The next day, Lee was filled with an uneasy foreboding. It was as if the dark, oppressive stillness of an impending storm hung over him wherever he went. He and Fred shared an uneasy truce in the Q Bureau. Fred, for a change, was silenced by the brooding tension in his new partner.
Lee was in the bullpen, preparing for a briefing with Francine when he heard Billy call out to the reception clerk. "Caroline. Did Cartwright or Mrs. King call in for their check-in?"
"Not yet, sir," she responded.
Billy frowned and nodded, looking overhead at the clock by the coffeemaker. "Well, find me in the conference room if they miss their next check-in."
Lee felt the tension in his gut ratchet up a notch. To hell with that. He excused himself from Francine and casually made his way over to the cubicle Dave and Amanda now shared. Her appointment book was left neatly in the upper right corner of her blotter, as usual. He flipped through the pages until he came to the most current page. Huh…she and Dave had a meeting with an informant on High Street, down near that fiberglass manufacturing plant. And Billy was worried. Two and two was not adding up to four.
He snapped her agenda shut and placed it on the desk. This was one briefing he was just going to have to miss.
Scarecrow turned and crossed the bullpen and hurried out to the elevator with long, quick strides. Everyone who knew him recognized his firm intent and melted out of his way. All except for Fred, who buttonholed him at the elevator. "Scarecrow, where do you think you're going? We're supposed to be in the conference room right now!"
"No can do, Fred. Sorry. I got a Zulu Blue and have to leave now," Scarecrow responded shortly.
"A Zulu…What? And you thought you'd just leave without me?!" Fred snapped indignantly as he followed Lee into the clothes-filled elevator. "Look, buddy, you cannot just walk all over me like your precious Mrs. King, you hear? You have an inside tip, don't you? Spill it, Scarecrow…you're not going to bust this one wide open and take all the credit."
Lee gave the other agent and quick look of loathing and disgust. "Save it, Fred. This has nothing to do with you."
"Bullshit. It has everything to do with me. Like it or not, I'm you're partner now."
Not, thought Scarecrow. This would go on record as one of the shortest partnerships ever; he knew it. Because if Fielder didn't transfer, he was going to kill him with his bare hands, just for the sheer pleasure it would bring him. He didn't have time for Fielder's insecurities, not now. He didn't bother to answer the other agent.
Lee stepped off the elevator and exited the building with long strides. Despite his height, Fred had trouble keeping up as Scarecrow rapidly reached his silver Corvette.
"You really think I'm going to let you go without me?" Fred blustered. "I'll shoot out your damn tires if I have to."
Lee tripped the lock for the passenger door. "Just shut up and get in, Fielder." His tires squealed as he peeled out of the agency parking lot and made record time across the city. All the while, he tuned out his new partner's needless bluster and bravado. Fred knew Lee wasn't listening to him, which only elevated his ire.
"So where the hell are we going, anyway, Scarecrow? I have other important appointments this afternoon," Fielder's last shot penetrated Lee's focused mind.
"Important appointments?! You were the one who was going to shoot out my tires if I didn't take you, hotshot!" Lee fired back. "1837 High Street. Yellow brick warehouse. It'll be on the left."
"Who are we supposed to meet?" Fielder asked, counting down the buildings as they went.
"I have a bad feeling it'll be Sergei Divornasky," Lee said in a voice laced with tension.
"And you didn't call for backup?" Fielder asked furiously. "If you ever checked Agency protocol, Scarecrow, it specifically states…."
"Look, I didn't bring you to be a talking field manual," Lee shot back angrily. "And we are the backup, you idiot. Dave and Amanda missed their check-in."
"Does Billy know you're doing this?" Fred asked suspiciously.
"There…1837. That's Dave's car, and they're not in it." Lee said, ignoring his question. "Look, you take the left of the building and I'll take the right. Remember, Sergei may be a lone wolf, but he's a demolitions expert and he's got nothing to lose." Lee checked his pistol for bullets before looking the other agent in the eye. Fred had the sense to be good and nervous.
"Do you think we should call for more back-up?" Fred wet his lips nervously.
"We don't have time."
"How do you know?" Fred countered.
"I just know, Fred. Look, let's just get in there and do our job." Lee's sharp sense of foreboding was growing and he climbed cautiously out of the car, scanning his surroundings.
He hugged the left side of the yellow concrete brick building and then jerked his head, indicating for Fred to take the right as he provided him cover. They made their way low and silently around the perimeter of the building. At the far end, he thought he caught a flash of movement through the corner of his eye. It couldn't be Fielder; it was too close for that.
Moving forward between the sheds and crates beyond the building, he heard the quiet tap of steps on pavement. He followed on stealthy feet, trying to catch a glimpse of his quarry. Finally, he saw him. A short, swarthy man, thin and balding. In stunned disbelief, he saw that he was clutching a detonating device and turning to the building behind them.
Too late. "Noooooooo!" he felt the scream rip from his throat as Divornasky tripped the switch. He turned in horror to hear the series of explosions rip through the concrete building behind him. Somehow, he knew, he just knew Amanda was in there. He heard the scuffle that ensued as Fielder tackled the former Russian agent. Perhaps his duty was to apprehend the agent, but he had a higher priority now.
Covering his mouth and nose with his jacket sleeve, he rushed toward the imploded warehouse. White concrete dust rose in clouds around him. "Amanda!! Amanda!!" he shouted loudly, climbing over the rubble, looking for any sign of life. Heedless of the danger of crumbling walls around him, he pulled debris from below him, continuing to bellow her name.
Fabric, he saw fabric. There. With scratched and bleeding hands he pulled at the concrete slabs. "Fielder," he shouted and coughed. "Fielder…get your ass over here!" He needed help.
Fred Fielder came into view, gingerly climbing over the debris. "Scarecrow, I've handcuffed him to a shed, but I really shouldn't leave him totally unsecured. He's a priority one…"
"Will you shut up!" Lee shouted. "This is Amanda under here. Or Dave…I can't tell."
Fred Fielder turned white with shock. "Good God. They were in here?" He scrambled up the pile of rubble to help Lee dislodge the heavy slabs that lay over whoever was below. Adrenaline and panic gave them inhuman impetus to free their colleagues.
Fred pushed back one more crushing block. "Lee…I think it's both of them!"
He was right. Dave Cartwright lay over Amanda, cradling her with his stocky frame from the devastation that had fallen around them. He moaned softly. Fred whistled; if he was alive, it would be a miracle. Dave must have broken most of the bones in his body protecting his partner. They couldn't move him. He would need a body board and EMTs to get him out of there. Through a haze, Lee heard Fred say he was going for help.
Lee felt his throat close with tears. In that moment, hearing the detonation explode, he knew all that Amanda had ever meant to him. She lay in eerie stillness below her partner. Memories piled in on Lee thick and furious and he felt his hand shaking as he reached past Dave's prone form to check the pulse at her neck. It was there, steady and strong. His breath caught on a restrained sob. They had to get her out of there. She had to be all right. God had given him one more chance, and he was not going to blow it this time.
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It had been a miracle, Billy Melrose reflected. A full-blown miracle, that not once, but twice, his agents would come out of those devastated warehouses alive. Not well, but most importantly - alive.
When he came to consciousness, after ascertaining his partner was all right, Dave Cartwright asked Billy for a transfer to the cryptology department. It would take the agent months to recover from the 23 broken bones and internal injuries he had sustained. As he said to his superior, in his usual low-key way, he wanted to live to enjoy his retirement. Billy had nothing but respect for the man. According to his report, it was Amanda who had first noticed the explosives strapped to a beam overhead. When she pointed it out to him, he had tackled her, shielding her body from the toppling concrete slabs with his own.
If there was anyone more grateful to Dave Cartwright than himself, Billy reflected, it would have to be the Scarecrow. He looked to be a shadow of his usual self. The man hadn't eaten or slept in days and had been hovering around Mrs. King's hospital bedside whenever her family wasn't there. She still seemed unusually reticent with her former partner. He knew that whatever issues there had been, though, they would work out together.
Fred Fielder had demanded a promotion based on his single-handed collar of Divornasky. While Billy hadn't wanted to give it to him, Lee had pointed out that by doing so, Fred could have Humbug's old office to himself. If he didn't have to listen to daily complaints from one of Fred Fielder's cube-mates, it could only make his own life easier. It might just be easier to promote him up and out of the way. Perhaps he would even seek a transfer to another department, the section chief thought hopefully. And, in point of fact, it also created an opening back in the Q Bureau. He was certain things there would soon return to the status quo.
Finally, they had recovered the ballistic missile site information before it had been sold and Divornasky was in custody. Islington had not died in vain.
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Amanda woke reluctantly and then decided on the whole, she would rather not. Every part of her ached or downright hurt. But she realized above all, how fortunate she was to be alive. She looked over at the chair next to her bed and was surprised to see Lee asleep there. It wasn't designed to support a man of his height, and he looked awkward and uncomfortable. She couldn't imagine how on earth he had fallen asleep in that position. He also looked a little rough around the edges. He hadn't shaved and his hair was tousled. His clothes were rumpled. It was completely unfair, she thought uncharitably, that he could look disreputable and still look good.
On the other hand, she knew without checking a mirror that she looked like death warmed over. It was so unfair. She bit her lip in confusion. Why was Lee even there? He must have been there throughout, she realized, though she couldn't recall all the events with clarity. She remembered Lee coaxing her to hold on and stay calm until the emergency team could extricate them. He rode with her in the ambulance and she could foggily recall him being there during the past few hours or days. She realized with alarm that she didn't even know how much time had passed since the explosion.
But again, she wondered, why had Lee stayed? Did he feel guilty or somehow responsible? Why was he even there at the warehouse? Only Billy had known where they were going. She'd had misgivings about the meeting; she should have trusted her instincts. Water under the bridge now, she supposed.
She studied Lee's sleeping face. He must be anxious, she thought, noting the slight furrow of his brow and the tight set of his mouth. His face was so dear to her, not because he was so handsome, but simply because it was his. Why couldn't she have fallen for a simpler man? She bit her lip and looked away. There was no sense in coveting what she couldn't have.
He stirred and she felt her pulse begin to pick up. What on earth could she say? She had no idea where they stood now, or even why he was here.
He opened his hazel eyes slowly and spoke with rough surprise. "'Manda?" Seeing her nod shakily, he sat up quickly. "Amanda…you're awake!" The warmth of his smile was genuine and she couldn't help but bask in it.
"Kind of wish I wasn't, but yeah, I'm awake now." She laughed self-consciously; her voice was weak.
"Amanda…I thought I lost you!" His hand reached out to grasp hers gently.
"Well, I seemed to have made it," she said inanely. "I…um…I didn't expect to see you here," she finished awkwardly.
"No, I guess you probably didn't," he replied, chagrined. "Amanda…I remember."
She cocked her head and looked a little disbelieving. "Lee, it's okay. I'm all-right. You don't need to try and make me feel better."
"Make you feel better?!" he exclaimed. "Amanda…believe me. I remember everything!"
"Oh. Okay, sure." She looked down at her fingers intertwined in her lap on the white sheet.
Lee pushed himself into a standing position and strode over to the door of the hospital room, closing it firmly but quietly. He turned to her and said from across the room. "Your favorite color is pink."
She looked up and met his hazel eyes in surprise. She had no idea what to expect him to say, but it hadn't been that!
"You love pot roast…and only God knows why, succotash." He took a measured step toward the bed.
"You're not wild about horses, but you loved stuffed animals."
She met his eyes as he slowly drew closer.
"You like white wine and you hate beer, but you'll drink it to be social. You think it tastes like soap." He sat down in the chair and threaded his long fingers through hers. "Jamie and Phillip play on the Bombers baseball team. You're favorite book when you were a kid was Sky Chief Rides Again. You like to cha-cha." He gave her a devastating smile and kissed the back of her hand. "You have a weakness for French perfume and Belgian chocolate. And you wish you had the guts to say every catty thing that comes to your head when Francine's being nasty. Amanda…I remember you and I remember us." His left hand tenderly caressed her cheek and brushed her hair back from her forehead.
She could feel tears coming to her eyes; how could she not be moved by what he said? Yet, she knew that things were not the same as they were a few short weeks ago, no matter what he remembered now. She couldn't just forget the hurt he had caused even if he hadn't meant to. She couldn't forget the misgivings she had, for she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Lee had forgotten her because he wasn't ready for the relationship they had begun to develop. She'd had a taste of what it would be like when she and Lee broke up, and she now knew how devastated she would be. Better to put the brakes on now, she reasoned, before she fell any further.
"That's great, Lee. I'm glad you have your memory back. It must be a relief." She averted her eyes and pulled her hand away from his.
He looked stunned and his expression was suddenly very vulnerable. "Amanda…" his voice entreated her.
She hurt all over, inside and out. She wasn't up to coping with her feelings, even less to having this discussion. "Lee," she said, her voice thready with exhaustion, "would you see if they'll call my family? Mother will want to tell the boys I'm going to be OK."
Lee wanted to argue with her and bring her to her senses. But she was right. This wasn't the time. "Of course," he murmured, backing away and heading out the door to the nurses station. Lee had never felt more helpless except when he had gazed down at her still body under the fallen concrete. His gut clenched. He was losing her and he didn't know how to stop it.
'No, damn it,' Lee thought. He had come so close to losing her in a myriad of ways. He couldn't and he wouldn't lose her now. Steeling himself with newfound resolve, he determined that he would win back Amanda one way or another.
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The weeks following stretched into a month. Amanda had succumbed to his persistent entreaty to return to the Q Bureau. He had thought he could thaw her resolve, but she remained politely professional…and so very distant. She seemed to be back to being herself, but Lee knew Amanda, through and through. Her spark and her vivacity were too contained. Amanda was still keeping some vital part of herself tucked away, and the loss was killing him.
Being careful not to step on Dotty's tulips, he approached her kitchen window with some trepidation. He had tried to talk to Amanda time and again at work, only to be stonewalled. He needed to talk to her privately and he wasn't taking no for an answer this time.
He peered in through the window. She was just pulling something out of the oven, her back to him. He waited until she had set it on the cooling rack before tapping the window. While he had to admit that he enjoyed startling her a bit, he didn't think it would endear him to her to send her baked goods flying through the air.
She whirled around to see him in her kitchen window and a slight smile pulled at her mouth. He took a steady breath. It was a warmer response than the panicked looks he had been getting a month ago. She approached the sink and opened the casement. "Hi. I didn't expect to see you tonight!" she whispered.
"Yeah…I know," he gave her a half-smile and then looked away, clearing his throat.
She looked at him expectantly. There had to be some reason he was here. She missed this, these late night visits. No, she thought, stick to business. "Was there a problem with the case notes I typed? I mean…well…Why are you here, Lee?"
"I came to trim your mother's rosebushes…Honestly, Amanda what do you think? I just want to talk to you." He winced. He knew he was being defensive and that wouldn't help matters any. He took a short unsteady breath. "Amanda, please, I think we really do need to talk."
She sighed. She knew this had been building for the past week or two. It was inevitable and they needed to at least clear the air if they were going to work together. She longed for the easy camaraderie they used to share. "It's late," she commented.
"I thought the boys would be asleep," Lee countered.
"Oh all right," Amanda agreed reluctantly. "Mother?" she called up the stairs.
"Yes, darling?" her mother responded.
"Mother…I'm going out for a walk," Amanda called back.
"Amanda! Are you sure that's a good idea? It's late and it's cool out. You know you're just barely back on your feet again and now you're sauntering out on a late night stroll." Her mother's voice became louder as she came down the stairs.
Lee ducked out of sight into the shadows. "Mother, I'll be fine. Really."
"Where are you going, anyway?" her mother asked with the nosiness endemic to mothers everywhere.
"Mother! I promise not to do anything that will land me in the emergency room." She couldn't very tell her mother that she had no idea where she was going.
"Oh, very funny, Amanda! If you don't want to answer my perfectly reasonable question…well, I'm not your keeper!" Dotty sniffed.
"I'm sorry, Mother, I was just teasing. I'll be fine and I'll be back home before you know it." She kissed her mother on the cheek and grabbed her sweater before heading out the kitchen door. She'd learned over the years that a sweater was something you needed to wear when your mother was cold.
Dotty sighed and shook her head before turning off the kitchen light and heading back upstairs.
-- -- --
"So where are you taking me?" she asked, sliding into the passenger seat.
"Anywhere we can talk," he answered honestly. "It's Sunday night…there isn't a lot open."
"How about the park?"
"Sure," he agreed equably before pulling away from the curb, heading over to the park they considered 'theirs.'
They walked in companionable silence, neither knowing where to start. Lee was relieved when he linked his hand in hers that she didn't pull away. They strolled onto the Japanese bridge that graced the center of the pond and Lee stopped, leaning back against the rail.
His throat closed. Amanda was so beautiful, her profile silver gilt by moonlight. She gazed out over the water, her face unreadable. How was he going to find the words he needed to say to win her back?
"You wanted to talk?" she prompted quietly.
He nodded and then turned to face the water as well, resting his forearms on the bridge rail. It was too difficult to face her directly and lay his heart bare. "Amanda…why…why don't you trust me anymore?" His voice was rough with emotion.
"I do trust you, Lee…but…" She paused.
"No, Amanda, you don't. Because when you trust, there are no 'buts'," he replied soberly. "Look, Amanda. I don't know exactly why I forgot you when I had amnesia…" His voice was halting.
"I do." She replied quietly; her voice rang with certainty.
"What?!"
"I think, Lee, that you forgot me because in your heart of hearts, you didn't want to remember," she whispered, her voice cracking with strain. "I think you had a lot of doubts about us and when your subconscious gave you an out, you took it."
He shook his head; she was so very wrong. "Amanda, do you remember when we talked about forgetting things that were emotionally complicated?"
"Yes…But you don't do emotionally complicated." Her voice contained more than a hint of bitterness.
"I don't…No, I didn't do emotionally complicated." He laughed without humor and looked at her briefly before shaking his head. "I didn't…and I missed out on a lot. Trust me, Amanda, nothing in my life has ever been quite as emotionally complicated as…this." He gently cupped her face with one hand and leaned in for a long, sweet and chaste kiss.
Her eyes closed in remembered appreciation and her heart stuttered. She tried to steel herself against falling, but here she was, doing it again.
"Amanda, I…" he couldn't get the words out, no matter how much he wanted to say them. He just wasn't ready. "I…need you." His heart was in his words as her eyes met his vulnerable ones. Her hand impulsively squeezed his. He went on, "I do….More than you need me." He gave a short gust of laughter as she opened her mouth to argue with him. "No, Amanda, just listen to me. It's true. You have so much in you….people love you. Your mother, your sons….hell, half the people in the agency are begging to work with you. The fact is that without me…you'd be just fine. You'd fill your life with people, just as you always do, and you'd care for them and they'd care for you." His voice roughened with emotion as he tried to finish, tried to make sense to her.
"I don't have that, Amanda. I don't have a history of long relationships…I don't mean just with women, I mean with anybody. You would be fine, Amanda. But I…I would be lost without you." He turned and gripped her arms by the elbows, willing her to look at him and see the truth in his eyes. "I would be lost without you."
Her eyes filled with tears and she shook her head mutely. She had to believe him. He had to convince her somehow. He took hope that her eyes gazed so searchingly into his.
He pulled her in for a hug. "Do you know in the weeks that I couldn't remember us, I never laughed? And neither did you!" he pointed out. "Amanda, what we have is rare and special and I'm begging you, please don't throw it away." He kissed her gently. "Please, don't write me off yet."
Her heart broke, but at least now she wasn't in this alone. He would be just as devastated at losing her…at losing this…as she would be. She let herself get swept away in the heat and the longing they shared, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning into his kiss.
Lee pulled back first. "Amanda…don't leave me hanging…What are you thinking?" he whispered against her lips.
"I'm thinking that I've been a damned fool," she laughed quietly, meeting his eyes.
"Amanda King, I do believe you actually swore!" he said in mock surprise.
"I believe I actually did! You must be rubbing off on me," she joked. But then her face grew serious. "I wouldn't be fine…I wasn't fine without you, either, Lee. I…need you too." Her forehead rested against his chest as he gathered her closer. It was so good to be back where she belonged, where she had feared she would never find comfort again. She sighed shakily.
The peace of the cool night stole upon them as they took solace in each other's arms. They both knew there was more to say. They had only imperfectly begun. But at least they knew that, in time, all the words would come. For tonight, it was a new beginning…and it was enough.
The End.