Chizi: (holding bowl of chips) Oh hey, we're back!
Zilo: (bursts through the door) Sorry, everyone! I was working on 3 fics at once! I'm just glad I finished 2 of them up before July ended!
Chizi: No excuses!
Zilo: ... (smacks Chizi)
Chizi: OW!
Zilo: So, thanks to Pumpkin2Face, Jibbette, Storm Uchiha, Mimtalind, wintermoon, SpIcYpEpPeR, alexthegreat, Yibbs, Azelf, Koinu-chan, TomatoLove, stabby things, Im-Right-Behind-You, and xdreamernumbuhfour for reviewing! Here's the next chapter!
4: The Phone Call That Changed Everything
In which lies are applied liberally
Al sounded stunned when he finally responded. "Wow, that's really amazing. I had heard that there were unusual types of alchemy, but nothing like this!"
"Yeah, well, you know how that is," I said with a nervous laugh, suddenly having a feeling of dread. I was starting to remember how Ed and Al studied alchemy like crazy and always wanted to know everything about it. It dawned on me then that maybe I hadn't picked the right idea. Ricky looked like he had come to the same conclusion, and had a worried expression on his face. Cassie just looked confused.
"Can I ask you some questions about it?" Al asked.
Damn.
"Uh, w-well, you see, I don't know a whole lot about it myself. I'm—I mean, we're—all just assistants. Our mother is the one who came up with it," I quickly covered. I couldn't believe how amazingly quick my lying skills were. If this actually worked out, maybe I should become an actress.
"Can I talk to her?" Al asked.
"She's out of town!" Ricky jumped in. He gave me a "way to go" look that may or may not have been sarcastic. "For the next week. Sorry."
Al looked from Ricky to me and back. "I see..." he said, sounding a little disappointed. I felt a wave of guilt for some reason.
"Some things are not meant to be known," Cassie suddenly announced, sounding like some mystical monk. When we all stared at her, she tugged on one of her curls and then said, "I'm hungry. Can we eat?"
"Uh...sure..." I said slowly, a little lost.
Cassie happily headed to the kitchen, having apparently forgotten the presence of a wounded, homicidal Homunculus locked in our guest bathroom. Sometimes, being six sounds like a dream. I followed her, slowly readjusting my brain to "make lunch". It was difficult, considering we had to pass through the war zone formerly known as our living room.
Ricky caught up to me. "What do we do?" he asked in a low voice. "How do we keep Al from asking more questions?"
"You're asking me?" I shot back. "This is all your doing, remember? Why don't you figure it out?" I was, admittedly, a little mad at him.
Ricky looked hurt, so I turned away and stalked into the kitchen. Cassie held up the ingredients for ham and cheese sandwiches, and I took them over to the counter and started opening containers.
Behind me, I heard the sounds of Ricky and Cassie planting themselves on the high stools at the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. Then, that familiar sound of Al's metal feet hitting the floor as he entered the kitchen.
"Where should Al sit?" Cassie piped up. There were only two chairs at the breakfast bar.
"I'll just sit here," Al said. It sounded like he pulled a chair out from under the dining room table.
"Oh, I almost forgot. Mommy says I'm supposed to use please and thank you, so thank you for saving me from Envy," Cassie said.
"Oh, of course!" Al said. Then, "If you don't mind me asking, why was he attacking you in the first place?"
"He probably wants to go home," Cassie commented.
I, who was on my third sandwich, stiffened.
"Why did you transport him here anyway? He's dangerous," Al said.
"Uh, well—" Ricky stalled.
I piled the five sandwiches I had made onto one plate and carried it over to the breakfast bar. "Eat and be merry," I said, plunking the plate down in front of my siblings. Then, turning to Al, I said, "Ricky's a stupid teenager, so of course he'd do something reckless like bring a Homunculus into our home." Ricky half-glared at me over the sandwich he was devouring.
"That reminds me..." Al said, and I tensed in anticipation of more difficult questions. "How do you guys know about Homunculi anyway?"
"Uh, we read a lot," I hedged.
"Well, sure, but you guys seemed to know that's what Envy is. You weren't surprised?" Al asked.
"Uh...sure we were! Nobody believes in Homunculi! Ahahaha!" I laughed nervously, my laugh sounding half-hysterical and half-evil.
If Al could have raised an eyebrow at me, he probably would have done so then.
"It was just a big mistake," Ricky spoke up. "I wanted to prove Homunculi were real, so I transported one here." He shot me a look, to remind me to go along with his story. I rolled my eyes in response. I'd been the one making things up on the spot here; he didn't have to tell me that.
"Hmm," Al said.
There were a few moments' silence as Ricky, Cassie and I ate our sandwiches, and Al apparently considered the bouquet of lies we'd presented him.
"Well, I guess I couldn't wait around for your mother to come back and ask her about your alchemy, so maybe I should just see about getting myself home. Do you have a telephone I can use?" Al finally asked.
Ricky and I both choked on our sandwiches. Cassie gave us a look as though she was concerned about our physical and mental health at the same time. Ricky recovered first, beating his chest with a fist. "Um, I don't think that'll really work," he wheezed.
"What do you mean? You don't have a phone?" Al said.
"Well, yeah—I mean, no. I mean...it's just, uh..."
"We haven't paid our phone bill," I managed.
"Yeah! Because we...used all our money on alchemy research!" Ricky exclaimed. Occasionally he thinks quickly.
I got up to get a drink of water, still coughing a little. "Oh," Al said, sounding surprised. "You guys must be really dedicated then."
"Yeah, that's us," Ricky said cheerfully.
"Well, I have to get in touch with my brother somehow. Do you guys know where I could find a phone booth?" Al asked as he stood up.
"Don't leave the house!" Ricky yelled suddenly, almost making me drop my water.
Al started also. "But...why?"
"He just means that we'll transport you back is all," I quickly jumped in, "so don't go wandering off, okay?"
Slowly, Al sat back down, but I had the feeling that the blank look he gave us was filled to the brim with suspicion. "Okay..." he said, in that I-bet-you-freaks-are-hiding-something-but-for-now-I'll-pretend-I-don't-notice tone.
And then, at the worst possible moment in the history of anything ever, the phone rang.
Everyone froze. Al's head slowly turned to me and Ricky. Cassie even stopped chewing, sensing the tension.
"…I'll get it," I finally said. I made a break for it out of the kitchen, wanting to escape Al's no doubt accusing glare. I snatched the wall phone off its hook before it rang for the fourth time. "Hello?"
"Hey, Joey, it's me. Just got off the plane."
"Oh, hi, Mom," I said, glancing quickly at my wristwatch. It was almost five o'clock. Where had the time gone?
Everyone in the kitchen perked up when I revealed it was Mom. I gripped the receiver with both hands and turned my back to them all. "I know you're probably thinking I'm being a worrywart, but I just wanted to check on you guys," Mom was saying.
"Oh, uh, no. You're not a worrywart. We're all fine—in fact, we're eating a nice hearty meal right now," I said.
"Good. Did you get Cassie from school on time?"
"Yep," I lied.
"That's my girl." I could hear the smile in Mom's voice, and my insides clenched guiltily. "I know you remember the rules, so I won't quote them again. Just make sure you keep your brother and sister out of trouble."
"Oh, definitely," I lied again, pretending I didn't notice the chaos around me.
There was a tug on my shirt, and I looked down to see Cassie at my side. As if on cue, Mom said, "Now could you put Cassie on the phone? She probably misses me already."
"Uh, sure, no problem." I covered the phone with my hand, and gave Cassie an urgent look. "Okay, listen, Cass, when you talk to Mom, don't say anything to her about this, okay? We don't want her getting all upset."
"Okay," Cassie said, reaching for the phone. I let her take it, hoping she would listen to me.
"Mommy?" Cassie said into the phone. She listened, then smiled. "Yes, Mommy. Joey picked me up on time."
Bribing children with Starbucks is a totally good thing.
"Okay. Okay, I won't. I will, Mommy. I always clean my room. Okay. Yes, Mommy."
So far, so good. Ricky had joined us now, and I gave him a thumbs-up.
"Okay. Um…does it cost a lot of money to fix broken things?"
My thumb dropped so fast it was practically a world record.
"'Why'? Well…" Cassie paused, looking up at me. I quickly took the phone from her. "Mom? She's just saying that because Natasha's mom broke a chair or something," I lied again.
"Hmm…" Mom said.
I gulped. She said that when she wasn't buying one of my latest stories.
"Let me talk to Ricky," she said.
Oh crap. I handed the phone off to Ricky, giving him a "watch what you say" glare. He rolled his eyes at me as he took the phone. "Hello? No, Mom, everything's cool. Listen, I can tell you what happened. Cassie was playing at her friend Natasha's house, and—well, yeah. No, everything's cool here, Mom, honest."
Tromp. Tromp. Tromp.
I turned around to find Al walking up to us. Just what we needed: two people questioning us at once. On his way over, though, his foot accidentally hit a bent and partially broken lamp stand, which then fell over with a loud clatter and became entirely broken.
"Huh? 'What was that'? Just the TV. We're watching TV with dinner. Oh, uh…you didn't hear it because Joey muted it to answer the phone," Ricky quickly covered.
I rubbed my temples. This was spiraling out of control.
"I thought you said your phone wasn't working?" Al said, sounding suspicious again.
"Well, uh…" I stalled, trying to come up with a plausible answer.
"Yeah, no problem, Mom." Ricky turned to me, holding out the phone. "Here."
I took it, turning away from Al again. "Mom?"
"No TV with dinner, okay? You guys can have some stimulating conversation."
"Uh…sure," I agreed.
"Oh, there's a taxi. I'll call you guys tomorrow, all right? Be good!"
"We will. Bye, Mom." With relief, I hung the phone back up and turned.
Al now had his arms crossed. "I think you have some explaining to do," he said.
Cassie, sensing possible yelling, hid behind my side. Ricky and I exchanged a glance, and both of us gulped in unison.
"Why did you lie about your phone? Why is it you don't want me contacting Brother?" His voice was stern.
"W-Well…" I started, stalling for time to come up with something.
"In fact, there are a lot of strange things going on here. Some of those appliances don't look right. And that oven you guys have—Winry was working on the protoype herself, but she hasn't released it to the public yet," Al went on.
"Well, all great inventors have someone else working on the same thing. The ones in the history books are just the ones who got to the patent office first," Ricky said defiantly.
"Fine. That still doesn't explain why you're trying to keep me here. I really don't want to hurt any of you, but if you're trying to keep me away from Brother…" Al said warningly.
"No! No, it's nothing like that! Believe me, we want to reunite you with your brother and your friends as much as you do, and get that psycho Homunculus out of our house," I insisted.
"Then why did you lie?" Al demanded.
"Wel—because—um—" I stammered. My mind had run out of lies.
"It's just—the circumstances are difficult to explain," Ricky squeaked.
"Well try!" Al snapped.
We both jumped, not used to hearing an angry tone from nice, polite Al. He must be really mad at us. I could feel my don't-you-yell-at-me-you-bastard tears wanting to form, but I ignored them.
And then, Cassie ducked under my arm and stood in front of us, arms spread out to the side as if shielding us from an onslaught of bullets. "Don't yell at Joey and Ricky, you meany!" she shouted up at Al.
Al seemed startled, his crossed arms dropping.
I wanted to give Cassie a million dollars for standing up to us. "It's okay, Cassie," I said instead, putting my hands on her shoulders.
Cassie pulled away, angry at Al. "You leave them alone! I'll show you!" She went around him and raced into the living room.
We all stared after her. I turned back to Al. "Look," I said, "I'm sorry that we lied to you. A lot. But we can't tell you what's really going on. It's totally insane, you'd never believe us, and it's probably just a bad idea. So, again, sorry for the lying, but it would really help if you didn't ask a bunch of questions and just let us send you back, okay?" I hoped my honesty and pleading would do the trick and get him off our backs.
Al examined me, then sighed. "You could have said that from the beginning," he said.
"But we'd have sounded crazy, right?" Ricky jumped in.
"We just wanted to avoid…well, this, you asking questions and us stammering like morons," I added.
"Well, I guess, but at the rate you guys were going, you should have known something would trip you up. Keeping up a bunch of lies is really difficult," Al lectured.
I felt like a preschooler caught with my hand in the cookie jar. And my pants down. "Yeah, we know," I said abruptly. "Look, can we just start over? We promise we'll get you back home with your brother as soon as we can, okay?"
Al thought for a moment. I shot a glance at Ricky, who looked nervous.
"All right. But no more lying, okay? Just be honest if you're having a hard time explaining something," Al said.
"That's probably going to happen a lot," Ricky grumbled.
I elbowed him.
"So…was all of it a lie? It's not really a new alchemy you guys used?" Al asked.
I felt guilty. "Um…no, sorry. There's no good way to explain it, so I thought I'd use a term you'd be familiar with."
"Oh," Al said, sounding disappointed. I figured it was because he missed out on learning something new about alchemy, and felt even worse.
Cassie finally came back at that point. I turned to her. "Well, let's go finish lu—" and completely choked when I realized she was holding the laptop.
"Cass? What did you do?" Ricky said in his Armageddon tone.
Cassie's lower lip poked out stubbornly.
"Did you summon somebody?" I questioned her in my Mom tone.
"Yes," she pouted.
"Who?" Ricky and I demanded in our respective tones.
Cassie pointed at Al. "It's his fault for yelling," she insisted.
"My fault?" Al repeated, sounding confused.
Ricky looked confused too, but I got it. And my face must have been pale and fearful, because Ricky rounded on me. "What? What is it?" he demanded.
"We've gotta reverse it! Can we reverse it?" I yelled at him instead.
"What? No, no, once it starts it has to finish. She said so," Ricky said. I assumed that "she" was that bitch EdwardsWife, whom I intended to hunt down and punch in the throat. After I'd murdered Ricky, of course.
"Oh, God," I groaned, sinking down to sit crosslegged on the floor. Like a trained cat, Cassie came over and sat next to me, putting her head on my leg. I took the laptop from her, feeling a desire to throw it at somebody, but instead closed it.
"What? What?" Ricky said, sounding exasperated.
"Cassie, when did you even learn to use the stupid chain letter?" I asked.
"Ricky showed me," Cassie said, looking at me upside down.
"Oh, yeah, I did," Ricky said, sounding as if he were just remembering.
I shot him a death glare. "Do you know I now have eight reasons to kill you?" I growled at him.
"Um, what exactly is going on?" Al asked.
Before I could look up to tell him, the power went out.
"Damn. Here he comes," I sighed.
Ricky finally seemed to get it, because his face looked like a mixture of excitement and concern. "You mean—"
"Don't get all fanboy happy, all right? He's probably going to start hitting people," I snapped.
"He's not that volatile," Ricky said.
"Yeah, well, there's at least going to be a lot of yelling, and 'what the hell's, and so on."
"Wait…are you guys talking about Brother?" Al asked.
"Yeah," Ricky and I said in unison.
Then, the air next to us started to shimmer. We all stared, me fascinated at actually seeing a summoning firsthand, but also dreading the aftermath. A blurry shape appeared in the shimmering air, and we could already see the distinctive red and black. Cassie sat up.
"Brother!" Al exclaimed.
The shimmering air stilled, and before us stood the figure of the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric, holding a plate of food and looking very confused.
God, I know I haven't paid you a lot of attention lately, but please, let my family survive today. I'd really appreciate it. If we're all alive later I promise I'll start tithing or something, okay?
"What the…hell?" were Edward's first words.
Chizi: If that's not a cliffhanger, I don't know what is!
Zilo: Obviously you haven't read any of my other fics, then.
Chizi: Oh yeah...you're addicted to those, aren't you?
Zilo: (nods)
Chizi: Well, see you all next time!