Helga was always a temperamental person. Anyone who knew her knew how easily she flew off the handle, how melodramatic she could be, how unreasonable. It stood to reason that if Helga said she'd never felt a pain like this, she was exaggerating. She knew all of this about herself, and yet she was certain that when she heard the words, "I'm pregnant" and felt Arnold's hand leave hers, it would go down as the worst moment of her young life thus far. She felt as though a hand, rough and calloused, had tightened around her heart. Her lungs struggled to find air, and her stomach threatened to empty of its contents.
Lila's face was pale in the silver moonglow, her eyes bright with tears and starlight. Helga tore her gaze from Lila and turned to look at Arnold. His mouth opened and closed soundlessly, as if he was hoping it would come up with words to say of its own volition. Eventually, he gave up and simply walked to Lila and held her, both of their bodies shaking as their sobs disrupted the still night. Unnoticed, Helga disappeared.
—
Arnold had never cried as hard as he did that night. By the time Lila freed herself from his crushing embrace and declared that she (and the baby) needed rest, he was certain that there wasn't a drop of moisture left in his body and that he would shrivel up and die and not have to deal with any of this. And yet, after locking himself in his room and settling into bed, he found that there were millions more tears waiting to be shed. By the time the pale pink sunrise engulfed the sky, he had gotten exactly 28 minutes of fitful sleep, had thoroughly drenched his pillow, and had opened his phone to call Helga and decided against it at least a half-dozen times. It was 8:03am when, hands shaking, he finally selected her name and held the phone to his ear. After a few rings, he heard an unfamiliar voice on the line.
"Helga Pataki's office, this is Sal, how may I direct your call?"
"Sal? Um… this is Arnold. Can I talk to Helga? I think I really need to talk to Helga."
"I'm sorry, Ms. Pataki is in a meeting. Can I take a message?"
"She's not in a meeting. Can I please talk to Helga?"
"Is that the message? You'd like me to tell her she's not in a meeting? Because you know her schedule better than her own secretary?"
"Look, if she won't talk to me, can you just tell her… I don't know. I don't know why I called, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do… Just tell her I want to see her. That's all I want. That's the only clear thought in my head right now, I just want to see Helga."
"Thank you for calling Pataki Industries, we will return your call within the next one million business days. Have a nice day, Alfred."
The line went silent. Arnold sighed, feeling restless and all too alone. He dialed the phone again, and this time he heard a friendly voice almost immediately.
"Hiya, Shortman! How's it going? You got a sunburn yet?"
"No, Grandpa, I'm wearing sunscreen when I go out. Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything but I can't promise I'll know the answer."
"Did you date much before Grandma?"
"Well sure, Arnold, I had a girlfriend before her. Her name was Betty, she was a real looker but pretty boring. Dated her for about a billion years before I realized Pookie was the one for me."
"What would you have done if she'd gotten pregnant? Would you have stayed with her? Would you have married her?"
"That's a big question, Shortman. Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"
"Lila showed up at my dorm last night. She says she's pregnant."
"Well that's wonderful news! Maybe a little soon but it was bound to happen eventually, right?"
"What if it wasn't? What if I was meant to be with someone else? What if Lila's my Betty?"
"Well that is a pickle, isn't it? What's your heart telling you?"
"It's telling me… that I want to be with Helga."
"Helga? Your ugly little friend with the one eyebrow? Where'd she come from?"
"She goes to school here. I really like her, Grandpa."
"Well Shortman, you've always had a good head on your shoulders. Follow your instincts. You're a good kid."
"You're right. I should do the right thing, even if it's not what I want to do. For the baby. Thanks, Grandpa!"
"Well that's not exactly what I-"
"Call you later, bye!"
—
The cab ride back to the hotel was tense and silent. Lila sat in the passenger's seat, staring blankly at the headlights flying by while the other girls exchanged concerned looks in the back. When they returned to their room and locked the door, Rhonda immediately threw her arms around Lila.
"Why didn't you tell us you were pregnant? We had no idea, Lila! Can you believe it? Our little Lila, pregnant and alone while that disgusting Arnold sneaks around behind her back with Helga Pataki. Honestly Lila, you must break up with him posthaste! Don't worry about finances, Lila, darling, my parents and I will ensure that you and the baby are very comfortable!"
"Rhonda, I'm not-"
Nadine's arms were around her next, and Katrinka's soon after. Lila almost couldn't breathe for the smell of coconut body butter and sunscreen.
"Not another word! You need your rest! We'll discuss it in the morning. Girls, let Lila have a bed to herself. One of you can sleep on the floor, no?"
As Nadine prepared a pile of blankets between the two beds and Rhonda and Katrinka began their ten-step skincare ritual, Lila's bottom lip began to quiver. Before step six she felt tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I'm… not… pregnant…"
The words barely made it out between her sniffles. The other girls froze.
"You're what?"
"I'm not pregnant! I saw him there with Helga and he's never looked at me like that and I didn't know what to do and he said he wanted to talk to me and I knew he was about to dump me when I flew all this way and I just… I just… I…"
She flung herself on the bed, her body shaking violently as she wailed into the itchy thin sheet. There was no sound save for her crying for what felt like hours. When she finally calmed down and looked up, she found three sets of eyes narrowed at her. Nadine was the first to break the silence.
"If you're not pregnant, I'm not sleeping on the floor."
All four girls collapsed into a fit of giggles on the bed. With Lila's head on her shoulder, Rhonda sighed.
"Well I wish you'd told us. Truly, it's despicable that he's cheating on you. If anything, he deserves the scare."
"I don't want to upset him, I just want him back. I'll do anything."
"I know you're mad, but I think Rhonda's wrong. Arnold's a good guy, I don't think he meant to hurt you. You should tell him the truth."
"Or…" Katrinka stood up and began pacing, twirling a strand of her thick, dark hair around her index finger like she always did when she was deep in thought, "Or we help Lila get him back. We keep up this pregnancy charade, make him remember why he fell in love with her in the first place, get rid of Helga, and save the day."
"I'm pretty sure he'll notice when there's no baby in nine months."
"No problem. Once he's safely back on Team Lila, she'll tell him it was a false alarm. She took the test wrong or something. By then, whatever gross feelings he has for Helga will be long gone, anyway."
"Alright ladies, let's get our beauty sleep. Operation Arnold starts tomorrow. We have three days to save Lila's relationship. Everyone on board?"
"I don't know, I still don't think this is a good idea-"
"Nadine, hush. We have three days to make this happen, let's not waste time arguing."
"I'm ever-so thankful to have such supportive friends."
Nadine tossed and turned all of that night, her mind racing to the chorus of the other girls' soft breathing.
—
Helga didn't sleep that night. Despite Sal's best efforts, Helga didn't smile that that night, either. In fact, Helga did nothing but collapse in a huddled mass from the moment she got home at night until her phone rang that morning. Her hand, still shaking, snaked out from the blanket Sal had half-heartedly draped her in and tilted the screen towards her. All she could do was groan when she saw who was calling her. Sal, who had fallen asleep on the couch hours before, heard this and immediately woke. She lunged for the phone before Helga could subject herself to further misery by answering.
"Helga Pataki's office, this is Sal, how may I direct your call? I'm sorry, Ms. Pataki is in a meeting. Can I take a message? Is that the message? You'd like me to tell her she's not in a meeting? Because you know her schedule better than her own secretary? Thank you for calling Pataki Industries, we will return your call within the next one million business days. Have a nice day, Alfred."
Helga peered up at her roommate and sighed.
"You didn't have to do that."
"I did if I want you to stop taking up all this space on the floor any time soon. I don't know what happened but you have to get this guy behind you, get him out of your mind. He's clearly a pig, don't waste your energy being sad about it."
"His girlfriend showed up while we were together last night, Sal. She says she's pregnant."
"Oh. Shit. What'd he say? What'd you do? Do you think she's telling the truth? Do you think they'll keep it?"
"He didn't say anything. He just like… hugged her and cried really hard."
"Do you think they were happy tears?"
"I don't know, Sal. I just want to disappear."
"I'm telling you, Helga, this guy was just meant to be a Welcome Week Fling. Put him behind you, the semester is young."
"It's not that easy, Sal. I've known him practically my whole life. We went to preschool together. I had a shrine to him in my closet. Did I not tell you any of this?"
"What? No! You told me pretty much nothing. A shrine? Start at the beginning, and don't skip any details, you creep."
—
Arnold met Lila for lunch that day at a local diner. After some strained smiles and a tight-lipped kiss, Arnold took Lila's hands.
"Lila, I want to be honest with you. I never want to lie to the mother of my child, okay? I was planning on breaking up with you, but all things considered… well, I think we should get married. I'll move back home and get a job so you and the baby can be taken care of. What do you say?"
"Is this a proposal, Arnold? Because it's not a very good one."
Lila wished she could ignore the way his eyes lit up when he asked her eagerly, "So is that a no? You don't want to get married?"
"Arnold, I would love to marry you. I love you. I understand that you may have gotten… distracted… but I know that in your heart of hearts, you love me, too. I think if you spend some time searching your feelings, you'll realize how much you care for me."
"I really don't think so, Lila. That's not really the point, though… It doesn't matter how I feel. I'll do whatever I have to do for our baby. I don't want you to have to deal with this on your own-"
Lila stood up, throwing her napkin on the table and collecting her purse.
"I don't need your pity Arnold. I don't need to be taken care of."
"Lila, don't go! Let's talk, please. Please. We'll figure it out."
"No, Arnold. Call me when you're ready to be an adult about this."
Outside of the restaurant, Lila took out her phone and called Rhonda.
"I'm all done."
"You stormed out of there like we talked about?"
"Yes. I felt pretty bad about it…"
"Don't. It'll drive him crazy and he'll realize how much he needs you. Trust me, it's practically foolproof. Now get back to the hotel, we'll be waiting for you by the pool."
—
That afternoon, Nadine announced that she wanted to take advantage of their time there and explore the desert in search of native insects. As this didn't pique the interest of any of the other girls, she set off on her own and promised to return before dark.
She made her way to campus and back to Arnold's dorm. The door opened to a very bewildered Arnold.
"Hey Arnold, take me for a walk."
Once they were a little ways down the road, Nadine stopped and led him to a nearby bench in the shade of a palo verde tree.
"How've you been, Arnold? I mean, all things considered."
"Confused. Hurt. Confused. Kinda hungry."
She pulled a granola bar from her purse and handed it to him.
"That's one problem down. What are you confused about?"
"I just don't know what to do, Nadine. I want to be a good dad but the truth is that I'm just not in love with Lila. I don't want to be with her but I don't think I can have it both ways."
"Is there someone you do want to be with?"
"You probably know the answer to that. Lila probably already told you who she saw me with last night."
"She did, but I'd like to hear you say it."
"Helga. It's always been Helga."
"So what's stopping you?"
"I can't just do what makes me happy. I have to think of Lila and the baby."
Nadine didn't respond for a while. When she finally did, it was very slowly and carefully.
"Don't let Helga get away from you. Don't give up on your dreams. Whatever future kids you may have deserve to be raised by a happy father, not a resentful one."
"I wouldn't resent Lila."
"You would. Trust me, you really would. Go talk to Helga. Tell her how you feel about her."
"She won't talk to me. She probably hates me by now."
"All the more reason to go to her. The sooner the better. Isn't that her building right over there?"
Nadine smiled and stood, resting a hand on Arnold's shoulder.
"I know you'll do the right thing, Arnold. You always do."