OBLIGITORY DISCLAIMER: I do not and have not ever owned Naruto :(

Chapter 4: Traitor Kakashi And The Sennen Goroshi

Shiro stood in the centre of training field 09 awaiting his first contact. He'd been in Konoha for nearly a week now – the first few days being the most stressful as he awaited the seemingly inevitable meeting with Konoha's infamous T&I Department given his initial meeting with the chunin guards at the front gate. However, when he wasn't dragged away by Konoha ANBU at any point in time, Shiro decided that luck was on his side and Konoha shinobi were idiots before he began to scout out potential turncoats.

It took him hours upon hours of scouring local bars – both civilian and shinobi run – before he came across a guy who knew a guy who had a second cousin twice removed that knew a guy who could help him. And so here he was, standing in the middle of a training field in the middle of the night waiting to meet the mysterious "Master" who he had been assured would be willing to help him with just about anything he needed, morals be damned.

The mysterious "Master" also happened to be three hours late. Just when Shiro was about to call it quits and go back to his hotel room, he was subjected to a small explosion of smoke and leaves making him heave and cough while his eyes watered upon having the plume of smog blow up into his face.

"Yo!"

When his eyes finally cleared, Shiro quickly managed to make out the shinobi who had just appeared (and just about choked him to death) via shunshin. He was a fit and relatively tall man with spiky silver hair and a dark-coloured eye. The reason for Shiro seeing only one eye was because the shinobi wore his blue forehead protector tilted to the left to cover his left eye and a mask that obscured the lower-half of his face, only revealing his right eye to the world. Otherwise the man donned the standard attire of the Konoha forces and a pair of metal-plated gloves.

Shiro opened his mouth, maybe to yell at the man or question him on his reasons for being late, when the shinobi's lone eye suddenly crinkled shut giving Shiro the feeling that he was being smiled at… somehow.

"Sorry I'm late Mr Ichimaru but my favourite flavour of pop-tarts was discontinued and I had to stage a rally," The shinobi Eye-Smiled™ at him.

Shiro noticed instantly that there were several things wrong with that sentence, one of which being the fact that the shinobi used his real name rather than the fake one he had given his informants, the one stated on his fake passport: Maou Yakama. However, instead of mentioning it, Shiro instead found himself absorbing everything else the one-eyed man had said which led to a response based entirely on his reaction to the shinobi's dumbass excuse.

"That's the biggest load of bull I've ever…" Shiro began to say before his brain managed to kick in and he finally recognised who it was he was talking to. "You're Kakashi Hatake… the Copy Cat Ninja, right?"

"Yup," Kakashi the Copy Cat Ninja nodded.

"Also known as the Master…?" Shiro asked cautiously whilst internally questioning everything he ever knew. If Kakashi Hatake was indeed the "Master" then that could mean that the last remaining student of the Cursed-Yellow-Bastard-Of-A-Yondaime-Hokage was willing to betray Konoha… However, the possibility in itself was just too good to be true. In fact, it couldn't be true!

But if it was true… then Shiro wasn't even going to begin contemplating the kind of celebrity status he'd get back home in Iwa for such an achievement.

"Yup," Kakashi the Copy Cat Ninja nodded again which left Shiro reeling, his only response being a quiet, "Oh."

"Yeah, so I guess we'd better get down to business." Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja said eagerly.

"Yes, about our business…" Shiro trailed off.

"Don't worry Mr Ichimaru, I know the drill. What happens at the 'Secret Meeting in the Middle of the Night with the Anonymous Stranger Who We Don't Talk About' stays at the 'Secret Meeting in the Middle of the Night with the Anonymous Stranger Who We Don't Talk About.'" Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja said conspiratorially.

"Right, well, in that case…" Shiro grinned, only just resisting the urge to rub his hands together manically as Kakashi the Could-Be-Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja reached into the pocket of his flack jacked and pulled out… a tiny orange book… "What are you doing?"

"I think the better question is: what aren't you doing?" Kakashi the Apparently-Not-So- Traitorous-Copy-Cat-Ninja asked Shiro.

"Is… Is that Icha Icha Paradise?" Shiro asked after a moment having caught a glimpse of the front cover.

"Deluxe edition," Kakashi nodded.

"That's why you're here?" Shiro asked slowly while having a very not-so-good feeling about all of this. When he'd been told that the "Master" could help him and didn't give a damn about the morals involved, he had not expected to be standing in an abandoned field in the middle of the night with Kakashi Hatake and a book full of porn. In fact, this particular scenario had been very much not anticipated on Shiro's side of things. Hell, the thought of the Copy Nin turning traitor was more realistic to Shiro than this!

"Yes, of course." Kakashi said sagely which quickly brought Shiro out of his thoughts and back to the unconventional matter at hand. "This is a 'How-To-Come-Out-As-A-Giant-Perv-Without-Being-Castrated-By-The-Local-Female-Population' tutorial after all. I went to one and was taught when I was still young by Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ and now I'm going to teach you. How else do you think I learnt to get away with reading this shit in public?" the one-eyed shinobi asked.

"You read that in public?" Shiro spluttered, still trying to process that this was indeed happening.

"Yes and when I'm done with you, you will too." Kakashi said very seriously.

"Wha-" Shiro began to ask before he was interrupted by Kakashi who moved with lightning speed to slap a gloved hand over his mouth, silencing the Iwa spy instantly. "Sh, someone's here." Kakashi hissed before disappearing in another expulsion of smoke and leaves on which Shiro choked, coughed and spluttered on for another few minutes while trying to regain his composure.

"Hey, wait a second Hatake," Shiro hissed into the night seeing only various moving shadows in the light of the fool moon. "What are you doin…?"

"Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu: One Thousand Years of Death! (Sennen Goroshi)" Kakashi's voice suddenly rung out in the night before a masked figure that looked suspiciously like an Anonymous-ANBU-Agent came flying out of the trees with a scream of utter agony. The figure who Shiro was nearly positive was in fact an ANBU landed a few feet away from him with a sickening crunch and a whimper all the while crying and holding his… ass?

Shiro decided to feel sorry for the poor bastard and pray to any god that would listen that he wouldn't suffer the same fate. It looked horrible.

"Oh dear god… that's just… wow…" Shiro muttered when the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent started to claw at his own ass cheeks while muttering about a burning pain and wanting 'no more fingers up there'.

"Yes, yes it is." Kakashi's voice replied from behind him making Shiro spin around at top speeds, his heart hammering as he feared the worst. When the Copy Nin didn't move other than to once again pull out his Icha Icha Paradise book, Shiro decided that it would be best if he got the hell out of there and tried to never ever think about this incident again.

"In that case I'll just be going and… yeah." Shiro said before turning around and jogging away from the scene, all the while ignoring the Anonymous-ANBU-Agent's pained pleas for help and something to stop the burning in his asshole… which wasn't a pleasant thought at all. From behind him, Shiro could hear Kakashi Hatake calling his name – his real name – and yelling, "Don't forget to take the 'How-To-Peep-On-Women-Without-Being-Castrated-By-The-Local-Female-Population' workshop with Jiraiya-Sama: The-Great-Super-Pervert-Himself™ on Wednesday! There's a free autographing and gift bag in it for you afterwards!"