Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.
This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. What's worse than a drunk Jack?
Typo corrected.
Broadcast 4
A line of pirate ships are anchored alongside the docks of Shipwreck Cove. Teague's Misty Lady is in Berth 4, with Villanueva's Santa Rosita de Lima in Berth 5. Captain Teague is sitting on a barrel on the deck of his ship with guitar in his lap. A bell sounds the hour and he looks up. He has been drinking and looks a tad worse for the wear.
Teague: (grumbling) Time for the bloody broadcast I see. Put on some Spanish Ladies, Tom my old shipmate… Let 'em have sea shanty for tonight. Have no heart to-
A line of smoky-eyed, very sexy Spanish dancers strut and swish their way across the deck in front of a goggle-eyed Teague.
Honest Tom: (hurrying up on the gangplank) Sorry, Capt'n. There has been a mistake… I'll get the fiddlers up and send them Spanish wenches off to…
Teague: Hell no! Let the senoritas stay. (grabs guitar and strikes up a wild melody) All hands! All hands! Pipe 'em hands up, ya scallywag Tom! Let's party and bring the rum!
Commotion rouses the ship's entire crew and they are soon joining the festivities. The ladies stomp, clap and whirl in a colourful chaos of flashing shawls, skirts and petticoats, flamenco-style, to admiring whistles from the crew.
Honest Tom: The broadcast, Captain?
Teague: I leave it to ya! (gets kissed by one of the ladies) Ye have me permission to deliver the news or answer their sorry problems. Pass the rum, me hearties!
Honest Tom: (moves onto the quarterdeck to get away from dancing) Very well. Good evening all listeners, mariners and ladies alike. First, the news report. From Port Royal, no updates have been received with regards to the where'bouts of the Gurvnor's lassie since she was taken by some bony pirates. Her fiancé, one Commodore Norrington, claims he is hot on their tails but between you and me, he probably has problems navigating a duck-pond, knowing what stock the navy recruits their men from. Pirate Bookmarkers Exchange is accepting bets on whether Norrington will get his girl. Also bets are placed on whether Jack Sparrow would do the gallows dance at the end of a rope.
Teague: What's this bout me Jackie boy? Hanging? Where's he hung up? (waves pistol about)
Honest Tom: Don't fret, captain! Them just taking bets on whether the Commodore Norrington would swing Jack from a gibbet.
Teague: Place me bet, Tom my man, on Jackie boy escaping the noose and thumbing his nose at the stuffy commodore by romancing his fiancée on a tropical islet with loads of rum. Nothing like a touch of rum to git a lady in the mood for romancin' (kisses one of the wenches)
Honest Tom: Don't mind me sayin', Captain, but ye need to watch the rum at yer a- (a shot rings out and Honest Tom's three-corner hat is blasted off his head) I'll have black tea ready on the morrow, jus like Miz Jenny makes it.
Teague: Tea? Who wants tea! More rum, ladies? (smashes open a rum keg with his sabre to delighted squeals from the wenches and roars of approval from the sailors)
Honest Tom: Mac, Goody, Stinky… Mates, ye shouldn't encourage him… (dodges barrage of bottles, boots and buckshot fired in his direction by irate shipmates who wanted to get down to partying) Never mind…
From the Santa Rosita, one of Captain Villanueva's men is calling out to the Misty Lady.
Spanish pirate: Ay caramba! Are those the senoritas our captain called up for his stag party? Send them over, pronto!
Teague: Tell Villanueva gracias! (shoots hapless sailor in the gut with a musket)
Honest Tom: (cringing) Bugger. That'll be duelling pistols at noon for sure. Now back to the trade news. Slaver traffic has dipped in the Bahamas. Sugar and cotton trade on the Mississippi coast booming and slave traffic is expected to be diverted there. A word from our sponsors, Auntie Savannah's Booty – the place to re-kit and refresh for all mariners of all shade and colour, no questions asked. Rope, sailcloth, shot and planking. The Agony Aunt segment is now open for calls- Hello?
Mister Gibbs: Is it bad luck to have a woman on board ships?
Teague: Definitely not! Ladies are easy on the eyes and give a home-y air to the place. Ah! Whatever would I do without me missus? Dear Jenny was a fine mariner, weren't ye, me little wren? (lifts up wife's shrunken head) Mighty handy with a cutlass and pistol too. A toast to me wee wifey, Jenny Wren – Hip, hip, hurray!
Two plump pirate senoras run up the gangplank brandishing a rolling pin and a broomstick.
Senoras: Eduardo! (curses in Spanish)
Teague: Berth 5, ma'am. (points to the Santa Rosita) This is Berth 4.
Senoras: Gracias! (storms over to the Spanish Pirate lord's flagship with a string of curses)
Teague: That said, angry mother-in-laws and ex-wives on board ships, or ashore, are definitely bad luck. (winces at resounding whacks coming from Villanueva's ship) Step lightly, my boys! Fiddle away! Let's party!
Stranded: Captain, I am stuck on a sand bar with a pretty young lady and loads of rum.
Teague: What's the problem? Let the romancing begin! (joining a Congo-line of merrymakers, which include a gorilla, a Roman Emperor and a Cleopatra lookalike)
Stranded: The shrew is burning our rum supplies as I speak.
Teague: That's inhuman! Swim for the nearest land or hitch a ride from sea turtles. Sea turtles! Just like Jackie boy, ride 'em like little horsies… (takes a swig of rum before joining the ladies' can-can line)
Pintel: My mate sez the pink dress make me look fat! I ain't fat! Does pink make me look fat?
Ragetti: Am too! Why do ya always git to choose first! And I don't look like a scarecrow in a dress, even in moonlight!
Teague: My, my, someone is getting desperate for feminine company. Been at sea too long? Take it from me, gents. Ditch the dresses, get yer booties on shore and find yerself a real woman. (Kissing a beautiful senorita)
Marty: Captain Teague, I'm sick of facing everyone at butt-level and gettin knocked into the air at every sea battle cos I'm too tiny. How can I be taller and bigger?
Teague: Stilts, matey! Places one a head above de other scallywags! (walking about on stilts to cheers from admiring audience) And stay clear of those cannonballs.
Mistress Ching's gunner: Honourable Code-keeper, my most blessed lady, the glorious empress of the Eastern Sea, Pearl of the Orient without compare, Mistress Ching, was most foully wronged by Sao Feng, curse the dog and rot his privates! We are cheated of shot while loading supplies in Singapore. We have a naval man o'war closing in on us and alas no cannonballs. Please be so merciful to bestow your wisdom on us in our hour of direst need.
Teague: Silverware, nails, chain… pack yer cannons to bursting with powder and metal bits and let her rip at the scoundrels. Cram in the kitchen sink too. Otherwise ye can talk their ears off with yer fanciful words. Sounds like someone I know… Name slips me mind… (does a little tap-dance on stilts)
Jailbird: I'm stuck in de jail at Port Royal and there's dis mangy mutt trotting jus outta reach wi de keys! How do I git hold of de mutt with dem keys? He keeps runnin away…
Teague: Sure it ain't ye, mate? Never had problem with dogs, or ladies… (falls from stilts and into the arms of the ladies)
Senorita: Senor? (nudges Teague)
Teague continues to bury his face in her bosom. Then he starts snoring.
Honest Tom: That's all for tonite, shipmates and senoritas… Poor captain's tuckered and out like a light… Partying too much fer his age. (ushers ladies off-ship as the men return to their posts or hammocks)
Teague yawns, murmurs in his sleeps and hugs his wife's shrunken head to his chest. Honest Tom shrugs and tosses a blanket over his captain, who is lying in the middle of the deck.
Spanish pirate: (calling from Santa Rosita and waving cutlass menacingly) Ya captain shot me amigo! I kill 'im now!
Honest Tom: This ain't according to protocol! Ya have to wait till morn when he's sober and challenge him proper!
Spanish pirate: To hell with de protocol! I take his head now!
He swings over to board the Misty Lady. Honest Tom calmly yanks out a dirk from his boot, stabs the pirate as he reaches the ship and lets the body fall over the side.
Honest Tom: Sorry, amigo. Not on me watch. Good night, listeners. Do tune in next time. (cleans his dirk with his handkerchief and tucks it back in his boot)
Author's Notes:
Pardon the bad Spanish. This is one side of Teague I believe even Jack Sparrow wouldn't get to see often. Honest Tom is a party-pooper but as Teague's right-hand man, he is not to be trifled with.
BTW, Stranded is not Jack Sparrow, because I doubt Jack is the type to call home for help unless things are really, really bad – like when Davy Jones is after his soul? Or maybe not even then.