Too Much of a Good Thing
The heart is an organ necessary to life. Without the heart, we cannot live, and while some may be interpreting this statement metaphorically, I am meaning it scientifically.
One simply cannot live without their heart. It cannot be done.
Ever since Elsa shut me out for no reason yesterday, I poured over books, looking at medical diagrams and textbooks on the human body; specifically the heart. Every one of them states that the heart is vital for life, and one cure, heart transplant, is dangerous and has a high mortality rate.
It is best, of course, to accept a replacement from a donor within the family.
In Elsa's case, me.
Elsa simply cannot know about this until I found out what I'm going to do first, which means I have to call for a little talk with the Doctor discussing what to do next.
I did a little digging on the Doctor earlier today. I found out that his name is Frederic, and was recently appointed as our new family Doctor after our old one moved to Denmark a year ago. After looking through some of the castle records, it turns out he had a deceased wife, and left his family, which consisted of a girl and boy. What a guy.
I used to want to be a Doctor when I was little, that is, until my Dad explained to me what exactly a Princess was. Even now, I still think being a Doctor would be a perfect job for me. I could be the person that families would thank from the bottom of their hearts for saving their beloved child. That look in their eyes, the look of relief, gratitude, and most of all, unconditional love, is one that I can never get tired of.
As far as I know, I'm not even sure if I'm willing to give her my heart; her life in exchange for mine. I still have a long list of things I want to do in life; marry Hans, climb the North Mountain, and go sailing in the Mediterranean…
And adopt Albert.
I've been thinking about taking Albert in for a quite a while now. I received a letter from Hans yesterday, inviting me and Elsa to the Southern Isles in August, something that I haven't gotten around to replying to yet. Maybe I could bring Albert along. I know Hans will love him.
"Gerda!" I said, opening the door to the library. "Can you get me the family Doctor- Frederic?"
Gerda, who was just coming by with a platter of cookies, nodded. "Of course, dear. He's on the way to see your sister right now. Now, would you like one? They just came out of the oven!"
"No, no, I'm quite alright," I said, rushed, and hurried out of the room. There was no time to waste; I need to get to the Doctor before he gets to Elsa.
Gerda blinked in surprise. "Call me if you want one!"
oOoOo
Love is stupid.
There's no such thing as "true love". Anna should know that. What does she know about true love? Wanting to marry that man, what was his name? Christopher?
It's unreasonable, but I blame Anna for everything. I blame her for falling in love. I blame her for trying to show me the world. I blame her for meeting that boy Albert, saying those things, and most of all, I blame her for trying to change me.
What power does she have to change me? I don't even have the power to change myself, and then she comes along, with her innocence and insolence, singing about true love and sisterhood.
I wish I could tell her. I wish I could just tell her that life isn't all about sunshine and dandelions and the wind rushing through your hair. Life isn't about being happy.
Life is about surviving.
Those who survive, stay, and those who are too weak to endure, die.
But how does one tell their optimistic little sister that life is going to try to punish her, backstab her, and torture her forever?
There's one answer. One doesn't.
I stare at my bookshelf, scanning the books displayed there. They once belonged to my father, and before him, my grandfather. Some of these books are more than hundreds of years old.
I stood up shakily, and took out a book. I have to confirm something.
The Science of the Heart.
oOoOo
Please don't be too late. Please don't be too late.
It is imperative that I get to the Doctor before he gets to Elsa, because I need to clarify some things with him.
"Princess Anna?"
It was the Doctor. I spun around, grinning. "There you are!" I exclaimed, grabbing his arm and dragging him down the hallway and to the Library.
"Princess, may I ask," Frederic grunted as I pushed him inside the room before I slammed the double doors shut, "What are you doing? I have an appointment with your sister, and, just in case you've forgotten, she's your sister."
"Look, we had a deal," I reminded, "You're not going to tell her anything."
"She's in terrible shape; she has very little time left, I need to find a heart for her, and I must take some tes-"
I crossed my arms. "Oh, so is she some sort of experiment now?"
Frederic raised his arms up. "This sort of thing has never happened before, so I need to take some samples, and study them, you know?"
My blood boiled. "Elsa is not going to be some sort of specimen you can study!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the table. "All you are going to do is go over there, give her some medicine, and leave without saying a word.
"What if she asks me if she's healthy or not?" He challenged.
"I know just the thing for you," I replied. I grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote:
I AM MUTE.
"Wear that," I suggested. "Oh, and you may not write a word to her either," seeing him open his mouth in objection. "Now, you are going to listen to me…"
"You, my dear Doctor, may not visit Queen Elsa from now on, unless I tell you that you can, and you may only visit her if she is asleep. When taking blood samples, you will analyze them right in front of me. You are not allowed to leave the castle with any tools, specimens, samples, tests- anything. You will be searched when you leave the castle. Any news you have about Queen Elsa will come to me; and me only. You are not allowed to disclose any information on the Queen- end of story. If you accept any bribes for information, I will imprison your briber, and I will fire you-"
"You can't do that," He interrupted, walking over to an armchair and plopping himself down in the seat.
I grinned smugly. "Try me."
He stood up and sauntered over to the window, and stared outside at the sunny sky. "You can't risk firing me. Who knows, I might just…blab about your sister's birth condition."
"She doesn't have a birth condition."
Frederic laughed.
He laughed.
Like, an evil, booming laugh- the sort of laugh that comes from the stomach and resonates around the room, no matter where you are.
I crossed my arms.
He was still laughing.
I pursed my lips.
He's still laughing. He had to hold onto the bookshelf for support.
I tapped my foot impatiently. "Well, what's so funny?" I demanded.
"You mean…you never even suspected?" He choked. "Oh, this is priceless!"
oOoOo
I hate it when people taunt. It's infuriating, annoying, and most of all, tests my patience, and I already have none.
I'm a pretty strong person. I can lift heavy things, and right now, I'm seriously considering picking up an armchair and throwing it at Frederic.
He walked over to the door, and pulled it open. "I think it's best if you ask your sister," He smiled, and winked.
I hate winks.
And I really hate Frederic.
oOoOo
"Please?'
"No."
I cross my arms. "Well, why not, Max?"
"It's Marx, and the Queen said to not open the gates."
"Lookie here, Marx, I'm the princess, and I am ordering you to open the gates!" I demanded, standing up tall. "Right now," I added awkwardly. "Please."
"But-"
"Geez, if I knew birth order was such a big deal, I would have switched places with Elsa in the sky or wherever babies come from so I could come first and ask people to open the gates when I want them to!" I thought out loud, raising my eyebrow towards Marx. "Hm…I guess it's too late...huh…"
He fumbled around, looking for things to say.
"Hey! Higher being up there! You think you can take me back 21 years and make me first born?"
No reply.
"Thanks! I knew I could count on you." I call out again.
"With all due respect, Princess," Marx squirmed uncomfortably, "Now you're just being ridiculous."
"Oh, really?" I challenge, crossing my arms, "Marx, I am ordering you as the Princess to answer this question honestly: Have you ever worked here as a guard and ever wondered why in the name of Earth the Gates must be closed all the time?"
"N-"
"Don't lie to me!" I add, pointing a finger at his face.
"Yes," He changed quickly, looking down at the ground. "I'll open them now."
oOoOo
"Can we go sailing?" Albert asked, clutching my hand as we walked around the pier. "Today's weather is perfect."
"Are you sure you know how to sail?" I ask, swinging around the streetlamp, "because I sure don't."
"My dad gave me a few pointers," Albert beamed, dragging me along, "It's the only thing I have left of him."
"Oh," I stop. "Okay, then."
I have a morbid fear of boats, the sea, and any sort of key player in my parent's death. The sea, especially, intimidates me. But, here's Albert, a little boy who's only recollections of his father lies in tangible memories, and he is willing to reach out to his father, not physically nor spiritually, but mentally.
My own Dad once told me that every single memory is a star in the night sky, and if you really, really thought about someone or something, the star would sparkle.
I had replied by asking what would happen if I really thought about someone during the day, when the stars are gone.
And my dad just said, "Anna, there are times when you may think that something or someone doesn't exist at times, but they are really there, forever looking over you; forever loving you."
"Psh, yeah right," I snorted
"Huh?"
"Oh no, I was just, thinking out loud. Let's go sailing, okay, Al?"
oOoOo
"Queen Elsa, I would first like to ask what you are feeling right now. Any headaches, nausea, or pains I should know about?"
I am a Doctor; a man of science. I don't give any thought towards magic, or sorcery, because it's just not scientifically possible. I am probably the only person alive that doesn't believe in a God, or at least, a higher being.
So, when a patient like Queen Elsa comes up, I immediately find myself experiencing the biggest paradigm shift any human has probably ever felt.
"I feel…really cold. A bit lightheaded," The Queen replied, grimacing. "Like I could collapse any minute."
I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it. Princess Anna has warned, no, threatened me not to say anything about Queen Elsa's predicament, and while I don't give a hog monkey's uncle about what the spoiled brat has to say, she could very well be right.
If my speculations about the Queen prove to be accurate, then I could very well be staring at my death bed right now.
"It must be hard," I tested, carefully choosing my words, "to be born with such a burden."
It felt like the entire room was put in a gigantic freezer, because the temperature clearly dropped more than several degrees.
"Wh-what are you talking about?" The Queen stammered, fingering the fabrics of her gloves.
What am I talking about? I'm not sure, exactly, but something is keeping that frail body alive, and it sure isn't her frozen heart.
"You know what I'm talking about, your Highness," I bluff.
The room was below zero now, and the window glasses started to fog up.
The Queen looked like she had taken a punch. She just stood there, looking confused, scared, and…regretful?
"Who told you?" She demanded, her voice surprisingly firm. Spoken like a true Queen, it seems.
Bingo. "You did, your Highness."
Confusion.
"Just now," I added.
Betrayal flashed across her face, before the fear settled in again. Ice was starting to form on the walls, creeping across the room like spiders.
"You cannot tell anyone. If I find out anybody knows, then I will have you executed. You may not leave the castle grounds anymore; the gates will be permanently closed, and whatever you do, you may not tell An-"
"I know how to help you," I said, smiling. "Take a vacation."
Confusion, once again.
"I'm sorry, what?" The Queen asked quickly.
"Take a vacation. Now, I see a letter from, ooh, Prince Hans of the Southern Isles!" I scan the letter, reading it, "Inviting both you and your sister for a lovely break from Arendelle! I promise you, your majesty, this is by far the best treatment I can give you right now." I reassure, shoving the letter in her hands. "I will watch you write the reply."
Tick tock.
oOoOo
We didn't go sailing.
The harbourmaster's wife was sick, so he wasn't there, so his apprentice took his place, so the apprentice's dog came along, so the dog had to wake up early, so the dog was hungry, so the dog went to go find food, so it happens that while we were just going to unload the boat, the dog runs straight through it, basically splitting it in half.
Did I mention the dog was a Great Dane?
"I'm so sorry, Al, I'll buy you a new boat," I repeated for the umpteenth time.
No answer.
"Al?"
No answer.
"Albert?"
"That was my Dad's," He finally said, staring ahead.
"Oh," I breathe, unsure of what to say. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I lost my mother's wedding tiara."
Albert gasped. "You did not!"
I laughed. "Yes, I did! Although, it doesn't matter much, now that she's…"
Albert looked horrified. "Oh, I'm so sorry Princess Anna! I…I wasn't thinking!"
"It's just Anna. And do you want to go to the meadow again?"
"Yes!"
oOoOo
It's out.
My secret is out.
My entire life lies in the hands of this Doctor.
Don't let them know.
My dad's voice has been playing on a constant loop in my head for the past half hour. I turned around to face his portrait; his face staring right at me; the mustache, and the eyes, all repeating the same lines.
Conceal it.
"I did," I say out loud.
Don't feel it.
"I feel so, so cold, Dad, I don't know what's happening to me," I mumble to the painting.
Don't let it show.
"I'm trying!" I scream. "I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying!"
Something inside me snapped. Suddenly, it didn't seem so crazy that I was screaming at a portrait of my very much dead father.
The last time I felt like this, it was when my parents had just died.
News travels slowly; it moves like slime. The body gets found; and they drowned at sea so that took about a week or so. Then, the shocked fishermen then alert some sort of authorities, who then have a lucky run in with a citizen who recognize the bodies. After that, the authorities then dispatch messengers to Arendelle, which could very well take two to three weeks.
The thing about life is that it's so fragile. Any breath could very well be your last. Any action can lead you straight to the doors of death. But death is inevitable; we all die. Earlier or later, it doesn't matter; we all end up in the same place.
Before Mom and Dad's death, I was reading.
After Mom and Dad's death, I was still reading.
But it hadn't occurred to me while reading The Illiad, as I passed from one word to another, my parents had just died.
And yet, even after something that clearly involved me had just happened, I continued reading because I had no idea what had just transpired.
And when the news did come to me, something inside me broke.
And then, there was Anna. She came to my room; after the funeral.
"Elsa?" She asked, knocking on my door. Three simple knocks; unlike the one she used to use as a kid.
A knock I never acknowledged.
"Please, I know you're in there," She whispers softly. "People are asking where you've been."
I'm in here Anna. I'll always be here.
"They say 'have courage', and I'm trying to," She continues. "I'm right out here for you; just let me in!"
And, I'm shameful to admit that at that moment, I considered letting her in and putting her in danger. Again.
"We only have each other," She said softly, leaning against. "Just you and me."
Like old times, my dear sister.
"What are we going to do?"
And just like that, she said it again.
"Do you want to build a snowman?"
It was the last time I ever heard her say that.
I loved my parents.
But recently, I have had to ask myself a question.
Did they love me?
They loved Anna. I could tell from the way they looked at her, and the way they would hug her. They would view her as a human being, with feelings and emotions, while they would look at me like a broken toy that needs to be fixed.
My dad in this painting; he looks regal, confident, and proud. He knows what he's doing; he knows what he's going to do, and he knows what is going to happen.
That's how it goes with my dad. He knows.
Did he know about me, though? When he was going to have his first daughter; his heir, did he know that I was going to have ice powers?
Did he know that I was going to be a disappointment?
Did he know that I was going to be a burden?
Did he know that I was going to be a failure?
I shake the thoughts aside. Of course my parents loved me. Everything they had ever done for me, was for my own perfection, and I have everything to thank them for it.
Everything except for Anna, that is.
oOoOo
I have recently taken to trying to guess what Frederic meant by my sister's "birth condition". So far, I have come up with asthma, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and anorexia nervosa.
Oh, and amathophobia. See, the thing is, she wore those gloves all the time, so I figured, she must have a thing about dust. It probably comes from her obsessive compulsive disorder, and a desire to be clean, or something.
What I can't figure out, though, is why she would never tell me about her medical afflictions. What about mom and dad? Did they know? In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a single person in the castle save Frederic knew exactly what Elsa has.
"How is Queen Elsa?" Albert had asked.
"Normal," I replied after some thought. "Things are just the way they were."
The truth is, I need someone to talk to. I need someone whom I can lean on, someone who can advise what to do with my sister, someone I can talk to and cry with. Someone who will be there for me, even when my own sister isn't there for me.
So, with a determined mind, I picked up my pen, and wrote:
Dear Prince Hans,
I will be happy to accept your offer to vacation at the Southern Isles for two weeks. Elsa and I have talked it over, and we would love to come and have a great time.
See you soon,
Princess Anna of Arendelle
After all, white lies are harmless, right?
A recent review from sakurazaki90 has lead me to want to clarify something: Elsa's current medical situation.
Elsa is alive, and very much so, but is suffering from a special type of heart disease (her heart is frozen) and needs a heart transplant. While this is also a very key part of the story, this is also used as a metaphor for something that is very common in real life; people who live and function as human beings, but have very little heart at all.
Another thing: Anna's attitude towards Elsa.
Don't misinterpret: in this story, Anna still loves Elsa. However, this fanfiction is taking a much more realistic approach to the whole matter. Anna is in love with the idea of Elsa. The idea of a sister who looks like Elsa who will be there for her when Anna needs her. But, the real Elsa is far from that image, and a big part of Anna in this story is growing up and finding the differences and harmonies of reality and imagination.
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