AN- Well, now the plot thickens. I apologise for this chapter being a day late, but I got caught up in Christmas, (offers cookies).
I guess I better put a mild tissue warning here. It's time ladies and gentlemen...the talk is here...(hides)
Massive thank you to Rietta for her loyal dedication, hard work and friendship, I don't think I could have gotten through this year without her.
Thank you to everyone who is following this story:) Your support and encouragement keep me writing and plotting. I'll apologise to you all now, I go to Glasgow on 27/12 to see John Barrowman in Panto so the next chapter will probably be a little late, especially over New Year. I'll also take the time and the moment to say,
MERRY CHRISTMAS! NADOLIG LLAWEN!
Chapter 4- How can I just let you walk away?
Jack woke up the next morning, his neck stiff from the awkward position he appeared to have fallen asleep in. He heard the quiet hum of the television in the background and unglued his eyes to find Ianto sprawled across his lap, eyes fluttering gently as he woke up.
"Morning," Jack mumbled, his throat dry from the alcohol the night before.
"Bora Da," Ianto groaned.
His partner chuckled. "It still amazes me that first thing in the morning with a hangover, Welsh is your language of choice."
"Not choice... instinct," Ianto grumbled. "Coffee?"
"Thought you'd never ask."
The both lay there for a few more minutes, gathering their wits. Seemingly at the same time, they suddenly realised what they had to do that day and shuddered. Ianto liked the idea that maybe they might forget the decision to get a dissolution was ever made and they could ignore it. However, it didn't take long for the grousing to start. They'd been awake for barely half an hour when Ianto had commented that Jack hadn't moved his briefcase from the spot he'd left it when he'd come home on Thursday. Then Jack had commented that Ianto hadn't given him time to move it yesterday, and he had figured that their relationship was more important than a briefcase the night before.
In the kitchen, fifteen minutes later, Ianto was waiting for the coffee machine to finish making its own morning grumblings as it roasted the beans and the coffee poured from the spout into mugs he had placed underneath. Ianto added sugar and milk before taking one through to Jack. He set the cup down on the table with a jokey "Hope it chokes you." The line which would once upon a time have led to a massive round of vigorous make up sex now fell on deaf ears. A few seconds later, he tried again. "I love you."
This time, he got a response.
"I love you too. I just don't think I like this person you've become."
Ianto dropped onto the sofa. "I... Erm..." He found the words caught in his throat and cringed.
"Maybe this isn't for us," Jack continued and Ianto felt his heart stop. After all he had done yesterday...
"Last night didn't change anything then?"
"It's not that. Last night was the best night we've had in months. But look at us… We woke up this morning and within half an hour we were snapping at each other."
"Doesn't mean we can't work this out."
"Tell me how we fix it then, Ianto! Because I am clean out of 'fix it' options."
"We could talk more, maybe agree to disagree and compromise on different situations; share the housework and stop getting at each other over the slightest thing. We made that vow Jack, to be with each other till we die, and I'm not willing to throw it away over a handful of petty arguments."
"Arguments that you started."
Ianto felt his hackles rise. "Don't go blaming this all on me!"
Jack rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, but mostly this is your fault and I see no way to fix it. I am not going to change just because you demand I do."
"I'm not asking you to."
"It fucking seems like it." Jack switched his voice into a perfect imitation of Ianto's (Welsh accent included.) "Why can't you hang shirts like a normal person? Clean up like I asked you to? Or take washing out when I put it in in the morning?"
Ianto couldn't think of a response. Instead, he moved to the window and looked down over the city. He found his voice, and rather than argue back (mainly because everything Jack had said was true) he asked a question weighing heavily on his mind. "You really want to go through with the dissolution then?"
Jack sighed. "Do you really think we can get past it?"
"Don't you think that what we have is worth fighting for?"
Jack snapped. "Will you stop answering my questions with other questions?"
"Yes, sir!" Ianto snapped off a salute for good measure.
"Don't call me Sir."
"I apologise, Master."
"I am not Harold Saxon! That man is a psychopath- I don't care if the coffee in Human Resources is shite, it shouldn't be brought up in meetings that are worth billions of pounds!"
"Plot, Jack…"
"Where were we?"
"You were professing your undying love for me by suggesting we get a dissolution."
"I'm not doing this to hurt you!"
"Well it fucking does Jack! I feel like my heart's being ripped out of my chest and stamped all over."
Jack bowed his head and moved to the window behind Ianto, both looking out over the bay. "It's hurting me too."
"Then why do it?" Ianto turned to face Jack, his eyes shining brightly with unshed tears.
"Because if we don't, we're just going to tear each other apart." Jack could feel his own tears fall down his cheeks but he ignored them.
"Please, Jack," Ianto begged. "Please, don't do this... please!"
"It's for the best."
"How is it? All it's doing is hurting us both!"
Jack closed his eyes and spoke, his voice barely a whisper. "I can't take the hurt anymore, all the accusations, the lies, the half truths and fighting... All the pain you've put me through these last few weeks... months... Do I deserve it?"
Ianto, to his credit, was ashamed, and looked suitably so, but Jack found that now he had started, everything he wanted to say to Ianto came bubbling to the surface and he couldn't stop. "Every time I've done something wrong, you've blown it out of proportion. I may not have the best manners in the world, like modern music and dress in fine suits for work. I might not wash the dishes or hoover when I work from home... because when I do work from home, I actually do work. I'm not perfect, nor have I ever professed to be so; and you should stop trying to be so damn perfect! It's not attractive, nor a likeable trait in any partner..."
Spent, Jack didn't dare look at Ianto. Instead, he rested his face in the palm of his hand and closed his eyes, the slight throbbing behind them informing him that he had a migraine coming on. He felt immensely guilty: he could hear Ianto's harsh sobs in front of him but there was a tiny part of him that just didn't care.
For Ianto, the truth of how deeply he had hurt Jack was not in the words that he had spoken (though granted, they had done a rather good job) but in his actions. Normally, when Ianto cried, Jack would make him hot chocolate; just as when Jack cried, Ianto would pour him a glass of Remi Martin. When Jack didn't go and make the hot chocolate, Ianto knew deep down in his gut how much he had hurt the man. Overwhelmed by fear, he found himself think the dissolution might be a good idea... He didn't want it, but maybe Jack did... and he just wanted Jack happy.
Jack offered Ianto a tissue and the two stood there as they regained their composures and used the soft background sound of the lapping of the waves in the bay to bring themselves under control.
"Maybe you're right," Ianto murmured. "I'm always going to love you, I won't ever stop; but there's this saying my mum used to say: 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.' I don't want to hurt you anymore. I've done enough. You mean the world to me and I never wanted to hurt you."
Inside, Jack cringed. Ianto wanted this, so he'd go through with it. He'd do it to make Ianto happy. "I never wanted to hurt you either, but it seems that's all we've done lately."
"It was good, yeah? Before it went to hell?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
"Can I do something, one last time?"
"Sure."
Leaning forward, Ianto placed a gentle kiss on Jack's lips. "Love you," he whispered.
Jack closed his eyes. "Please don't."
Ianto nodded and pulled back. "So, what now?"
Jack sighed and looked at his watch (still the old and battered one- he had not got around to putting the new one on yet.) "I guess we should- I don't know."
"Do you have a place to stay?" Ianto asked.
Jack looked startled. "No, considering we only decided about... three minutes ago."
"Right... Erm... Well, you can stay in the guest room... until whoever decides to move out does so."
Jack smiled. "You keep the flat, Ianto. You spent so much time decorating it; I just put money towards it."
Ianto frowned. "Are you sure?"
"Positive. I'll move out. But are you going to be okay with me in the guest room until I move out?"
Ianto nodded frantically. "It's fine, honest."
"I'll go and move my stuff then."
Ianto nodded and watched Jack walk off into the bedroom and close the door behind him- and, metaphorically, on their relationship.
TBC