"Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy!"
Rated T for language
Disclaimer: I do not own Saturday Night Live, the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches or Ever After High. Ever After High is owned by Mattel and the respective co-authors of the EAH books, Shannon Hale or Suzanne Selfors. Anyway, after watching some Celebrity Jeopardy sketches on YouTube, I thought it would be hilarious to do an Ever After High edition of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy! And yes, if you're asking, I will do all Ever After High characters two at a time, along with Alex Trebek's sworn enemy, Sean Connery! Anyway, here we go!
P.S.: Some of the characters may end up a little OOC than usual, but hey, what can you expect from one of the greatest skits of Saturday Night Live and two of the greatest characters of the show. Now be forewarned that some of the characters in my fic are well... not that bright. If you all haven't seen the awesome SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits, I recommend you check them out on either YouTube or Dailymotion. It will make you lose your crap all over. Either way, here we go!
Chapter 4: Sparrow Hood, Blondie Lockes and Sean Connery
The Celebrity Jeopardy theme played once again as the host of the show, Alex Trebek, appeared alongside both Sparrow Hood, Blondie Lockes and a certain Scot. Knowing how much this was gonna end bad, Trebek licked his wounds already and started the show off grimly.
"And welcome back to Ever After High Celebrity Jeopardy," Trebek sighed in distress, "If you're watching this right now, I will tell you right to your face that what you will see next will rob you of your innocence and childhood. With that said, let's take a look at our scores. In 1st place with $5 is Sparrow Hood."
The camera had gotten a good look at Sparrow Hood, who had his guitar in hand, ready to play his tune much to the host's chagrin.
"It is good to be heeeeeeeeeeeere!" Sparrow Hood shouted while screeching his guitar.
"Yeah, it sure is, Sparrow." Trebek rolled his eyes, "And not to mention my already bleeding eardrums. In 2nd place with -50,000 is Blondie Lockes. We had to deduct points from her, all because she wouldn't shut the hell up."
The camera then scrolled right over to Blondie Lockes, who had Cedar Wood standing aside her holding her MirrorPad as if she was filiming an episode of Just Right, Blondie's TV's show. As the record button was lit up, Blondie started to speak with a bear-shaped microphone.
"Hello everyone, this is Blondie Lockes reporting from Celebrity Jeopardy!" The bubbly reporter said to the camera. "Right now, Sparrow's in the lead, I'm dumb as a box of rocks and sooner or later, Alex Trebek's ears will bleed to death! All coming in this special episode of Just Right! Remember, if it's not hot or cold, it's just right!"
"How excruciating of you to say that, Miss Lockes." Trebek told her before sighing grimly at the next contestant standing aside Blondie, "And last but least, in 3rd place with a score of negative god-knows-what... Sean Connery."
Much to Trebek's distaste, the camera scrolled over to Trebek's arch-rival, Sean Connery, who smiled like the devious Scot that he was.
"We meet once again, you paper-moustached bastard." Connery replied.
"I don't want to hear about it, Mr. Connery." Trebek sighed, not having to deal with Connery's bullcrap again.
"Oooh, so you like it quiet, huh Trebek?" Connery raised his eyebrow. "Well, I wouldn't blame ya, your mother likes it loud and nasty."
"See, that's just what I'm talking about." Trebek rolled his eyes, "Anyway, here are the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, Are You Deaf, Stanley Cup - which is about NHL's biggest event, Drink Water, Goldilocks and the Blank Bears, and finally Famous Robin Hoods - and I will give you a big hint: There is only one. Sparrow Hood, since you're more of a nuisance than Mr. Connery, it's your turn to go."
"I'll take Sparrow Hood Is So Awesome for ten thousaaaaaaaaaaaaand!" Sparrow screeched with his guitar, hurting Trebek's ears once more.
"Ow, my bleeding ears!" Trebek groaned while plugging his ears. "You know what, that was a mistake. Blondie Lockes, you go this time."
Once again, Blondie Lockes had paid no attention to the host, therefore having to talk to the camera instead.
"This just in, Sparrow Hood just managed to break the sound barrier around Trebek's entire head!" Blondie said to everyone watching at home, "Let me tell you something, he's just proven himself once again to become Ever After High's most rowdy rocker! And that my friends is just right!"
"And yet, I'm invisible." Trebek whined, "You know what, let's just go to Goldilocks and the Blank Bears for $400. The answer is: The number three is how many bears there are in Goldilocks. Remember, if you all say 'three', you get the points. Blondie Lockes, you might wanna guess this."
*BZZT!*
"Sparrow Hood?"
"That's easy, it's zero!" guessed Sparrow.
"No Sparrow, it's not." Trebek groaned.
"But blank usually means zero, right?" Sparrow replied with wonder.
"That's how many times Trebek can't get laid." Connery smirked at Sparrow, who exchanged laughter with each other.
"Don't make fun of my sex life, Mr. Connery." growled the host.
*BZZT!*
"Blondie Lockes, will you like to say the word three?" asked Trebek.
Yet once again, she didn't pay any attention to the host. Just like last time, Blondie ended up speaking to the mirrorpad once more.
"This just in, old crusted-up game show host with no sex life at all just asked me to say a word I can't quite remember what to say! What thrilling details I must share with you right now!" Blondie replied to Cedar, who was of course, holding it like a camera.
But before she could say anything else, the buzzer rang out.
"Not even close, Blondie." Trebek sighed disappointingly, "The correct answer was three."
"The same number of times it took for me to do your mother last night." Connery smirked.
Trebek couldn't help but scowl at that open-handed comment made by his arch-nemesis. Just the way he was laughing about his mom jokes made Trebek wanna punch him in the mouth. But since he couldn't knowing he was on a game show, he just decided to take it like a man.
"I hate you so much, Mr. Connery." Trebek shook his head, "Look, why don't you pick another category and get it over with."
"Ah, maybe I will, Trebek." nodded Connery, "I'll take Stanley Sees You Pee for $800."
"Mr. Connery, it's Stanley Cup, not Stanley Sees You Pee!" the host corrected him.
"No, it's not, it's Stanley Sees You Pee!" Connery corrected back, before getting out of his podium to head over to the board.
"Mr. Connery, where in the hell are you going?" Trebek asked him.
After he got a ladder from backstage, Sean started climbing up to the board to point at the word under 'Stanley'.
"See right there, Trebek? C's U Pee!" Connery smirked.
"This has nothing to do with bodily fluids!" Trebek reminded him.
*BZZT!*
"What the hell is it, Sparrow Hood?" Trebek groaned.
"Did you just admit that Stanley saw you pee?" Sparrow said to the host.
"No, I did not!" cried out Trebek.
Hearing this from the host, Blondie Lockes suddenly went to her mirrorpad that Cedar Wood was holding and spoke into it.
"Ladies and gentleman, this is just breaking news! Trebek just admitted that a man named Stanley watches him pee, even if he doesn't want to admit it's true!" Blondie exclaimed.
"Like I said, it's- never mind, let's just forget the whole entire category and just go right to Final Jeopardy so I can be done with this bullcrap and get rid of all of you three for pissing me off! And there is no category, all you have to do to win is to write down any type of weapon. Write. NOW!"
Hearing the anger in Trebek's words, both Sparrow, Blondie and Sean Connery grabbed their pens immediately and starting writing down their answers and wagers altogether while the host picked himself up and gave them advice while the Final Jeopardy theme played.
"Remember, it can be any kind of weapon," Trebek told them, "It can be a knife, or sword, heck you can even bring me a gun so I can shoot myself for being stuck in this hellhole. Any kind of weapon that you want."
The three then put their pens away as the theme faded away slowly, forcing Trebek to check their answers and wagers. And it all started with Sparrow Hood, whom the host approached.
"Well, now that I'm being calm and collected as ever, let's check out Sparrow Hood's answer." Trebek calmly sighed, "He wrote down..."
Sparrow's answer: Sparrow
"Sparrow wrote down sparrow, of course." Trebek nodded, "That of course, counts as a weapon since I know that Sparrows are dangerous pecking birds. So, in a strange way, you got it right, Sparrow."
"Of course, I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!" Sparrow said, screeching his guitar again.
"Ow, my frickin' ears!" Trebek replied, plugging his ears in safety of Sparrow's screeching guitar. After the sound went away, Trebek removed his hands through his ears and continued with, "Anyway, let's see what you wagered."
Sparrow's wager: Is #1
"Is number one. Sparrow... is... number... one." Trebek muttered slowly.
"That's true, you know." Sparrow told the host.
"In some cases, not really." Trebek shook his head before approaching Blondie, "Blondie Lockes is grinning like some kind of idiot here. Maybe she also had the right answer."
Blondie's answer: Just
"Blondie put down the word just." Trebek groaned, "And let me guess, she wagered the word right?"
Blondie's wager: Right
"I frickin' knew it." Trebek groaned again, "How retarded of you to actually guess."
"And there you have it, folks!" Blondie said to the mirrorpad, "It looks like our favorite spermstachioed host is now being clueless of the clues and answers we've totally been given to him. Needless to say, I failed as a game show contestant. Tune in tomorrow where I get the full scoop on Daring Charming's sex tape between himself, Apple White, Cerise Hood and Lizzie Hearts, all to be revealed in a shocking episode of everyone's favorite gossip show, Just-"
Before she could finish that word, Trebek cut her off by grabbing the mirrorpad off of Cedar Wood's hands and smashing it all across the podium, breaking it in pieces. After that was done, the host picked up the broken pieces of Blondie's mirrorpad and gave it to the shocked bubbly blonde herself.
"Don't you ever come near my studio ever again," Trebek warned Blondie before finally approaching his least favorite contestant of the three, "Okay, Mr. Connery, let's just get this over with. You wrote down..."
Connery's answer: A gun
"My goodness, you drew a weapon, which is practically a gun." Trebek gasped. "I'm surprised you got the right answer."
"Well, I have to apologize for having to trash you all throughout the show," Connery said, feigning some award-winning compassion for the host. "I gotta say, despite me having such a hard time, I really enjoying having fun with you, Alex."
Hearing this response from Connery actually made Trebek smile from all the carnage for once.
"Well, I'm surprised to hear that coming from you, Mr. Connery." the host smiled.
"It's the best that I could do for you, Trebek." Connery smiled back.
"Now that's said and done for now, let's see what you put down, Sean." Trebek said as he read the wager.
Connery's wager: A picture of Trebek's casket with bullet holes in them.
Once he saw that, Trebek's face went from happiness to defeated in a matter of seconds.
"You drew me getting shot in my grave." The host grumbled.
"That's when you've turned a zombie." Connery informed him, "Impressive artwork, huh?"
"Yeah, you're a real piece of art, Mr. Connery," Trebek sighed before facing the camera, "Well, that's all-"
Before Trebek could finish that line, however...
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Sparrow came in and screamed out a guitar chord, bleeding Trebek's eardrums completely.
"Ah, what the hell, Sparrow?!" The host said to the guitarist.
"Sorry, just wanted to do that, bra." Sparrow smirked.
"You're banned just like Blondie is," Trebek said to Sparrow before closing things out to the camera, "That's it for Jeopardy, all of you can bite my ass. Good day."
And just like that, the host left the Jeopardy set in total defeat while Connery kept on laughing at the host's misery.
Well, Sparrow definitely knows how to push Trebek's buttons for sure. That's why Sparrow is so frickin' awesome like that.
So, now that's finally done and out of the way, which two contestants you wanna see next alongside Trebek's arch nemesis, Sean Connery? More Trebek-trashing fun will continue next chapter, so stay tuned! Peace for now, my gangstas!