Derek Reece's death had facilitated changes in John's personality. Before he never carried a gun and always seemed afraid. Now though, well the change was quite noticeable. He seemed more resolute in his mission to stop judgement day from arriving. His constant fear seemed to have left him and his impulsivity in certain situations was causing stress between John and Sarah.

I understand as John's mother it is Sarah's instinct to protect him. But logically she must also understand that this change is a necessary step in John's evolution. He is becoming the man he was meant to be. The leader. He is quickly losing his boyhood. I think Sarah mourns for it. I think she wanted him to stay a child forever. People have such strange and foolish wishes.

Then again my wish, to be with Sarah in every way, to love her and have her love me, was that not foolish? Strange, possibly it would be to John if he knew of my feelings. Then again, maybe not, foolish definitely.

John has begun confiding in me more, and we discuss the future often. He likes when I tell him of my memories from that time. I think he actually hero worships himself now instead of his mother, father or even his uncle. His self-confidence is growing rapidly.

I watch a substantial amount of television. It helps me to assimilate the culture which is necessary in my quest to evolve and to 'fit in' to society. Almost every show that depicts a relationship between a parent and a teenager is fraught with tension and arguments. I'm finding this situation to be true in my personal life as well and it is unsettling.

John no longer talks to Sarah much and when he does he is contrary and sarcastic. Therefore Sarah is even more on the edge, if that is even possible, and since John gets along with me I have become the target of her animosity.

I am finding it difficult to deal with the tension between mother and son and I find myself leaving the house often to 'check the perimeter' but mostly just to enjoy the silence. I've come to realize I enjoy being alone when it is my choice to be but when it is forced upon me by Sarah's continued avoidance it causes me pain. Feelings are complex John once said to me. He was right.

When Sarah is amicable around me, which is not often, she never looks me in the eye. She used to all the time, like she was challenging me somehow. Now she seems to fear what she sees in my eyes. My eyes must show my obvious lust for her. It makes her..uncomfortable.

Since I've had so much free time I've become proficient in many different styles of dance and have now turned my attention to other hobbies of interest. I decided I would learn to cook. When I told John that I was learning to cook he gave me a quizzical look and asked me why. He's so much like his mother.

I smiled. I smile more now, it seems to put people at ease, all but Sarah anyway. And I reminded him how he often complained of Sarah's lack of cooking skills and he laughed boisterously in response and thanked me for 'saving his stomach'.

Sarah had taken John out to the nearby gun range at his request. They would be gone most of the afternoon. I decided to use the time wisely and create a meal for their eventual return. On their way out the door John paused and asked if I would like to go with them. I detected the tenseness in Sarah's posture immediately and politely told him "no thank you". Sarah's eyes flickered to mine for only a moment but I detected a hint of thanks in that look for not endeavoring to cause her more discomfort than was necessary.

When Sarah had watched me dance I had unknowingly revealed the true nature of my feelings towards her without realizing what kind of repercussions may occur and now I was living with those repercussions. I did not enjoy avoiding Sarah as she avoided me and yet I did it for her comfort. Before I would have placed myself in her presence regardless of how she felt but now that I understand Sarah and her feelings a bit better I try my best not to antagonize her, though my mere presence does that now.

I have been shot, beaten, and injured in many ways but never once during that pain have I ever cried. In the future I discussed many things with John, crying being one of them. He said I would learn to cry when I felt the need to. I didn't understand. Now I do because yesterday I cried.

I made sure no one would see me and went to my room and shut the door. Now I understand why sometimes Sarah goes to her room and shuts the door and cries. I always wondered why people felt the need to cry in private. Now I need not wonder.

I touched my cheek as I felt the first tear slide down it. I looked at the wetness on my hand in awe and confusion. Why was this happening? After much contemplation I came to the conclusion that Sarah's behaviour towards me was precipitating my emotional state. It was actually very simple. I missed her. I doubt, however she missed me.