Dude, Where's my Groom?
Part IV
I woke up at the sound of a crash that sounded like a freight train coming through the wall, I just clenched my eyes closed tighter and rolled over. My back and neck ached from being on, what I assumed to be the floor. Although, when I rolled over I was met with a bare, moving, male chest and the small snores of...someone. I heard someone stalking through the room and just closed my eyes yet again. After a few moments I heard a deep roar and Alan's yelling and I shot up from the floor. My head hurt like a bitch, and it would of hurt more had I not moved out of the way, for Alan crashed trough the bathroom door and tripped over my mystery man. He flipped over, clutching his stomach, I looked back from seeing where Stu was to see...Phil? Clutching his stomach next to me. Oh my...I mean, it's not that big of a deal but still...I tried remembering what happened last night as Phil told Alan to put some pants on. I hazily remember being at a club, and grinding with Phil, and making out with Phil, but that's about it.
"Just calm down." Phil said to Alan, squinting at the bright sunlight.
"Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom!" Alan hollered.
"Alan, if you do not stop yelling, so help me -" I started but was cut off by Stu. Poor hungover Stu.
"What's going on?" He looked like a lost puppy.
"There is a jungle cat in the bathroom!"
"Did we -?" I tried to ask Phil but he was busy getting up from his spot on the floor, so I settled for sitting by Stu on the couch.
"Okay! I'll check- I'll check it- I'll check it out!" He exclaimed while Alan was still freaking out, holding his shirt down so no one saw...that. I was so disoriented. What is going on? Why is there a chicken across from me and a tiger in the bathroom?
"No, Phil, don't go!" I looked over to see Phil's toned backside walking into the bathroom and peering in. Well, even if I did sleep with him, I did say I was going to get a hot piece of man-ass, right? I was broken out of my reverie by another low growl and Phil slamming the door closed.
"Oh, oh fuck he's not kiddin' there's a tiger in there." He said, laughing and pointing to the door.
"No there's not." Stu just slurred. I couldn't help but laugh. Poor kid.
"Yeah it's big! Gigantic!" Alan said. Phil picked up his blue shirt he was wearing when we got here, though why it was out here, I'd never know. Come to think of it, what the hell happened in here?
"Hey, you okay buddy? And Shorty, as much I like what I see, you mind puttin' some clothes on?" I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I barely registered that I was wearing nothing but my zebra boy shorts and bra.
"No, I am in so much pain right now." Stu said, rubbing his face. I hastily found someone's oversized t-shirt.
"Well damn, look at this place." Phil said, plopping down between me and Stu.
"I know, Phil, they've got my credit card downstairs, I am so screwed." He said, dropping his head into his hands.
"Phil, I think we did the dirty deed last night." I whispered into his ear. He just looked at me.
"Well, that would explain our predicament a few minutes ago." Referring to his unbuckled black pants, my lack of outer clothing, and us sleeping on the floor together.
"Hey, how the hell does a tiger get in the bathroom, I mean it almost killed me!" Alan was still going on about the tiger.
"Dude, Alan. This is the second time I've seen you without pants on in twenty four hours. Please, dude. Do us a favor." I told him, Phil just looked at me weirdly.
"Yeah, I find it a little weird that we have to ask twice." Phil agreed. I spotted my jean shorts over by the bar, and ran over to grab them. As I bent down, I heard Phil let out a whistle. I glared over my shoulder.
"Pants, at a time like this? I don't have any." Alan said, frantically searching for something of a cover. He spotted a towel and wrapped it around his waist.
"When did you get a tramp stamp, Shorty?"
"I don't have a- Oh my." I said, looking into a mirror and lifting up my shirt. Right there, above my butt, was a tattoo with intricate designs and the name Cowboy in the middle.
"Who's Cowboy?" Phil asked.
"My great dane." I said, a little embarrassed. I slipped on my shorts and sat back down on the couch.
"What the fuck happened last night?" Phil asked no one in particular.
"I don't know. Phil, Tara, am I missing a tooth?"
"I can't- Holy shit." Phil laughed. I slapped him over the head.
"Oh my god. My lateral incisor, it- it's gone!" Stu said, looking in the mirror.
"Okay, okay. Just calm down, everyone's fine. It's fine. Alan, go wake up Doug, let's get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping comes." Phil said, rubbing the sleep -and hangover- out of his eyes.
"I concur." I said, standing up and going into my room to change my shirt. I heard Phil and Stu talking about how Stu's gonna tell Melissa about his tooth and how Stu's freaking Phil out and how he has a massive headache. I rolled my eyes as I changed my shirt, my old striped crop top again, and started rubbing the run off makeup off my face, noting the hickeys and bite marks on my neck. "You're not the only one, Phillip!" I yelled, although I regretted it from my head. As soon as I finished I started looking through my bag for something for my headache, but all I found was Midol. It'll have to do.
"Hey guys, Doug's not in his room." My eyes widened as I swallowed the pills. I ran out of room to see Alan pointing toward Doug's room.
"What?" I yelled, everyone -including me- cringed at the noise.
"Did you check all the rooms?" Phil asked.
"Yeah, I looked everywhere, plus his mattress is gone."
"Are you fucking with me right now?" I exclaimed.
"Oh whatever, he's probably just down at the pool getting some breakfast, I'll call his cell." Phil said, pulling out his phone. I sat down next to him. Damn boy, cover up those abs, or we might have to recap last night.
"I look like a nerdy hillbilly!" Stu said, examining his, lack of a, tooth once again. Phil laughed, and I just patted Stu on the back giving him a pathetic look. We heard Doug's phone ringing and Alan picked it up.
"Hello?" He answered.
"Alan." Phil said.
"Hey."
"It's Phil," He said incredulously.
"Oh hey, Phi- This is Doug's ph- This is Doug's phone." He said flipping the phone closed.
"No shit it's Doug's phone." Phil said, closing his own phone. I just groaned and got up to look for Doug again, -I thought about looking on the roof, that would be the last place I remember seeing him- but was interrupted by a baby crying. I went over to the closet and just saw a baby sitting in a carrier, crying.
"What the eff?" I asked, picking the baby up. It continued to cry. I started bouncing it up and down, when that didn't seem to help and it hollered louder, I just bounced it more and started singing the first song in my head as the guys approached us. "Smack dat, all on the floor. Smack dat, give me some more. Smack dat, til you get sore. Smack dat, oh ooh." As I finished the chorus he finally stopped crying and resorted to laughing along with the other guys.
"Who's fucking baby is that?" Phil asked, pointing at him as if he were an alien. "Alan, are you sure we're the only one's in the suite?"
"Yeah I checked, no one's here. Check it's collar or something." Alan said, reaching for his neck. I smacked his hand away.
"Alan, babies don't have collars."
"Shorty, we don't have time for this. Let's go hook up with Doug and we'll deal with the baby later."
"Phil, we are not leaving a baby in here." I said.
"There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Stu exclaimed.
"It's not our baby." Phil said. I shot an icy glare over my shoulder and resisted the urge to punch that perfect face.
"I'm gonna have to side with Stu and Tara on this one." Alan said. Good boy.
"Alright fine, we'll take it with us. Just, Alan, find some pants. You're not taking a baby downstairs in a robe, or whatever the fuck that is." Phil said.
"It's a sarong." Alan defended.
"It is, so wrong." I retorted, carrying the baby out of the room and down the hallway to wait for an elevator. Where was I gonna look for Doug again? I was still so out of it. By the time everyone got there, the elevator was waiting and Alan had a baby carrier strapped to his chest. I placed the baby inside and took my spot in between Alan and Phil.
"Did you sleep with my cousin last night?" Alan asked suddenly.
"I don't know, maybe."
"Kay well, just don't get her preggers."
"Why can't I remember anything last night?" Stu asked, holding a makeshift icepack to his face.
"Because we obviously had a great fucking time last night, will you stop worrying for one minute? Be proud of yourself." He said. I had to agree a little bit.
"I don't know Phil, maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth. Or maybe, it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room which, incidentally, is destroyed. Oh, wait, wait, wait, I know, maybe it's because we found a baby. A human baby. That's it. That's it, it's because we found a fucking baby!" I just looked at Phil and he shrugged and Alan got up from his spot leaning against the wall.
"I don't think you should curse around the child."
"Oh really? I don't think you should be around a child." I smacked Stu's arm. Alan may be a little weird, but only I got to insult him.
Then the elevator stopped a little more than halfway down and a nice elderly lady walked into the elevator. She smiled at me and made eye contact with everyone else.
"How cute. What his name?" She asked politely. No one said anything so Phil said;
"Ben." Alan obviously wasn't impressed with that.
"Carlos." The woman looked at me, confused.
"Benjamin Carlos, but his Uncle," I gestured to Alan "likes to call him Carlos." I covered for them, taking Phil's hand and looking at him lovingly -or as much as I could muster. She just smiled back at us.
~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~
"Thank you." Phil said as the waiter handed me and him our coffees.
"Hey, guys, look." Alan called our attention. "He's jacking his little weenis." I couldn't help the small smile the spread over my lips and Phil openly smiled.
"Pull yourself together, man."
"Not at the table Carlos." Alan mock scolded him. I giggled.
"I looked everywhere." Stu said, plopping down in his seat, defeated. "Gym, casino, front desk, no one's seen Doug."
"He's fine. He's a grown man." Phil consoled. "Seriously Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice." He said handing Stu orange juice. I felt a little sick at the sight of that, and Stu promptly vomited right beside me, I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I looked away quickly.
"I can't have juice right now." He whined.
"Okay. Alright, let's track this thing." Phil said, flipping over a napkin and grabbing a pen. "What's the last thing we remember doing?"
"Well, first thing we were doing those shots of Jäger on the roof." I offered.
"Then we ate dinner at the Palm, right?" Phil said righting everything down as I nodded, and Stu retched and coughed.
"We played craps at the Hard Rock and I think Doug was there." Alan said.
"That sounds right. No, no. He definitely was." Phil said.
"You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner." Stu said shrugging.
"What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hungover." Phil said, leaning back in his chair. I ran my finger absent mindedly through his hair. I could see him visibly relax and close his eyes.
"After the Hard Rock, I blanked out. It was like emptiness." Alan laughed, Stu mocked him, and Phil opened one eyes to scrutinize the men. I didn't say anything, I barely remember after dinner.
"We have until ten P.M. That leaves a twelve hour window where we could have lost him." Phil said.
"What's this?" Alan said, holding up a squarish white thing I only recognized as a tooth.
"Holy shit, that is my tooth. Why do you have that?" Stu exclaimed
"What else is in those pockets?"
"No, this is good. Check your pockets, check your pockets." Phil said, reaching into his own pockets. I found a lonesome condom wrapper in one of my pockets, even though I didn't wear these jeans, which only means I changed and we did it multiple times. I mindlessly threw it onto the table and Phil smirked. "Anyone have anything?"
"I have a receipt for the Bellagio, eleven-oh-five, for eight-hundred dollars, I am so fucked!" Stu's voice raised with each word.
"I have a valet ticket from Caesar's for five-fifteen A.M." Alan said.
"Oh shit, we drive last night?" Phil placed his head in his hands. I internally panicked.
"Drunk driving, classic." Alan laughed. I scrunched my eyebrows and shook my head. "What's on your arm?" I looked to where he was pointing, Phil had a little orange bracelet on his arm.
"What the fuck?" He said, looking at the band. I took his wrist in my hand.
"You were in the hospital last night." I said, shocked.
"I guess so, yeah." He's said, nonchalantly.
"Are you okay?" Alan asked.
"Yeah, Alan, I'm fine." He said mockingly.
"What the hell is going on?" Me and Stu both asked.
"No, guys, this is good. We have a lead now." Phil said, lightening this up.
"Hey, Stu, watch this." Alan started 'jacking Carlos' weenis' again. Stu was trying hardly not to laugh. "You ever seen a baby do that?"
"Alan, not cool."
A/N: Soo, I was going to update yesterday but life just got in the way.
Happy Good Friday to anyone that celebrates it!
The part about the sarong and the part last chapter when Tara tells Stu he looks homosexual I stole from the blooper reel. I forgot to mention it, there may be a few other extended scene/blooper reel things stuck in there, in case you don't recognize some of the dialogue (Not including stuff said by Tara)
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and I'll update again soon!
Good? Bad? Lemme know!