So, I've started to combine a few chapters to make them longer. That means it'll be a bit shorter chapter-wise. Thanks for all the reviews. I know it's heavy but I think it's worth it.

Chapter 4

They said Rachel screamed when they told her.

I don't know who found us. I just don't remember. I tried. But there's just… there's nothing there. Not after those lights. I can still see the lights. The lights are always there.

She waited for us at the airport. I couldn't imagine that. Just sitting there. Realizing finally that we weren't coming. Did she think something happened? That I'd forgotten? That I'd run away?

She never told me. Who came and got her that night. Who told her. Who held her when she cried.

Of course… of course, I'd never asked.

When I woke up, she wasn't there.

And I was a big girl. I'd spent the last year sleeping by myself (well most nights. The nights I didn't, I tended not to remember anyway). But… there was that familiar feeling of panic setting in when I noticed she was gone.

I rose and took a deep breath in order to control my breathing. I concentrated on trying to feel her. It was weird but I could always feel her.

Now I was faced with a decision. If she wasn't in bed that meant she was out there. With them. I mean she'd basically just announced to the room she was tired at like six o'clock in the afternoon. So obviously she wasn't sleeping. So did I go out there? Did I stay in here? I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was ten. I'd slept for four hours.

I stood up and looked in the mirror. Oh hell… I looked liked shit. I went in the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and threw on a pair of shorts and t-shirt. And then I just stared at myself. I wanted to go out there. See what she was doing. But I didn't. Because it some ways I didn't want to know.

After about five minutes of arguing with my reflection, I figured screw it, and decided to go find her.

I could hear voices in the living room. But only two. I started to turn around when I realized who the other one was.

"Am I interrupting?" I announced when I walked in.

Rachel was sitting in a chair on one side of the room, her legs underneath her. Hope was sitting on the couch.

Rachel shook her head at me. "Sleep well?"

Hope wouldn't look at me. I surveyed the room. Trying to figure out where to sit. "Apparently."

Rachel nodded. I wasn't sure what she was agreeing with.

I finally decided to just sit in the chair on the opposite side of the couch. This was awkward. But no way I was leaving Hope in here with her now. I avoided eye contact with Hope because I still wanted to clock her. "So what are you doing?" I asked Rachel.

"We were just talking," she smiled sadly.

Hope huffed but didn't speak.

I didn't know if I should be in here or not. Maybe I was interrupting. Maybe Rach needed this. Me throttling this interloper would probably make things more complicated.

"Did you know about us?" So she could speak.

"Excuse me?"

She turned and looked at me pointedly. "Did you know about us?" She gestured to Rachel. "Rachel and me? Did you know we were together?"

"Rachel told me. I saw you with her. The other day." I was watching Rachel's face as I talked. She was looking away.

"No," Hope said, shaking her head. "Before. Did you know about us before?"

"No." It wasn't easy to hide my shame. "I didn't."

She nodded. "No. You didn't. You didn't know anything at all about Rachel. Because you hadn't bothered to check on her. Not once."

"Hope don't…" Rach started.

I held up my hand to stop her and turned to the girl. "I didn't. You're right. You also apparently like to state the obvious; so do you have a point you're trying to make or are you just talking?"

"Oh, I've got a point. You said that I didn't know you. Fair. I don't. Because you left. Like a coward. You left her broken, nursing whatever wound it was you thought needed nursing. Because you run. Isn't that right?"

"Hope…" Rachel started again.

I fought the urge to stand up. "No, let her talk," I said to her. I turned to Hope. "I know what I did. I don't need anyone drawing me a map. But you have no idea what I've…"

"Right," she said, interrupting me. "No idea what you've been through. Losing a child? Is that it? Because Rachel didn't suffer the same fate. Just you. It was all about you."

Rachel sighed and stood up. "Okay, that's enough."

"Is it Rachel?" She asked, turning to her. "Is that it? I just get tossed aside when she swoops back in," she looked briefly at me before turning back to her. "I don't understand. We were good…" Her voice choked. I started to feel like I was in the wrong place. I thought about getting up and just leaving them to hash this shit out on their own and then I heard "I love you."

And yep, never mind.

"So do I," I stated.

Rachel sighed. "I don't know what to say," she finally answered. She got up and sat down next to her. I found myself gripping the armrests. "I wouldn't have survived without you," she told her.

I looked away.

"Do you love me?" Hope asked her.

I could feel Rachel staring at me. No way I was turning around. I really should have just got up and left, but it was like some damn horror movie and I couldn't stop.

"It's not that simple," Rach whispered.

"It used to be." She scoffed. "Of course, there was no Quinn then. Is that it? Quinn comes back and what… you don't love me anymore?"

"No. That's not it." Rachel finally answered.

I stood up. "So, I'm just gonna go for a walk." I did not want to hear any more of this.

Rachel grabbed my arm. "Wait," she said, pulling me back. "Sit down, please."

I sat in the chair she'd just occupied and crossed my arms.

"I love Quinn more." She finally said. "I've never felt the same way about anyone. I've never even felt close…" She sighed and I tried not to smile. "I do love you," she whispered to her. I didn't want to wince but I'm sure I did, because she shot me a look. "But… it's not the same."

"Because I'm safe. Because I won't run. Because I put you first," Hope said. "Because I'm not dangerous." She cut her eyes at me before she jumped up.

I copied suit. "Wanna find out how dangerous?" I asked her.

"Yes," She said. "I do." She stalked over to me.

Rachel stood up between us. "Sit down!" She yelled at me. She turned to Hope. Her voice was sadder. "That's not why I love her. And that's not who she is."

Hope rolled her eyes. "You're perfect together. You're both self-centered. Self-destructive." She pushed past her. "Maybe you'll both get what you want and you'll finally kill each other." She huffed, walking out.

When she was gone, I touched her shoulder. "Rachel…"

"Don't," she muttered, shrugging me off. She walked onto the patio.

I didn't follow her. I just opened a bottle.

I moved through the days after the accident in a fog.

How are you supposed to comfort someone when you can't deal with your own grief? It wasn't a question I asked myself at the time, but it was the excuse I used later.

We flew to Lima for the funeral at it was… well it was awful. I'd declined the pain medicine (my leg was broken), and the anxiety medicine (and so was everything else).

But Rachel hadn't. She was a zombie. I didn't know what they had given her. I hadn't asked.

We stood outside in the rain. And people said things. There were speeches about life being cut too short. The loss of a child.

There was no music.

I cried that day. But Rachel didn't.

Not that day. That day she stood there with her arms around her body. She wouldn't let anyone hold an umbrella for her. And she refused to hold one herself. She just stood there, shivering in the rain. Everyone watching her. Everyone watching me. I could feel their eyes. I cowered under their stare, but she never even pretended to acknowledge them.

I stood beside her. Noah had to help me stand. My mother was holding my arm in a grip so tight I was certain she'd bruised me.

When I looked at Rachel… said her name… she'd turned towards me, but… she stared though me like I was invisible. I watched the confusion wash over her face as she turned back towards the grave.

"It's the medicine," someone whispered in my ear.

I wished it was that simple.

When her father asked her if she needed something, she blinked at the sound but seemed not to know where it came from.

There was one point when I think she almost fell. I recall Finn and Santana lunging for her. When I turned around, she'd already jerked away from them.

Her voice cut through the air only once. "I'd like to wake up now," she whispered.

Everyone stopped, but she wasn't speaking to any of us.

It was easier to close my eyes.

When it was over, she moved by me quickly. I called her name but she didn't stop. I cursed the stupid crutches and the tears that were streaming down my face. If I could just get to her...

She was moving aimlessly but quickly away from us. I had to be content with Kurt and Blaine following her. Finn was always a few feet away… waiting to catch her. Doing my job.

I heard my mother's soft voice brush against my ear. "We all deal differently, sweetheart."

All I could do was nod. I was drowning in the same grief.

In the same guilt.

I don't know how she got back to her father's house. I rode in the back of one of the limos with my face pressed against my mother's lap. Her hands were soft in my hair and all I wanted to do was crawl into her so she could make the pain go away. She bent over and whispered against my head. "My baby…"

It made me cry harder.

When we got back to her fathers' house, Rachel wouldn't come inside. Everyone begged her. Her dads. My mom.

Brittany cried on the front porch.

Kurt cried in bathroom.

I stood about ten feet away from her. She was staring at nothing. Her eyes were dry. But they seemed to be made of glass.

"Please come inside," I finally tried. My voice hurt.

"I'd like to wake up now," she said again. She still wasn't talking to me.

That was the first night I drank an entire bottle of scotch. Eva had a bedroom at both of her grandparents' house. I sat in the one at the Berry's staring at the mobile above her bed and didn't stop until I passed out.

The last thing I remember is my mother crying softly somewhere beside me.

When I woke up the next morning and looked outside, I saw Rachel's fathers standing on the porch. They still had their suits on.

I followed their gaze and saw her.

She was sitting on the grass in the same place I'd left her yesterday.

I drank the whole bottle before she came back inside.

She stood across the room and stared at me. Her arms were wrapped around her body. I shuddered at the memory it brought back.

"Why?" She finally asked.

"Why what?" I was drunk. I hadn't eaten anything and I'd downed the bottle pretty fast.

She didn't move from where she was standing. "Why do you do this? It doesn't… after everything that happened? How can you even think about…"

I shook my head. "Welcome to irony," I muttered.

"Why can't you try to stop? Why can't you try to live? If I'm willing to try, why can't you?" She rubbed her temples. "Do you even want to quit?"

I went to stand up and the room started spinning. I fell back in the chair. "I don't need the lecture, Rachel." I crossed my arms. "It's not like I'm shooting up heroin."

"Only you would qualify an addiction," she murmured. "I don't want to lose you, Quinn."

"I'm not going anywhere, Rachel."

"You've mastered the art of avoidance." She moved and sat down on the couch. "Are we self-destructive?"

"Why are you listening to her? She doesn't know me." I groaned.

She nodded. "No, she doesn't; you're right. But she knows me." I shuddered at her words. "She does. Sorry if you don't want to hear that."

"Don't we have a right?" I asked her. "Don't I? If I can make it stop hurting, don't I have a right to do that? Or am I supposed to just feel this way the rest of my life?"

She leaned back against the couch and propped her feet up. She rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. "You want to know what my favorite memory of her is?"

"No." I didn't want to talk about her. Not tonight.

"I don't care. I'm going to tell you anyway."

"Whatever," I mumbled.

"One day I just had to go for a run. It was one of those mornings where I just had to… I don't know, get out. It wasn't long after she was born. But I felt like I was doing everything. The feeding. The changing." I started to speak but she stopped me. "Don't. I cherish every single one of those moments now." She closed her eyes for a moment. "But at the time, I just needed to get out. Get back to normal. And she'd been crying all night. Do you remember?"

I shook my head.

"I just wanted some peace. I mean I wasn't even gone thirty minutes. I felt so bad for leaving her. For leaving you. But when I got back, she wasn't crying. It was weird because the room was so quiet. And you were lying there with her. On the floor – like you'd both just passed out or something. It was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen. She was sleeping on your chest." She smiled sadly.

I did remember. I had an awful crick in my neck when I'd woken up.

I nodded at her. "You were ready to strangle me that day."

She nodded back. "You said you didn't even hear her crying that night. Your selective hearing is impressive."

I laughed a bit. "Sometimes."

"I know you thought I blamed you." She said, looking at me. "And maybe I did. But it wasn't why I was so angry. So cold…"

I didn't expect that. "Why then?"

"Because you had her for a whole week more than me," she said so quietly I had to strain to hear her. "Who'd have thought one week would be that big of a deal?"

Of course. I'd never even realized that. "I didn't even… I should've thought about…"

"I just thought if I wished hard enough, I'd wake up."

"Rachel…"

She held up her hand to stop me. "It's over. We can't change what happened. No matter how much we want to." She stood up. "We're still alive." She looked at the bottle. "And moderately healthy," she sighed. "But, I won't tolerate a drunk, Quinn. And you're a drunk. A sad, heartbroken drunk. But a drunk just the same. I want you to be better. I want to get better. I want to be happy again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting to die. And I don't want to spend the rest of it wondering when you will. So it ends. You stop drinking. Find a way to give it up. Or leave. I need to get better. And I'm grateful that you've gotten me this far. I really am," she sat down on the arm of my chair and put her arm around me. "But, now I want to be better. And I can't get there watching you do this to yourself."

I put my head against her chest and wrapped my arms around her waist. I loved how my head fit so perfectly against her. "I don't think I can just stop, Rachel. I've tried to stop," I was whispering. "It wasn't pretty."

"I can deal with the non-pretty. I can deal with everything bad that comes with it. But, I won't deal with the apathy anymore."

"I'm just so afraid you'll leave…"

"Why?" She pulled me to her. "Can't you see how much I don't want to leave you?"

"Because it's bad. It will be awful. I don't know if I want you to see me like that."

She pulled back and looked at me. "Quinn, I've seen you break. I've seen you as HBIC. I've put up with names, insults, slushies - all from you. Hell, I've even seen you screwing some college student in. My. Bed…" She took a deep breath. "So I think I can deal with this."

I nodded. "I'm sorry for what I did. With those girls. I should've…"

She pulled further back. "Those girls?" She stood up, hands on her hips. "I freaking knew it."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Rach… I'm sorry… I…" apparently keep putting my giant foot in my giant mouth.

She looked like she might execute a storm out but then she just sighed and sat back on the armrest. She put her head in her hands. "You're a freaking idiot," she mumbled into her hands. "Ugh. I knew there were other girls. I wasn't stupid. I was just playing pretend. Ignoring them made it seem like a one time mistake."

I shrugged. "I guess we've both got to stop ignoring our problems?"

She seemed to be thinking. "Yeah. Your problem is drinking and my problem is all the girls you've slept with." She scrunched up her face. "Holy crap!" She jumped up. "That's your problem too. How is that my problem?" She cut her eyes at me, but I caught the edge of a smile as well. "Okay, you deal with the drinking and I'll deal with the fact that you're a dumbass. Is that fair?"

I pulled her into my lap and kissed her. She giggled softly and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Guess it's fair…" I said.

She pulled away and smacked me on the arm. "You don't sound convinced."

"Well I mean now I've got to stop drinking while you ride me about that." No way I was saying "those girls" or anything else that could get me in trouble.

She hopped up, smirking. "Guess you're screwed, Fabray." She said, as she ran into our bedroom.

I moved to follow her and she stuck her head back through the door. "And I definitely don't mean literally," she smiled, running back inside.

I smiled to myself. I was screwed. No doubt about that. This was gonna be hard. I'd stopped drinking before. Or at least tried. I knew the drill. But… Maybe we had a chance. Maybe we could get through this.

I knew there was another bottle in the kitchen. I'd brought several in while Rach was in town today. And I looked that way for a few minutes. I mean I just stood there staring. Every cell in my body told me to get that drink. Just the last one. The one that helps me go to sleep.

And then I looked the opposite direction. At the bedroom. Where I knew she was. I could hear her washing her face. Brushing her teeth.

I kept looking back and forth because I had to make a decision. My body wanted to go into the kitchen. It was fighting with me just to go. But my heart, it's a traitor that's for sure.

When I got in the room, she was sitting up in bed waiting for me. "Wasn't sure you were coming?" She smiled softly.

I raised my eyebrow at her. "Is that an invitation?"

She rolled her eyes. "To bed. I wasn't sure you were coming to bed."

I shrugged. "I'm here, aren't I?"

She patted the bed next to her. "Yeah. You are."

I moved over and sat down.

"Will you hold me?" She asked me. "Just hold me? Like you used to?"

"Of course."

"Great!" She said, clapping her hands. "Now, go brush your teeth. Beause there is no way you are getting in my bed smelling like a big bottle of whiskey."

I got up. "It was rum," I called behind me.

"Don't care," she called back.

Once I finished, I sauntered back in the room. "All better?" I asked her.

She nodded, excited like a little kid and scooted over so I could get into bed with her. I pulled her to me once I lay down and she snuggled into my side and wrapped her leg around me before putting her head on my chest. I felt her fingers drawing patterns on my other side. She nuzzled her head into my neck. "My god," she whispered into my ear sleepily.

"What?" I whispered back, hugging her to me.

I could feel her burying her face in my neck. "It's nothing. You just make me feel… safe. That was what was missing. When I was cold... No one else can do that but you."

Since she and I had been apart, I'd been broken. I waited till her breathing evened and I knew she was asleep before I answered her. "You make me feel whole. No one else could do that but you."

"Hey," I heard. "You gonna get up? It's almost two."

I turned over in the bed. "No." I pulled the pillow over my head.

San sat down on the edge and put her hand on my shoulder. "You need to get up."

"Please leave me alone," I muttered.

She moved off the bed and opened the curtains. "Get up, Fabray."

I glanced up and the sunshine was blinding. "Ugh," I moaned, pulling the pillow back over my head. "Fuck you, Lopez."

She sat back down. "Thanks for the invitation and all, but I think that lines long enough." She sighed. "Rachel isn't blind, Quinn. Neither are the rest of them. You guys choose to buy this giant house and live like hippies on a commune. And it's cool and all, but… if anyone else was as astute as I was, they'd have already caught you." She tried to pull the pillow away from my head, but I held on tighter. "You keep this up and there is no going back."

I opened my eyes and looked at her. "Rachel hates me."

She shook her head. "No. She's hurting. And you're destructing. What the hell is this getting you? Except a damn disease probably. I can't keep pretending not to see you leaving here all hours of the night." She grabbed the collar of my t-shirt. "There's lipstick on your shirt. Whore Red. Rachel would rather sell her soul to reality television than wear that cheap shit." She spat out. I heard her take a breath and try to calm herself. "Look Q, sooner or later, they're gonna figure it out. I can't fucking help you if that happens."

"No one asked you to," I said, turning away from her. I ripped the shirt off and threw it on the floor, just the same.

She sighed again and bent over to pick it up. I heard her stop when she opened the door. "You're fucking up everything in your life, dumbass." She shut the door. "Everything," she muttered on the other side.

I let her leave. I didn't tell her she was right.

I didn't care.

When I woke up Rachel wasn't in bed again. And it was scary again because… well, because it was always scary. When you weren't sure if you had someone, when you were terrified they were going to leave… you began to fear their absence.

Of course Rachel had always gotten up before me. Even before Eva. Especially after. I shook the familiar fear away and made my way to the bathroom.

While I was getting ready I could smell breakfast. It was weird. We had pretty much existed on a steady diet of coffee (her) and alcohol (me) since we got here. I couldn't believe she was cooking.

Then I heard voices. I forgot they were here.

Everyone was in the kitchen when I went in there. Everyone except one.

I raised my eyebrow at Rachel.

"Morning," she smiled at me.

They were all sitting around the table. Eating pancakes, omelets, bacon. It was strange. Like before…

I looked around again.

"I took her to the airport this morning," Santana said, reading my mind.

"You're staying?" I asked her.

Brittany smiled. "For a few days." She looked to Rachel for conformation before turning back to me. "If that's okay with you, Q?"

I shrugged. If she wanted them to stay… well, at least Hope was gone. That was enough.

I sat down at the table and Kurt put a plate in front of me. "You still like western omelets, don't you?"

I nodded, warily. "Is it poisoned?"

"Quinn!" Rachel squealed.

What? It was a valid question.

He laughed. I guess that was a good thing. I didn't know anymore. I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone. "No. Not poisoned. But it is extra fluffy."

"Okay," I said tentatively. I took a bite and was at least relieved that it didn't taste poisoned.

Mercedes handed me a cup of coffee. "Black," she smiled.

I took it from her and smelled it.

"I didn't poison you either, girl," she laughed.

"Can't be too careful…" I muttered taking a drink.

Puckerman was studying me. Hard. He looked around the room before clearing his throat. "Q, uh…" He took a deep breath. This should be rich. "We wanted to say sorry for the way we've been… uh acting, and stuff. We jumped to some pretty ridiculous conclusions the last few days."

"The last year," Blaine added.

Sam shrugged at me.

"It's fine," I muttered. It was too early for this shit.

Britt shook her head. "It's not."

"Well," I sighed. "I was an asshole. I get your loyalties. I'm glad you've got them."

"Yeah," Mercedes started. "But we should've been more understanding. We know you loved Eva and that…"

I held up my hand. "Look, I'm going be honest. You guys make Rachel happy, so I'm all for you staying. I don't have a problem with any of you." I looked to the door. "Well, except the one that left. But… I'm not at that point yet. Okay? I can't talk about her."

"Quinn," Rachel started.

"No, Rachel… I'm serious about this. I screwed up. Royally. I get it. I know it. But I'm not ready to pour my heart out." I took a drink of coffee. I don't know how the hell anyone thought I could stop drinking while they were here.

Britt looked around and smiled sadly at Rachel before turning to me. "We're worried about you, Quinn."

"I'm gonna have to call bullshit on that one…" she started to speak, but I held up my hand. "Doesn't matter. I'm not discussing it. End of story."

Everyone sort of stood around staring at me. At one point, that would have been enough to break me. Now… I couldn't even bother to care.

Sam clapped his hands, obviously freaked at the awkwardness. "So what is there to do on this island?"

Rachel watched me carefully before addressing him. "There's a pool…" she said. She looked thoughtful. "And a market. The market's awesome. Shopping is fun. There's a place where I got this amazing shampoo. My hair feels like silk," she moved closer to Brittany. "Touch it."

Nothing like random Rachel.

And Britt just rubbed it like that was normal. Cooing about Rachel's angel hair and… blah blah blah. I stopped listening.

"We don't have bathing suits," Mercedes cried. "We need suits. " She eyeballed Sam. "Plus your ass needs sunscreen, Mr. Pasty."

He frowned.

Blaine patted her shoulder. "We can go to town and get that stuff."

Santana shook her head. "You guys go. Just get me a suit or whatever. Me and Q are gonna stay here and have a heart to heart."

Great. I smiled at Rachel so she wouldn't be worried.

I shook my head at Santana. "Be careful what you wish for there. Rachel will bring you back a pastel bathing suit with bows on it."

She whirled around and gave Rach a look. "Berry, you wouldn't…"

She laughed. "No. I wouldn't. I bought Quinn a…"

"…purple bathing suit with bows on it," I finished for her.

She rolled her eyes. "And a black one."

I shook my head at Santana. "That was later. After I threw…"

"… a fit like a child," Rachel finished.

They laughed.

"We won't get you a pastel bathing suit," B said. "No worries."

San looked wary. Smart really. "You promise?"

B nodded. "No girlie suit. We got it. Don't be silly." She turned to Puck. "You'll look good in pink."

He started shaking his head. "No way. I'm coming." He said, grabbing the keys. "And I'm driving."

Rachel smirked, grabbing her sunglasses. "Let's go," She told them. They followed her out. She stopped and turned around. She made her way back in the kitchen when everyone was gone but Santana and me. "Are you going to be okay?"

I didn't answer her at first. I looked around the kitchen. She'd hidden the alcohol. Or thrown it away. I wasn't sure. Fuck no, I wasn't gonna be okay. "I'll be fine," I tried to smile.

S was watching us. She grinned at Rachel. "No worries. I won't let her get in trouble."

She looked like she didn't really trust her, but she smiled anyway. "Okay…" She finally muttered. The others were calling her.

"Go, seriously. San's right. No worries."

She walked over and kissed my cheek. "Love you," she whispered in my ear.

I winked at her.

She smacked my arm before walking out. "Stop doing that," she giggled, winking back.

God that made my knees weak.

Santana refreshed her coffee after they left. "Want some more?"

I watched them pull out of the driveway. When they were gone, I turned to her. "Where's the liquor?" I asked.

She poured me some coffee. "What?" She feigned innocent. She was terrible at it.

"The liquor," I stated again. "Where is it?"

She shrugged and sat down. "In your body?"

I didn't bite. "There was more." I told her, getting up. I started opening the cabinets. "What did she do with it?"

She sighed. "So… I took Hope to the airport this morning. That was fucking pleasant."

There was nothing. Fuck. "Glad she's gone," I said, turning around. "Now, where is it?"

"She cried all the way there. I never fucking liked her. So damn clingy." She muttered, taking a drink. "Always with the 'I love you, Rachie.' Who the hell calls her Rachie? That shit is so…"

I stalked over to her and slammed my hands down on the table. "Where's the fucking liquor, S?"

She jumped. "Jesus, freak… I don't fucking know. It was gone when I got back." She took another drink of coffee.

I stormed off and headed for the garage.

"Where are you going?" She called after me. "Fuck…"

I found the bottles in the boxes behind some cabinets. Rachel didn't know those were there. I opened one and took a drink. It burned like a sin.

She walked in behind me. "Goddamn it," she muttered, walking over to me. "Where'd you get it?"

"I can't do this," I mumbled. I sat down on the garage floor. "I want to. I do… but I can't." I was shaking. I took another drink.

"I know," she said quietly. "I think Rachel realizes you drink too much but I don't think she understands."

"What do you mean?"

"What happened the last time you tried to quit?"

I sighed. "I was in Vegas. About six months ago I guess. It was one of those weeks where I couldn't tell one day from the next. I met this girl in L.A, the last time I was there." I shook my head. "Anyway, she was messed up. You know?" She nodded. "And well, I was too. We partied for a few days. I don't even know how many… but one day I woke and I… I…" I faltered.

"You what?"

"I was in the bathroom. Passed out on the floor. I found her in the bedroom… she had a bruise on her cheek." I took a deep breath. "When I woke her up… she was terrified of me. Shaking. She ran past me and hid in the closet." I looked at her. "Said I'd hit her. Said I'd lost my shit…" I didn't want to tell her.

She must have been able to tell. "I get it…"

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "I was so freaked out. I left. Got a room at some fleabag motel and I tried so hard to get clean." I made eye contact with her. "I mean I get it. I know what you guys think about me drinking, okay?"

She didn't answer.

"It isn't like I don't know what happened that night. But it was just so much easier than…" I shook my head. I couldn't go down that road again. "After I left that girl, I tried. I promise I did. But it hurt. I was okay for a few hours, but then… then the shakes set in. And I couldn't sleep. God knows I just wanted to sleep. But I was hallucinating. Have you ever done that?"

She shook her head.

"I kept hearing a baby cry. The longer it went on the worse it got. My head started pounding. I couldn't see. My heart was racing. And then I couldn't think. I didn't know it could get any worse. Not until the vomiting started..."

She was watching me and if I hadn't been freaking out, I would've been impressed with how quiet she was.

"I don't know who and I've asked myself a million times why, but someone found me. When I woke up I was in a hospital. As soon as I was able, I walked out. They didn't want me to go, but…" I looked away. "The first thing I did was find a liquor store." I stood up, bottle in hand. "I tried a couple of times after that. But I didn't make it past the first shakes."

She frowned.

I brushed my hair out of my face. "I told her I'd stop… She's gonna leave me…"

"Let's go back inside," she said sadly.

I followed her. We sat down at the table.

"You've got to tell her," she said. She took another drink of coffee. "There's no point in lying to her."

"Right… and she's gonna leave. And as soon as Kurt and the rest of them find out, they're gonna make her."

She shook her head. "I won't let them," she frowned. "If you tell them."

I nodded. "I need this," I told her, gesturing with the bottle.

"I know you do. Just drink what you need." She sighed. She got up and started cleaning the kitchen. "And put it away before they get back. No need to rub it in her face."

"Okay," I told her. I sat at the table while she cleaned. I downed about half the bottle.

She took it away from me. "I'm gonna put this in here," she said, sticking it in a cabinet in the living room. "Go brush your teeth," she said. "They'll be back soon."

I got up and went into the bathroom. I was so ashamed of myself. Of what she just saw. But I was kinda glad she was here.

When I came back out, they were back. Rachel was carrying several bags. "Find anything?" I asked her. Shit… how could she buy that much stuff in that little time?

"We needed stuff," she smiled.

Brittany pulled out a bathing suit. "No pastels," she smiled at Santana and kissed her. "See? Rachel picked it out."

It was difficult not to roll my eyes because it was definitely better than the lavender bathing suit I'd gotten.

Santana grinned at Rachel. "You're awesome, you know that?"

Rachel nodded. "I am aware."

"And modest," Blaine added.

"Extremely," she agreed.

They went to change. They were excited to go to the beach. Rachel wrapped her arms around me after they were gone. "How are you?" She asked.

I hugged her. "I missed you."

"I wasn't gone that long, silly." She hugged me back and then pulled away. "What's wrong?"

We needed to talk. We did. But I wanted her to have fun. She seemed… happy. I couldn't mess with that. Not right now.

"Nothing," I smiled at her. "Let's go to the beach."

When I said 'let's go to the beach,' I didn't mean 'let's take two hours to get ready first.' To go to the beach. Right outside the house.

"We do not need all this stuff," I whined, when Rachel piled yet another incomprehensible thing in my hands.

"We do," she said. "Otherwise we'll just have to come back and get it. That's stupid."

Her logic astounded me, but I stayed quiet.

Santana was holding as much as me. "Are we sleeping out there?" She asked when Blaine placed a bag on top of her pile. "And why the fuck am I carrying your stuff?"

He shrugged. "You're stronger than me." He grabbed Kurt's hand and they took off running.

I was pretty sure she would have chased him had she not been designated as Brittany's pack mule.

I almost started laughing until Rachel threw another towel over my shoulder.

"Rach," I groaned. "Seriously? This is enough." I felt Noah throw his towel on top of my pile. "Asshole!" I yelled as he scooted out the door.

Sam started laughing until Mercedes stuck her giant floppy hat on his head.

"Who's laughing now, bitch?" Santana asked.

"Open the door," I motioned with my head to B. I'd have done it myself but I was balancing seven hundred pounds of shit.

"Wait," Rachel said, "I'm not ready." And not holding anything.

"Don't care," I told her.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"To kill Puckerman…"

She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back. "No. No way. Come back here."

I turned around. "What?"

"I've got to get some more water." She turned to Brittany. "Do we have sunscreen?"

"I don't know." Britt answered. "Let me look," she said, digging through the bags S and I were holding.

I had to consciously fight not to roll my eyes. I felt Santana nudge my arm with her elbow. "You good?" She whispered softly.

I nodded and followed her out the door.

After we finally got everything set up, they jumped in the water. I sat down on one of the chairs. I grabbed a water and swallowed the whole bottle. I pulled the sunglasses down over my head.

"Come swimming with us," Rachel called from the water.

"I don't swim," I called back.

"Quinn Fabray, that is a blatant lie!"

"I don't swim in the ocean." I clarified.

She shook her head and dunked Kurt. I wasn't too sure if he was okay, but I also didn't really give a damn.

They played in the water for about thirty minutes. I drank three more bottles of water. I was so thirsty it was almost pathetic.

I finally stood up.

"Hey," Rachel said. "Where are you going?"

I gestured at the water bottles. "Gotta pee."

"Just pee in the ocean," Brittany said.

"Eww!" Everyone screamed, jumping away from her.

"What?" She asked.

"Uh yeah," I answered her. "I'm just gonna go inside."

S started walking out of the water. "I'll go with."

I waved her off. "I can go to the bathroom by myself. Thanks though."

One drink wasn't going to hurt, right? And they would be none the wiser. My head was hurting. I just needed one drink.

I fished around in the cabinet until I found the bottle. I turned it up as fast as I could. I drank about half the contents before I put it back and took a deep breath. My heart had already stopped racing.

"Wow," I heard behind me.

Of fucking course…

I turned around slowly.

"Guess everything you said last night was a lie, huh?" Rachel asked.

I moaned. "No. It wasn't." I closed my eyes. "I just can't stop, Rach. If I could, I'd have already done it."

"So you were what? Just going to hide it? For how long? Until I found you in the bed with some girl?"

Fuck. "You know better than that…"

"Do I?" She moved into the room.

She was maddeningly frustrating sometimes. "Sit down," I told her.

She shook her head. She stood in front of the door with her arms crossed across her chest.

I sighed. "Please?" I asked quietly.

She huffed but relented. She didn't uncross her arms though. The universal 'Rachel is pissed' sign. I knew it well.

"I need you to understand something," I told her. "I'm an alcoholic."

She nodded. "I know that, Quinn…"

I shook my head. "No. You don't. You don't understand what that means."

She still had her arm crossed. "It means you drink. All the time." I watched her roll her eyes. There was a time when that would have been the end of our conversation. I wouldn't have responded to haughty well. I marveled for a second at how much I'd changed.

I finally shook my head again. "No. I mean yeah, it does, but that's not all of it."

She looked at me questioningly. My chest constricted. I sometimes forgot how innocent she could be. It came from trying to always see the best in people.

I took a deep breath. "A lot of people abuse alcohol, Rachel. But not everyone is an alcoholic. Maybe it's because…" I shook my head. In some ways, I didn't really know why. In others… "…I have to drink."

She shook her head back at me. "No one has to drink. They choose to."

"At first," I relented. "At first, I chose to. Now I have to. I need it." I looked down. "If I don't have it… I… I…" Fuck. There was no reason to tell her all of that. "I just have to have it."

"What does that mean?" She asked. She was close to whining. I could tell she didn't believe me.

"Rachel," I controlled my voice. "Listen to what I'm saying. I have to drink. I can't just stop."

She looked at me with those expressive eyes. "What will happen? If you stop?"

"The last time I tried…" I faltered.

"What? What happened?"

"I don't remember. After the vomiting… I don't remember. Not until I woke up in a hospital."

She looked away. I watched her worry her lip and I knew she was fighting with herself. It would be so easy for her to lecture me on willpower and self-control. But Rachel had changed as well. "So what do we do?" She turned back to me. "Do you want to stop?"

I nodded.

She nodded. "Well then what do we do?"

"I don't know, Rachel. But you can't just throw it all away."

"Okay," she relented. She nodded with her head towards the door. "Want to go back outside? I mean… do you feel better now?"

I got up and motioned for her to follow me. "Yeah… let's go," I smiled at her.

She at least attempted to smile back.

I stumbled into the bedroom and fell against the door. The only light in the room was the clock. It was past two in the morning.

I could see her lying in the bed. Her back was to the door and she was curled into a familiar position. She jumped when tripped.

"Sorry," I mumbled, pulling my boots off.

She didn't answer.

I sat down on the bed and took off my shirt. When I turned around, I knew she was awake but she still had her back to me.

"Where've you been?" She finally asked. She still didn't turn around.

"Out," I muttered. I stood up and took off my pants. Once I was finished, I watched her for a moment almost willing her to turn around. She didn't.

I finally lay down and put my hand on her shoulder. She shuddered. I pulled it back.

"Go to sleep," she finally said. I watched her body deflate slowly.

"Talk to me," I whispered. "Please just talk to me." My voice was soft, but it was the only sound in the room.

"I can't," she murmured, so quietly I wasn't sure she was even answering me.

I sighed. She scooted as far away from me as possible. I finally just turned away from her.

I fell asleep to the sound of her crying. It was the only constant in our lives now.