(Author's notes- I wasn't going to do another chapter but someone asked nicely so I thought 'bollocks to it, why not' hence this wee tangent. Yes, it's short and silly, but you should expect that of me by now ;) But fear not, Rumpy n' Gina will only stay this way for a chapter or two before they change. Enjoy?)
"I just got off the phone with Blue, she says she isn't coming round", James said coming into the children's bedroom, his mind still trying to contemplate the effects of the latest bungled spell to befall the two most powerful and vengeful people in Storybrooke.
"Why not?", replied his wife rummaging through the many bags scattered on the floor trying not to baulk when her gaze caught the receipt for James' early morning splurge.
"She thinks you're going to punch her in the face again"
"No, I wouldn't"
"Honeeeeey?", James said leadingly.
"Well maybe just a little", Snow smiled back as she turned back round, her fingers trailing delicately over Rumpy's cheeks as he stared up with a bizarre expression of shock and anxiety.
"Well Blue didn't exactly lie, she did say they'd go back to what they once were", said James looking down at Rumpy who squirmed on the bed with drool running from his mouth, "And it's true…as they once were like this"
"But changing them from four years old…..to four months?", Snow said looking across at the naked infant Regina on the other side of the bed who stared on wide eyed with only a few wisps of dark hair crowning her whilst Emma fussed around.
"I admit it's the last thing I was expecting but if…..", James said before he was cut off by flailing arms and a splutter of alarm.
"Gah….she totally did that on purpose!", squealed Emma as she recoiled in horror as warm droplets ran down her cheeks to drip from her chin.
"Oh don't be silly, she's just a baby", Snow laughed as she caught the disgust and embarrassment parading across her features.
"Well it wasn't you who just got a face full of pee!", Emma snorted rubbing a fluffy white hand towel over her damp face.
"Did you do that on purpose lil' Gina-wina-woo? Did you? Did you?", Snow asked in a babyish voice that got disturbingly higher as she tickled Regina on her podgy little cheek.
"Did you see that?", Emma spluttered looking at Regina's face, "She smirked at me! She totally did!"
"Emma, you're being ridiculous. And how could you possibly get mad over such an adorable lil' smile?", Snow cooed as she tickled the writhing Regina on her tiny little toes as the baby Queen gave a cute gummy smile, though Snow did notice the smugness seemingly radiating from her.
As James fastened the diaper on Rumpy, his skills at fatherhood quickly developing, he tried not to laugh at the Sheriff who coughed as she opened the baby powder only to have it blast into her face making her skin a dusty white.
"When I see Blue, I'm totally gonna kill her", grumbled Emma as she wiped the excess powder away.
"Oh don't talk daft", James said as he jiggled Rumpy up and down against his shoulder wondering why the child, usually so full of love for him, seemed uncomfortable and awkward in his warm and tender grasp as his little eyes darted around the room seemingly searching for something.
"Well is Blue a complete dumbass or something?", Emma snorted as she opened up a diaper as Henry wandered in wiping cookie crumbs from his mouth, "You trusted her all this time back in the Enchanted Forest when she was nothing but an incompetent jerk in a stupid dress"
"Like she said, there were so many veins of magic used in the curse that if she picked the wrong one then things could change….."
"But if she does it again….they might end up as nothing more than a glint in someone's eye. We have to watch Blue closer, maybe get a second opinion on her spells or something?", said Snow as she tried not to laugh at Emma's feeble attempts at motherhood, "Haven't you done it yet? It's not rocket science"
"Ha!", exclaimed Emma as she scooped up baby Regina only for the diaper to fall straight off, "Oh for fu….don't even say anything Snow. It's not like I've had a lot of practice at this"
"Rumpy, are you alright lil' man? Do you want your binky?", said James in a soothing voice as he pushed the pacifier into Rumplestiltskin's little mouth as the baby gurgled and spat it back out with a fierce frown. "Snow, do you think he's ok?"
"I'm sure he's just a little cranky. I'll go and warm up some milk for them in a minute and….."
"No-no-no!", squeaked Emma as she leaned down over the gurgling infant Queen only for ten tiny digits to wrap in her hair and start pulling, "Ow-ow-ow…..bad Gina….get off! Off!"
"Emma, you should know that babies grab anything offered to them, tie your hair back", Snow said shaking her head in disbelief, once more thanking Regina for raising Henry as who knows what a disaster Emma would've been on her own.
As Emma prised her blonde locks away Regina made the de rigeur baby noises which made Snow sigh motherly, but behind the 'goo-goo, ga-ga' speak lay a sentiment of impending doom.
'How dare you treat me like this!? I'm the Queen! I'm the goddamn Mayor of this town!….. Miss Swan I swear that once I get my powers back I shall make you rue the day that….that…..Snow, you better not be thinking of…. you better not!…...', Regina howled but all the others could hear was the mewling of an infant.
"Isn't this dress adorable?", Snow squealed as she rummaged in the bags which James had purchased first thing this morning pulling out a lacy pink monstrosity bedecked with ribbons, bows and dancing teddy bears, "Why did you get this one, honey?"
"I didn't have much of a choice", shrugged James as the baby in his arms was also acting strangely, "The store only had that one, and I didn't know how long they'd be like this"
"Well Rumpy looks soooo cute in his onesie, don't you my lil' Rumpy-wumpy-darling", Snow said tickling him under the chin making the baby frown and kick his little legs in the powder blue onesie bearing a picture of Eeyore.
"Er….a little help?", Emma said as she turned the diaper over and over trying to figure out the right way up for she was really floundering.
'Really Miss Swan, can't you do anything right? How ever did you become Sheriff? I'm amazed you were ever given a driving licence given your level of sheer incompetence. This is ridiculous, can't you understand anything I'm saying? God, there isn't a word for the pain and suffering I shall unleash on you all once that idiot fairy does the right spell! Oh, and I should make a mental note to rip out Blue's spinal column and beat her to death with it', Regina ranted but, as ever, all that spilled from her drooling lips were baby noises.
"Emma, it's really not that hard. Give it here", said Henry with a smirk as he flicked the diaper and effortlessly sealed Regina in its fluffy soft warmth in just a few seconds.
"Wow kid, how did you know how to do that?"
"I'm ten….not retarded"
"Hey!", scoffed Emma as she watched the baby squirm on the bed who knitted her faint eyebrows in outrage as the uber girly baby dress came ever closer in the hands of Snow.
"Awwww, look at her all scowly…..I know how to put a smile on that cute little face", said Snow perkily as her fingers poised over Regina's podgy little tummy.
'You dare, Snow! You just dare! I'm the goddamn Queen, I will unveil a bloody vengeance on you that will make your skin burn with sulphur, your bones turn to dust and…and….s-stop that….i-it tickles…. he-he …S-Snow…I…. I will k-kill you….all of you…..he-he-he' , yelled Regina as her little legs kicked in the air as she giggled and drooled under the nimble fingers of Snow.
"See, I knew she had a pretty little smile, and at least this way Gina isn't always going on about her boobies", said the pixie haired woman as her dainty fingertips brushed over Regina's sensitive soles making her giggle again, despite what the embittered fallen monarch truly felt. But Regina was trapped in this helpless form and subject to the whims of the adults who bore gooey smiles down on her. Whims that included hideously flouncy pink dresses.
"Yeah, she is kinda sweet", Emma said as her uterus panged as she inhaled the soft buttery scent of the infant who writhed and gurgled on the bed, her scowl returning in an instant.
'No! You better not be…..don't you…I shall dance on your corpse as I…..he-he-he-he', were the words that Rumpy sought to articulate but only a string of giggles and gurgles spilled out as James picked the baby up high and blew raspberries on his sticky out tummy.
"Now, let's get Gina into this darling dress", Snow cooed waving the pink mass of frills and lace in front of Regina who choked on her outrage as her tiny eyes nearly popped from her head as a deluge of profanities erupted from her mouth, but as ever, only babyish gibberish filled the air.
"Wait, let me get my camera", said Henry as he darted from the room with a happy step.
'I am NOT going to let you treat me like this…..I am the one who goes by the charmless sobriquet of 'The Evil Queen' and my powers are infinite…oh, the horror and fear I shall bestow on…..'
"Uh-oh", sniffed Snow leaning down, "I think lil' Gina has gone poopsie in her diapee"
'WHAT!? How dare you say such things!? I'm not some…. some….. OH MY GOD! No-no-no-no! I-I couldn't have….. NOOOOO!', Regina screamed as she burst into tears of utter humiliation feeling the mushy warmth on her skin.
"Oh man, we only just put this one on", whined Emma as she pulled the crying baby towards her and felt the foul smells invade her senses.
"You know….maybe we should have a word with Blue. I mean, would it be so bad if we kept Rumpy and Gina this way?"
But as soon as Snow spoke those words the two wide eyed babies simultaneously began crying and wailing as loud as their little lungs could manage.