"Brian!" I hear Hannah's voice, and it rattles me. She turns white as ghost while she's leaning over Tim and then looks up at me with wide, frightened eyes. "He stopped breathing. You have to help me! Brian! He doesn't have a pulse!" Her voice is so different. She sounds small. She sounds lost.
"Okay." I say and wish that I'd been kinder to her in the past, so she would know that I will do whatever she needs. I wish that she knew she can lean on me. I will not fail her.
She moves to begin breathing for Tim and I work the compressions. She counts the steps out loud, and we are synced in a perfect rhythm breathing for this young man. In between counting out the steps, she breathes out prayers. She is amazing; unbelievably strong. From the outside she looks so sure and confident, but I can tell by her shaking hands, and the way she chews the corner of her lip, that she is terrified. All time seems to stop in that clearing; it is just the three of us.
Hannah and I continue breathing and pumping his heart, over and over again. We work together for what seems like hours and hours and hours. I guess it must have been minutes only. Soon we can hear the sound of the chopper and it lands not far from where we continue to breath and pump Tim's heart. Even as the EMTs approach we continue; both of us focus on the boy laying in our hands. They finally push us out of the way, taking over and work together to move Tim to the waiting helicopter.
And then he is gone and we are all alone on the darkest of nights on a hill just outside of town. We haven't moved from where they've pushed us aside, sitting on the cold ground across from each other. I have never felt so exhausted in all my days. It is bitter cold, and I'm so tired that I can hardly stand. I rise slowly and stretch my back.
"Brian?" She says and her voice is so soft and fearful. It sounds nothing like earlier, as she went through the steps to save that boy's life. I look down to where she is still sitting on the ground. I kneel beside her.
"Come on, Hannah. We can go back to town and wait to see what happens." I tell her and put my hand under her arm to help her rise. She is trembling and I wish Adam were here. He can comfort her best. "Let's go, hon."
But she looks up at me and shakes her head.
She knows.
"Maybe they can . . ." I try to think of something they could do, but I know it too.
This will be the last time we go out to look for Tim.
I sit down facing her thinking of Tim's mom and Dad, and his two sisters. Losing someone you love is unsurvivable. I feel shaken and I am struck by the memory of my little brothers weeping. I shudder thinking of all the dark and painful days that lay ahead for them.
I look at my sister-in-law who I never wanted; who I tried so hard to push out our front door. I am filled with so much . . .She will be so sad and broken-hearted and it fills me with such pain to know she will suffer.
"Hey, you did the best you could." I tell her, and she nods, her eyes filling with tears.
"You did too." She says and reaches up and pats the side of my face with her small, soft hand. I nod at her and blink back tears. I rise and reach out my hand to her to help her stand too. We stand facing each other for a minute and then I am hugging her to me.
"It's okay, Sis. It's okay." I say and the two of us stand together, our arms wrapped around each other. I lay my cheek against the top of her head.
"Maybe . . ." I say to her trying to be hopeful. I hold her away from me so that I can see her face.
She wipes her eyes and nods her head, "Yeah, maybe." She says and gives me a sad smile. She pats my arm, and I kiss her on her forehead.
"Let's get back." I say to her.
Everyone keeps away from us. They don't know what to do or say. We were all together on that dark hill, but only Hannah and I were with Tim as he . . . my sister and I alone, struggled to make that boy's heart resume its steady beat. We walk numbly; silently toward the Collins barn. Everyone is clearly shocked. Everyone fears the same thing.
I watch Hannah out of the corner of my eye. From time to time a tear slips down her cheek, but I can see she is somehow managing to keep it under control. I know that as soon as she sees Adam, she'll let it all go. In his arms, she'll allow herself to deal with the overwhelming emotions.
And I know now that I'll never be able to hold her at arm's length. I never really could. She is family just like Adam told me that very first week. She is my sister and when that horrible day comes, if that horrible day ever comes, someone else is going to have to help all of us because I, just like my brothers, will be utterly destroyed.
We all walk back together, slowly. It is dark and we are tired and there's no lost child to rush to find. I am exhausted, and know Hannah must be too. She holds onto my hand the whole way back, her fingers clinging tightly to mine until Adam comes running to meet us; his arms outstretched to embrace us both.