I have no comment...
"Wow, I still can't believe Zelda and Samus are a couple," Roy said to Falcon as they sat together in the cafeteria. They had finally recovered after the nosebleed debacle. "How does it feel knowing that you struck out so badly that two of your crushes ended up hooking up with each other?"
Captain Falcon groaned. "Dude, not funny. Man, you're supposed to be helping me out here, but so far you still haven't gotten me a girlfriend. In fact, I'm still getting sent to the infirmary at about the same rate as before I enlisted your help. I'm starting to think you have no idea what you are doing." Roy grabbed one of Falcon's cookies. "C'mon not the chocolate chip cookie. I need something to cheer me up, especially since I now owe Pikachu and Peach 100,000 smash credits each. I don't want to become Pikachu's bitch, it'll ruin whatever dignity I have left."
"Quit you whining, "reprimanded Roy. "I know what I'm doing. In fact, I've figured out a way to for you to get a date with Peach. We are going to stage a kidnapping."
"Stage a kidnapping? I don't like the sound of that."
"No, just hear me out. Whenever Mario rescues Peach after Bowser kidnaps her, what does he get? A kiss right? Therefore if we have someone pretend to kidnap her and then you come in and rescue her, she'll give you a kiss. You can then turn that kiss into a date if you play your cards right. The only problem right now is that I need to find someone who is willing to pretend to kidnap her."
"Can't we just ask Bowser?"
"No, Bowser is too intimidating. Besides, he does it so often that I'm sure Mario probably has tabs on him at this point. I don't want Mario to interfere. I have someone else in mind."
"You want me to do what?" Fox exclaimed. Roy and Captain Falcon were now at the shooting range. "Let me guess this straight, you want me to kidnap Peach? Why ask me? I'm not even a villain. Why don't you ask Bowser or Ganondorf or something? Look, you guys shouldn't even be here. Falco is going to be here any minute."
"Well, you are a fox," Captain Falcon said. "Isn't that what animals do?"
"No! Besides, why would I want to kidnap Peach? I already have a girlfriend. If you wanted a villainous animal, you should be asking Wolf. Too bad he is still in the hospital."
"What happened to Wolf?" asked Roy.
"The Samus-Zelda makeout session affected him especially hard. Despite being a yuri otaku, Wolf's body was not ready. He is still out cold from all the blood loss. Dr. Mario gives him daily blood transfusions to keep him alive. Ah well he got what he deserved. Yaoi is way more superior. It's too bad that idiot never saw the light."
"Wait a second, don't tell me you guys are rivals because of what type of manga you enjoy? And how did you get knocked out then by their kiss? "
"Precisely the reason. Falco also enjoys yaoi. We actually first met over our mutual love for yaoi. As for Samus and Zelda's kiss, it was still hot. So sue me. Falco also got knocked out as well. Speak of the devil, Falco is coming, get out of here before you guys get me in trouble again. Oh no, it's too late."
"Fox, I can't leave you out of my sight for a second can I?" Falco angrily yelled. "What happened to our bromance? First Krystal and now I see you with Roy and Captain Falcon again. I had a bromantic afternoon all planned out and I see you trying to arrange a threesome without me. We are suppose to be bros." He now turned to look at Roy and Falcon. "And you two home wreckers. I don't want to see you two near my Fox."
"Falco, I've told you. We are still bros and for the last time, Krystal is my girlfriend. I have to spend time with her."
"Bros before hoes!"
"Let's get out here," Roy whispered to Captain Falcon. The two men left the shooting range, leaving Fox and Falco to work out their awkward relationship.
"It took some arranging, but I found someone willing to pretend to kidnap Peach for us." It was lunchtime and Roy and Falcon were sitting together again. "I really hope this works. If you make Peach your girlfriend, that means you'd win all the smash credits everyone bet on Mario. You can pay off both our debts to Pikachu."
"Who did you get? "Falcon asked.
"Ike agreed to do it under the condition that his debt to Pikachu also gets paid off. I think he still feels partially responsible for sending you to the hospital when the weight fell on you. Now here is the plan: Peach has her teatime at 2 pm. Ike will intercept her on her way and make his way towards the garden. You'll camp there. The second Ike shows up with the princess in tow, you jump out, spout some cheesy lines and then falcon punch him away. Peach will reward her savior aka you with a kiss. She'll be so impressed with what you've done that when you ask her out on a date afterwards, she'll say yes. I'll be hiding in a bush and will take a picture of the kiss which'll be enough proof for you to get your bet winnings. Then we'll all be free from Pikachu's tyrannical reign, you'll have a girlfriend, Ike's conscious will be cleared, and I'll have a fresh pair of panties to sniff."
"What was that last part? Is that what you wanted to do with the panties? I thought you just wanted them for some sort of collection or something."
"Never mind," Roy quickly stammered. "Are you on board?"
"Hm... I'm not quite sure Ike is princess kidnapper material. I mean if I beat him up, that isn't going to be anything impressive. He is just another human. I mean Mario rescues her from Bowser, who is like three times his size. Couldn't you get Ganondorf or something? He's pretty intimidating."
"I tried to get him, but when it comes to princess kidnapping, he is monogamous. Besides, he is afraid Samus will come and kick his ass. Ike is the only guy I got. Besides, he is pretty jacked, still looks good if you beat him."
"Alright then. Give me ten minutes to practice some lines in front of my mirror and then I'll be waiting in the garden for your cue."
"Eek, help me," Peach cried out as she was suddenly grabbed. She was on her way to her weekly teatime when next thing she knew, she was lifted upon a set of burly shoulders and going the complete opposite way. "Let me down! Ike what are you doing?"
"Sorry princess. Some people will do anything for money. In my case, it's kidnapping." Ike continue to run towards the garden. As he neared the garden he yelled, " Once we are in the garden, I'm going to give you the spanking of your life." Ordinarily Ike would never say anything so lewd in public, but that was the verbal cue to Falcon that he and Roy had agreed upon. "Man the things I'd do for money..."
Meanwhile Captain Falcon was waiting in the garden practicing his push-ups. As he lowered his body to complete his set, he heard Ike's proclamation. That was the cue. He got up, popped a breath mint in his mouth and pulled out his handheld mirror to make sure he looked his very best. Satisfied with what he saw, Captain Falcon adjusted his outfit and prepared his game winning smile. It was ShowTime! As Ike charged his way into the garden, Captain Falcon leapt up into the air and shouted, "How dare you threaten the lady with a spanking you pervert! Prepare to taste the wrath of my sexy man legs!" He came down with his falcon kick intending on knocking out Ike. Unfortunately for the Captain, he miscalculated the timing and location. Instead of nailing Ike on the head, his falcon kick landed on Peach's bottom knocking her out of Ike's grasp. Captain Falcon turned to Ike, "You idiot, you screwed up the entire plan."
Ike yelled back, "Hey, I did what I was told. I grabbed the princess, ran to the garden, spouted some embarrassing stuff and let myself get hit by you. I can't help it if your aim sucks."
"I know for a fact you intentionally sidestepped at the last second to make me look like a fool. I'm going to pound you."
"Prepare yourself." Ike lifted his great sword, intent on chopping off Falcon's balls and ending this game. If he hurried, he could still make it in time for My Little Pony. However both fighters were so preoccupied with each that neither noticed an impending shadow over them. "Who dares to kidnap Peach in my presence," roared Bowser as he bowser bombed his way towards the two fighters." He landed on Ike with a mighty thud, the impact of his fall also sending Captain Falcon back. "Captain Falcon, why am I not surprised?"
"Wait, it's not what it looks like. I didn't kidnap Peach. It was all Ike. I was trying to rescue her."
"Bowser?" Peach inquired. "What are you doing here?"
"No one gets to kidnap you but me! Now was Captain Douchebag here responsible for this? Don't worry, I'll roast him to a crisp." Bowser opened his mouth, preparing his mighty fire breath.
"Wait," exclaimed Roy as he jumped out of his hiding spot. "I can explain. I had Ike pretend to kidnap so that Captain Falcon could impress Peach by rescuing her. I didn't expect a fight to break out or anything. Besides, don't you kidnap Peach because you like her."
"No. I'm actually married," replied Bowser. "In fact I have eight kids. I only kidnap Peach just so my wife thinks I'm not a pansy who doesn't try to expand his kingdom and take action. Then I let Mario comes in, rescue the princess and I get my slice of Peach's cake. I get beat up, but at least my wife thinks I'm trying and I get to eat that delicious cake. All I really want to do is just chill in my kingdom and watch TV."
"And I agreed to be kidnapped to get Mario's attention," Peach added in. "If I don't get kidnapped, then Mario would never pay any attention to me. I then reward with a kiss hoping he'd take the bait and ask me out, but he still hasn't had the courage to ask me out yet."
"Wait, so all the kidnappings are just publicity stunts just so you can get cake?" asked Roy. Bowser and Peach both nodded. Just then Mario arrived on the scene. " It's A Me A Mario! Did Bowser you kidnap the princess again? Don't worry Peach I'll save you." Bowser sighed as he let Mario's fist collide with his face sending him flying out of the garden. As he was sent flying, Bowser gave Peach a discrete thumbs up. Peach giggled and winked back. Mario cleared his throat, "Princess, it is time for my kiss." Peach bent down to give Mario a kiss on his nose, but was instead met with Mario's lips. "Princess, after seeing Zelda and Samus affirm their feelings for each other, I realized that I too needed to be brave and admit my feelings. Will you go on a date with me?"
"Absolutely," replied Peach. She gave Mario another kiss.
"NOOOOOOOO!" exclaimed Captain Falcon. "I've officially struck out!" After this realization, he blacked out.
"Well, you're finally up again," Roy said to Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon was resting on the hospital bed. "Looks like all three ladies are officially taken. Captain Falcon groaned. "Don't worry, I come bearing some good news. Master Hand has released the full roster for the next tournament."
"So what? He'll just put in like one or two more ladies who'll just flat out reject me. I'm a loser. I might as well change my name to Captain Failure."
"Don't say that. I'll get you a girl or I'll die trying. I swear. There is going to be six ladies for you to woo. You will get one. I believe."
"Six girls huh... alright I'm in. Let's go figure out a plan."