With You

"I'm not ready to just give in,
I know that I can't live in this pain, with these feelings of regret."

Jane

Even before my eyes adjust to the mid-afternoon light I know it's going to be a bad day. Then again when was the last time I had ever had a good day? I reluctantly head towards the kitchen to pour myself what feels like the hundredth cup of tea. I've got to stay awake because every time the light disappears beneath my eyelids I feel something in the shadows watching me, an invisible assassin whose mission is only to mentally torment me with his presence. He's doing a damn good job…

The walls whisper wicked words as I stumble shakily past the Bullpen and I feel three pairs of eyes staring into the back of my head – Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt – only they're not looks of worry anymore. I see it when they sit next to me in the car or whenever I decide to chip in a bit of information.

They're scared.

This, whatever it is, started about three weeks ago. By 'this' I mean feeling an unexplainable presence in the room, a lingering touch on my skin like a cold woman's kiss, waking up in an empty room which feels like somebody has just left. At first it was okay, I thought it was just my unconscious and conscious minds playing tricks on me, mixing up reality and dreams. But after the third night I started to panic.

Gradually I began to get more and more questions from the team, they were nice enough to joke about it and usually I would have given them a remark back worthy of an eye roll, but as the days went on I saw the smiles disappear, brows furrow and eyes start to shift back and forth between them.

I've never been paranoid about people watching me, even after Red John left his mark in my home but at crime scenes I've become jumpy, looking over my shoulder every two seconds and not concentrating on the case. I'm slowly beginning to crumble…

I've tried to hold it together. I really have. I've held it together to fool one person for three weeks with fakes smiles and cheeky remarks but only because I avoid them more and more as the weeks go by. I'm sure she's noticed, a smart woman like her doesn't miss a thing but she knows not to ask questions.

It was the concern in her voice and the change in her eyes which broke me the other day. I know I'm not easy to work with, I like it that way because it stops people getting too close, but to have someone see through all that and still care is, well, only one other person has ever done that before…

"Hey, Jane can I talk to you for a moment?"

Ah, the irony. I should have known that at any moment the person I'd been thinking about, the one person I truly trust and want to talk to should step hesitantly beside me. I'm so far away I don't hear her approach so I drop my half empty cup and scrabble clumsily as it skitters around the surface.

"Lisbon!" I say as I finally still my bouncing cup, "I didn't hear you come in! Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?"

I put on what I hope will pass off as a cheerful smile but Lisbon merely cocks her head to the side I know I haven't fooled her.

Of course you haven't.This is Teresa Lisbon we're talking about, the only woman who can read you inside and out!

"I just came by to see how you were getting on since we last spoke?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Everything is all smiles and blue skies and…" My voice falters mid sentence as she smiles knowingly and raises an eyebrow. There's no point lying and if I want to make my hands stop shaking I might as well tell her the truth. She deserves it.

"I'm still not sleeping well," I say quietly and she moves closer to me, her dark hair falling close to my arm. I've never noticed how long it's grown over these past few months and when did her face ever seem so welcoming. Wide eyes and lips in a cupid pout, I suddenly realise she is waiting for me to continue but I feel a sudden urge to reach out and stroke her face.

Patrick Jane, this lack of sleep has really driven you mad…

A wave of guilt catches me off guard and I lean against the fridge to support my shaking legs, the last thing I need is to make an even bigger scene by collapsing in front of everybody. That's right; I can see them watching us from the Bullpen. Honestly, they call themselves Agents? A nine year old would be better at spying on me than those three…

"I know Jane. You slept here last night."

I sigh and mentally punch myself for not straightening up the couch more neatly but then again it was a lost cause because she would have known I was there anyway. I slowly turn my gaze away from the idiots in the Bullpen and…Have her eyes always been that green or is it just the way the sunlight is shining on her face. No, it must be a new top or a different shade of eye shadow…God, have her eyes always been so green, peppermint with flecks of gold and blue?

What's happening to me?

"Anyway," she runs a hand through her hair and I can see she's nervous by the way I'm looking at her, even I'm suddenly nervous just standing in front of her. God I must look like a beggar dressed up in comedic attempt to look smart. Wait, shouldn't it be the other way round…shouldn't women be more worried about how they look?

"I've spoken with my friend and she said she'd be happy to help you so, if you like, I can take you to see her and she'll try and help?"

I can only stare. To be honest I thought she had only been making up her 'friend' as an excuse to make me feel better but to hear it was genuine…it doesn't surprise me. Instead it fills me with another emotion, something I can't describe, a feeling that makes me both want to laugh and cry but I do neither. I croak out a feeble, "Yes."

"Okay then," she smiles and I feel my body sag further into the fridge beside me, "I'll meet you at the little coffee house later on, if we don't get any more leads, and I'll drive you there."

"Right. After work. Okay."

Suddenly a huge grin breaks out across her face and I feel my eyes widen. What did I do to deserve that smile?

"I can tell you're not okay Jane because you haven't given me any snarky comments! I'll see you later."

Ah, that's why. I'm not my usual smug, arrogant self therefore I gain a glorious grin from Lisbon where other days I get a pout and a furrowed brow. Maybe I could get used to being less smug…

I lean up off the fridge and only then do I realise I have a smile on my face, a genuine smile, not like the one I've been plastering on my face to please the rest of the team but a proper reach-the-eyes grin. I'll play along with Lisbon's friend, tell her I feel fine and forget about the 'invisible assassin'. Everything is going to be okay.

However, happiness is a feeling I have learnt to never take for granted because I find it is always waiting to be snatched away. The smile vanishes from my face along with the thoughts of everything returning back to normal when I feel a cold finger trace down my neck. I whirl round, expecting to see Rigsby or Van Pelt but I meet a deserted corridor. I sense it, a presence, somebody standing right in front of me masked to the naked eye yet…there.

I turn and rest my hands on either side of the sink, not wanting the other agents to see the tears falling down my face as I contemplate whether these new things I'm feeling and unknown presences are all just a cruel joke or a bad dream. Or am I really going mad?

Author's Note: Short but sweet I'm hoping?
Writing first person Patrick is such a challenge but I love that! Sorry if a few of the tenses are mixed up, I was trying to get him to refer to how long the team has gradually noticed a change in him and I feel that bringing in his attraction to Lisbon will be a good thing for future chapters with Melinda ;D

Sorry about the late update :( UCAS needed doing...but you know the drill, review and I'll upload! Thank you so much to those who read the last chapter (:

With You - Ghost Musical Cast (I recommend listening to it!)