Author's note: This was a much harder story to write than I had expected when the first line and a broad idea popped into my head. I hope you found persisting with it was worthwhile. Thanks for your feedback on earlier chapters. Having only started writing again recently, inspired by my new and somewhat bizarre obsession with Tommy and Barbara, I am very happy that most of you like my stories.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tommy opened one eye slowly and peeped out from behind his blanket. The light streamed through the windows forming vivid ethereal patterns of shadow and colour on the surfaces of the room. He closed it again, not yet ready to face the day. His mouth was dry and as he ran his tongue around it to create lubrication he was repulsed by the furry feel of his teeth. He moved his head but promptly stilled it hoping that this might also stop the hundreds of men with jackhammers who had apparently taken up residence in his skull while he had been sleeping. He groaned. This was not going to be a good day. He knew that a good glug of whiskey would cure his ills, or at least send them into remission, but the thought of it nauseated him. That was good, it would lessen temptation.
He needed water and the bathroom. He sat up quickly hoping that would be less agony than a slow and deliberate rise. He swung his feet to the ground where they touched something warm and squishy. It yelped, he screamed, and suddenly he was face to face with Barbara. They stared at each other while they recovered from the shock. It was funny but neither of them laughed. His heart raced but he did not know if it was the shock or the surge of pleasure he had felt when he saw her. Tommy looked around and realised he was not at home, he was in a caravan. It all came flooding back and all he could do was to hide his shame behind his hands as he covered his face.
Barbara went to get up but was troubled by cramps in her back. She must have fallen asleep on the floor while she was watching over him. It was obviously morning and the last time she recalled checking the time was about eight the previous night. She had been exhausted by the day before so was not surprised how long she had dozed. She only wished she felt more refreshed. At least Tommy would feel much worse and she hoped he would sleep most of the day.
Neither of them spoke or even acknowledged each other. Tommy went to the bathroom while Barbara was stretching then quickly washed his face. He downed four glasses of water from the kitchenette tap, using the last to swish around his mouth in a vain attempt to take away the foul taste. Barbara had entered the bathroom and Lynley snuck back to the settee and turned to face to the wall. He pulled the blanket over his head and pretended to hibernate. Sleep eluded him but he was not yet ready to face the wrath of Sergeant Havers.
Barbara decided to shower. She had no fresh clothes but that was secondary to at least feeling washed. She was relieved she had not still been holding his hand when he woke. She had no idea what to say to him and hoped the water might also wash away her fears and embarrassment, but if anything it seemed to make it worse. She did not want to talk yet and was grateful he had crawled back into his cave. It would be best if Tommy slept while she drove into town to get some basic supplies.
She tore a page from her notebook and left him a quickly scrawled message so he would know where she was and that she would be back. She was tempted to pour out the whiskey but knew enough about alcoholics to know that if there was nothing here and he really needed a hit he might become frenzied. She seriously doubted he was actually an alcoholic but he certainly drank alcoholically at times. It was his right to choose but she had decided that if he became abusive or unmanageable she would leave.
Tommy heard the door click shut. He counted to two hundred and when he could hear nothing to indicate she was returning he sat up. His head was clearing but he was now very thirsty. He had two more glasses of water then saw the note. Comforted that he had time he showered and pulled on a fresh pair of boxers glad that he had had the presence of mind to pack a bag of essentials. The minty tang of the toothpaste made him gag but he persisted and brushed so furiously he threatened to wear away all the enamel. He was surprised at how this had exhausted him but he could not face the couch's lumps any longer so pulled back the cover of the bed and slipped between the cool clean sheets. He felt closer to Barbara lying there. Sleep came easily.
Barbara returned almost two hours later to find him gone. She panicked momentarily until she saw he had not touched the whiskey and now a second damp towel hung beside hers across the backs of two chairs. Showering was a good sign. She could see his clothes semi-folded beside his bag. She guessed where he was but opened the bedroom door slowly hoping he was asleep. His arms were outside the covers and he seemed content. Barbara wondered however if he was naked; that could be exceedingly awkward.
She showered again and changed into the new underwear and tee shirt that she had bought in town. The same jeans would be fine but she was glad of fresh socks. It was time for a late breakfast and she made herself some toast and jam and a cup of instant coffee. She had bought a cheap novel to amuse her while she waited for Tommy but concentration evaded her. Her thoughts kept going back to him and what had happened last night. Locating him had proved to be the easiest part, knowing what to do with him was much more difficult.
Tommy heard Barbara return but resisted the urge to open his eyes. His head ached as though it had been run over by the very train he had caught yesterday. He knew he was being a coward but he stayed in the protective cocoon of the bed. He had been afraid last night too, not letting on that he knew she was there. He had been intoxicated most assuredly but he was far from the depths of drunkenness that Barbara had assumed. He had heard her knock and had known he was safe; they would either leave here as friends, everything forgiven, or they would leave as lovers. He had not been able to predict which way it would go. As she had fussed around him and cleaned up his mess he had drifted in a dreamlike state halfway between reason and hope. Gradually her touch had changed and he had yielded to it becoming more and more conscious of an unspoken dialogue between them. She woke him almost fully when she had tucked him in like a little child and kissed him but when Barbara held his hand and stroked his hair his intense despondency from the incident at her flat was washed away by a mesmerizing stillness. It had taken all his willpower not to pull her into his arms. When she had cried out his name he had relaxed; they were not going home as friends. It was not yet the time to confront their problems though and being connected to her as she held his hand was enough. He had slept peacefully.
Today they had to talk. It was going to be challenging facing delicate and deeply personal feelings but the longer he waited the more self-conscious and afraid he became. Avoiding Barbara was ridiculous. With a deep breath he stepped into the main room of the van, now regretting that his spare clothes were on the opposite side of the room. He strode with a confidence he did not feel across to his bag. He was facing away from her but could sense her eyes sizing him up, trying to calculate how drunk he was and what he might do. He only wished her scrutiny was about how she would run her hands over him and make love to him. Tommy smiled, pleased that his embarrassment was waning to be replaced by a need to feel her close to him. He pulled on a clean pair of jeans and the jumper she had dressed him in last night. He sat on the settee and for the first time today spoke to her.
"I see you found me," he said softly as he looked at her.
Barbara tensed uncertain what to say. She was bashful about what she had done and said last night when the shroud of night and his unconsciousness had been her allies. Today, in the light, it was a completely different scenario. Barbara wanted to run. She paused and looked directly into his eyes for any signs of anger or regret. Finding none she replied quietly, "Yes, I did."
"I knew you would," he said and smiled so genuinely that Barbara found him irresistible, "Come here and hold me...please." He held his arms open for her.
She hesitated in spite of her feelings, and then moved to stand in front of him. Tommy wrapped his arms around her and nestled his face into her stomach. She smelled wonderful. He had never been close enough to really notice that before. He wanted to stay like this forever.
Barbara's emotions vacillated between joy and terror. She wondered where this would lead. There were still a thousand reasons why this was a terrible idea but she was trying to heed his mother's advice. She would be truthful and they would work it out. Despite her desire for him, long since banished to the back of her thoughts only to be brought out when she was alone and felt forsaken, she doubted they would be lovers. She hoped that they might be able to find a place where they could both be less alone and find a form of equanimity. She slowly relaxed and as his breathing became more even she placed one arm around his shoulders and started to gently stroke his hair with her other hand.
Neither spoke for several minutes both lost in their own longings and fears. He was too tired to talk and he just wanted to drift back to sleep with Barbara in his arms. "We don't have to talk yet," he told her. The stiffness went out of her body and she held him tighter. He gently guided her down so she was sitting next to him then leant in to her and tenderly kissed her cheek. "Thank you for finding me." He lay down pulling her with him. He wriggled further into the back of the settee to give her room then pulled the blanket around them. He folded his arm possessively over her and sighed. "You must be tired too. Get some sleep. We can talk it all through later."
Barbara did not resist. She was thankful for more time and very aware that she was emotionally exhausted. Above all lying snuggled against Tommy gave her a sense of security and ease that filled a void she had not realised existed. It was a troubling yet wondrous discovery.
It was mid-afternoon when they woke. Tommy was hungry and prepared them both some coffee and toast. "Did you buy any honey by any chance?" he asked.
"No sorry; only jam."
They ate in relative silence but the awkwardness had gone. Barbara was surprised at how chipper he was considering the amount of trauma and whiskey. "You recovered quicker than I thought."
"A bit too much practice I think. Water helps to flush out the liver and sleep helps the hangover. Besides a flask is only a pint so has about ten standard shots. Times that by five roughly and by tomorrow morning I should be relatively sober." Barbara looked horrified. "I'm okay though so long as I take it quietly. I used to drink like that for days at a time so one day won't kill me."
"You shouldn't do it to yourself Sir."
"Can't you call me Tommy?"
"No." Tommy shot her a look of annoyance but Barbara ignored him. "It doesn't feel right."
"Well I resigned remember so it sounds idiotic." Tommy was frustrated. While ever she called him 'Sir' she was still dug in behind her barricade.
"Hillier didn't accept it. You're on medical leave."
"You called me Tommy last night," he retorted softly.
Barbara went very still then looked down at her toast, mortified. "You were awake?"
"Only for the good bits. It was nice having you look after me like that." His tone was affectionate and grateful.
"Well someone had to; you certainly don't look after yourself!" she snapped.
"I was surprised how fast you got here though. Tell me how you did it?"
"You're changing the subject."
"Yes because you are getting angry again, but I'd still like to hear your logic."
"Well I want to know why you felt it necessary to test me." Barbara's resentment of his actions was starting to surface. She would prefer not to fight with him but it almost seemed inevitable.
"It wasn't a test," Tommy said, "or at least it didn't start that way."
"No? So why set all the clues? Going back to the house to check to see if I found your note pretty much gave it away."
"When I left your flat all I intended to do was to drown my miseries in whiskey. I couldn't see how I could work with you after what had been said so I wrote to Hillier but then I thought you would come to try to talk me out of it and I couldn't face you. I decided to leave you a note trying to explain and asking you to just leave me alone for a while but as I was writing I kept replaying what you said. I began to see that very first look before your shield came up. I thought I saw a very deep love attached to your sorrow, or I hoped I had. I wanted to give you a choice to find me or not but only if you were prepared to really look for me and see that I am capable of being honest and of loving you."
"So you decided to come here."
"No, not really. I needed more whiskey and the off license only had those silly little flasks so I bought some and caught a cab to the hill. I was waiting for you there but you never came. Then I realised I didn't have my phone in case you called, so I went back to the house. I left an empty next to the seat just in case so you would know I had been there; so that you would know you understood me. The note was gone so I figured you were either following me or ignoring me. It was a spur of the moment decision to come here. I needed to know if you would look and if you loved me enough to know why I was here."
Barbara considered his explanation. "I missed you at the hill because I was so upset from the night before I was late getting in to work. I had left messages on your phone but you never called me back. I figured you came here because it was somewhere no one else would think to look and we had enjoyed being here."
"More or less. The messages were left before I retrieved the phone. If you had rung again I would have answered," Tommy said. He searched around for words to explain it to her. "Here was somewhere that you knew I had found peace. I thought you would understand I wanted to find that again and that I could only do that with you. So I decided to catch the train down here."
"So why continue to drink so heavily?"
Tommy paused to think about how to answer that question adequately. "Partly because I was scared you wouldn't come, partly because I was scared you would and partly because you had to understand my dark side but the main reason was that if we have a future together then I can let it go. If you came I was saying goodbye to it and in a way to all the hurt from the past that it represents and if you didn't I was embracing it and would have probably drunk myself to death soon enough."
Guilt ate into Barbara as she listened to him. She had promised herself she would be honest with him. "I don't want to condemn you to this life," she said pointing at the empty bottles, "but no matter how much I might care for you we don't have a future together. We are too different and too damaged."
"Are we? Are we really so different or are you confusing the material world and your perception of where we fit in it with who we are? Have you stopped to think that we are actually each other's salvation?"
Barbara was staggered by the truth of his words and as she looked at him she thought her heart might actually break. "It's not enough."
"It's everything Barbara! It's the only thing that matters."
Her voice shook as she said, "I saw myself differently after I started working with you. I saw myself as the bitter person I had become. It wasn't everyone else against me, it was me hating everyone. Even when I thought you were insufferable and interfering I was in awe of how much you cared for people, even people like me. I couldn't do that."
"Really? You seemed to care far more than I did about the people. I was caught up in the justice, what was right and wrong. When you lied to Nies, about us, you showed how much you cared and how far you were prepared to go to protect something, or someone you believed in. You hardly knew me but we both knew that in each other we had found something that we lacked. I felt more balanced, more complete with you around. Didn't you?"
"Yes. I hated myself for it, but yes." Barbara was struggling not to cry.
"And that's why I came here because I wanted you to understand." Tommy moved his chair back from the table and sank to his knees in front of Barbara. He needed her to understand what she meant to him. It was complex but she had to know.
She looked at him trying hard to find his point. She struggled to make her own. "When we came here on the Shand case it brought me back to a time I had been happy, a time I before I became like I am, a time when my brother was alive. It completed a circle for me. When you pulled me from the marsh and brushed the mud off my face it had been so natural. I felt loved again."
"You were loved. You still are."
"Yes, but not in the way you want to love me now. That's just not us. We are not supposed to be lovers, what we have is different."
"Do you really believe that? I've seen the way you've looked at me at times. I saw the disappointment in your eyes when I was with Helen or other women."
"That's not fair. I never did anything to undermine you and Helen. I never even criticized her when she left you."
"I know; you behaved much better than I did. I was appallingly rude about you and that stupid dating agency." Tommy was ashamed remembering how petulant he had been.
"I was lonely. I was just trying to find something meaningful."
"And I was jealous. I didn't want you to find someone else. You already had something meaningful with me."
"Yes but I was lonely. I didn't have someone I could go home to, someone to make love to; you had Helen. Seems you had the best of both worlds,"
"I know; I was selfish. When we stayed here I had you both and I was happy."
She was no longer angry. It was hard to resent him when she knew that underneath it all he just wanted to feel loved. But I can't be what you want me to be!
"Tell me what happened with your mother."
"Why? What did she say?"
"She read me your message for her. She told me she hurt you and because of that you struggle with love. She said I had to be honest with you and I have been. Now you need to be honest with me."
"Did she indeed." Tommy was not sure he wanted his mother telling everyone about what had happened. He stood and went to the kitchenette for some water. He then sat on the settee aware Barbara was studying him waiting for a reply.
"Helen knew," he started, "she helped me to sort things out with Mother."
"Does your mother know it is sorted?" Barbara demanded, "if I can't help you I had better think about heading back to London."
Tommy saw she was serious and was terrified she would leave. "My father was dying and my mother was conducting an affair with Dr. Trenarrow virtually in the next room. I found them and couldn't understand or forgive her. I believed she had betrayed my father and we barely spoke for seventeen years. I ignored her and as a result I abandoned Peter. He was only seven and needed me and I couldn't see beyond my own needs. When he developed his addiction I blamed my mother, I never thought it was my fault but he did. He blames me and in hindsight he is right."
That explained a lot to Barbara. Many of his attitudes and behaviours suddenly made sense. "I'm sorry Sir. I'm sure she never intended to hurt you. Did she try to explain?"
"Yes but until yesterday morning I never understood. Mother was trying to justify how she could love both my father and Trenarrow. She said that love was like light, it wasn't one entity but many. Father had once been white light to her where all the colours in the spectrum could be split out and recombined. She had been happy but as he became ill some of the colours had faded and he was now only the blues and violets, the cooler, comforting and slower colours. Trenarrow was the more energetic and passionate reds. He filled a need and made her feel whole. By having both of them she still had white light."
"I see." Barbara found the logic interesting but she sympathized with Tommy, it was not something a youth would be able to comprehend.
"Yesterday morning I realised I was just like Mother. I had loved you and Helen without one interfering with the other. Together you made white light for me and probably when we here that was at its purest. Strangely enough I wasn't fighting with either of you!"
She was intrigued and had to ask, "So I am your blues?"
Tommy looked thoughtful. "I've been trying to work that out. I think you are red, the fiery end of the scale. Helen was more like the cooler blues but then sometimes I think it was the opposite way around. In many ways I think Helen was the greens and yellows and you were both blue and red."
Barbara considered the analogy. She went and sat next to Tommy on the couch. "Maybe there is another angle to it."
"Hmm, what's your theory then Professor Havers?" he said teasingly, pleased that she was taking him seriously.
"You give off colour too so maybe when your blue end and my red end meet or vice versa we get white, assuming of course we both bring the nuances of the middle colours. And maybe we get burned by each other because of the unseen infra reds and ultra-violets!"
Tommy laughed at her last observation. "Maybe we do." He could resist her no longer. He put his hand on her face and caressed it lovingly. She did not flinch or pull away so he leant in and kissed her with a tenderness and lovingness and desire that scared him. He felt as if his whole body had been stripped away to just leave his heart beating. If she rejected him now the heart would stop and he would cease to exist.
Barbara's head was screaming at her to pull away but she was powerless. No one had ever kissed her like that before and in those precious few moments she knew he loved her, really loved her. No matter which way the colours combined they both had white light. How liberating that knowledge was for her took her by surprise. She was no longer afraid of the closeness they shared. She adored Tommy and needed him to know how intensely she loved him so enclosed him in her arms and kissed him passionately. She would worry about the future later.
No woman had ever shown him such desire in a kiss. Barbara had lost her inhibitions. This was the unfettered woman he knew lived behind the fortifications. She kissed him hard and each time he deepened their kiss she went further taking them both across the border into a new world of lust and carnal need. From the depths of his despair yesterday he was now orbiting the Sun. She had pushed him back onto the couch and had her hands under his jumper trying to rip it off him. Still kissing her he managed to kneel and then stand. As he kissed her towards the bedroom they discarded most of their clothing. He cursed himself for having drunk as much as he had. His blood pressure was rising and with it his headache had returned but he was determined that in making love to her she would be pampered and worshipped beyond her wildest imaginings. He shut the bedroom door with his foot, secluding them from all the issues of their lives.
Hours later Barbara was in heaven as she lay replete in his arms. She was still worried about the future but was no longer afraid of it. "By the way, I am in love with you Tommy, in case you hadn't noticed."
"I am happy to hear that but I'm not sure I can believe what you say any more my dear Havers. Perhaps you had better show me again." They both laughed as they nuzzled each other's necks before making love again, not for the last time that night.
Author's endnote:
My next idea is quite dark and will be difficult to get right. That, combined with a new boss at work, considerable travel and some upcoming surgery may mean I will disappear for a while but I will still enjoy reading your stories.
Take care and thanks for your support.