Part 4
"I'm home!"
Matt's loud voice was instantly reprimanded by Jed, who tried to hush his brother by making a shushing sound, and bringing his small index finger to his lips. "You're gonna wake Ginnie, Mattie!"
Matt casually glanced at the cot a few feet from where he stood. Like Jed had said, their young sister was sound asleep, a thumb stuck on her mouth, her chubby legs flexed against her chest, and her body curled up into a ball. Matt thought how boring babies like Ginnie were. Most of the time, all she did was eat and sleep. At least, now that she was not so little anymore, she did not cry so much. Matt remembered her loud, annoying wails in the house not too long ago, and when she cried during the night and nobody could sleep, she was such a nuisance.
Matt carelessly left his books and pail on top of a chair, and approached his brother, who was perched on his knees on a chair while drawing. "Where's Ma?" Mattie asked, casually glancing at the shapeless drawing Jed was so intent to make.
"Upstairs."
The nine-year-old slowly made his way up the stairs, and headed for his parents' bedroom. The door was closed, but he was pretty sure that was where his mother was. She often escaped to her bedroom when she had some mending and sewing to do since it was the most luminous and warmest place in the house. Matt turned the knob, and opened the door a crack. His motions froze instantly when he head sniffing and whimpering, and through the narrow gap between the door and its frame, the boy could see his mother. She was lying on the big bed, curled up almost in the same way as Ginnie, and her body was shaking as she sobbed.
Matt paused for a few seconds. However, he finally pushed the door open, and with slow steps, shuffled across the floor. Standing next to the bed, his small size hovered over his mother's sad figure, and after sadly watching her for a few moments in silence, he dared to touch her moist cheek in a soft caress. "Mama…"
Louise had not noticed Matt's presence, and when she heard his voice and felt his touch, she tried to pull herself together. "Matt, honey," she croaked, pushing half her body up, using her right hand.
"Mama, please, don't cry."
"I'm okay, honey… just a bit sad," Louise muttered, wiping away the remainder of her tears and trying to choke back those which stubbornly pushed behind her eyelids.
The boy impulsively lunged himself against her, hugging her, and clambering onto the bed. Lou held him and kissed the top of his head. "Oh my boy! Oh my boy, I love you!" she whispered, feeling emotional beyond measure.
"I love you too, Mama," Matt said against Lou's chest in a muffled voice.
Despite her pain, Lou smiled. Her arms kept holding her son as her mind was transported to other times, and almost unaware of her actions, she started to hum a lullaby she had sang to all her children when they were babies. In spite of the melodious humming, Louise felt tortured by bleak thoughts. At what point had her eldest daughter drifted away? Where had she failed as a mother to let this happen?
Lou wondered whether she had paid more attention to her three younger children, and as consequence Jane had felt neglected. Maybe that was the reason why she was now in big trouble and so out of reach. Until these last few months Lou had thought she and her eldest daughter were close, and had a good, special relationship. Naturally, they had disagreements, but all in all, there had never been too serious problems, that is, until now. Had all their mother-and-daughter conversations meant nothing? Hadn't Jane learned anything from her at all?
Remembering Janey's angered face and words in Ellen's house sent a stabbing pain right to her heart. Did this mean she had lost her daughter? How had she made it happen? Was this what she had always feared when she first got pregnant… that she would never be a good mother?
Heavy steps resounded in the room, and Lou instantly knew it was her husband. Lou raised her eyes to his hovering figure, and Kid smiled sadly. Sitting up, she brought her son up with her into an upright poison. "Matt, why don't you go and play with Jed? I'll follow in a moment, and make you something to eat, all right, honey?"
Matt nodded, and turning his eyes to his father, he said, "Ma's sad."
"Mattie, please," Lou let out in a slightly scolding tone.
Kid ruffled his son's hair. "I know Ma is feeling a bit down, buddy, and that's why I'm here in the middle of the day… to cheer her up. Please don't worry."
Matt finally walked out of the bedroom while Kid sat on the bed next to his wife. The pair remained silent for a few moments. "He's such a good boy," Lou finally broke the silence; her voice heavily laden with sadness. "Naughty and a handful more often than not, but he's all heart. I just hope I don't end up ruining him too."
"Lou, please, don't take what Janey said to heart," Kid exclaimed, reaching out for her hand. "She's just going through a strange time like most teenagers, and she's even more upset and rebellious because of these special circumstances she's living."
"What am I doing wrong, Kid? You know me better than anybody else… as a friend, as a lover, as a wife, as a mother, as everything… Where have I failed as a mother to Janey?"
"Don't do this to yourself, Lou. You're an excellent mother… and I couldn't wish for anybody else but you to be the mother of my children. Jane's just angry, maybe with herself. Neither you nor I are perfect parents, but we've done everything for our children… way more than we got to have as children."
"Jane adores you," Lou pointed out. "And there in Buck's house she looked at me as if I were the devil itself."
"Lou no… Janey loves you. How can she not? Please don't let this matter make you doubt yourself. Jane ain't right at all; she's too young to understand and appreciate you. This matter with her pregnancy is more than she can cope with, and her anxiety makes her out of control and attack whoever is easily in her sight, and that is you."
"I don't like what's happening… it scares me."
"I know," Kid replied, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "It's hard, but let's do what Ellen says. If Janey wants to live there, let her be. Soon her irritation will blow over, and we'll have her back in just a few days. You'll see."
Kid's optimism proved to be wrong. A whole week passed tortuously, and Jane was still adamant in her anger, and refused to go back home. Like they had agreed, Kid and Lou had stood aside and let her have the time and space she might need to reconsider what she was doing. Yet, when the days succeeded, they realized their daughter was too stubborn to admit her mistake and budge. Kid tried to talk to her several times, but he did not manage to change her mind.
Things at home were not easy. Jane's absence was too noticeable, and the implications and reasons behind it were too painful. Matt and Jed kept asking why Jane was not living at home, and Kid tried to answer their curiosity as best as he could. Since the beginning of their marriage he and Lou had agreed never to lie to their children, but this time Kid just didn't know what to say to his boys. This was something he needed to discuss with Lou. They would eventually have to tell them that Jane was pregnant, but Kid was not sure how to tackle the matter and answer all the questions that with all certainty would ensue. Lou would know how to deal with it better, but right now she was not in her best moment. She was in a state of constant melancholy, and even though she tried to appear and act around their other children as carefree and calm as usual, Kid knew what that external façade actually hid inside.
The only good thing was that Janey was not too far from them. They did not see her too much since the girl just remained inside Buck's house all the time, and when Kid had gone and tried to talk to her, she had refused and ran to the room she now stayed in as soon as she saw her father appear. Kid did his utmost to remain calm in this messy situation, especially for Lou's sake, but he was reaching the limit of his patience. He did not understand what his daughter wanted or intended with her attitude, and it was too excruciating to see her act as if she did not have a family at all.
At least, in this mess Kid felt relieved that Jane was with Buck and Ellen, who were their closest friends and would treat the girl as if she were their daughter. Buck was like a brother to him, and Kid knew he and Ellen would take good care of Jane. In these difficult days Buck kept assuring him not to worry because Jane was fine and would eventually come around. Actually, Buck had tried to talk to her, and asked her why she didn't want to go home. That conversation had not gone well, according to Buck. Jane had reacted harshly, menacing to flee somewhere else if she was not welcomed in his house.
Kid could not stop thinking about Jane for one second, and he knew it was the same for Lou. As he now finished mucking out the last stall, he kept wondering why Jane had such a difficult character to deal with. Kid had always thought Jane took after her mother in so many ways, and it was true that the girl was very similar to Lou, but they were also too different in their ways to react to life. Lou's temper was something to fear, but she normally did not stay angry for too long, and was ready to admit she was wrong. Yet, when Janey got into one of her moods, she held onto her feelings like a barnacle to a rock. Maybe it was because Jane was very young, and all her experiences and reactions magnified in her own world.
Kid knew his confidence was staggering and weakening, and he was starting to ask himself the same questions Lou had posed a week ago. What had they done wrong with Janey? Kid was certain that both he and Lou had given their offspring all the love they well deserved, but maybe they had missed on something. Perhaps it was what Lou always said: he was too soft with the children. That could be his fault, and the reason of all the problems with Janey.
Gloomy and miserable, Kid dragged his body and the pail of dirt from the stables to the big crate outside. As he dumped the contents of the pail, in a reflect act, the Southerner directed his eyes to where Buck's house stood. As luck would have it, he caught sight of Jane behind a window. Kid stared at her from the distance, and his hand rose in a wave, but much to his chagrin, the curtain was suddenly drawn, hiding the girl from his view.
Jane sighed as she turned away from the window. She really missed her father, and even her mother, but the image of him so close and so far at the same time was too much to behold. Despite his feelings, she could not go back home. The situation had reached a non-return point. Jane felt too hurt and humiliated, and all she wanted was to prove to her mother she was no child and could look after herself. She could actually live without her overbearing presence, and one day her mother would have to admit she had been wrong. Jane could bet her mother must have believed that after a day or two away she would run back home, begging for forgiveness. This would show her how mistaken she was.
A week had passed, and Jane did not regret her decision for one second. She could survive on her own, and living at Uncle Buck's was even better than at home. Jane did not have to obey her mother's annoying demands and recommendations, or bear her two brothers' chitchat, questions, and childish behavior. Her Uncle Buck and Aunt Ellen let her be most of the time, respecting her silence and decisions, and Ike was not such a nuisance as her own brothers.
Jane had every intention to remain in this house for as long as she could. Nothing could make her return home. That would mean her failure to her mother's eyes, and Janey could not allow that. She planned to fulfill all her new responsibilities. Having a child was not something she had desired, but since there was nothing she could do, she would have to be up to her new situation. When the baby was born, she would look after it, and she would do just fine.
The idea of having her own child gradually appealed to her more and more. She could be a good, young ma to her baby; naturally, she wouldn't be like her own mother: controlling, possessive, irritating… No, her child would be lucky to have her, and there was nothing to be afraid of. She could cope with motherhood well enough; after all, she had already helped her mother with Jed and Ginnie when they were small babies. Now it couldn't be much more difficult. Ma could see she could do everything on her own, and if she needed some help at some point, she would ask Aunt Ellen because with all probability the baby would spend lots of time with its paternal grandparents since she now lived with the Cross's.
At this point Jane wondered whether she would still be living here when the baby was born. In fact, she did not have a very clear idea what her plans were. She still had not written to Billy because actually she did not want to tell him. Jane knew that sooner or later Billy would learn about it, but for the time being he'd better remain in the dark. Jane was not sure how Billy would eventually react to the news. Maybe he would think this was not his problem, and would continue with his new life unbothered. It wouldn't be the first man who left his girl in trouble in the lurch. Yet, Jane was convinced that Billy was not that kind of person. He was too responsible, and would do his duty to her.
Jane secretly admitted that she wished Billy were less responsible because she did not want to share this with him. If he ever showed up in Rock Creek, he would be another problem she would have to face. It wasn't that she didn't miss him because she did, and sometimes she dreamt she could go back to those days in which they had explored their young love. It had been bliss, and Jane had never been happier. Yet, she wanted that wholly without any of the additional hassle of this pregnancy. Since that was not possible, all she could wish was for Billy to stay way for as long as possible.
"Jane?" Ellen called as she walked into the living room. Her voice snapped the girl out of her thoughtfulness, and she turned her gaze to the woman. "Could you do me a favor, sweetie?"
"Of course. What is it?"
"I need to go to town right now. Would you please make sure Ike leaves for school in good time?"
"Yes, count on me."
"Thanks. You're an angel," Ellen said as she took her coat from the peg next to the door, and put it on. Her smile turned to Jane, who had sat down on the sofa. "I'm off then. I promised Miss Stanly I'll do her hair for her wedding today, and I'm already running late."
"Have fun then."
Ellen nodded. Her hand reached for the doorknob, but before walking out, she hesitated. "Jane," she called, turning her eyes to the girl, "have you considered going to talk to your ma? It's been a whole week, and I know she misses you, and…"
"But I don't," the girl cut her off abruptly. Her amiable disposition turned into coldness instantly. "Please Aunt Ellen, I don't want to talk about my mother. If you aren't comfortable with me here, I can find myself another place to live."
All Ellen could do was shake her head in frustration. Talking to Jane was an impossible mission, and nothing she could say would change the girl's mind. Only Jane herself had the power to see what she was doing to her family, and in turn to herself, nobody else, but if she did not want to open her eyes, what could be done?
When Ellen was gone, Jane walked into the kitchen and started making some sandwiches for Ike to take to school. When she finished, temptation and her rumbling stomach pushed her to nick a sandwich from the boy's pail. In a few seconds she had ate it up avidly, licking her lips, and then without stopping, she devoured three cookies she fished out of a jar in the kitchen. Lately she was hungry all the time, and no food was enough to satisfy her ample appetite.
Some knocks from the front door stopped her intentions to get herself something else to eat. Jane ambled back into the living room, and opened the door. "Hey Matt!" she exclaimed with a smiling. "You're coming for Ike, aren't you?"
Mattie did not say anything, and walked past her sister, ignoring her completely. "Ike, I'm here!" he called loudly, and soon small feet came pattering down the stairs. Ike appeared, and with just a smile he greeted his friend. Like every morning he scurried away to find his books and pail. Matt remained in the middle of the living room, purposefully not looking at his sister who stood behind him.
"Where are your manners, Matt? You haven't seen me in days, and I don't even get a hello from you."
Matt slowly turned around, and lifted his upset blue eyes to his sister. "What do you care? You should be at home, not here."
"I'm at home. This is my home now."
"Why? Why don't you want to live with us?" Matt asked. Whenever he asked his parents, they simply said that Jane was just spending a few days at Uncle Buck's and would be back soon. Matt could tell his parents were upset about it, and he had heard them mention Jane in concerned whispers. Matt knew there was some problem with his sister, something that made ma and pa distraught, so the boy had eventually stopped asking.
"I…I have my reasons… important reasons."
"Are those reasons more important than Ma and Pa? They're very sad, especially Ma."
Matt's words disturbed Jane more than she was ready to admit, an even though her annoying conscience kept nagging her, she tried not to hear its voice. "You can't possibly understand. You're just a child, Matt."
Mattie stared at her unblinkingly, and after a second's pause he said, "If not being a child means hurting Ma, and making her cry, then I don't want to grow up." Jane gazed at him with big eyes, but Matt averted his eyes, and noticing Ike just a few feet from where he stood, he said, "Come on, Ike. Let's go."
The two children almost ran out of the house, and as the door slammed closed behind them, Jane remained rooted on the spot for a few seconds, but then she started to pace up and down the living room. "I'm not gonna cry; I'm not gonna cry," she kept repeating over and over again, trying her utmost to convince herself and calmed her frayed nerves.
After a few minutes she dashed back into the kitchen. This incident with her brother had boosted her already avid appetite, and she stuffed her mouth with some more cookies from the jar. The more she ate, the better she felt.
Suddenly, from the kitchen she heard the front door open and close. Her eyes fell on Ike's pail he had forgotten on the kitchen table. Grunting among gritted teeth, Jane took the pail, and marched back to the living room. Her steps stopped short as she realized that it was not Ike like she had thought. Her eyes opened as big as saucers and the pail slid her fingers, clattering onto the floor as a shocked whisper left her lips. "Billy…"
Billy's mouth curled up into a warm smile as soon as his eyes reveled in the beauty of his girlfriend. In two long strides he covered the short distance separating them and took Jane in his arms. "Oh Janey, I've missed you so much!" he exclaimed, and at once his lips claimed hers in a passionate kiss. Jane was initially taken aback by his impetuous attack to her senses, but soon she responded whole-heartedly. It was among kisses that she realized how much she loved Billy, and how her apprehensions were groundless. In that moment she felt transported back just a few months ago when there were no problems, no pregnancy, just the two of them and their intense love. Billy was such a great kisser; even though he had been the only one who had ever kissed her, she doubted anyone would arouse so many feelings in her. Billy was extra special, and in that moment she realized how much she had missed him and his kisses.
They kept kissing as if there was no tomorrow. Yet, when Billy's hand crept from her waist up her front to rest and caress her chest, Jane pulled away abruptly. Billy continued smiling as he tried to get his breathing back. "It's nice to get this warm welcome, but what… what are you doing in my house?"
"Look who's asking," Jane replied. "And you? What are you doing in Rock Creek when you should be in college miles away from here?"
Billy's mirth faded as her question brought him back to reality. "My Pa sent me a telegram, asking me to get myself to Rock Creek as soon as possible, and I took the first train I could. That telegram got me worried," Billy said in a soft voice, and lifting his gaze, he noticed the glow in her eyes. "You know what this is about, don't you, Janey? What's wrong? Has something happened to my parents?"
"Oh no, your parents are fine, and Ike too. There's nothing wrong… your family is all right."
"Then what's going on?"
"Billy, we need to talk," Jane whispered, and taking his hand, she steered him to the sofa where they both sat. Billy's eyes stared at her with eager curiosity, and Jane felt lost at words. At that moment she wished she had told him in a letter; it would have been much easier without having his eyes almost drilling a hole in her brain, and she wouldn't have had to dread his reaction because she wouldn't have been present. Why on earth hadn't she written that letter? So foolish of her! And why hadn't Uncle Buck told him everything in his telegram? It would have saved her from explanations and this awkward sensation.
"What is it, Janey?" Billy urged her, getting restless and perturbed by her hesitancy.
"It's… it's about us."
"Us?" Billy echoed in surprise, not really understanding what Jane was trying to tell him. "My father made me travel hundreds of miles all of a sudden because something related to us… to you and me?"
"Billy, I… I'm gonna have a baby," Jane finally blurted out.
The boy's face instantly showed his logical shock, and for a few moments he could not find his own voice. In that instant he even thought he had misheard her, but noticing the expression of her face, he knew his hearing had not betrayed him. "A… a baby?" he finally exclaimed in disbelief. "But… but we… we played it safe."
"It wasn't so safe, evidently."
Billy kept quiet, trying to digest what he still had trouble to believe. At the same time he kept sending surreptitious looks at his girl, studying her and checking for any differences in her figure. Janey looked the same; if anything, she was more beautiful than the last time he had seen her. Could it be possible that a baby was growing inside her very young body?
Now he understood why his father had sent for him with so much urgency in that telegram. Never in a million years would he have imagined what would be awaiting him at home. He had got Janey in trouble, and the implications and consequences of his acts now fell over him overwhelmingly.
Billy turned his eyes to Jane again, and in the turmoil his mind was sunk in, he realized where they were and how his first question had not been answered.
"Janey, what are you doing here… in my house and alone?" he asked again, this time wary of her answer.
"I live here now," Jane simply said.
Her words confirmed what he had feared, and alarmed him at once. "What? Don't tell me your parents kicked you out, and you had to find shelter here!" he asked, already angered by his own conclusions. He had heard of girls in the same situation as Janey being unceremoniously thrown out of their homes by parents. Billy had never thought Uncle Kid and Aunt Lou were that kind, so the shock was twice as bad.
"No, it's not really that," Jane replied calmly. "Ma and I had a fight… well, more than one, and I couldn't stand her anymore. Your parents were kind enough to take me in… otherwise, I would be wandering the streets, because I just can't go back home."
Billy listened to her, lingering to her every word. "What exactly happened between you and your Ma?"
"Oh Billy! You know what she's like."
"I do. That's why I don't understand what possibly could have happened to make you leave your home like that."
Jane sighed tiredly, but she knew Billy wouldn't let go without a proper explanation. "She's always on my back, treating me like a small child. I could hardly breathe without asking for her permission. And she got impossible when she learned about the baby."
"Well, that's understandable."
"Understandable?" Jane repeated in a shrill voice. "You weren't here, so you don't even know how she treated me! I'm already going through a lot, and I just needed a little understanding from her part. Was that asking too much?"
"I'm sorry," Billy whispered, taking her hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.
"Please let's not talk about my mother," Jane said, removing her hand from his hold and crossing her arms in a protective fashion.
"All right then." Billy kept quiet for a couple of minutes, and then said, "In any case, what matters now is what we are going to do now." Jane's attention was instantly drawn by his words, and the boy continued, "We'll get married, Janey. That's what we have to do."
"Married?" Jane echoed, as if she had never heard the word before or had never thought of that possibility in her mind.
Billy nodded. "You ain't gonna be alone in this. I love you, and I'll leave everything for you and our baby. We'll be together forever, Janey. Every day for the rest of our lives."
"Forever…" Jane whispered as fear crept into her soul. She knew Billy was right, and it shouldn't surprise her to hear him talk about marriage. This was what they should do. They had gone too far, and now there was no way back. What was done was done. They needed to face the responsibility. What else was there left? She loved Billy, she knew as much, so the idea of marriage should make her happy, but somehow she felt appalled rather than blissful.
Billy smiled, and noticing her awkward countenance, he said, "I know this ain't what we planned, and it's more than unexpected, but you needn't worry, Janey, my love. Everything will be fine, and I'll make you happy… we'll both be happy."
Jane nodded reluctantly, letting his arms encircle her, and as she pressed her face against his chest, she felt like crying. Yet, her pride choked back those tears, and instead she simply said, "I know."
Following his wife's orders, Buck had donned his Sunday best, which he only wore on very few occasions and which he hated. Buck did not understand why Ellen made him go to all this trouble when they were simply seeing their all-time friends and neighbors. Ellen had also put on one of her best dresses, and when Buck had laughed at her ways, she had stated that this was not just a social visit, but an occasion on which they would be discussing a very important and vital matter.
Buck offered his wife his arm all proper-like, which Ellen accepted as they started waling across the yard. Jane and Billy, holding hands, followed them at a short distance. With slow steps the party reached the house, and Buck knocked at the door. Kid appeared a few seconds later, and with a forced smile he beckoned the visitors to come inside.
"Hello, Billy," Kid said seriously as they stood in the living room. "How are you?"
"Very well. Thanks, sir," the boy replied, feeling very small and uncomfortable under Kid's scrutinizing eyes. "And… and … I… I'd like to… apologize for what happened… I really didn't…"
Kid lifted his extended palm to stop the boy's flow of words. "Please don't say anything. Let's not make this more awkward and difficult than it already is." Billy breathed out, relieved to be saved from further embarrassment, and Kid turned to his daughter. "Hi, Janey. Aren't you gonna greet your old father?"
Jane could not help but feel very emotional before Kid. This complicated situation had nothing to do with him, and Jane missed him too much. In this past week the girl had refused all his attempts to talk to her, because she knew she wouldn't be able to say no if he asked her to go back home, and that was something she was not ready to do.
After Kid's words, Jane lunged against her father and hugged him tightly. "Oh Papa! I miss you so much!"
"We also missed you, honey."
They were still in a close embrace when Lou appeared out of the kitchen, followed by her two sons and carrying Ginnie in her arms. Jane let go of her father, and turning her eyes to Louise, she said, "Hello, Mother."
"Is that the way to greet your Ma when you haven't seen her in days?" Kid scolded his daughter, sensing and feeling that Jane's cold reception was already hurting his wife.
"Please, Kid," Lou pleaded in a soft voice. "Just let it be. Janey's already told us to treat her as an adult, so we should respect her wishes. She's free to behave the way she likes, and place her affections on whoever she loves."
The Cross family exchanged tense looks while Jane stared at her mother unhappily because hearing her Ma repeat what she had often said sounded different to her ears, almost pathetic and insulting. "Boys, why don't you go outside to play?" Lou urged her two sons while she left Ginnie on her blanket with her toys.
"Ike's waiting for you in the yard," Ellen added, and the two boys ran out of the house, almost stumbling against the adults in their eagerness to go outside and meet their friend.
"Please sit down while I go and bring tea and coffee," Lou said, and as she walked back into the kitchen, her hand furiously wiped a few rebellious tears that had managed to escape her resistance. As Lou poured the hot tea from the kettle into her beautiful ceramic teapot, she mused how utterly miserable she was feeling. Jane's attitude hurt her too much, and even though she tried to appear strong and happy for her husband and other children, she knew she was not doing a very good job. She had never been able to pretend, and the excruciating pain of her daughter's absence from home and her life was more than she could stand.
Louise walked back into the living room. Kid and their 'visitors' were all sitting around her table, which she had embellished with one of her most beautiful tablecloths and a vase with some flowers. While Lou served tea and coffee around, Kid and Buck made some small talk about their business as a way to relieve some of the latent tension in the room.
Lou finally sat down, and her eyes instantly shifted and rested on her daughter. "How are you feeling, Janey?" she asked right away. Maybe the right thing to do would be to keep quiet since it was clear that her last comment, even though well-intentioned, had not sat well with Jane. Yet, Lou just couldn't keep silent or unconcerned. This was her daughter, who she had bore in her womb for nine months, who she had given birth to after thirty-six hours of intense pain, who she had loved, looked after, and raised for fifteen years. She was not going to act as if Jane was a stranger or the situation didn't concern her. In any case, Janey was already sore at her, and it seemed everything she said upset the girl, so Lou concluded that if Jane didn't like her question and worry, so let it be.
"I'm feeling fine."
"Are you eating properly?" Lou asked again.
"Yes, quite well."
"And you should try to do some exercise like going for walks. This is a very delicate stage in pregnancy, and you need to do everything Dr. Maxwell told you to when we visited him."
"I'm fine, Mother… I'm fine!" Jane exclaimed a bit too roughly, running out of patience with Lou's tiresome questions.
"Aunt Lou, Jane's all right. And now that I'm here, I'll take good care of her," Billy dared to say and placed a hand on the girl's shoulder.
Louise bit her lower lip, almost making it bleed, as she tried to control her impulses and tongue. Suddenly, all she wanted was to punch the boy and cry that he should have taken care of his own needs somewhere else other than with her daughter. Lou really wanted to be very rude and let out what she was feeling inside. Yet, with an almost supernatural effort she managed to refrain herself. What she could not control was the dangerous glare she shot Billy.
The boy instantly removed his hand from Jane's shoulder, and Buck then said, "Billy's going to sleep at Teaspoon's while Jane stays with us." Lou could not care less where Billy was going to sleep. The harm was already done, and Billy's chastity meant little to her now.
Louise realized that she was close to exploding, and she was not sure she would be able to go through this trial without lashing out or saying something she would regret later. Glancing to her side, she noticed Kid's tense jaw, but all in all, he looked quite calm. Lou could not understand how he could remain so cool in the worst situations, and the fact that he had that ability and she didn't filled her with soaring irritation.
A tug in her arm made her avert her attention, and she saw Ginnie standing by her side, raising her two small arms to her. With a small smile, Lou placed her youngest daughter on her lap, placed a kiss on top of her head, and gave her a cookie from the tray she had brought along with the tea. The warmth of the toddler's body somehow had a soothing effect, and Lou felt herself relax.
Buck cleared his throat to call for attention, and started talking. "Billy and I have been discussing the situation we're all aware of. He wishes to ask you for Janey's hand in marriage."
Kid and Lou shared a brief look, and then Louise directed her eyes to her eldest daughter, who was staring at the tea she kept stirring over and over again. "Is that what you want, Jane?" Lou asked without preambles.
The girl timidly lifted her eyes, but before she could answer, Ellen stepped in, "It's the right thing to do, Lou, if we want to save Jane from a reputation that could soil the rest of her life." Ellen paused for a second, took a sip of her tea, and then added, "Billy and Janey can have the money Buck and I saved for his education. That will allow them to get by for a while as they get settled in married life."
"And Billy could start working for us on the ranch like he does in summers, but in a steadier position," Buck continued, swaying his black eyes from Kid to Lou. "You know the wages our ranch hands get from us is enough for a young family."
"And we've also thought they could first live in the old cabin Buck and I used when we first came to Rock Creek. It needs a good cleaning and all our junk we've stored there over the years needs to be removed. It's a convenient location since we're near if they need our help, and it doesn't cost money. Later they can move somewhere else or build themselves a bigger place."
As Buck and Ellen unfolded their suggestions, Lou kept studying Jane's face. With every plan uttered she seemed to pale a shade, and Lou could tell she was not comfortable. After Ellen and Buck finished, Kid remained silent, and once again Louise addressed her daughter. "Is this what you want, Jane? Do you really wish to become a full-time wife and mother?"
Janey lifted her eyes to look at her mother. "Yes," she replied with as little conviction that she felt her cheeks flush, so she had to look away quickly.
"We love each other and our baby," Billy broke in. "And we want to be married. Why would you doubt our intentions, Aunt Lou?"
"I don't doubt you, but marriage is a very serious commitment. Marriage is more than romance, flowers, and laughter. It can be wonderful when you're joined to the right person, but it can also be challenging in hard times. You're both young… very young; you've hardly started living to understand the whole meaning of marriage… and I'm not even saying anything about being a parent."
"We are ready to face everything," Billy insisted stubbornly. "This is what we both want."
"Fair enough. We've heard what you want, Billy," Kid said, after keeping quiet all this time. "But I'd like to hear what my daughter has to say."
"Janey?" Billy turned to the girl sitting next to her.
Jane noticed all eyes on her, especially Billy's intense gaze, which clearly demanded a clear answer without doubts. The girl wished she could close her eyes, and let them decide for her like it had always been. Yet she knew she had to give an answer like the adult she claimed she was. On one side, it was Billy, who almost begged to reiterate his words and certainty. And on the other side were her parents, who wanted an honest reply, or maybe an assurance of what they clearly believed: that she was still a child. Jane was unsure, and stuck between a rock and a hard place. She could say she had doubts, was scared, and had no idea what she wanted. Yet, Billy's eyes almost penetrated her skin, and she finally found herself saying, "Yes, I do want to marry Billy."
Louise sighed, and shared an anguished look with her husband. "Lou, we also share your concerns as parents, but there's a child involved here," Ellen started. "And we need to find the solution that best suits that baby and our children."
"That ain't the only option; there are other possibilities," Lou said in a resolute voice and pressed her lips against Ginnie's head into a kiss.
"What possibilities, Lou?" Buck asked intrigued.
Louise shared another look with her husband before speaking up. "Kid and I have also been measuring up what would be best for everybody. We think it's a real shame you, Billy, might have to drop out of college for this matter, and in her position Janey couldn't even be able to make plans. There's a way that might not disturb both your lives so much… in most cases."
"What way?" Billy asked.
"Quite simple. Jane and I could go to Emma's until the baby is born. When we return, people just need to know that I've had another child, not Jane."
At once Billy shook his head energetically. "I won't consent to that."
"It's just a temporary arrangement. It doesn't have to be forever… just a few years that will give you the chance and space to find your place in life. In that time you'll be more aware what life is about and what you have to face. Then you can get married for the right reasons… just like it should be, not in a hurry."
Billy was still unconvinced. "That baby is ours."
"Naturally, and we won't ever deny that. This baby will know who its parents are," Lou continued. "This will just give you two or three years to mature and clear your ideas. It would be for the best. We care about you two and this baby."
For the first time Billy paused to consider Lou's words, but Jane's loud voice resounded with irritation. "That's crazy! You won't have my baby, and I won't lie to people. I already told you what I want! This is just once again your way to prove I'm just a child for you!"
Jane's roaring voice startled Ginnie, who started crying. Lou tried to soothe the toddler. "Sh, everything's fine, honey. Mama's here," she cooed softly, kissing her hair.
Jane stared at her mother and sister, and was surprised when a wave of feelings engulfed her overwhelmingly. Jealousy stung her, and she wished she could take Ginnie's place, and be comforted in the same way. Also, she realized that instead she would soon be taking her mother's position, and would be comforting a baby of her own. With the same intensity as jealousy, fear crept into her soul. She did not want her face to show what she was so clearly feeling, so she scrambled to her feet, and to everybody's surprise she fled from the house.
"Jane!" Lou called, and passing Ginnie to Kid, she dashed after her daughter. "Jane! Jane!" she continued calling her once outside the house. "Please, Janey, stop and talk to me!"
Reluctantly Jane halted in the middle of the yard, and turning around, she folded her arms while saying, "What do you want now?"
Louise approached her with slow steps, and stood at a close distance. "Please, Janey, forget what I've said. If you don't like it, we'll do whatever you want. But please, come back home. Please."
Janey shook her head. "I'm sorry, but no. It's obvious we have the same problem, and I don't want to argue with you anymore."
"Janey, I really don't understand what you want from me. If what you want is for me to stop being your mother, I'm afraid that's not possible. I'll be your mother forever whether you want it or not." Lou paused and then added, "Honey, please, come back to your family. I beg you. Please."
"Why, Ma? There's no point. I'll soon be moving to that cabin when I marry Billy. So you better get used to seeing less and less of me."
"Please Janey," Lou pleased almost in tears.
The girl shook her head, and unable to endure the pained look of her mother, she turned on her heel, and almost ran to the house before her mother could see the tears running down her face.
The children were already tucked in bed, and Lou was finishing tidying up the kitchen. The plates and cutlery were already sitting in their right place, resting until the following day, and the pots and pans shining brightly. Lou was energetically wiping the surface of the worktops when an arm encircled her slim waist. Feeling her husband's arms, Louise relaxed and leaned her back against him. Kid nuzzled his lips on her neck, and then turning her to him, he kissed her quickly on the lips.
Lou gave him a sad smile when they pulled away. "Jane turned off the lamp ten minutes ago," she muttered. From the kitchen window she had a good view of Buck's house, and like every night she had been waiting and watching Jane's shadow in the room she was now staying in.
"Lou, we tried our best, but if she's adamant to get married, what can we do? She's underage, and she couldn't get married without our permission, but are you sure you want to get into a bigger war over this?"
Louise shook her head. "She thinks that everything we do is because we want to hurt or demean her in some way. I don't really understand why. Doesn't she know we love her, and all we want is her well-being and happiness?"
"She knows, Lou, but I ain't sure what she has in her mind."
"If you had put our suggestion on the table instead of me, it'd have been different. I'm sure she'd have listened to you. It's me she has a problem with," Lou said in a gloomy tone.
Kid could hear the words that his wife wasn't saying. "Honey, Janey loves you. Don't even doubt that."
Lou nodded sadly. "I feel like such a failure, Kid! When Janey was born, I swore to myself she would never have to go through the same as me, that she would never have the youth I had. You know, I didn't really experience what being a young girl was like. I had to work and struggle hard to survive on my own and find a way in life. I was even denied the hope for love because a beast stole that illusion from me… that is, until I met you. And even so, we couldn't enjoy a proper courtship." Lou paused to catch her breath. "I wanted Jane to have everything I didn't enjoy, but she's going to miss her own youth because she's now forced to face responsibilities that should be reserved for an adult."
"Lou, we've tried to show her other options," Kid reminded her.
"And she refused because the idea came from me!" Lou exclaimed in frustration, and in a soft voice, she added, "You should have talked to her, not me. But my big mouth couldn't stand behind. And she refused because of me."
"Lou, I don't think…"
"Didn't you see her face? Kid, she ain't happy about the marriage! She doesn't want to be a wife. I know my daughter and how she feels."
"Honey, we asked her… twice, and you heard what she said," Kid added.
"Because that's what her boyfriend expected her to say, and because that's what I didn't want to hear! I still don't know why, but she is resolute to do anything I'm against! That's the reason, Kid! It is painful to accept that as a mother, but it's what it is."
"Lou, Jane is a clever girl," Kid contradicted her. "We can't oppose her right now. Your idea was a sound one, but if she doesn't want to accept it, we can't force her to do so."
Louise nodded. "I'm so scared, Kid. I fear she's running recklessly into disaster, and there's no way to stop her." Lou let out an audible sigh, and then added, "And that poor baby in the middle of all this!"
"Don't be so negative, honey! Jane ain't alone. You and I are here to help her in anything she needs. I really wish this wasn't happening, but whether we want it or not, our Janey is expecting a baby. She wants to get married, and her beau is a willing part. They're too young, I know, but marriage is one of the options we already discussed. Let's give them a vote of confidence, Lou. For all we know, they might have fulfilling, happy future ahead of them."
After Kid's tirade, Louise threw her arms around his neck and buried her face on his shoulder. "I'm so tired, Kid."
"I know, honey," he replied, caressing the back of her head with one hand and hugging her waist with his other free arm.
"And I miss my daughter. I want Janey back. This family's all cracked without her."
"We'll be whole again soon. Jane will realize how important you and our family are for her, and it won't be long. You'll see."
"I hope you're right," Lou muttered against his shoulder, and that was the last words they spoke.
The couple remained in the kitchen holding and finding the comfort they needed in each other's arms. The view before their eyes looked darker than ever because now it was not about their life, but about their daughter's. This might just be the first real problem of a multiplicity of them they had to face as their children grew up and became men and women. Life should have stopped its clock, and let their children be children forever because this… this was almost impossible to cope with.
"I have a surprise for you," a smiling Billy said looking at Janey with excited, sparkling eyes. They had gone for a walk just outside the ranch, and now on their way back they found themselves in the confines of their parents' joined property.
Jane looked at him expectantly, but did not utter a single sound. They stopped, and Billy fished a little velvet pouch out of his jacket pocket. Pouring the contents on his palm, the boy presented Janey with a simple ring. "This is for you," he said in a proud voice. "I'm sorry I didn't have one to offer you when we got engaged since it was…"
"Too unexpected," Jane finished off for him.
Billy nodded, still smiling from ear to ear. "Let me put it on you." The boy gently took her hand and slid the ring onto her delicate finger. As soon as the cold metal touched her skin, Jane felt as if iron shackles gripped her very soul, and she could hardly breathe from the pressure she was feeling in her chest.
"Do you like it?"
"It's… it's pretty. Thank you," she replied in a very tiny voice.
"Ma helped me choose it. She's also going to order our wedding bands when she goes to Seneca on Friday. She even wants to buy me a new suit for the wedding!" Billy enthused, chuckling at the same time.
"That's nice of her," Jane said in a flat tone as she resumed walking, and wished Billy would stop talking about the wedding and all the arrangements. Yet, her desires were not met when Billy continued babbling on about the same.
"Jane, the wedding is in two weeks."
"I know."
"Shouldn't you try and talk to your mother about what all girls and mothers talk about before a wedding?" Billy pointed out, and at his fiancée's bitter expression, he added, "I know she ain't too happy about us getting married, but despite everything, I'm sure she doesn't want to miss this moment, and would love to share it with you."
"Maybe I'm the one who doesn't want to share all this with her."
"Oh come on, Jane!" Billy exclaimed, tired of the girl's mean attitude. "Don't do this, please! You sound as if you had been born to a hyena or worse! Please don't turn your back to your family because all you're doing is hurting yourself."
Jane shook her head. "I just can't pretend everything's fine because it's not!"
"I'm just worried about you, that's all," Billy whispered, caressing her face with the back of his hand.
"I know."
They made their way across the yard in silence, and when they stood before the house, Billy stopped and turned to his girlfriend. "I promised my father I would give him a hand in the stables after we returned from our walk. I'm sorry I have to leave you."
Jane nodded. "I'll see you later then."
Billy smiled, leaned forward and kissed her softly but intensely. Pulling away just an inch, he kept staring into her blue eyes. "I can't wait to become your husband," he whispered, and kissed her once again before scampering away to the stables. Half way he turned around and cried, "I love you, Jane McCloud!"
"Love you too," Jane muttered with much less enthusiasm, and when Billy finally disappeared into the stables, she stalked into the house. As fast as her legs could move, she darted up the stairs and into the bedroom that was now hers. As soon as she dashed inside, hot tears rolled down her cheeks and violent sobs shook her body. Her weak legs staggered across the bedroom, and her body fell on the bed heavily while she kept wailing miserably.
Suddenly, a couple of knocks surprised her, followed by the call of her name. She had thought there was nobody in the house, and as she awkwardly lifted her wet face from the pillow, she saw her Uncle Buck timidly step into the bedroom. The girl tried to wipe her tears, but she felt unable to stop crying. Buck silently dared to sit on the bed next to the girl, and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong, Janey?"
Jane stared at him and the sincere, open concern in his eyes. The pressure in her chest was almost unbearable, and impossible to ignore, and after debating with herself for a few seconds, she managed to say for once what she really felt. "Oh Uncle Buck!" she exclaimed among tears. "I don't want to get married!"
Buck frowned. "Have you and Billy had a fight?"
The girl shook her head vigorously. "I just don't want to get married, and I don't want to have a baby!" she wailed painfully. Breathing in a few times, she tried to get a grip of herself and in a more calmed voice she added, "I love Billy, I do, but… but…" The tears once again overflowed, and she could not finish the sentence.
"Marriage is sure daunting," Buck agreed. "That doesn't mean you love a person less."
Jane let out a few shaky sighs. "I still can't understand how I've reached this point. I wake up every morning, expecting… hoping that everything has been a mere nightmare, but every morning I realize I'm still immersed in it!"
"I can understand your feelings, sweetheart. You're way too young for all this."
"I keep pretending I'm all grown up, but the truth is that I still feel like a little girl. Little girls shouldn't go through all this!"
Buck nodded. "It can be rather confusing," he mused. After a pause, he added, "Janey, the other day your Ma suggested an alternative to marriage, but you reacted as if she planned to sell your baby, and get herself a fur coat with the money. Why, honey?"
"I… I don't know. Billy…"
"Forget about Billy," Buck cut her off in midsentence. "Just think about what you really want, and tell me."
Janey remained quiet for a few moments. "I… I'm scared… so scared," the girl finally muttered.
Buck smiled a sad smile when he heard the girl's words. "That's exactly what your mother told me when I first came to meet you. 'I'm scared, Buck,' she told me. You were barely a few weeks old, and a beautiful angel."
"Why was Ma scared?" Jane asked, her curiosity obviously perked up. Her mother was never afraid of anything, and everybody said she was the bravest women they had ever met.
"She was afraid of failing as your mother," Buck elaborated. "I guess all women feel the same when they're first mothers… we men feel similar, but in your Ma's case the situation was even more fearsome. You know, her mother died when she was a young child, so not only did Lou feel she had no clue about being a mother, but she didn't know either what being a daughter was like."
Jane listened to Buck with rapt attention. "I'd never thought about her that way."
Buck smiled. "I'm sure you haven't. Parents are supposed to be strong and know all, aren't they?" he said in a light tone, and as Jane lowered her eyes, he continued, "That's the way it was for your mother. I guess she never talks or complains about it. I still remember her words that day as if it had been just yesterday. 'Look at my baby, Buck. She's so small… so tiny and pretty… so fragile. What if I do something that harms her? What if I'm not good enough for her? What if I ruin this beautiful baby because I'm her mother?' She was sure terrified."
"Because she loved me so much," Jane whispered as her eyes filled with tears.
Buck nodded. "Janey, I don't know if Lou is a good or bad mother to you and your siblings, but I do know that has been her main worry from the outset, and I still think it worries her."
"She's good, Uncle Buck! She's a very good mother! She's the best!" Jane exclaimed with great conviction, and couldn't allow anybody to put her Ma's worth in doubt. "She's always there when we need her. And she always talks to me when I have a problem, and even when I was little, she always answered all my questions in a way I could understand. And she's so patient with us. Mattie never learns from the consequences of his mischief, but she keeps trying to reason with him all the time… Jed is such a slow eater, but she patiently sits with him like forever, using every trick in the world to make him finish his food. And Ginnie often cries, and cries and cries, and she stays up all night, and rocks her and sings to her, or does anything for hours on end until she calms down. And Ma always has a smile for us, a hug, a kiss, a kind word. I know she also has a bad temper, but when she gets angry with us, it is because we've gone too far and she wants us to understand what is best for us. That's all she wants… our wellbeing above anything else."
Buck listened to the girl with a smile, and when she finished, he said, "I always had the suspicion that you children were very lucky, and you just confirmed it for me." Jane did not say anything, and Buck continued, "I have the hunch your Ma feels as terrified as when you were a baby, Janey, especially now." The girl nodded sadly, and Buck added, "Honey, why are you here? I don't mean I don't want you around because we love you, but I don't understand why you want to stay away from your Ma and your family. Why, Jane?"
"Because… because I'm angry with her."
"Angry why?" Buck asked again, and when the girl did not reply straightaway, he insisted, "Janey, why?"
"Because she's always right!" Janey exclaimed loudly, hitting her fist against the mattress in frustration. "She was right about the older fella I foolishly flirted with. She was right about being on the lookout for men, and about us women ending up losing. She was right about what I feel about getting married too young. And she's especially right about me being a child because that's the truth… I am a child and feel like one!"
"Janey, I don't think you are a child, but you ain't a woman either. That's why it must be so complicated." Jane nodded again. "Honey, talk to your parents about what you really feel, and tell them all you've told me. They're your parents, and nobody loves you as much as they do. Talk to them and find the solution that you think you'd be happiest with."
"But what about Billy?"
"Talk to your parents first, Janey. This is about you mainly. You'll be the one who'll have to be a 24-hour-a-day mother and wife. You'll have to be with a baby alone from sunup to sunrise while Billy'll walk out of the house in the morning and won't come back till the evening. Just think about it, honey. And please, don't do anything just because others expect you to. Love doesn't mean submitting your will to the other person."
"Thanks, Uncle Buck."
"Like me, your father took a break a few minutes ago, and must still be at home with your Ma. Now would be a good time to have that conversation with them, don't you think?"
At his words Jane felt overwhelmed by apprehension. "I … I don't know. I still have lots of things to consider. I'd rather speak to them tomorrow."
"Janey, they won't bite you. They love you, and when they see you appear, they'll be happier than you've ever seen them."
"I… I know, but I still need time to think things through. I'll talk to them tomorrow, I promise."
"Tomorrow will do then," Buck concluded. "I guess it's time I returned to work. I need to keep an eye on Billy before he turns the stables into a pigsty," he joked with a smile. Buck rose to his feet, gave the girl an affectionate kiss, and walked out.
Jane remained on the bed. The conversation had lifted a terrible weight off her shoulders, and she felt better and less guilty. Yet, she did not look forward to seeing her parents tomorrow. She was aware that she had been a horrible daughter lately, and the idea of asking for forgiveness filled her with utter shame. Naturally, she missed both of them terribly, and wanted to show them she had changed. This had been too far, and she had been so silly. Ma had enough reasons not to forgive her, but Jane knew her mother would welcome her with open arms even though she did not deserve her. And tomorrow would also be the day when she would have a possible solution to her big problems. She didn't want to get married now, and her parents would help her like they always did. But then… what about Billy? What would Billy think?