Chapter Four
Jacob hadn't questioned me about that after. A month passed, and I was slowly learning to trust Jacob. As we both knew I would. I had tried to fight it at first, but slowly, I started to give up on the fight I was never going to win. I could see that. So could Aaron.
Aaron could get into my head, just like I could get into his, he could hear my thoughts, and he could access my memories. The difference with Aaron was that he could only do this with me, and not anyone else. We think it's an identical twin thing. But the difference with Aaron is that he can't stop being in my head, like I can stop being in his, he just has to block me out, instead. When he was alive, he could jump, but since his 'death' he can't jump. We were surprised he kept this connection with me. It must have something to do with our brains, and not with our freakiness.
"So…" Jacob said as he pulled me out of our embrace. "What are we doing today? We have all day," He smiled flashing his teeth at me.
"I don't mind… what do you want to do?" I asked.
He shrugged, but we set off walking anyway. We walked in silence, down to First Beach. Once we had gotten there, we stood side by side, and looked out across the water.
He started again. "Can I ask you a question?" he asked.
"Sure, doesn't mean I will definitely answer it though." I replied warily.
He nodded, and hesitated, before deciding to ask anyway. "You always say that you know more about me than I think you do… What do you know?" he sounded curious.
I shook my head. "Can't tell you that."
"Yes you can, but you won't. Can you seriously tell me you don't trust me enough to tell me what you know about me?" he asked, and sounded slightly appalled.
"I trust you more than I ever imagined I would let myself," I told him truthfully. "It's how I know, that I don't know if I can tell you."
"So you don't trust me enough to tell me your secret?"
"Ironic isn't it? I know your secret, yet you haven't trusted me with it, and I wont tell you mine, in case I can't trust you." I finished.
"Ironic wasn't the word I would use. Annoying is though."
I looked out over to James Island. I smiled. It must be nice there, no inhabitants, just animals. He watched me for a while. "If you won't tell me that, will you tell me some more about you?" he asked.
I groaned.
"You know a lot about me, I willingly told you, hoping that, if I trusted you, you would trust me in return. Please. If you don't want to answer something, we'll move on." He continued with hope.
"Okay." I agreed. "Just be ready to move on quickly," I added.
He took a deep breath. "You had a twin brother?" He was more verifying that than asking the question. I nodded and he moved on. "Identical?" He asked. I nodded again. "But he died?" he asked.
"Sort of," I answered, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Sort of?" he asked me.
I nodded, and then said. "I don't lie Jacob. But I can't always tell you the complete truth. I find my way around things, not lying, but not explaining either."
He seemed happy with that. "Tell me about him." He said.
"About Aaron?" I asked, slightly confused. He nodded once and looked at my face. "Well, I trust him completely, more than anyone, more than myself… He knows that, and he understands why. He has done so much for me. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be alive today." I paused and glanced sideways at Jacobs face. It didn't change in the slightest. "He is the only person that knows me inside out. And I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him. I need him. But now I feel like he's slowly slipping away from me. And it's killing me." The desperation in my voice was obvious. But I couldn't control it.
Jacob nodded seeing that I was unwilling to say anymore about him at this point. He waited for a while, thinking. But then he said, "This may be out of line, but your scars, how did you get them?" That caught me by surprise. Jacob could see the look of shock, fear and awareness on my face. I looked over at him, trying to decide what I should say to him.
"You don't have to tell me…," he rushed over his words in an attempt to reassure me. "I can see I've just crossed some unspoken line you have. I'm sorry for that."
And that was what made me decide I would tell him the truth. I took a deep breath, and he knew I would tell him now. "One of my secrets…" I smiled, but it didn't touch my eyes. "It's hard to talk about. I need you to be patient with me." I looked at him warily.
He nodded then, sat down and pulled me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, very conscious of where he was holding me. "Is this okay?" he asked. Just as I was about to say yes, his hand fell onto another scar on my body. I froze in my place again, something Jacob was becoming used to. He immediately went stiff too. "What?" He asked. His voice seemed to pull me away from my fear. I breathed deeply, and slowly moved my hand to lift his. He looked down as I did so, and as I lifted my shirt a little bit more, he saw another of my countless scars. "Sorry." He whispered, and immediately moved his hand. "Better?"
I nodded, and looked up at him. He looked straight back at me. I took another deep breath; I was about to retell a story I had tried so hard to forget. "About two years ago, we lived in Italy. I have family there; I'm part Italian, part Greek, part Spanish and part English. That why my accent is American mixed with English." I waited for him to take that in, and he nodded. "My uncle abused me. Violently…" I paused. The look on his face would have scared me, but I knew all he felt now was protective of me. "Sexually," I continued, "And verbally."
I took another deep breath. "He used knifes and other blades… He cut me in places people wouldn't see. The tops of my thighs," I indicated on my thighs where. "The bottom of my back, my sides, and the front of my pelvis bone." I showed him where they were, obviously not moving my clothes. "He tried to rape me." I stopped; I had to pull myself together before I could go on. All this time I hadn't taken my eyes off of Jacob, and apart from when I was showing him where I had scars; he didn't take his eyes from mine.
"That's when Aaron interfered. I'd made him promise to stay out of it. But he would never and could never let our uncle do that to me. We went to the police after that. He got put away, but because they didn't have enough evidence, they only gave him four years. He's done a year and a half now. And he can get half a year off for good behavior… When he went, he promised me that when he got out, he would find me, and I would pay for sending him to jail."
Jacobs face was purely protective and anger. He waited for me to finish. He could tell it wasn't over yet. "After it was over… I went into depression mode. I became severely depressed. I self harmed." I held up my wrists to show him, and pulled back my jacket and bracelet. Shock hit his face then, but it didn't remain there. "And I tried killing myself. But Aaron stopped me. He told me to think about our parents. He said that if that wasn't enough to stop me, then I had to think about him, he couldn't live without me, just as I couldn't live without him. He said that our parents couldn't handle us both dying… And he was right. He pulled me away from the cliff edge. By this time we had come to America. California. I got better in about six months of the depression starting though, thanks to Aaron."
I looked at Jacob again. My story of the past two years wasn't over. That was only a year. He looked at me still. "How long has it been since you got better? He asked me.
"About half a year to a year now I think." I stopped there to think more before I started again. "I'm not completely sure, it's not like I just woke up one day and realized I was all good again," I smiled at that. "Not a time to joke." I added.
"So what could have been so bad that happened after that that made you move from California to here? He asked, curious and cautious.
I took another deep breath. "It was our birthday. 16 years old. We had had an amazing party. But my boyfriend at the time. Ashley. He was English, for him it was legal. He tried to… And I said no… And he wouldn't have it… Aaron came then too. He pretty much threw Ashley out of our house. I was upset. Ashley didn't know about my uncle. I hadn't told him. I didn't want anyone to know. I still don't." It was rushing out now. "I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I was really upset. And Aaron wanted to cheer me up. It was late at night, but that didn't matter to us, we could jump… and so we decided to go swimming. It did cheer me up… We were there, in the sea for about half an hour. Then it started to rain."
Realization dawned on Jacobs face, but now I was saying this, I couldn't stop. I had to continue. I had to tell him, I felt obligated to tell him. "We thought it was just going to be a shower. So we stayed. It started getting rough, so we decided to swim out. I thought he was behind me. And then I heard him call, I turned around but he wasn't in sight. I could hear him so clearly, he was under the water. He needed my help. I swam back to get him. I went underwater searching for him. It was a while until I found him. I dragged him back to the shore. I tried to get the water out of his lungs. It wasn't working. And then…" I stopped realizing that the rest of the story was something I couldn't tell him. Something he didn't know that I knew. I also wondered whether Jacob would catch onto the fact that I'd said Aaron was calling me, whilst being under water, and that we could jump.
"You can't tell me the rest?" he asked. I shook my head. I hadn't cried at this point. Something about Jacob's reaction to my story had stopped the tears. He nodded. "I wondered where your accent came from. I like it." He smiled at me.
I looked at him, He hadn't noticed what I had said about Aaron being under water or jumping... It was hard to believe that I had just told him all that. I'd worked so hard to keep it from him. From anyone. "I told you, you'd tell me." He smiled.
"I haven't told you everything," I whispered.
"I wish you would. I wish I knew what you knew about me." He pleaded. I shook my head. "Zara, I know you're going to find this unbelievable, but I need to know what you know." He looked down at me now, something new in his face. I couldn't tell what it is. "If you know my secret. Our secret… It's better if we knew… if you know more than we think you know…"
"I do know more than you think. But you're suspicious now. You don't know what I know. It's partially driving you insane. But partially, you like the fact that I might know the truth about you."
"How do you know that?" He asked incredulous. I just looked at him, "That's part of your secret isn't it?" he asked.
I nodded. "Please tell me what you know," he pleaded.
I looked at him for a second. Wondering whether it would change anything between us if he knew that I really did know his secret. I'd made up my mind though, a long time ago. He would find out, it just seemed closer than I thought it would have been. "I know what you are Jacob…" I looked at him. No surprise on his face. "I know what your friends are…"
"And what is that?" He asked me.
I looked at him. He knew I knew, I could tell that. "I have to be certain that we are on the same page. If I'm not, they could say I told you."
I nodded. "I know you and your friends are werewolves." I said it so quietly it could have been a whisper.
He nodded. "How?" he asked. "Or is that the secret you won't share with me?" he asked, and I just nodded. "It doesn't seem fair… You know my biggest secret, yet you won't tell me yours."
I sighed. "I'm a freak Jacob. You don't need to know." Part of me wished that was true, part of me wished he didn't need or want to know.
"You're wrong. I do need to know… And I want to know. You know that… Don't fight it anymore… Just tell me."
"It sounds so stupid when I have to explain it out loud… I can do things that normal humans can't." I looked at him and he looked confused. "Right now, you're not as hot as you should be. Whenever you're touching me, your temperature cools." He nodded. "I do that…" I let him think about that for a second. "I can move places in the time it takes people to blink. One second I can be sat here, then all I have to do is picture a place I want to be, any place in the world, and I will be there…" I paused again to let him think about that too. "I never get ill. I don't remember having so much as a cold. And I'm clever too. I know things I have never been taught, all I have to do is watch someone do something and I can do it too…" I paused again.
Wondering if I was freaking him out yet. He only looked curious. "And… I can sense things… Little things, like exactly when it is going to rain, or when my phone is going to ring. I can sense what people are feeling, but I don't feel their feelings. I can sense when people are with me and they're not supposed to be, or if someone is watching me." I stopped again. Still looking into his curious eyes. "And lastly, for now… I can get into people's heads. I can look at their memories, as if I were watching a film from their point of view. I can hear their thoughts. I don't like to though, it's wrong. It's too private. Ohh, and there's the fact that I can take peoples pain from them, and have it as my own."
I looked at him. I gave him a chance for all this to sink in. "When you said for now… what do you mean?" he asked me.
"Well as time goes on… I get new… Gifts. I have to learn to control these though. Sometimes I think that the gifts are inside of me already, just waiting for my use, but I'm not sure. My newest one, was being able to change the temperature of things, I think that's because I met you. It happened when I met you."
"We're having a council meeting later tonight. It's meant to be mostly about you. They will need to know this about you. It's better if it comes from you. Will you go with me?" He asked warily.
"Will that make you happy?" I asked him smiling.
"You already made me as happy as I'm ever going to be. You stitched me back up, for that I will always be grateful…" He paused wondering whether he should finish what he'd started to say. He decided to. "You probably already know this… Because of your… gift… But you're more than just a friend to me now Zara. You took my pain away; you've made me happier than I have ever been. The love I felt for Bella, is nothing in comparison to how I feel for you. I don't want to frighten you or scare you away by this. I can't ever lose you. But I wanted you to know, I wanted you to hear it from me, and not just sense it in me. You are a part of me now, Zara, a part that I never want to let go of. I'm sorry if you don't want it, but I'm giving you my heart. And I'm asking you not to break it again, now that you fixed it so well."
I was breath taken. What could I say to that? I felt the same way about him, but could I put that into words like he had? Could I admit it to him, when I found it so hard to admit it to myself? I breathed in deeply. Yes, I can, I have to. I Love Him.
"I want your heart Jacob, I won't break it, it's the most precious thing I own. I gave you my heart, silently a month ago, when I realized I was falling in love with you. I can't imagine my life without you anymore; I would have no purpose without you, and no reason to live."
He smiled at me then. The tenseness from his body faded. "I was so afraid you weren't going to say that." He breathed quietly.
"I was afraid I would never get the chance to," I whispered. "I love you Jacob Black"
He smiled "I love you too, Zara Ashton".
He kissed me then, gently. His lips pressed to mine, and my heart was beating wildly. My stomach doing millions of back flips and summersaults. He pulled away from me slightly and laughed quietly, "Your heartbeat," he whispered. And then it hit me, he could hear my heartbeat. He'd always been able to hear it. "You know, unless it's going wildly out of control… Our hearts beat at the same time." He smiled.
"Will you come to the council tonight then?" He asked me.
I nodded again.
And as my heart had returned to its normal self, he took my hand and placed it upon his heart. "Do you feel it?" He asked. I waited for a moment. And there it was, both out hearts beating in unison, as one.
I nodded breathlessly for a moment.
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