Mission 10 - Live ordinance
Later that evening after Tanya had fallen asleep and he'd escaped back to the quiet of his own room, Evan found himself sitting on his bed unable to settle. He had so much going through his head there was no way he could sleep. Looking at the time and doing a quick calculation he decided it wasn't too late to call. Starting his computer he called up the much used software and waited for a connection.
"Evan!" Andrew Rider's grinning facade popped up on the screen, a little blurry but good enough to have Lorne grinning back. "What's up buddy?"
"Does something have to be up for me to call my sister and brother-in-law?" Evan shot back. Drew was still stationed at Cold Lake and Elaine gave every appearance of settling into the colder cliimate with ease, her bubbling happiness at making a life with her husband still apparent almost a year after their wedding.
"No, but you don't usually call this late," Drew replied. He watched as Evan's expression fell before his friend shrugged.
"You know how it goes," Evan dismissed lightly. "Some days you just need to call home."
"The training's not going well?" Drew frowned, surprised.
"Ah ...," before Evan could answer another body dropped down in front of the screen.
"EVAN!!" Elaine squealed, grinning madly as she sat in the chair beside Drew.
"You want to shout that a little louder?" Evan returned, putting a hand to his ears with an exaggerated grimace. "I think there are still a few people in the next building who didn't hear you."
"Don't be a smart ass," she scolded him. Leaning in closer she looked at him, her eyes narrowing. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" Evan shot back irritably. "Why does everyone think something's wrong just because I called? I can hang up if you like."
"No!" both Drew and Elaine spoke in unison. They exchanged a look before turning back to Evan. "Is the training going okay?" Elaine asked.
"Its fine," Evan insisted. "I got to play downed fighter pilot today – parachuted from a helicopter into enemy territory." He hadn't meant to share that, not that bluntly.
"Oh," Elaine exchanged another glance with Drew. "Was it ...,"
"Hard?" Evan offered. "It wasn't easy ... it took a long time for them to find me so ... I had plenty of time to think."
"And?" Drew asked. They were all thinking about the same thing ... Evan welcomed the fact that he didn't need to explain anything – maybe that's why he'd felt the need to call them tonight.
"And nothing," Evan shrugged. "I got an up close and personal insight into what John must have gone through ... and I'm okay with that."
"So if it's not that, what's got that pained look on your face?" Elaine asked. He didn't say anything but somehow she instinctively knew. "You met someone!"
"No ... yes ... kind of," Evan admitted reluctantly.
"Who is she?" Drew asked.
"What's she like?" Elaine talked over her husband, her delight apparent.
"Don't get too excited Sis," Evan cautioned.
"Why?" Elaine frowned. "Do you know how long I've been waiting for this?!"
"Look, it's not that simple," Evan ran a hand through his hair, trying to work out how to explain. "Tanya ... she's ... she's not looking for anything serious ... you know I wasn't either but now ... I don't know," he stopped himself from rambling any more, sure only his sister would be able to make sense out of what he'd said so far.
"You're in love with her," Elaine said it almost reverently. "But you don't think she feels the same?"
"I know she doesn't feel the same," Evan laughed harshly, not even attempting to deny that Elaine was right. "She's barely interested in going out on a real date - the chances of this being anything like what I can see you imagining are pretty damn slim."
"Evan," Elaine's expression was concerned as she watched her brother trying to sort it out in his own mind.
"Just imagine a completely f- up situation and that's where I'm at right now," Evan finished grimly.
Elaine and Drew were both silent for a moment before Elaine sighed, looking as though she'd like nothing more than to reach through the screen and give her brother a big hug. "I'm sorry this isn't what it should be," she said gently. "Falling in love should make you happy but I can see it hasn't. I'm sorry Evan," she said again.
"It's okay," Evan shook his head. "This is the last thing I should be thinking about anyway. There are still four missions for Red Flag left – I should be focussing on that."
"I think you're capable of performing at the top of your game and having a personal life too," Drew said, pointedly dismissing that as a viable excuse. "And it's not like you to be so defeatist before you've even tried to go after what you want."
"To be honest I have no idea what I want ... and I'm pretty sure I heard somewhere that you can't make someone love you," Evan retorted. "This one is outside of my control."
"And that bugs the hell out of you, doesn't it?" Drew said shrewdly.
"So I like being in control, so what?" Evan knew he sounded petulant but didn't care.
"Love isn't about control Evan," Elaine told her brother wisely. "It's about giving yourself up to someone else, knowing that they'll be there for you. It's about trust ... not just in them as a person but in the situation itself."
"See I've already got a problem with that," Evan protested. "No offense, but I think I'd rather give up on the love thing than have someone thinking they can control me." He didn't add that deep down he wasn't sure he even believed in that happily ever after she was alluding to - how could he trust in something he didn't really believe in?
"Have you talked to her?" Elaine asked, ignoring his last statement.
"I had to get her up in a plane at 5,000 feet just to talk about the difference between sex and going out on a date," Evan admitted. "And I can't believe I'm talking to you about this!"
"I'm a big girl now," Elaine told him impatiently. "Believe it or not I have talked about sex before."
"Not with me," Evan muttered. "Listen, I don't expect you to work this out for me. I just wanted to talk to you – and not even about Tanya specifically."
"I know," Elaine replied. "I just ... want to help."
"Talking to you helps," Evan smiled as he watched her expression brighten at that. Looking at his brother–in–law he added "and I haven't given up ... I just ...don't have a plan yet."
"I'm sure you'll work one out before this woman turns you into mush," Drew laughed when Evan glared at him.
"Last time I open up and share my feelings with you," Evan said in a low tone.
"Is that what you were doing?" Drew returned. "Maybe you should work on that before you tell this woman how you feel."
"That's the best advice you've got?" Evan asked incredulously.
"You don't need advice," Drew said seriously. "You just need to convince yourself to take the risk – you're good at that when it comes to the air force, to your friends. For everything else I have to say you pretty much suck."
"Thanks for the overwhelming vote of approval buddy," Evan shot back sarcastically.
"Anytime," Drew said airily, grinning until he got an elbow in the side from Elaine along with a pointed look that said 'you can't leave it at that!'. "You'll do fine," he added a touch lamely.
"I think you know what I mean when I say you're not inspiring me here," Evan smirked, watching his friend respond to the obvious prodding from his wife.
"There are compensations," Drew said, putting an arm around Elaine's shoulder and whispering something in her ear that had her blushing and giggling too giddily for Evan's liking.
"Hey, can you wait until after I'm off the line to do that?!" he protested.
"Don't give up on this Evan," Elaine urged, leaning closer to the screen again as she continued. "Is this woman smart?"
"Ah ... she's a fighter pilot too so you know, sure, of course she'd smart," Evan replied uncertainly. "Why?"
"Because if she's smart enough she'll realise what she's got in you," Elaine said simply.
"And of course you're not biased at all," Evan returned. He couldn't help but smile though - the warm feeling he had inside, that special place labelled 'sister' all the reason he'd needed to call her tonight. He still felt confused and troubled but somehow at the same time he felt better too. "Thanks Lainee."
"You're welcome," she glanced at Drew and then back to her brother. "So ... you're okay?"
"I'm okay," he assured her. "I'll let you guys go ... talk to you soon."
"Let us know how it all turns out," Drew added.
Nodding, Evan waved and then signed off, sitting back in his chair contemplatively. Aside from the shoring up his ego had gotten from his sisters unwavering approval, the conversation had clarified one thing for him. Before he could work out what to do about his feelings for Tanya he had to work out what the hell he wanted ... because white picket fences and the accompanying box and dice still didn't seem like they should be a part of his future. "So ... what do you want?" he murmured aloud, eyes narrowed. Good question - he just wished he knew the answer.
The following day was a rest day for flights, ground crews and emergency crews engaging in live training scenarios while the pilots did a recap and review of the previous six missions. Evan had woken up early, despite his late night. He'd jogged, showered and dressed and made it to the Mess, all before 7am. Now he was sitting letting his coffee grow cold while he doodled on his note pad, lost in thought.
"Is that me?" Tanya's voice startled him enough that he broke the lead tip off his pencil, leaving a thick almost black line marring the edge of his drawing.
Looking down he shifted uncomfortably as he examined the page. He'd drawn five head and shoulder pencil sketches of Tanya, each capturing the essence of her varying moods. Teasing, smiling, determined ... sultry was in there too. The last sketch, the one he'd drawn as the centre for the others was larger. In it she had an air of softness ... a vulnerability that he knew she wouldn't like seeing. Glancing back at her he couldn't tell what she thought of being the subject of his doodles. "Ah ... I guess," he stood, hesitated for a moment and then leaned in to kiss her lightly. "You're up early," he said, waiting for her to sit down before sitting himself.
"I know - the one day I could have slept in and I woke up before the alarm," Tanya complained. Motioning to the page she smiled. "You're good."
"Thanks," he glanced down at the page before shrugging. "I ah ... I used to do that all the time when I was at the academy ... draw things while I was thinking about something else. I guess old habits never completely die, huh?"
"Can I?" she motioned to his notepad, asking for a closer look.
"Sure," pushing it over he just barely stopped himself from wincing as he waited for her reaction. For her approval. That was a new one too - wanting so badly for someone to like his work ... not that a few pencil sketches really counted as actual art.
"This is how you see me?" Tanya asked after she'd looked at each aspect of herself in detail. Evan couldn't tell what she really thought and didn't want to delve too deeply - the situation had the potential to take him in to territory he wasn't ready to explore just yet.
"They're just doodles," he said lightly, taking the notepad and swiftly turning the page, folding the sketches out of sight. The moment was just getting to the awkward stage when the Mess doors opened again and a group of German pilots came in, all talking a mile a minute. The distraction was enough to smooth over their silence, both shaking off the strange mood.
"I was thinking tonight it's my turn to take you somewhere you haven't been," Tanya said, looking away from the laughing German's back to Evan.
"Really?" Lorne was deliberately sceptical as he grinned.
"I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve," she retorted. "I'll pick you up outside Admin at 1900 hours. Dress warm."
"Yes Ma'am," Evan said promptly, earning a laugh.
Tanya got up, standing behind him and leaning down so she could talk close to his ear. "Don't be late," she kissed the side of his neck, laughing when he visibly shivered and then straightened. "See you later," she said, ruffling his hair and then walking away. Evan watched her go, sure she was doing the sexiest walk she could muster just to get him going.
It was going to be a long day.
That set the tone for the next three days ... briefings, missions and debriefings during the day and a series of dates each evening. That first night Tanya took him to a spot on base where you could climb to a rise that was perfectly flat, like someone had lopped the top off a hill and sanded it down. Lying side by side on the blanket she'd brought Tanya showed him the stars, more visible that he'd noticed before because they were isolated from the city lights some distance away. He knew about stars of course - astronomy had been both a necessity for someone aspiring to NASA and a love of his since he'd been young and decided he'd like to go into space one day. Since he'd had to let that dream rest as unattainable Evan hadn't given much consideration to the stars ... as he listened to Tanya talking about each constellation he reconnected with that aspect of himself that wondered what was out there and if they really were alone in the universe. She'd given him back a small part of himself and it only made that warm spot in his heart grow warmer.
Each date there'd be talking, mostly about frivilous things, each of them still wary of opening up too much ... talking that merged into kissing and then into more intimate pursuits until they'd return to base late and end up in either his or her quarters to sleep for too few hours before they had to be up and do the whole thing all over again.
He couldn't deny or lie to himself any more that he loved her either ... whether he felt enough time had gone by or not, every moment he spent with Tanya just stacked up the evidence in her favour. He'd gotten to the age of thirty without having felt what he was feeling now – looking back on past relationships made him realise those feelings were a shadow of what he had inside for Tanya now. As he let himself feel those emotions for the first time the answer to his 'what did he want' question became clearer. He wanted her ... it was as simple and as complex as that. That led to contemplating the future with her as a permanent concept with all the associations ... and he found himself realising that maybe that kind of future wasn't as outside the realms of possibility as he'd always thought. It scared him, wanting things he'd never let himself aspire to before.
What Tanya felt was still a mystery ... sometimes he thought he caught a glimpse of deeper emotion in her eyes but she'd always turn away, laugh off the serious moments or throw herself on him, distracting them both. For the time being Evan was content ... happy in a way he'd never been before as they settled with seeming ease into a 'couples' rhythm together. The fact that he was willing to operate under so much personal uncertainty surprised even him but it seemed like he had no choice.
"Hey, haven't seen you much the past couple of days," Dominic Harper threw himself into the lecture seat next to Evan for their last mission briefing. It seemed fitting to Lorne that he'd sat next to the Australian pilot the first day and was doing the same on the last day as well.
"I've been busy," Evan said apologetically.
"I know ... how is the lovely Tanya?" Dom teased.
"She's ... God, am I that obvious?" Lorne frowned.
"Only because I was there when she hooked you," Dom bit back a grin with difficulty.
"I wasn't 'hooked'," Evan protested. "It was ...," he broke off, knowing there was no way he could deny that he'd let himself be completely distracted by a woman. "What about you and Stacey?" he tried to turn the tables.
"Friends," Dom said simply. "She's a great tour guide and a lot of fun. That's all."
"Right. So ... last day," Evan changed the subject, looking around at the slowly filling lecture theatre.
"Yeah," the Australian looked around too. "I'm kind of sad to see it end even though I'm really looking forward to flying home."
"See what end?" Riley queried, shuffling between the seats and sitting on the other side of Evan.
"Red Flag," Dom said it with a brow raised, the 'duh!' apparent.
"Back to reality," Riley agreed. Seeing the rest of his squad he raised a hand, waving them over. "Not for you though," he added, turning back to Evan.
"My usual day job is nowhere near as intense as this," Lorne pointed out. "But I will look forward to being involved in the next Red Flag."
The last of the Australian team, Steven and Jason sat down and the stage was set for the last test. Some of the participants had already been tested ... the final mission of Red Flag saw the dummy weapons traded in for the real thing, the stakes raised as high as they could go.
Live ordinance.
The ground crews responsible for preparing the jets had worked a single overnight shift to prep hundreds of live bombs for the mission, under pressure just like in a real combat situation. It had been done at a remote location, deep in the bottom of a canyon miles from the base to minimise the damage if something went wrong. Luckily this time nothing had and all the planes were set for the days mission.
Major Pace stood up on the stage waiting as the noise level in the room slowly dropped to silence. "What I'm about to show you is the enemy's last attempt to fortify their front line forces," he began. "We've learned that they're bringing everything forward that they can. Surface to air rockets, tanks and anti aircraft guns. Everything we've done to this point has been for training. This time we're going to do it for real and we're going to give them everything we've got."
Going on to talk specifics with maps of the battle zone up on the big screen, the Major briefed them on the requirements before everyone broke into their squads for a more detailed briefing. Accuracy was paramount to the discussions - the weapons to be used that day hitting anything other than the intended targets was the worst thing any pilot could do.
Lorne met up with his wing, smiling at the barely contained excitement evident in Joe Martinez's demeanour. They discussed their specific objectives - a convoy of enemy ground units - and then headed straight for the tarmac.
"Hey," Evan smiled when Tanya called to him from where her own plane sat getting its final checks. Motioning for the others to go on without him, he detoured towards her.
"Hey yourself," he said, looking her up and down with a grin. "If all the enemies looked as good as you in a flight suit the war effort would be in a heap of trouble," he complimented her smoothly.
"Charmer," Tanya shot back, even though the flush on her face said she was pleased.
"I try," Lorne leaned in closer. "How about I charm you some more later ... after last drinks?"
"I'll check my calendar, see if I can break away from my busy social life," she quipped.
"You do that," Evan met her eyes, feeling again that rush of emotion he still hadn't gotten used to. "Be careful up there," he said in a low tone.
Tanya frowned, her eyes narrowed before she nodded. "See you later flyboy," she flipped him a casual wave, turned and leapt up the steps to the pilot's seat.
Standing on the tarmac for a moment Lorne wondered why he felt like something had just shifted ... and not for the better. Shaking if off he headed on towards his own squad, long strides eating up the tarmac.
"Sigma three, Tower. You are clear for takeoff."
For the last time together the four F-16's powered up into the sky as a team. "Tower, Sigma three one, request approach to sector five," Piper gave the call to begin their run.
"Sigma three one, Tower. Targets confirmed. Two tanks plus five support vehicles heading due East on Sniper road."
Piper set the heading and they all fell into formation around her, flying the fifty miles it would take for their path to intercept that of the convoy travelling on its way to provide supplies to the enemy. In reality there was no such thing as Sniper road and the seven vehicles were stationary. Everything else about the scenario was accurate, down to the bombs they'd be using to completely destroy those vehicles.
The day was perfect ... as they dropped altitude, closing in on their destination, Lorne couldn't help but take in the depth of the blue sky, faint wisps of white clouds barely visible. On the ground the Colorado River sparkled, the shadows of the canyons casting mysterious shapes along the rocks. It was a scene that would stick in his mind ... that made him itch for that paint brush and canvas again, just like on the first day of Red Flag.
"Targets acquired," Piper's voice broke him out of his reverie a few minutes later.
One after another they took an attacking run, firing flares to mask their path as rounds of bullets pinged and sparked against the tanks tough outer surface.
"Sigma three one, bombs away," Piper went first, announcing the release of four Mark 84 general-purpose bombs. The others all followed suit, each releasing four bombs before powering back up to higher altitude.
On the ground it was an impressive and powerful display ... the bombs all landing with precision as they took out the line of jeeps and tanks in balls of fire bursting from the ground. The impact raised the dust like a fog, obscuring the ground ... the earth rippled with the force of the explosions, debris flying high into the air. It all culminated in smoke and earth billowing up from the ground in a dirty cloud before everything settled back into silence.
"Targets destroyed," control reported only moments later. "Well done Sigma three. Return to base."
It wasn't that easy though, they were only half way back when the radio crackled to life again.
"Sigma three one, Control. Group bullseye, 5,000 twelve o'clock."
"Control, Sigma three one, acknowledged," Piper replied. "Three three and three four, break away."
Lorne and Martinez responded with practiced ease, turning right and splitting the focus of the enemy.
"Sigma three four, Control. Two bogies breaking away on an intercept course."
Evan saw them in the distance, two F-16's flying low and looking menacing. He wasn't sure why but some instinct said that Tanya was flying one of those planes. Whether she knew he was one of her targets remained to be seen.
"Three four, go high," he told his team mate, at the same time making a sharp dive and stripping off altitude at a huge rate.
Their bogies followed suit so that once again it was a one against one competition. Lorne hugged the ground, spinning and sending off flares to put his pursuer off but they dogged him relentlessly. He didn't give an inch, didn't give an opportunity for a weapons lock as his mind raced, searching for a way to reverse positions so that he could be the one on the attack.
Flying low wasn't working so abruptly he pulling back on the stick, the resulting G's pressing him into his seat as he got the F-16 to fully vertical before levelling off at 20,000 feet. Rolling 180 to see the ground he searched for a sign of the other plane.
At first there was nothing but moments later he spotted the other plane joining him at the higher altitude.
"Time to see how good you are at following," Evan muttered. A series of aerial acrobatics manoeuvres wasn't going to surprise anyone who'd come up against him in the previous missions. But in order to get a lock they'd have to match him ... maybe that sounded easy for a seasoned fighter pilot but those moves were much harder to duplicate that most pilots would believe.
Rolling his jet on its own axis past 360 degrees of spin, Lorne began a long loop downwards – at the key moment as his position in the roll lined up with the ground he broke the spin and used the resulting force to gather speed on the upward return, arriving back at the same point he'd started at.
His opponent pushed it to the limit to match his path, the other jet bobbing and jerking in the air a little in contrast to Evan's smooth execution.
"Not bad," Evan grinned, sure now that it was Tanya in hot pursuit. "Let's see you try this one."
He dropped the nose of his plane abruptly, heading straight for the ground, gravity giving his air speed a nice little kicker. At 2,000 feet he pulled back on the stick sharply, really having to muscle the jet through the bottom of the turn and back towards the sky.
Behind him Tanya followed suit, breaking the dive at a higher altitude than Evan had so that they arrived back at 15,000 feet with a wider gap than before.
Lorne took advantage of that, taking the plane in a simple turn that was only complicated by the angle he pushed it too ... 7 G's ... 8 G's ... 8.5 G's ... 8.9 G's ... as he got close to the maximum the plane could handle he felt it shake and pull like it was trying to break his control. Holding firm he kept the turn going, spiralling in an ever tighter circle, all the while watching his radar and visually scanning for Tanya's position.
She was struggling to keep her turn as tight as his and consequently he was gaining ground. And then she did something he could hardly believe. So determined to beat him this time she broke the turn and took her plane straight up, heading directly for him. Maybe it wasn't a collision course but it was certainly inside the minimum safe distance for that kind of flying – closer than he'd take it even during a real life battle. At that range it would only take a small mistake to risk both their lives.
Cursing, Lorne reacted instantly, spinning and rolling the plane as he turned sharply in the opposite direction. Luckily for both of them he had enough air speed and a cool enough head to choose the right angle and line of approach to avoid Tanya's path. His heart was pumping madly as they passed too closely and then pulled away from each other.
"That's it," Lorne said grimly under his breath. Giving her no time to recover he looped around again and got a weapons lock, simulating rapid fire and taking her out of the engagement.
"Control, Sigma three three," he reported in, hearing the anger and resolve in his own voice as he continued. "Bogie is down. Returning to base."
"Acknowledged Sigma three three."
With no visible acknowledgement to Tanya, Lorne broke away from the battle zone, taking the straightest flight path back to Nellis.
On the ground he completed his post mission checks with grim precision before striding across the tarmac. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Tanya's plane landing too but he ignored it. There was no way he wanted to talk to her right then ... no way he could control the need to blast her for being so cavalier with both their lives. Not that he wasn't going to have that conversation with her ... later, when his pulse had calmed and his temper had cooled.
After stowing away his flight gear, Lorne found a quiet spot with a view of the tarmac and settled in to wait for the rest of his squad to return. He should have radioed them in the air and could only hope that the control tower had reported his status.
Because it was the last mission, the activity level on the tarmac was a lot higher than usual. As pilots and crews regrouped the camera's were pulled out, all participants from each country gathering together to capture the moment.
That said more than anything what Red Flag was really about. Maybe you started out thinking to prove yourself, especially if you were a fighter pilot with the resulting ego and perceived expectations on you. Quickly that morphed into it being about a good mission and the satisfaction that came from contributing to a successful day overall. But in the end, as he watched people shaking hands and exchanging hugs, Evan realised that Red Flag had never been about how good or otherwise he was. It was about becoming a part of something more important that he alone could ever be – a community of highly skilled people who'd risk their lives and make sacrifices, watch and protect each other's backs as together they got the job done. He was part of a team – every role was just as important as his - and he liked that alot. It spoke to something inherent in his own character.
Spotting Piper walking from her plane, clearly searching for someone, he got up and made his way outside again.
"What happened to you?" she asked as soon as he was within hearing range.
"Close call," Evan said, "almost too close. I should have let you know where I was ... I'm sorry Piper."
"We weren't that far behind you and anyway, the Tower let us know you were returning to base," Piper reassured him. "We all thought maybe you'd been shot down."
"No," Evan shook his head. "The bogie got a little too determined to nab me ... I ah ... it took a while for my heart rate to return to normal."
"Understandable," Piper looked at him closely, eyes narrowed. "That's all it was?"
"Isn't that bad enough?" he countered.
"Maybe for anyone else," Piper agreed," but I've never seen you break a sweat even during the most complex missions."
"This was ... different," Evan admitted. "But no permanent damage done."
Nodding, Piper spotted Joe and David standing beside Joe's plane. "Let's go get a photo taken," she seemed to put the incident aside, grabbing Evan's arm and urging him to go with her.
Grinning Evan obediently posed for the photographer the base had circulating the tarmac. Their crew, the mechanics, everyone who'd helped keep them in the air was there too ... all the people he'd gotten to know in the preceding two weeks and considered friends.
Shaking hands, returning hugs and fond back slaps Lorne pushed everything else to the back of his mind. He'd still talk to Tanya about her recklessness but with distance he'd gained a little perspective. All that fancy flying had probably frustrated the hell out of her ... enough that she'd retaliated in the only way she knew how. It wasn't an excuse but Evan understood how that mind set could occur ... and as long as he didn't think about what could have happened, how easily he could have witnessed or worse yet contributed to Tanya's demise, he could be calm and reasonable.
That attitude lasted until he and his squad walked into the open air bar an hour later, packed with everyone eager to enjoy a last night of celebratory drinks.
He spotted Tanya immediately ... at a table right in front of the doors as though she'd planned to be on display the moment he walked in.
Dressed in clothes that were both alluring and provocative.
Laughing, her eyes locked on those of the man she was sitting too close to.
As Evan watched, frozen in place, she leaned closer, angling her head for the kisses the man trailed down her cheek.
And then she looked up and straight into Evan's eyes, her expression calculating.
He felt the knowledge slam through him ... like the worst combination of dread, nerves and that sense you got just before things went really, really wrong. His feet were frozen in place, his eyes locked with those of the woman he'd aspired to love. She'd wanted him to see what he'd seen, to feel what he was feeling. She'd cut him to the bone ... for what? Because of what had happened up in the air that day?
Tanya held his gaze for a moment more before turning away, dismissing him as though he were nothing.
That hurt too ... it all hurt more than he could believe. Swallowing hard, Evan looked away, searching for something to latch on to.
"Evan?" Piper put a hand to his arm, her observant nature missing nothing of the silent exchange that had just taken place.
"I ah ...," he looked at her, for the first time in his life having no idea what to do next. He felt lost ... but as he looked away again, his eyes returning to where Tanya sat, another emotion took precedence, sharpening his mind abruptly.
Anger.
"I'm okay," he told Piper. Striding forward without another word he arrived at Tanya's table, not stopping until he was well and truly standing inside her personal space.
"Ace," she said it jovially, eyes glittering up at him as she smiled.
"Excuse us," Evan told the other man, taking Tanya's wrist and unceremoniously hauling her up from the table. He kept it gentle enough but his mood was more than apparent.
"Hey!" she protested, resisting.
"We can talk about this privately or right here in front of everyone," Evan said grimly, meaning every word. "Your choice."
"Okay, but just for a few minutes," Tanya reluctantly agreed. "I've got plans for tonight."
"So I saw," Evan started forward again, weaving his way back to the entrance and outside, past all the people still arriving until he'd achieved enough distance for no one to overhear them. Dropping her wrist suddenly he paced away, his back to her. "Why?" he demanded.
"I didn't make any promises," Tanya said defensively.
"That's bullshit and you know it!" Evan turned to her, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Unless exclusive means something different where you come from. What was it? Did I piss you off not playing along with your reckless performance today?"
"That was ... I'm sorry for that," Tanya looked away, rubbing hands over her bare arms. "It wasn't deliberate."
"What then?" Evan took a few steps until he was only an arm's length away. "Did I get too close Tanya? Is that it? Are you so scared of what we could be that just breaking up with me wasn't enough, you had to completely destroy our relationship?"
'Oh please!" Tanya scoffed. "It's not my fault you deluded yourself into thinking this was ever about anything other than sex!"
"Right," Evan turned away, his anger deflating suddenly leaving only a bone deep sadness behind. "Message received. More fool me for thinking I could change that."
"Evan," Tanya's tone softened. "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"Yes you did," Evan retorted. "Maybe not in the beginning but tonight's display was about nothing else. I never thought you had that much cruelty in you but I guess I was wrong ... I was wrong about a lot of things, so you're right, what I'm feeling now is my fault."
"I never lied to you," Tanya insisted.
"Never?" Evan looked at her pointedly, taking grim satisfaction when she looked away first.
"I don't want this," Tanya's voice was low and heavy with regret. "I don't want someone caring about me that way I could see you were beginning to. Those drawings Evan, and this morning ... the way you looked at me before we took off. It's not me. Having someone relying on me being there ... expecting things from me ... worrying about me. I'm just ... I'm not ready for that. I didn't see any other way ... I really am sorry."
"I ...," he shook his head. What else was there for him to say? If she'd wanted his opinion or input of any kind she'd have talked to him first. If she'd wanted him to hope for something in the future she wouldn't have set the stage to cut him down like she had. She'd put herself first - her need to keep an emotional distance, to avoid getting hurt as she had in the past. She'd looked after herself by destroying his belief in what he thought they'd had together. And he wasn't sure he could forgive her for that ... not any time soon anyway, even though intellectually he understood what was driving her. It was worse than her cheating on him ... she'd trampled his heart knowing how he felt about her. "I'm sorry too," he finally said.
And then he turned and walked away, leaving her standing staring after him.
He didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to go through the motions of pretending the world was the same place it had been the day before. What he really wanted was to drink until he couldn't think or better yet beat the crap out of something and take a beating in return until that pain took precedence over the pain in his heart. But he couldn't do either of those things and so he gathered it all up inside and forced it into a box labelled "Tanya - do not disturb" and shoved it all to the back of his mind. It was the same technique he'd used in the early days when his grief over John's death had been the strongest and he'd struggled to get his mind on his work. The same thing he'd done at the age of ten when he'd realised what his father not coming back really meant for their family and decided he'd have to be the man of the house ... when he'd decided that men didn't cry or bemoan their fate. They soldiered on and did what had to be done.
He was good at that, good at the calm and reasoned facade. It tested him to turn away from isolating himself and return to the bar, to look for his team and have a casual drink, joke and reminisce about the times they'd had during Red Flag. But he did it and he did it well enough that no one questioned him. Those who'd come from overseas would be flying out early the next morning ... Lorne had to make his goodbyes that night since he'd be reporting back for normal duty when that was happening. He'd made friends ... lasting bonds that he couldn't just let slide because he wanted to curl up in a corner and forget the world existed.
He started with his own team, thanking them all for letting him be a part of their squad.
"Are you kidding man?" Joe returned incredulously. "We should be thanking you ... I learned more from watching you in the air than I have anywhere else."
"Thanks," Evan slapped a hand to the younger man's back, genuinely touched by his gratitude.
"Stay in touch," Piper stepped forward and hugged him. "You really are one of the good guys Evan," she said in a low voice the others wouldn't hear. "Don't let what happened tonight have you doubting that."
Her words had the barriers he'd hastily constructed trembling – he had to swallow back what he hoped to hell wasn't tears before he could respond. "You're a talented leader Piper ... I'd be happy to fly in your wing any day."
"Really?" She grinned in delight, hugging him again before stepping back.
Evan shook hands with David next, the two exchanging thank you's without needing to say the words.
"I will stay in touch," Evan promised. "And who knows, maybe one day we'll find ourselves stationed at the same base."
"I hope so," Piper replied.
Spotting Dom and his squad across the room Evan gratefully drew the goodbye scene to a close – there was only so much his emotions could take and he'd genuinely miss Piper, Joe and David. That was military life for you – friendships made and left behind as you shifted from base to base. You had to learn to deal with that, as well as how to conduct your friendships from a distance.
"Gotta go say goodbye to someone else," he excused himself with a grin. "See you up there."
Dom spotted him before he got to the Australian's table, shifting to make room. "Hey," he greeted Lorne with a careful look that had Evan cringing inside. Dom had witnessed the public destruction of Evan and Tanya's relationship. "Damn," Evan thought, hoping the other man would see fit not to question him.
"Before you say anything I'm okay," he stated, going for offence being the best defence.
"I'm sure that'll be true eventually," Dom replied. "I'd say I'm sorry it didn't work out but I don't want you blubbering all over me ... not good for my image."
Evan laughed for real, appreciating the upfront attitude. "I'll try to resist the urge then," he returned. "You'd be flying out pretty early in the morning, right?"
"Mate, you have no idea," Dom nudged Riley who'd been studiously pretending not to listen to their conversation. "Tell him how early we have to get up."
Riley carefully looked at his watch and then said seriously "about an hour ago."
"You're flying out tonight?" Evan asked, surprised.
"Do you know how long it takes to get from Australia to the States?" Dom queried. "Its days ... well, over a day anyway ... I won't be able to feel my ass for a week afterwards."
"Ah yes – the joys of sitting in a Hornet for the long flights," Evan said knowingly. "Landing at every opportunity, refuelling on the go ... not to mention the ever faithful piddle pack."
"Tell the truth, you miss it right?" Steve pitched into the conversation.
"Hell yeah," Lorne said straight faced.
They all laughed then, Evan taking something healing from the exchange. Lingering with the Australian pilots for an hour or so Lorne eventually took his leave, determined he'd find a way to see the four of them again sometime in the future.
And that was it ... as he retired back to his room he drew a mental line through Red Flag on his list of things to do. There had been lessons learned, some welcome and some he could have done without.
Having his hopes for a future with Tanya crushed as they'd been that night had been hard but he knew that wouldn't be the worst of it. He'd have to return to his squad knowing he'd run into her from time to time ... and he'd have to work out how to get over the whole loving and losing thing. Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all had clearly never lost anything.
Worse than that he'd have to tell Elaine and Drew what had happened ... something he was dreading because he knew what Elaine would say. She'd assure him it wasn't him, it was Tanya and that he shouldn't take it personally. "I wasn't enough for her to change her mind about her own future – how else can I take that?" he thought. Then she'd tell him he shouldn't let this spoil him for future relationships, that settling down with someone was something he should still aspire to now he knew he could actually want that. "Not likely," he thought. "There's no way I'm letting anyone else do what Tanya did tonight ... I don't need it." Reclaiming his previous aversion to settling down made sense – he'd believed it wasn't for him before he'd met Tanya Reid and he could damn well believe it again.
Yeah, he'd have to call Elaine ... but not tonight; he'd put that off for as long as possible, until he was sure he could talk about it without blubbering like a baby or wanting to put his fist through the wall, either of which would have her turning up on his doorstep. The entire relationship had fired up, travelled nicely and then crashed and burned in the space of two weeks. Surely it wouldn't take much longer than that to get over it.
Aware that he was deluding himself again, Evan laid down on his bed and buried his head in his pillow, wishing the following weeks already gone. Anything to get his internal equilibrium back ... and he would, it just took effort to act like everything was okay until eventually it was. That was something Evan had learned to do too early in life, something he was good at. But if the past made a person who they were, Lorne couldn't help but wonder what kind of person his experience with Tanya would make him. It was too late and he was too tired to be thinking that deeply ... there'd be time enough in the days to come to search for the answers he wasn't sure were even out there.
Rolling over Evan stared at the ceiling until eventually he fell asleep.
The End.
Authors Note:
Greetings from my new home ... currently a mess of boxes and confusion over where I put stuff and where I'm going to put stuff ... but at least I have internet again!
So, the last chapter ... I know - not a happy ending ... I feel bad for hurting Evan like that but it had to be done. How else would someone as nice as him (not to mention hot LOL) still be single years later? Well, that's my take anyway ... which I hope fits or at least is believable.
Acknowledgement again to the Imax movie on Red Flag ... as I said I borrowed the basic activities from there, along with that last introductory statement made by Major Pace about mission ten. Also I'm aware that VOIP software freely available for use wasn't around in 2001 - I took writers license on that aspect because I liked the idea of Evan talking to Elaine and Drew and them being able to see each other.
Okay, so that's it for this one .... I'm working on the next story, the last before I connect past and present back together in Forlorn Hope, not sure how long it will take to write. Thanks for reading!