Rick spent the night reading through the handbook, recognizing Lori's handwriting in the margins of certain pages.
The book could have been written about his own life.
Snippets of the past twenty years of his life flashed in his mind. He thought about how, no matter how much he didn't want to, he became his father.
He thought about the little arguments he'd have with Lori. The time she bought the wrong kind of ground beef for her home made spaghetti sauce. She wanted to keep him healthy and bought the lower fat content, not the kind he wanted. Not only did he refuse to eat the meal, but he didn't even join his family at the table, opting for a delivered pizza in the living room.
"If you knew I was such a mess, why'd you ever marry me?"
"Because I loved you. From the second I met you, I loved you."
When Carl was a baby she brought up the possibility of going back to school to get her Master's degree. She thought that by the time she graduates, Carl would be in preschool and she could try to get a job teaching in the same school.
"Why would you even think of that?" He scolded. "You can't even take care of basic housework around here, so you're obviously not cut out for doing more than one thing at a time. You'll never last through the program, and we're not wasting our money on that."
He walked out of the room, ignoring the sound of her quiet sobs. The next time he said a word to her was one week later, and he started the conversation with "what's for dinner?"
He thought about the later years, all the times she came to him with a problem or something she wanted to talk about. He'd sit and listen, and would rarely give his input. She'd ask, then almost beg for him to say something. When he didn't, she'd start to yell to try to get any kind of response. He'd usually leave the room or go outside for a walk, only to return to see her sitting on the couch with her face in her hands, sobbing. Just the way his mother would.
Rick was shaken out of his trance when he heard noises in the kitchen. He pulled back the covers, draped his legs over the side of the mattress, and ran his hand through his hair. He wanted to open his eyes and have everything over the past few years be nothing more than a horrific dream.
What the hell have I done?
Lori spent another sleepless night staring at the ceiling, wiping away the constant flow of tears that took over her emotions. She thought about her marriage, and wondered if falling in love with Rick while they were in high school was nothing more than a crush.
They were "high school sweethearts." Maybe that term was overrated. Maybe if they just dated for a while, the flame fizzled out, and they each moved on, her life would be different. But there was something about him that held onto her heart.
She often wondered, even throughout her marriage, if they married too young. She was so taken by the tall, blue eyed handsome guy who seemed to like her. Even though petty arguments would result in him not talking to her at school or calling her at night, she thought everything would be okay again when he would act normally again.
Over the years she knew he was turning into his father. The senior Grimes would always intimidate her, and she'd see the fear in her mother-in-law's eyes. She never thought she'd turn into the woman. Lori's own mother taught her to be a strong, independent woman, and she often thought if it would have been better for Carl if they divorced.
Maybe she would have remarried and had what she would consider a "normal" marriage, maybe she would have stayed happily single. Maybe being away from Rick would have woken him up to the fact that he can't treat people the way he did.
She knew there was nothing worse than trying to hold on to a broken marriage. The pain of being ignored by the one person she loved was all-consuming. The anguish was turned into white hot rage when she thought how Rick manipulated Carl and encouraged him to treat her the same way. One passage from the book stuck in her mind. "Your teeth are clenched, your heart starts pounding, your stomach is churning," she describes. "Your body is telling you that something is wrong. Every time you try to have a conversation like normal people do to resolve a problem or a conflict, it always becomes an attack on you."
Her son came back to her. Her baby boy. What kind of future will he have now? Maybe they should have let him go at the farm. Maybe they should have opted out at the CDC. Now, Rick has lost his right hand and Carl is totally blind. How can they defend themselves in this world?
When the early morning light started to filter through the window, Lori sat on the edge of the bed, just looking at the two rings that adorned her ring finger. He gave them back.
Instinctively her fingers found the necklace that was draped around her neck. She smiled when he put it around her neck, clasping it shut. Her wedding dress joined his tuxedo, a combined lump on the floor as the two lay naked in bed. The champagne was still cold, and her thank you turned into another breathtaking moment of intimacy.
In the years since that wedding night, she removed it only twice. Once during that night she wanted to forget, and the previous day, when she wanted to send a message. Just like the bands on her finger, she felt complete when they were back.
She splashed water on her face, hoping to wash away the tears that stained her cheeks.
After checking on Judy and Carl, both still peacefully asleep, she went to the kitchen and filled the tea kettle, hoping to make it through another day.
The once happily married couple sat together in cold silence.
Lori finished her pancakes, and gently placed her fork on the plate. She sipped her tepid tea without breaking her stare at her plate.
Rick was trying to think about what to say. He wanted to put the pieces back together. He needed her in his life. He wanted to be the husband and father his own never was.
She was gently started when he spoke the first words.
"I read the book. And your notes. I don't think I'll ever be able to apologize enough. I wasn't the man you needed. I wasn't the husband and father I should have been. Last night I thought about how I treated you, not just these past few years but since I've known you. I had this feeling. It took me a while to remember what it was because I haven't felt it since before I woke up in that hospital bed. I love you, Lori. I always have. I never stopped. I want to put the pieces back together. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I should have listened. I hate my father for making me think the way what I did was normal. I know Judy's mine. Even after everything I did you still named her after my mother. There so much I want to tell you. I want to take so much back. All the years just, wasted. I was a damn fool. I'm sorry. I can't make up for what happened but I want to make things right."
He stood and took a few steps over to where she was sitting, knelt down and folded her into his arms. They each succumbed to the emotions they kept well-hidden as they cried onto each other's shoulders.
xxxxx
Lori placed a plate in front of Carl, giving him the usual tips. "Pancakes at noon. Syrup already poured."
"Thanks, mom."
"You're welcome, baby."
She turned to hear Judy's whimpering. The toddler was clearly uncomfortable in her father's arms. As he brought his daughter to his wife the girl leaned forward and reached for the comfortable safety of her mother.
"It's gonna take a little while." She whispered to Rick, visibly distraught over his daughter's rejection.
He stood behind his wife as she secured the girl in her high chair, and when she turned around Rick grabbed onto Lori, pressing his mouth onto hers.
"What's going on?" Carl asked, when he knew his dad wasn't sitting next to him.
"Everything's fine, bud." Rick said, before stealing another kiss. He sat next to his son and kept an eye on him while he was eating.
"Carl, bud. You're mom and I need to tell you something." He said, smiling as the two met each other's gaze.
Their son's shoulders slightly slumped forward as he asked, with a shaky voice, "you're getting divorced?"
"No. No. Not at all." Rick said, reaching over with his hand and gently holding his son's arm. Lori came forward and kissed her boy's head and told him everything will be different now.
"Honey, what your dad is saying is that we're gonna get back together."
"Really?" He asked in surprise.
"Yeah. Son, I have to apologize to you. I've been thinking about pop-pop and how I was raised, and how I taught you to treat your mom. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I love your mom. I always have, and I made a huge mistake. I have a lot of work to do to make it right. But I want to be a family again."
Rosita was happy to watch Judy and Carl while their parents were across the street talking to Aaron. Before being a scout for Alexandria, searching for fighters to help the community survive, he was a high school guidance counselor. It was the closest to a psychologist they had. The two sat together, Lori's arm wrapped around Rick's lower back.
"My dad was a jackass. He'd say real mean things to my mom or flat out ignore her for days and weeks at a time. She'd be crying for him to talk to her, and he thought it was a game. Like, he could smile and be nice to her one day then not say anything for weeks. They never divorced, but they should have."
"The worst thing was when he would just ignore me. I'd do something wrong, or what he thought was wrong, and he wouldn't talk to me for months." He paused to wipe the tears from his eyes.
"Later, when I was at the police academy, I learned about emotional abuse. It was a checklist. If they can easily cut you off and pretend you don't exist. If they only want to be around you when you're happy and they get a personal benefit. If they always ignore you when you need them. If they never apologize and if they're not sorry for things they do that hurt you, even little things, they don't care about you. If they always have to make up excuses for hurting you. If they don't put in effort unless they want something. If they try to make you feel guilty when you finally confront them. If they never worry about you or express concern. Check, check, check…"
"My mom was over at our home one night. She did something stupid, and two months went by without my dad saying a thing to her. She was sitting with Lori, and I thought it was all drama. It was all drama when I was growing up. She was my mom, and she was crying. I laughed when she said goodbye 'cuz I thought she was over-emotional. Then hours later me and Shane are at my dad's house with the paramedics. She put my dad's 22 in her mouth and pulled the trigger. She didn't leave a note. She was just gone. My brother lived in the bottle of whiskey until it took him. I wanted to do one of those intervention things but my dad said no, that it was his problem. I don't even know if my dad even came to visit me. I was in a coma, but I could hear everything. I could hear Lori asking me to wake up and she was holding my hand. She was crying but I couldn't do anything. I could hear Shane's voice and the usual doctors, but I didn't hear my own father's. It was like he was mad at me for getting shot."
The strong façade that Rick tried to hold onto for years crumbled as he melted into the crook of Lori's arm. He felt a wave of grief so profound that his body started to tremble.
Aaron gently added, "Rick, you said your mom did something stupid. What did she do?"
Through deep sobs he responded, "I dunno. My dad just told me it was stupid."
"So, you were going off the words of the man who emotionally abused her. You didn't know what she did, just that it was stupid. Or what your father labeled as stupid."
The words hit Rick hard, causing him to weep harder. It wrecked his soul that his family was in a million pieces on the ground because of his actions.
"That was my mom. I never said goodbye."
Aaron added, "They would never admit it, but all abusers are dependent on their victims. They need to humiliate, put down and hurt someone on regular basis to prove to themselves that they're stronger, more powerful, and more confident than you are. If you were gone, they would feel pathetic, weak and worthless, and they sure run from that."
"So when everyone was gone the game was over?" Lori asked.
The younger man nodded.
After a few moments, Aaron asked Rick if he told Lori about what happened that horrible night.
Rick was in the bathroom with Lori, rubbing her back as she vomited the contents of her stomach into the toilet.
"I couldn't move. They held me back. I heard him scream, and there was nothing I could do. They covered my mouth and made me swallow it."
She knew the monster cut her son's eye out. She didn't know Rick was forced to eat it. The thought of her son and her husband being pushed that far was too much.