You're caught in a one way street

With the monsters in your head

Savage Garden – Crash and Burn

---

On the surface she'd made huge progress. The external wound had healed well and recovery from the internal injuries was improving daily. She could comfortably manage around the apartment and although she swore she was up to her store-on-the-corner and sunbathing-in-the-park trips, he knew perfectly well that she caught a cab home and rested for hours afterwards.

But on the inside she struggled. Losing her Mother as a child meant she'd perfected her 'brave face'; laughing and smiling and joking regardless. She'd spent too many years of relying on no one but herself and keeping her feelings tucked deep inside. She played loud music, started a few silly squabbles and shouted in French now and again in bid to reassure him, but he could see past the facade. She couldn't hide that her eyes were sad and empty, that she hated if his service weapon wasn't stored in the lock box in the closet and that she all too often woke in the night in terror, or sobs, or simply just didn't sleep.

:-:-:

In the early days of her being at home there were highs.

On discovering her in bed, surrounded by yarn and knitting needles, he'd howled with laughter; the first time he'd truly laughed since before the shooting. "My sister-in-law stopped by" she'd scowled. "She was particularly unsympathetic to my plight of being fed up with Jack Reacher and daytime TV and suggested I try," setting down the needles she'd used air quotes, sneering "something a 'little more productive'. So, I'm knitting."

The afternoon he'd arrived back from the Precinct, to find a curious scene of domesticity, showed him a glimpse of a future he'd previously only seen in his daydreams. Jess was stretched out the sofa very contently cradling Lucy Messer, while Danny busied himself in the compact kitchen with his famous Chicken Parmigiana; a strange discussion, the previous night's game mixed up with a recent case, being batted between the pair. On raising an eyebrow in question, she'd grinned deviously "As much as I love you Don; Messer kicks your ass in the kitchen. And we're helping him just as much as he's helping us...if he wasn't cooking here, Lindsay would have him busy with some dreaded DIY."

But they were all too often overshadowed by dark lows; her anger at all and everything, the days she resented his presence and the days she clung to him desperately, the pain she fought to hide, and the night he woke to find her slumped on a kitchen stool; his gun on the countertop.

:-:-:

"Jess?" he tried to sound calm as she stared intently between the weapon and her belly.

"My Dad was going to give me his gun and badge the day I graduated the Academy," she didn't look up, "I liked the idea of his number but not…You get anything?"

He moved closer, debating whether he should slide the weapon from her reach or leave her be. Her moods had been so erratic lately he couldn't be sure quite what she was going to do. "My old man bought me a watch."

Nodding thoughtfully, she drew her knees to her chest, curling herself into a tight awkward ball.

"I see him you know", she raised her eyes long enough to meet his before screwing them closed. "I see him lining me up and pulling the trigger...like it's all in slow motion. What if I can't do it anymore Don? Hold a gun? Be a cop?"

:-:-:

He woke her early the next morning; lovingly easing the sleep from her body before shepherding her into the shower, then dressing and downstairs to the car. "Where we going?" she asked good-naturedly, her voice perking up at the prospect of a trip out. "Somewhere you need to go" he told her somberly, cupping her chin and kissing her forehead.

Driving the familiar route towards his childhood home, he pulled in at a row of buildings and led her along to the end property. As he pulled open the heavy door, she glanced at the small sign inside, turning to glare at him "What the fuck Flack?!" 'Flack' wasn't a name she used much anymore; usually reserving it for work or to tease him.

"I'm sorry baby but you need to be here. 'What if I can't do it anymore', you said it yourself."

He'd chosen the range his Father had taught him to shoot at; somewhere he knew would be deserted and where there wouldn't be any questions. While he really wanted to keep her safe at home, he knew that pushing her was probably the right thing to do; that he had to be cruel to be kind. Although she glared at him again, it was with less conviction and she took his hand as they crossed the threshold.

Watching her pull on the ear defenders then size up the firearm in her hand, he left her in peace and began to empty the clip of his own weapon; briefly seeing the shooter he'd cuffed instead of the paper silhouette target. Looking back towards her, she stood motionless; her eyes glazed over and trembling. Choking back a tear, he slid in behind her and as his arms wrapped around her to guide her grip, she leaned into him. He stood with her as she squeezed the trigger for the first time, but gradually stepped back with each shot.

Her expression was haunted when she finally turned to him, after letting off the last round. Taking the gun from her hand, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly until her body relaxed. "I'm so proud of you Jess Angell."

:-:-:

Instead of leading her back to the car, he firmly held her hand and tugged her across the street.

As his intended destination became clear she didn't resist; just pausing for a reassuring hug and tender kiss, and nodding as he promised "I'm here with you J, I won't let anything happened."

After much deliberating, in Joe's Diner where the Flack family had eaten for over three decades, cinnamon raisin French toast became her breakfast of choice that morning. Crinkling her nose at the bacon that came with his pancakes, she crunched on a piece anyway before declaring a little sadly, "Nope, it doesn't taste good anymore…"

"I'm glad you brought me here this morning."

He shook his head, opening his mouth to quash her words but she cut him off, "No Don, I mean it. I know I've been a nightmare lately and a real bitch at times. You're always there though; looking after me and being so…wonderful. Thank you." Stretching over the table she kissed him, mumbled against his lips "I love you."