a title decidedly well deserved.
In spite of it being a relatively recent battle, news of the defeat of the Sons of Guān Yǔ and their leader traveled fast and had soon reached the Valley of Peace itself.
Word was that Masters Monkey, Crane and Mantis, and the Dragon Warrior himself had somehow managed to infiltrate the base of the bandits' operations without a single drop of blood being spilled, initially at least. How this was made possible was unknown; no one from the village had a clear enough memory of the event and the Masters themselves were mysteriously tight-lipped about the entire affair. Even the Dragon Warrior, who usually was more than eager to regal anyone who would listen about vivid tales of his battles alongside the Five, was strangely quiet. As such, most of the information she could gather was based off hearsay and unfounded rumors.
Feeling discouraged, Viper returned to the Jade Palace. She had spent most of her life in the Palace trying to get used to the strange little behaviors some of her comrades exhibited from time to time but this…this was just way too much strangeness, way too fast.
Of course, she had one route left, and that was to ask directly what had happened. That left only one option of course and that was to ask Crane; good ol' level-headed, honest Crane.
The avian Master had been curiously hard to get a hold of these past few weeks and when she did find him, it surprised her to no end when he exhibited the same "macho" behavior as his other colleagues.
"Oh, hey Viper. Something…..I can…..do for you?" he had said normally enough, were it not for the fact that he was doing pushups with a large boulder on his back. Viper's mouth was hanging open the entire time, as she watched the spectacle.
Crane hated strength training, though he was loathed to admit this in front of Master Shifu. He preferred to work on his agility and speed, preferring to dodge and defend rather than attack. Based on the Wu Sing system, Crane took a decidedly more relaxed approach to training and to some extent, battles as well. This did not mean he was unfocused however; he simply allowed everything else to work for him. This was the philosophy of Sung which was the quality of suppleness and ease of motion which accompanies proper movement in the internal martial arts. It is not to be confused with limpness, he made sure to point out when asked about it in the past, as Sung describes a quality of relaxed coordination of the entire body in movement.
"Eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three…"
What the bird was doing now was NOT Sung. He was in the throes of Gong, a practice or exercise used in Kung Fu to develop a skill or power. There were many kinds of gongs, both internal or Nei Gong and external or Wai Gong, leading to many different kinds of skills or powers.
Viper's musings were interrupted by the loud THUD of the boulder hitting the soil as Crane dislodged it from his back.
"One hundred! Hoo-haaaa! Who's the man?" Crane yelled after completing his workout, standing up and flexing both wings to show off his muscles.
In a flash, Viper coiled her sinewy body around his neck and hissed dangerously. The waterfowl's face went ashen underneath his feathers.
"Viper?! W-wha—" he stuttered, swallowing a lump that had formed in his throat.
"No! No questions! You and those three other boneheads meet me in the kitchen in five minutes! You hear me?! Do NOT be late!" she yelled in a panic. The dangerously venomous fangs seemed to glow brighter and her eyes had taken a manic look.
Really, it was most unlike her to lash out like this, especially towards Crane. But she didn't have a choice! It was their fault, trapping her in what she had now termed the Twilight Zone of Weird Male Behavior! It was a vast, testosterone fueled vortex and she wanted OUT now!
The males of the Jade Palace shifted uncomfortably in their seats as they watched Viper slither to and fro. They were gathered around the wooden dinner table while their female companion moved about. She would look like she wanted to say something, open her mouth, shake her head and continue pacing (at least, as close as she could to doing the action, having no legs). This continued for what seemed to be eternity until the serpent finally stopped slithering and took a place on the table.
"Okay. What in the HELL happened in that village?" she grated out, glaring at the four suspiciously panicked faces. The four began yelling out at the same time.
"Nothing! Why, what've you heard?"
"I don't know WHAT your talking about!"
"Er….what village? You know, we've been in a lot of different villages…."
"…what was the question again?"
Viper squeezed her eyes shut as she drew a deep breath.
"QUIET!"
The guys stopped talking immediately. A few seconds of silence ticked by as the snake gauged their reactions.
Monkey was twiddling his thumbs. Mantis' eyes were darting around, unable to meet her gaze. Po just looked frightened and Crane looked like he had swallowed the boulder he was doing pushups with earlier.
"TheShuǐ Dào Village, North of Manchuria. You helped the townsfolk drive those bandits away."
She watched as Mantis stiffened visibly, having stopped picking at his sharp forelegs. Viper lowered her head so she could level her gaze with the tiny master.
"What happened?" she whispered, much calmer this time. The look of nervous panic never left Mantis' eyes.
"It….it was horrible….." he rasped out.
Viper's earlier irritation at the weird behavior began to ebb away at her comrade's voice. She felt a bit guilty for not factoring in the simple fact that the battle my have been too bloody and gruesome, even for seasoned masters. For something to affect even their toughest member so much, it must truly have been awful.
"We…we….had to….guh….." Mantis continued to choke out. "….do Operation Waterlily!"
Viper returned this confession with a blank look. She watched as a pained expression began to appear on Po's face as he relieved a particularly horrible excerpt from Operation Waterlily.
The panda's face paled horribly as he felt the scaly hand of the Komodo dragon grab a generous portion of his, ahem, weapon trunk. The qipao he had been forced to wear was NOT helping matters since he couldn't so much as even slap the offending appendage away lest he tear the fabric. The gigantic lizard leered at the panda. The various wolves, weasels and boars were all grinning maliciously at their four latest acquisitions, courtesy of their host village. In exchange for releasing forty of their captives unharmed, they were given these women.
"Hmm…Lang doesn't really care much for the, ah, healthier girls. I, on the other hand, love my meat and my women. Even better when they're such a perfect combination like you, darlin'." He said, licking his chops. Man, they really hit the jackpot with this village!
Lots of rice, great wine and these girls….wow!
They all sounded a bit weird because the villagers said the four of them lived together and had caught a case of the colds. But that didn't matter, all four of them were gorgeous. Pei was his personal favorite of course; he had a taste for exotic women and it didn't get anymore exotic than a giant panda. She was quite the woman, he mused. Big, but like he said, he liked some meat on his woman's bones. The villagers had taken the extra time to dress the girls up, painting their faces and covering them in the scent of sandal wood.
Hào Lang himself had chosen the feisty little mantis and currently had her in his personal quarters. She had all but thrown a fit at being chosen and the wolf was smitten at her fiery personality.
The bird, a quiet red-crowned crane who had said her name was Qiū, was smiling nervously at the twin bears who were ogling her. She quietly left when the two began arguing over who saw her first. She had been quite the hit with the ones who preferred their women quiet and submissive. She wore two ornamental lotus flowers in her feathers which accented her dark plumage beautifully.
Hóu, the female langur, was looking very shifty and her wide eyes darted from person to person. She kept picking at her pink cheong-sam, looking very uncomfortable. A huge ox bandit with a large battle axe strapped to back grinned lazily at her.
"Hey cutie, you dun' look took comfortable there. Want some help takin' that off?" he slurred with a lecherous grin. The monkey simply smiled back before dashing off to join the other girls.
The Komodo dragon, whose name was Gu, snorted indifferently as he watched the girls huddle together in a corner of the large cave for comfort. It was just a matter of time before somebody in his group lost control and got things rolling. This was how they did things; slowly starting to feed off their victims fear before going in for the kill, in a manner of speaking of course.
"What the fuck is taking Mantis so long? I swear, if that ox talks to me one more time, I'll break his horns off!" said Monkey in frantic whisper as he huddled closer with his teammates.
"It's only been five minutes. He'll give the signal in a bit. When you hear it, get ready to fight." said Crane, keeping his ears peeled for anyone who might be sneaking up on them. It had taken too much preparation and embarrassment to have this fail on them now. He had come up with Operation Waterlily as a final resort in response to Hào Lang's violence, to keep the village's casualties low.
"What's the signal?" Po asked, sweat beading on his forehead. He didn't wipe it off, lest he ruin his make-up and expose himself. Crane turned red.
"It's…um…well….that is…." he stammered. The signal was the most difficult thing to come up with as it had to be discreet yet hearable by his teammates. Trouble was, with hundreds of pairs of ears and eyes surrounding them, there was no way they wouldn't get caught. That left one final option of course. It had taken some conniving and begging on Crane's part and a huge tantrum on Mantis' but they had finally agreed on a signal.
Loud banging noises emanated from Lang's quarters. The bandits removed their attention from the three huddled women and listened keenly.
"OH YES! OH BABY, YOU ARE THE KING! OH YEAH!" yelled a falsetto voice from the other side of the slab of stone that served as the bandit leader's door. A couple of the thugs shrugged their shoulders as they went back to sharpening their weapons and gambling.
Po stared incredulously at Crane who was looking very guilty. The panda's one lower eyelid began to twitch uncontrollably.
"That was the signal? Are you kidding me?" he whisper-yelled at Crane.
"No, that was Phase One. It means he's knocked Lang out. When he finds an escape route out of this place, he'll give another signal." Crane said, beginning to notice how the Komodo dragon Gu, seemed to have taken his attention away from them and was now more focused on the door to Lang's quarters. He suspected something.
The lizard raised a single scaly fist to knock on his leader's door. Crane felt a wave of panic flood over him. He needed to think of something fast!
"S-sir?" he called out in a whispery and quavering voice to Gu who turned sharply and fixed an annoyed gaze on him.
"Whaddya want?" the lizard snapped, irritated.
"P-please sir…d-don't hurt my friends….I-I'll d-do anything…." the bird sobbed nervously, looking very frightened. Gu smiled, showing rows of pointed yellow teeth. He loved it when the girls started to break right in front of his eyes. Simply put, it made life worth living.
"Anything?" he said in mock sweet tone.
Nod.
Gu turned his gaze on the panda and the monkey. They both looked worse for wear; Pei's lower lip was quivering and her bright green eyes looked terrified.
"Okay then. Qiū, was it? You love your friends?"
Nod.
"Do you love Pei?"
Nod.
"Hmm, that's so sweet. Care to show how much you love her?" The huge lizard grinned as he savored his favorite hobby; manipulating women into his own personal play-things.
"I-I'm not….n-not sure what you mean, Sir…." Crane continued, making sure to keep his voice soft and whispery. In the back of his head, he wondered what this sick bastard was up to. At least it was buying Mantis much needed time.
"I want you to kiss Pei. On the lips." Said Gu, grinning wickedly. The other bandits who had been listening to the conversation yelled their approval and began to gather around. A few yelled their suggestions.
"It don't count if there ain't no tongue!"
"Whoo! Take yer tops off first!"
"Threesome! Threesome!"
The Komodo dragon roughly grabbed the sitting panda's arm and dragged her to her feet. He roughly shoved the bear towards her avian companion as he and his comrades jeered and laughed.
Po locked eyes with Crane who looked back.
No frickin' way.
We have to! It'll distract them long enough!
No. FRICKING. Way.
With a long suffering breath, Crane puckered his beak in his best approximation of a kiss and using his wings to hold the fidgeting panda still, squeezed his eyes shut and kissed the Dragon Warrior full on his lips. The crowd continued to cheer as the two held the kiss for what seemed like minutes. Monkey, who was fortunate to have been left on the floor, made a mental note to burn his eyes when he got back home.
Crane tentatively opened his eyes and found the panda's green orbs staring back at him. The bear had kept his lips tightly curled in, refusing to cooperate. Crane glared at him angrily.
Kiss me back, dammit!
What?
We have to keep it interesting!
O-okay…
That's bett—wait! Po, what the HELL?!
They said they wanted tongue!
BOOM!
A loud noise that sounded like stone being crushed echoed from the Lang's quarters.
Operation Waterlily had reached its final stage.
Quickly pulling apart and wiping their mouths, Master Crane and the Dragon Warrior started striking and kicking at the nearest bandit they could find. Monkey had taken the cheong-sam completely off and began to engage the boorish ox and the twin bears. He let out a primal yell as he pushed off the ground using his hands and spun like an air-borne top. He kicked both legs out as he did this, catching his three opponents in the chin, knocking all three of them out cold.
Crane slammed Gu against a boulder so hard that a perfect indent of the lizard's body was made on its surface.
"You sick, twisted, scum! This is what you make women do?!" he yelled. The lizard could only stare on, still in complete shock.
All along….they were men? These were his final thoughts before fainting.
BOOM!
Another crash sounded as the stone door leading to Lang's quarters was shattered by the deceptively small Master Mantis. A huge lion carrying a pair of nunchucks and crocodile had seen this. Deciding to cooperate, they leapt towards the insect intending to crush him. Mantis was too quick however, using his speed to evade their attack and leapt forward. Swiftly, he grabbed his two opponent's tails and began to spin them around. He let go as he reached full momentum, sending both feline and reptile crashing into the roof of the cave.
"I am in NO MOOD!" the insect yelled after them as he charged into the foray. This was the absolute most humiliating mission he had ever done. There weren't enough pumice stones in the whole of China to help him scrub off this experience from his mind.
The four Masters looked on at the carnage. A few of the bandits remained, knocked out and lying on the ground. The others had escaped, taking their incapacitated leader with them. Ironically, they had used the escape route that Mantis had discovered earlier in the wolf's quarters.
Po was raggedly panting, having fought with ferocity that frightened even his comrades. Sure, he was a big fan of Master Crane, but well….not that big. In fact, maybe he'd take down some of his posters he had in his room when they got back home.
None of the males spoke for a couple of minutes. It was Mantis who decided to break the ice.
"We do not speak of this incident. We liberated the village and beat the shit out of the Sons of Guān Yǔ. And that's that." the insect had said, looking pointedly at Crane.
I blame YOU for this!
He looked sideways at his simian friend who looked back.
You, uh....you okay with not hanging for a few days?
The langur nodded vigorously.
Crane breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, the Sons of Guān Yǔ had been driven out of the village. He walked over to Po who had stopped panting and was currently surveying the damage he and his comrades had caused.
"Good job Po." he said, about to give the bear a pat on the back and was surprised when he found himself unable to do so. The panda visibly flinched though Crane's wing never touched his back.
"Don't touch me! Er…s-sorry. I…uh…thanks. You know, just doin' my best." said Po, finding it equally surprising that he couldn't give his friend his usual mock-punch to the wing. He had formed the fist and was about to hit the bird's wing lightly in a show of camaraderie but found it impossible to do so without bringing back horrible memories of The Thing With Crane That Shall Never Be Talked About or Thought About Ever (as he had dubbed it).
The trek back home was equally filled with awkward silences which would quickly be diffused with talks about weapons, fighting and women. Being all men, there was usually no shame when they took their baths together in the streams and rivers they passed through on their journeys together. After the mission though, they began taking turns. Even Mantis, who usually had no problem with this, decided to take separate baths.
Viper's mouth hung open in shock as Crane described the full details. Previously Mantis had protested vehemently before finally relenting and deciding to stay quiet during the entire story, wincing as certain details were made known.
"So, in a misguided attempt to reclaim what you perceive to be your lost masculinity, you all start acting like barbarians?" she summarized, regarding each of them with a questioning look.
Seriously, were they THAT uncomfortable with…..
……yeah, they were. She took a deep breath and looked at each of them in the eye.
"What you all did for that village was incredibly brave. If it makes any difference, I don't think any of you are less masculine or manly in any way. I think it shows just how great warriors you are and that's something to be proud of." she said with a smile. Crane returned her grin and Po's expression relaxed visibly.
Mantis, she noticed, still looked unconvinced. Having been raised in a traditional family, it must have been quite a blow to his ego to have to go through with the experience. Still, she had to nip this in the bud; if the guys didn't ALL turn back to their usual selves soon, she'd never get out of the Twilight Zone Of Weird Male Behavior.
Viper was trying to think of a solution when she noticed Tigress walking in to the kitchen. She was carrying a package of tea leaves and was beginning to prepare a pot of water when an idea struck the snake. Praying to the gods for strength, she hoped Mantis and the guys would appreciate this.
Moving quickly, she wrapped herself around the female tiger's trunk. The shocked tiger almost dropped the pot as she fixed her friend with a questioning look.
"Viper, what's goi---mmMMppPPHH!"
The jaw of every male in the room dropped as they watched Viper kiss Tigress full on the lips. The feline's eyes were wide in shock, her pupils were visibly narrowed and her body stiff as a board. After a few seconds, Viper pulled away and fixed her stare on the males.
"So, masculinity regained? No more doubts about what….'army' you're serving under?" she asked, slowly uncoiling herself from the female tiger's torso. Tigress' eyes were still wide and unblinking as she shuffled stiffly back to her room, tea completely forgotten.
Everyone nodded dumbstruck.
"Good. See you all in the morning." she said, smiling sweetly at them.
Slithering in the hallway of their dorms, she noticed Tigress was still staring unblinkingly at the door of her room. Viper quietly went to the feline's side, concerned.
"Hey, sorry about that. You know how guys are with their macho image and---"
"I like men!" Tigress blurted out, slowly inching away from Viper. The tight spaces of the dorm hallway didn't give her much space to move around.
"What? No, no, Tigress, I just did that to snap them out of it!" the snake said, unsure why her voice was getting higher pitched. Strangely, she also felt the need to move a couple of inches away from her feline friend.
They stared quietly for a few moments.
You okay with not hanging out for a few days?
Totally.
END
A/N: And that's the end of that one This was probably my longest one yet at twelve pages long in MS Word! I gotta start doing shorter chapter but I swear, sometimes these things just write themselves. Please review? Pretty please? It'll make me feel oh-so-awesome ;)