i.
The rain was pouring gradually harder outside, thunders kept on roaring across the pit-dark sky, tore it up occasionally with flashes of light.
They were now fully dressed, but still sitting on the couch. Used cigarettes were scattering around them, the air was thick with smoke blended with Rachel's perfume.
Neither of them had spoken since Rachel's statement. She was crying, her eyes were smudged with mascara. He was crying, he looked almost 10 years older than he actually was.
She had told him the whole story, about those years when they hadn't seen each other. Occasionally, she would stop to light up yet another cigarette. It was becoming very unhealthy for her to smoke so much in such a short amount of time, but she wouldn't stop. She just wouldn't.
" I couldn't go on with it. I found myself becoming someone I've never imagined I would be. I became your mistress, Finn. You said you loved me, yet you didn't have enough courage and the decency to tell your wife about us. I stuck around for too long because I loved you, so much, Finn. God, I loved you so much sometimes I hated it. I sat around, waited for you to sneak out each night. I knew it wasn't fair to me, or to your wife, but I couldn't stop. Then, Jesse happened. I didn't love him, don't get me wrong, but he treated me the way I should be. We had sex, but he became so guilty about it. He said I deserved better. He took me out to dinners, and he wasn't afraid to show the world he liked me. That was when I began to look back at our relationship, Finn. Since when did my life revolve around a man? I asked myself that question and I decided that it was time for me. I was sick of waiting for your attention which only happened when Quinn was not around. I was sick of having to throw away an entire meal I cooked for you sometimes when you couldn't make it because Quinn suddenly changed her plans. I was so sick of waiting, Finn! I was so sick of being your second."
Rachel took another deep breath, then put out her cigarette. He felt so awful he wanted to throw up. He had never realized how much of a bastard he was to her, to Quinn. He loved Rachel, but it was such a selfish act. He could not believe he had had the audacity to hate her a while back, to blame her for her actions. God, he could kill himself for being such a hypocrite.
"I ended things with you and ran off to New York with Jesse. I told him about you and he forgave me. He said it was the right thing to do. He helped me gain back my courage and confidence for auditions. I loved living in New York, I was closer to my dreams than I ever had been and I was free from you, or that was what I thought. I missed you. For the first year, I couldn't even sleep with J without thinking of you. However, I stopped myself from making the same mistake. I did everything I could to forget you. I threw away everything you gave me, even the necklace and I gave Sheila to my best friend, Santana. She wasn't a cat person,"-Rachel chuckled, "but she agreed to taking care of Sheila for me."
"It was so hard I thought I could never go through with it, you know, being without you. But I managed to. See?"
"I left Jesse, though. I didn't want to be with someone I could not love. He understood it, and he asked if I was trying to get back with you. I didn't know for sure back then, but I left him anyway. I've been on my own ever since."
Rachel looked at him, ran her fingers through his hair but stopped almost immediately. It was until then he realized how much he had really missed her touch.
"I always wanted to know for sure if I had stopped loving you or not. That's why when I heard about your divorce, I came back to see you. A really good friend of mine- who also happens to be extremely wealthy- rented me this apartment at a sensible low price. I wanted to be close to you and sort out my feelings. I need a proper closure to it, Finn."
"Have you found it yet?"- Finn finally spoke up, his voice was barely audible.
"Yes." Rachel breathed out, then cupped his face with her hands, turning him so that she could look right into his eyes.
"I'm not in love with you anymore, Finn. To be honest, I feel relieved. I managed to find a way to fall out of love with you. I found it. I don't want to put myself through another round of heartache. It has to be about me this time around, Finn."
She was about to stand up but he quickly hold her back, holding her so close in his arms, needing to feel her. He let his tears fall onto her gorgeous brown hair.
" Baby. Please don't say that! Please, lie to me, just please. Please, baby. Baby, I love you forever. I love you forever, forever. You were right, I was such an asshole to you but please, I need to have you! I need to! Please, Rachel, don't do this!" –He sobbed out his words and felt her arms tighten around his body. He felt her trembling in his embrace.
"I'm sorry, Finn. When it came to you, I,… I can't, Finn. I can't risk it! I have finally become me again, I can't lose myself now. After everything… I want my freedom."
"I don't! I'm yours, Rachel. Whether you want me or not."
She stood up, successfully this time and walked away from him. He wasted no time in chasing after her, kneeled in front of her and held her close to him. He tugged on her dress , he didn't care how pathetic he might look. He could not lose her, not again.
"Baby, ma belle! Don't let go of me, baby, no, please, just, don't let me go! We can find a way to love each other again! I promise! It's us, Rachel. It's us! No one but us! I need you so bad, baby, you can't even imagine."
"You should have realized it sooner. I can't. Please, stand up! Don't do this now!"
"Rachel…"- He stood up and held her face in his hands, tried to kiss her. He pushed his tongue into her mouth, ignored all her protests.
"Finn…"
He licked her neck and tried to undress her. He held both of her hands in his, he needed to feel her.
"Let go of me! Are you trying to rape me?"
He ignored her again.
"Let me go."
She was sobbing now. He didn't realize he had held her too tight her wrists started to bruise and bleed.
He was hurting her.
He was hurting Rachel.
He felt disgusted with himself, more than ever. He quickly let go of her hands and wiped away his tears.
Rachel fixed her dress then turned to look at him, like she was trying to print his image in her mind for one last time.
"Finn. Please know that I did love you, so much."
She stood on her tip-toes to put a sweet kiss on his lips, then whispered: " So much."
"But not anymore."- He finished her sentence.
She just nodded sadly.
He walked out her apartment and made his way in the pouring rain. He tasted the drops of rain and his own tears on his lips. The lips he used to kiss Rachel.
It was really over.
ii.
He didn't remember how he got home, how he undressed his clothes, how almost every lamp and vase in his house was broken. He didn't know until he got a text from an unknown number, then everything began to make sense:
"The plane is about to take off. I'm gonna miss you. I wish you all the best in life. You deserve them. Rachel."
He remembered now.
Finn pulled down all the shades, turned off his cell phone after calling Kurt-his brother/ assistant/ manager to cancel everything that day and keep people away from his house. Kurt included.
He hung off before Kurt could say anything.
Finn crawled to his bed then cried himself to sleep. He couldn't face the reality, not yet. He knew one day he had to, one day he would be fine and he would breathe normally again, he would find a way to be himself once more.
But not today.
Not yet.
iii.
"Finn…"
"Finn, it's me, Kurt. You gotta wake up. You've been sleeping for 2 days straight without eating anything! Come on, big boy, wake up!"
Finn pulled the blanket over his head, and muttered: "Go away, Kurt."
Kurt sighed, then he put hand on his older brother's shoulder and squeezed gently.
"You're gonna be fine, Finn. You'll see."
Finn really wanted to believe Kurt. He wanted to be fine, too.
But not today.
Not yet.
iv.
"Finn, you have to get out of the house! You're scaring me, Finn! You've been living like a hermit for a month!"
"Please, Kurt! My head really hurts, okay?"
"Yeah, your head, your back, your leg! Everything hurts, right?"
Finn sighed as his brother angrily walked away from his house, not forgetting to dramatically slam the door for effect.
"Yeah"-Finn whispered to himself-"Everything hurts."
v.
Finn breathed in the fresh air as he was taking a walk in Central Park. He truly appreciated Quinn's wedding invitation. It was sort of awkward to attend his ex-wife's and ex-best friend's wedding, but he had missed them, and they seemed to be very sincere. It took him a while to say yes, he was scared of going to New York. But it was necessary, his therapist had pointed out for him. He said it was the brave thing to do, and if Finn could do it, it would mean he was closer to being himself again. Finn didn't know choosing Doctor Anderson as his shrink had truly benefited him or not, but Kurt seemed to be really interested in the dashing young man. He was happy for his brother, of course. Finn wished he could soon be happy too.
And, really, what were the odds that the oh-so-famous miss Rachel Berry would bump into him in the middle of Bow Bridge?
"Oh my Barbra! Finn Hudson, is that really you?"
Well.
Clearly the odds were not in his favor that day.
Tbc
(⌒▽⌒)
A/N:
"And I'm saving all my love, for you…"
Hooohoooo! I love you guys so much! Thank you for the support!