I disclaim. I own nothing.

Chapter 4

"No, not that one. We're keeping that one."

Gemma paused in the middle of folding the small shirt she held, the shirt she was prepared to put in the 'give away' pile, to glance at Tara. "Nik can't fit this any more. Likely hasn't been able to fit it for awhile." More she thought Jax would die and go to hell before allowing Abel to wear a shirt with the Russian's alma mater on it.

"I know." But Tara crossed the room to take the shirt from Gemma's hands, she didn't want Gemma to take it upon herself to toss it. "But it's his first Stanford T-shirt."

Gemma's brow hitched at the way Tara went about lovingly folding the shirt and stacking it on top of the clothes she planned on keeping. "I thought you hated Stanford. I'm almost sure you once said there was no way in hell you'd let Nik ever go there."

"He's not going there." Tara's hand went to the shirt, fingers dancing over the soft fabric. "But this is the first Stanford shirt Alexei ever bought for Nikolai. Bought it as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I can't throw out the first thing his father ever bought for him."

With a nod, Gemma went back to sorting through the clothes. They were set up in the Great Room, clothes piled at both of their feet being sorted into things Tara wanted to give away, things she wanted to give to Abel, and things she wanted to toss. Nikolai and Abel were on a blanket in the middle of the room, Cas' dog lay sleeping next to them. "You know, you never talk about him."

"Never talk about who?"

Gemma shot Tara bland look as she held up a blue T-shirt. "Cookie Monster. The Russian, you never talk about the Russian."

"I do talk about him."

"Just not with me."

"Not with you." Tara agreed. She wanted to leave it at that, but she could feel Gemma's eyes on her and realized she was not going to get out of this conversation. "You didn't like him, Gemma, you made no secret about it."

"I didn't know him. Maybe if you brought him around or told me something, I'd have changed my opinion of him."

"Yeah, because it's so easy getting you to change your opinion on something."

"It's been known to happen." Even if Gemma couldn't quite remember the last time someone was able to do it. "So come on, tell me about him." She waited, but Tara continued to sort through the clothes as if she hadn't heard. "Born in Russia, right. Came over here as a kid. Didn't have an accent, at least I never heard one. But I only met him briefly once or twice."

"He was born here." Tara knew Gemma wouldn't quit. She wasn't sure what Gemma was after. But with Alexei dead she figured there wasn't much damage Gemma could do with any information on him now. "Parents moved back to Russia when he was still a baby. Came here when he was ten. He had an accent but it was faint. You could only hear it on certain words or when he was angry."

"Huh, figured he would have lost it."

Tara shrugged. "He was here for two years before he learned to speak English. His uncle paid tutors, Russian tutors, to home school him when he first arrived. He didn't want Alexei to lose that part of himself."

"That seemed to pay off." Gemma made sure to keep her tone conversational but her eyes were sharp on Tara. She'd had a lot of time to explore the house since they arrived and was surprised with how much of the Russian's things were still around the house. She needed to know just how Tara felt about the father of her child. Had she misjudged? Had Tara's feelings been stronger than what she thought? Or was there something else there? Something she hadn't considered. "Figure he was a smart guy. Got into Stanford."

Tara merely scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Never told me how you met. Lenny set it up?"

The thought of her dad setting her up with anyone made her laugh. Lenny would have been more likely to fit her with a chastity belt than set her up. "My dad had set up this meeting, renegotiate things between SAMCRO and the Russians. Clay, Tig, Bobby, and Otto had all come in. Alexei came with Victor, he was suppose to be learning how things were done."

Gemma remembered that. At least she remembered Clay returning home and telling her that a major shit storm would be brewing between Jax and Tara. It had been information she hadn't been entirely sure what to do with considering Jax and Tara had already had several loud, and very public, fights during that time. She hadn't thought it could get much worse between them. She'd been wrong. "I'm sure you locked on him immediately."

"He was hard to miss." And she had indeed locked on him immediately. She'd still been stewing from her fight with Jax, wanted more than anything to make him hurt the way she'd been hurting. She saw Alexei, as tall and blonde and attractive as Jax, and thought he was the perfect way to do it. "I actually thought he was one of Victor's bodyguards the way he towered over everyone." When she found out he was Victor's nephew, realized that he was being groomed to take over, she couldn't help but think of just how much he was like Jax. It wasn't until she got to know him that she realized how different he actually was. "Like me, he was only a couple weeks away from graduation. As soon as I told him what school I went to he started giving me shit. Told me that graduating with honors from UCSD would amount to graduating with a C average at Stanford."

Gemma nodded, thinking that Alexei was smarter than she gave him credit for. That teasing, the smartass prodding, would have appealed to Tara a lot sooner than empty flattery. It was what she was use to, what she was comfortable with, and it would have immediately put her at ease. Flattery would have made her suspicious or, worse, amused.

"He was so…different. Flashy but he wasn't an asshole about it. I mean he had the expensive clothes, expensive car. But he never talked about how much he spent on all of it, never drew attention to it. He was just one of those men who wore expensive things like skin."

"Is that what made him different?"

"Than Jax?" Tara frowned. There were a lot of things that made Alexei different than Jax but she wouldn't rank the way he wore clothes as one of them. It wasn't even one of the things she compared in them as their style was just so different. She could no more see Jax in a pair of slacks and button down shirt than could see Alexei in baggy jeans and a T-shirt.

"From the others. As long as I've known you, you've only ever been serious about two guys."

Tara gave a sweet smile. "There's only ever been two."

"Please. I'm not Lenny, I no more believe," Or choose to believe, as Gemma was sure was the case with Lenny. "That you've only ever been with Jax and Alexei than the man in the moon. First of all, I know about Hale and that nut job fed. And I'm pretty sure there was someone else closer to home."

Because she was on guard about Alexei, Tara hadn't been prepared for Gemma to throw out that one. All the color drained from her face, afraid Gemma knew more than what she was saying. "Uh…what…why would you think that?"

Gemma's eyes narrowed, she'd been suspicious before but now she was absolutely sure. "Happy and Kozik. I overheard them arguing, Kozik was going on about how you were a big girl and free to make your own decisions. But Happy wasn't hearing it, didn't like what was going on and wanted it over. So who was it?"

Like hell she'd tell Gemma who it was. She certainly wasn't going to tell Gemma when Jax or Chibs was liable to walk up and hear at any moment. No, she wasn't going to tell Gemma. But what she was going to do was fucking kill Kozik. "You want to know about Alexei or clarification on something you could have misheard."

Gemma shook her head, Tara always was a clever little bitch. She knew if she got into it with Tara about whoever this biker was-and she had her suspicions-she'd likely never get to have this conversation about Alexei again "Fine. We'll talk about your Russian." She'd get the info about the biker out of someone else. Like Cas, considering he was all hopped up on pain meds, he'd be more likely to spill. "You were telling me what was so special about him that you stuck with him."

It took a moment for Tara to gather her thoughts. She didn't want what she was about to say to be misconstrued. Didn't want Gemma to think she'd ever question her love of the club or their family. "He was the only one who understood."

"Understood what?"

"Being at UCSD…it was a completely different world than the one I was use to. Sometimes, like when things got really bad with Jax, I could get completely lost in that world. I wasn't Jax's Old Lady or Lenny's little princess. I could be whoever I wanted to be, whatever I wanted to be. Sometimes I needed that. At that time I really needed that. Needed to be removed from the club and…everything. You all supported me but you never knew why I wanted to go to school, why I needed to. People at school didn't know why I came back. And as much as I loved being away at school, I never fit in there. Not really. Alexei knew both of my worlds because he was a part of both. He understood why I had to get away just as he understood why I could never really stay away."

Something lodged in Gemma's throat. She'd never heard Tara talk that way about something or someone other than Jax. She'd supported Tara going to school because she didn't want to push her away by manipulating her into staying. She supported her in med school because she knew that Lenny carried more weight with his daughter than she did. She didn't know the things Tara was struggling with and she thought she should have. She'd known Tara her whole life, sometimes would swear she knew Tara better than the girl knew herself. Gemma wasn't sure how she missed this. "You were confused."

"I was young." Tara corrected. And frightened, something she was ashamed to admit to Gemma. She knew exactly what Jax's future would be. And she was afraid to get lost in his life, afraid to let his dream become hers. She needed something for herself so that she could hold on to herself.

"And the Russian was having doubts he wanted to one day run the family business?"

Tara nodded. "It wasn't the same for him like it was for Jax. Alexei wanted something different when he was a little boy, he had these other dreams. Everything changed for him after his parents died and it was no longer about what he wanted. When he was at Stanford he felt like he was away from his uncle's control. And he could pretend that there was something else out there for him."

"Why did he go back?"

"Because you don't turn your back on family. And at the end of the day, that life was really the only one he knew." Just like me, Tara thought.

"Alexei Volkov." Gemma picked up one of the many framed photos placed throughout the room. Tara and Alexei looked to be sitting in Lenny's dining room, both dressed up, Alexei's arm thrown around the back of Tara's chair. They were smiling at the camera. "You loved him."

"I did. He was Nikolai's father. And a really good friend." Tara looked over at her son, struggling with the familiar pain that came from knowing he'd never know the father who loved him more than anything in the world. And the guilt from knowing that he died for her despite the fact that the entire course of their relationship another man occupied her heart and her thoughts. "But I wasn't in love with him. Not the way I should have been anyway. Not the way-"

"You loved Jax." Gemma finished, relief coursing through her for the first time since she began this conversation. She didn't mind that Tara had feelings for another man, didn't mind that she could admit to them. If Tara denied what she felt for Alexei, Gemma would suspect there was more there. More she was glad that Tara understood that she'd never feel for anyone else the way she felt for Jax.

"Exactly." Tara was old enough now to understand that. And more, was beginning to realize there was no point running away from it. Because there was no running away from it. She hadn't loved Alexei the way she loved Jax. She never loved anyone the way she loved Jax. And she likely never would.

Jax liked to think he knew the important sounds that Abel and Nikolai made. He knew Abel's hungry cry, his wet cry, and his sleepy cry. Abel made thousands of other indecipherable sounds throughout the day that he couldn't make heads or tails of but he didn't beat himself up too much about it as he figured he had the important ones down. With Nikolai, Jax knew to listen out for the giggles. He knew Nikolai's just did something bad giggle, his wait til you see what I just did giggle, and his I'm not even going to get in trouble giggle.

Walking up the hall he didn't hear a giggle. Actually the best way he could think to describe the sound Nikolai was making was hysterics. The boy was laughing his ass off about something and the best part was that whatever Nikolai was doing it was causing Abel to erupt into deep belly laughs.

When he stepped into the room he smiled when he saw the boys. Nikolai was practically rolling around on his back, holding his stomach laughing while Abel was sitting next to him laughing as well. His mother was on the couch still going through clothes while Tara was on the floor with the boys, a sight that didn't surprise him at all. He was actually curious just how long Tara went about sorting the clothes before abandoning the task altogether.

"What's so funny?"

"Nikolai was entertaining himself by going through one of our old photo albums." Tara began to explain before being cut off by her son.

"Axe, Mommy got a fat belly." Nikolai pulled his hands away from his stomach just long enough to hold up the picture he had clutch in his hands. "Ably," He turned to the baby. "Look at Mommy's fat belly."

And as if he understood what the toddler had just said, Abel peeled off into another round of belly laughs.

Jax's brow hitched up slightly as he crossed the room to lower himself onto the floor as well. "Is it that funny?"

"They seem to think so." And there was a large grin on Tara's face as she looked at the two boys.

"Axe, look."

Dutifully Jax took the picture Nikolai held out to him. In it, it looked like Tara was standing in the clubhouse, Lenny was standing next to her, a proud grin on his face as he pointed to her very large belly. "Yeah, your mommy's got a fat belly alright."

Tara reached out to snatch the picture from his hand, but not before jamming her fist into his shoulder. "I was eight months pregnant. You," She reached out to pull a still laughing Nikolai onto her lap. "You little monkey, are the reason my belly was so fat."

As Jax watched, Abel pulled himself up on Tara's arm a large grin on his face as he tried to get in on the game he thought Tara and Nikolai were playing. And Jax could admit that it settled something in his chest when Tara readily accepted his son into her arms. He'd been avoiding her. He hoped she hadn't notice, that she just chalked his staying upstairs to how tired he was. But the truth was Jax found himself unable to face her in this house.

The night before, when he chased Tara down to her bedroom, his mind had been so full of her that for a moment he was able to forget that he was in the home she shared with Alexei. It wasn't until after they had exhausted each other, when she rolled off of him and out of the bed, that the thoughts began to creep in again. She had made her way seamlessly around the darkened room, movements light as a feather as she walked into the closet to pull on a T-shirt and a pair of panties before crawling back into bed with him.

Jax thoughts turned to the nights she stayed with him. The nights she stumbled around his room, swearing softly and bumping into things, before finding something to put on. He'd always thought it was cute and a sleepy grin would always curl his lips as he listened to her. Now it annoyed him. Didn't know why it was taking her so long to get use to the layout of his bedroom when she still knew this one after being away for so long. And he couldn't help but to wonder just how many times she worked the Russian over the same way she had him. To wonder just how often or how long she lay naked with another man.

He hated this fucking house and everything it represented. So this morning, after a night of tossing and turning, he found himself glaring at all the pictures Tara had around the bedroom. Found himself hating the man standing next to her, grinning like a fucking king, in all of them. Even found himself resenting all the pictures of the Russian with Nikolai. He knew it wasn't fair, that the Russian was the little man's father and he had no right to want to come between them. But he couldn't help it. The more time he spent with Nikolai, the easier it was for him to deny the Russian's existence. And it was especially easy when he saw Nikolai and Abel together, when he thought of his own little brother and remembered the way he loved him. He wanted for Nikolai and Abel, the life he and Thomas never got to share.

He had continued to move around the upper floor, sneering at the sheer size of the house. It wasn't jealousy, not really, that had him questioning just what the hell two people needed with house so large. Nikolai's room alone seemed to be the size of his living room back in Charming. It was the fact that Tara seemed so use to it all, at least if the easy way she dropped a wad of cash on four last minute plane tickets was anything to go by.

There was a time he thought that all of it-the house, the cars-was the Russian. But as he'd gone through the house he recognized bits of Tara all over-Nikolai's room being painted in the navy blue and gold of UCSD, her paintings hanging on the walls, the ridiculous sheets with the flowers that she seemed to love. It made him realize that this wasn't just some house she was staying in, it had been her home. And he was beginning to feel like his house, what he thought was their home, was just some place she was crashing at. There was nothing of her or Nikolai in the house in Charming. No real proof that they lived there. He didn't like that. He needed to change that.

"No, Ably." Nikolai just barely managed though his laughter. "Get, Mommy. Tickle, Mommy." But Abel simply continued to press his hands to Nikolai's belly as he saw Tara doing. "Axe! Help!"

Sitting on the couch, Gemma said nothing as she watched her son happily join in the game Tara played with the boys. It was hard to miss the look in his eyes as he watched them. She wondered if he knew just how much he already loved and needed them. Wondered if either Jax or Tara had caught on to the way Nikolai would talk to Abel as if Tara was both of their mother. And wondered just how long it would take for Nikolai to start addressing Jax as daddy. She didn't want to rush it, but everything she wanted for them-and herself-was just so close. It was all she could do not to rush it along.

"So, what time are you guys leaving in the morning?" Tara's voice was soft as she practically whispered the words into Jax's naked chest. She was cold, had thought about getting up to find something to put on, but she wasn't quite ready to leave his side just yet.

"Early. Have to if we want to make good time back to Charming." His arm tightened around her shoulders, pulling her closer as if that would stave off the inevitable separation they were about to face. "How many more days are you guys staying?"

"Another week or so. I want to make sure everything is okay with Cas, that he doesn't have any more set backs. Have to get the cars out of the garage and over to Dozer's warehouse. Not to mention finish packing up the house." It was a lot of work to be done. But Tara thought it was long past time for her to close the Tacoma chapter in her life. She'd miss the house and the guys but she thought it wasn't fair to Jax or their boys to hang on to the past.

"That seems like a lot to get done in one week." He wanted her to ask him to stay. He couldn't, he had to get back to Charming, back to the club and the best friend he felt moving steadily away from him. He wanted to stay with Tara and the boys. And he wanted her to want it as well. "You're going to be exhausted by the time you get home."

"I know." Tara gave a sigh as she thought about all the things that needed to be done. "But Gemma's here to help and Dozer will have the Prospects over when he can spare them." She tilted her head up to brush her lips along his chin. "I wish you didn't have to go back. Though, I doubt you'd actually be any help."

Jax brought his hand down roughly on her ass. "Thanks, babe."

"But," She moved until she lay over him, legs falling open until they rested on either side of his hips. "That's not why I want you to stay. I just want you here," Her fingers began to run softly through his hair, causing his eyes to drift close with a sigh of contentment. "With us."

"Me, too." He let his fingers run lightly up and down her bare back, enjoying the way she shivered in response.

"But it's just a week." It was a reminder more to herself than him. She'd miss him, there was no point making it worse. "Going to leave me with something to remember you by or what, Teller."

Jax grinned. "Nope." Moving quickly, he flipped her over onto her back. "I'm going to give you a reason to hurry back."